The shock that followed Ryan's abrupt movement had Brendon's body running on autopilot, his limbs instinctively wrapping around the taller man who was practically in his lap by this point, the pads of his fingers pushing into Ryan's spine to bring him as close as possible while their mouths melded together seamlessly, time apparently having done nothing to erase the ease with which they slipped back into old routines without missing a beat.

And for one moment, Brendon forced his brain to shut down; he banished all thoughts of Sarah, and how this could only end in heartbreak, and the fact that tears were slipping down Ryan's face as his tongue ran over his bottom lip gently, because Brendon had forgotten how good this felt, how perfectly he and Ryan fit together, but reality quickly bled into their situation, and Brendon knew he had to end this before things went any further.

Because even though Brendon had missed the sensation of Ryan's lips against his, the eruption that always burst along every one of his nerve endings that had been present since the last time they did this was noticeable muted, most likely because Brendon was nervous, afraid even, and although he was enjoying this display of affection much more than he should have given his current relationship status, he knew that this wasn't an act of love on Ryan's end, it was desperation in its purest form, and that realization gave Brendon the strength to pull away gently, capturing Ryan's hands in his as he tried to lessen the rejection that highlighted every one of Ryan's features.

"Oh god," Ryan whimpered lowly, his eyes welling up again as he tore himself away from Brendon roughly, folding his lanky body into the corner of the couch as if he could melt into the cushions to avoid Brendon's gaze.

"Ry..." Brendon choked out, his mind still reeling as he tried to process what had just happened, because in a way, he had cheated on Sarah, and that hurt more than he had thought it would, which only went to show that maybe Brendon was beginning to finally move on from Ryan, even though the tingling sensation that was still flowing through his veins disproved that hypothesis.

A part of Brendon wanted to bolt immediately so he could explain to his girlfriend what had occurred before he dug his hole any deeper, but the side of him that was still attached to Ryan couldn't leave until he made sure that Ryan would make it through the night unscathed, and if he was being completely honest with himself, Brendon wasn't ready to be separated from Ryan quite yet, even though he was basically signing his own death warrant by extending their time together for another moment.

Brendon had to fight back the urge to scream as the two halves of his heart pulled against each other, his conflicting emotions threating to tear him asunder if he didn't choose one or the other, but how could he? He did love Sarah, she was amazing, and understanding, and all around wonderful, but Ryan had been there first, he had stolen Brendon's affections from day one, and no matter how hard Brendon tried, Ryan would always own a piece of him. He couldn't cut himself away from the older man, he had attempted that numerous times before, and look where he was now, causing Brendon to wonder if all his efforts at distancing himself from Ryan were essentially pointless.

"I shouldn't have - I...fuck," Ryan mumbled while shaking his head back and forth slowly, his wide eyes staring into nothingness as his hands began to tremble minutely at his sides, his sudden exclamation snapping Brendon out of his tortured thoughts for the moment, much to his relief.

"Hey...it's okay," Brendon whispered quietly, trying to drag Ryan back from the edge of what appeared to be the beginnings of a panic attack, "but we can't do that again, not right now. I'm with Sarah, and she makes me happy, but that doesn't mean I don't want you in my life as well, even if it only has to be just as a friend," Brendon tried his best to console the distraught man, placing his hand on Ryan's shoulder in what he hoped would be a comforting gesture, but it only caused Ryan's entire body to convulse violently instead.

Brendon sighed heavily as his words hit the air, because they were the truth, and Brendon wasn't a cheater, not anymore at least, but still - the temptation to pretend like Sarah had never existed was weighing down on Brendon, because he wanted Ryan, he always had, and he probably always would, but admitting that wouldn't be fair to either Ryan or Sarah right now, and for once, Brendon was sure he had made the right decision, even though it stung.

"I don't know why I did that, I'm so sorry," Ryan hiccupped, his arms wrapping around his middle as if the pressure was the only thing keeping his organs in the correct places. "Please don't hate me."

"I don't hate you Ry, hell - I wanted to for a long time, but apparently it's impossible," Brendon chuckled weakly, hoping to earn at least a grin from Ryan in return, but instead, Ryan suddenly shoved past Brendon roughly, his long legs unfolding from their bent position as he tore down the hallway without another word to Brendon, the loud slam of a door causing Brendon to jump as he tried to comprehend what the fuck had just occurred to make Ryan bolt like that.

