Brendon stared down at the strange package gracing his front porch suspiciously, trying to remember if he had heard the doorbell ring like it usually would if the mailman had needed to drop something off, but there had been nothing that he could recall. He