"Ryan?" Brendon called out, forcing his shaky limbs to head in the direction Ryan had disappeared into, stopping outside what Brendon remembered to be as the downstairs bathroom. "Ryan...I'm sorry okay, please come out," Brendon begged, leaning up against the jam with his ear pressed against the wood.

"Go away," Ryan mumbled softly, his voice hardly carrying across the air, but the following violent retching did, and that was when Brendon realized that Ryan was throwing up, either because of all the alcohol he had consumed, or the large amount of sobbing his body had been through, and honestly, it was most likely a combination of both.

"I'm not leaving you like this Ry," Brendon deadpanned, his hand pushing on the silver knob in front him gently, and much to his surprise, the latch gave way under his touch.

"Please...I don't want you to see me like this," Ryan begged, his hunched over frame now revealed to Brendon as he stepped into the room, the knobs of his spine protruding out of his thin t-shirt as he gagged noisily into the toilet in front of him.

"Shh, don't try and talk, it will make it worse," Brendon cooed, sinking down beside his onetime best friend before warily brushing his sweat soaked hair out of his face.

"I feel awful," Ryan sobbed, his tear stained cheek turning away from Brendon as he wiped his mouth against his sleeve tiredly.

"I know, it's gonna be okay," Brendon murmured soothingly, pressing his palm against Ryan's back as another round of sickness overtook his shrunken frame.

"I'm sorry," Ryan tried to gasp out in-between his heaving gulps for oxygen, his chest rising and falling heavily as he finally pushed himself away from the toilet once his stomach had emptied itself of its contents.

"Don't apologize," Brendon brushed him off, keeping pressure on Ryan's shoulder so he wouldn't topple over onto the cold tile floor they were both seated on. "Do you think you can stand up?"

"I don't know," Ryan hung his head in shame, his long limbs splayed out in front of him as if they had been broken and left to fester.

"Okay, I'm gonna help you get into bed," Brendon announced before slipping his body under Ryan's arm, gently lifting the taller man into an upright position while straightening his knees, bringing them both to their feet as slowly as possible, his eyes trained on Ryan the entire time, staying alert for any sign that he was about to be sick again.

Ryan almost threw up once more when Brendon convinced him to wash his mouth out with some Listerine that had been conveniently placed on the sink, but after turning a startling shade of green, he managed to keep whatever was left in his stomach where it belonged, although he was starting to break out in a light sheen of sweat, and Brendon was uncertain if he would be able to make it more than two steps without passing out, causing Brendon to feel for his phone in his back pocket just in case he ended up having to call an ambulance if Ryan's condition deteriorated any further.

But when Ryan didn't immediately begin retching again, Brendon took the once familiar path to the master bathroom, clutching Ryan as close to him as possible as he stumbled along beside him. Ryan didn't utter a word the entire time, and even though Brendon knew they needed to talk about the kiss, as well as Ryan's worrisome health, now wasn't the time.

"Do you want help getting changed?" Brendon asked nervously once he had deposited Ryan on the edge of his large mattress, a bubble of fear welling in his chest when Ryan made no sign of acknowledgment that his location had shifted, he didn't even bother to glance in Brendon's direction at all in fact.

"No...I can do it," Ryan shrugged, his large hands reaching down to unfasten his jeans, inspiring Brendon to turn his back so he wasn't faced with any more temptations, not that he would ever attempt to take advantage of Ryan in such a state, but he wasn't going to lie and say that the sight of Ryan undressing didn't invoke a pool of lust in his stomach that shouldn't have existed anymore, but it did.

"You can go now if you want," Ryan informed Brendon, the shuffling sound that followed led Brendon to assume that he had crawled underneath the covers, so Brendon faced forward once more, his heart aching in his chest at the sight of Ryan alone in his large bed. He looked so small, so broken, and even though Brendon had made his decision earlier on, and he knew he loved Sarah, he just couldn't leave Ryan like this, because he needed some form of company right now, and Brendon could never deny the other man anything.

Brendon honestly had no idea what he wanted at the moment, because his emotions for Sarah were strong, but his attraction to Ryan had always been electric, and it still was, but he also wasn't willing to dive back into the sea of broken promises and agony that surrounded Ryan constantly, but he might be one day, not that he was planning on leaving Sarah, but she might take that decision out of his hands when she found out how he had spent his evening, and that thought encouraged Brendon to voice his next question, even if he might end up regretting it later on.

"Would you mind if it stayed for a bit? You can say no of course," Brendon stammered out, trying to fight back the unexpected tears that were forming in his eyes as Ryan rolled over despondently.

"I'd like that," Ryan admitted, his exhaustion bleeding through in his words, and that was all the encouragement Brendon needed to crawl into bed with his onetime lover, staying on top of the sheets to preserve some semblance of innocence, but that didn't stop him from engulfing Ryan in his arms, the older man relaxing against his chest instantly as if Brendon was a rare form of human painkiller that was the only cure for what was ailing Ryan at the moment.

"Ryan...are you going to be okay?" Brendon spoke up after a few minutes of silence had passed, only their soft breathing emitting in the still air.

"I - I don't think so," Ryan sighed heavily, and he didn't sound concerned, or scared, instead, his voice came out in a defeated tone, one that threatened to rip Brendon's heart out of his chest as he realized that Ryan was truly falling toward oblivion, and he wasn't even trying to save himself.

"You will - I promise. I'm going to help you get back on your feet, I won't abandon you again," Brendon swore, and he truly meant it, because the history between them didn't matter anymore, not when Ryan was hurting, not when Brendon could do something to change that.

"I don't want to ruin your life too," Ryan mumbled, his muscles tightening up as Brendon ran his thumb over Ryan's knuckles lightly.

"You won't Ry, not this time, because we won't be together, we will just be friends. You will get better, and find someone amazing, you just have to keep trying," Brendon forced himself to speak the words that Ryan needed to hear, even though the utterance left an unpleasant taste on his tongue as he imagined Ryan living happily with someone else, someone who wasn't him.

"I don't want anyone else," Ryan whimpered under his breath, his body shaking as he tried to suppress the sobs he had been warring with all night.

"You still have me Ry, just in a different way now."

"Whatever," Ryan scoffed, scooting his torso away from Brendon slightly so that there was now a small gap in-between them, and Brendon didn't try to close it, no matter how much he ached to do so, because he knew it would only make this harder for Ryan to comprehend.

Brendon wanted to keep speaking, to try and encourage Ryan that he could still find happiness - Brendon had done it after all, even when he was convinced that Ryan had been the only person he could every truly love, or even better, to say that he might give Ryan another chance if things went south with Sarah after she found out what had happened tonight, which was a very real possibility, but Brendon remembered how he had felt when he had been in this stage of his life, and he was aware that his well-intended sentiments would do nothing besides sting Ryan's open wounds, so he did something else instead.

Keeping his voice soft at first, Brendon began humming under his breath, because he hadn't forgotten how the sound never failed to calm Ryan down, even when he was this distraught, and as Brendon had hypothesized, it started working its magic almost instantly.

Ryan's body visibly unwound as he practically melted into the sheets, his head lolling to the side as his breathing evened out, and by the time Brendon actually began to sing, Ryan was already half asleep, his eyelids fluttering slightly as his overtaxed body surrendered to the peaceful oblivion of unconsciousness.

And in all honesty, Brendon was relieved that Ryan had drifted off before he had a chance to comprehend the lyrics that had been the first thing to spring to Brendon's mind, because of course it was Memories, and regardless of all of Brendon's protests, that song had always been written for Ryan, he had just never had the guts to tell him.

And even though Brendon wanted to explain to Ryan how much he had truly missed him, and that he still loved him, Sarah notwithstanding, he probably never would, because he couldn't keep tearing himself in two like this, he would surely shatter completely if he did.

So although every nerve ending in Brendon's body was screaming at him to cuddle up next to Ryan and forget about all of his responsibilities, and Sarah, and the band, he couldn't take the plunge, not yet anyway, and maybe not ever again.

But despite his resolve, Brendon found himself leaning down carefully, his lips grazing against Ryan's forehead gently in a soft kiss, and it wasn't cheating, it wasn't lust invoked, or a proclamation of love, no - it was a goodbye, a farewell to the relationship they had once shared, and although Brendon truly hoped that they could begin rebuilding some sort of bond between the two of them, he wasn't going to place a substantial amount of faith in their chances, not with their fucked up past.

Still - Brendon craved this one last act of physical contact to hold him over until the next time he was allowed to be this close to the older man, because no matter how hard Brendon tried to deny it, he needed Ryan, and he always would, no amount of time, or pain, or betrayal would ever change that, and maybe Ryan had finally started to realize that as well.

I was supposed to update one of my other fics tonight, but this happened instead, so for the two people reading it, I hope you enjoyed.

Also, sorry for all the errors, I didn't really edit this, but I will go back and do that when I am more awake.

((((loving vibes))))

<3 starr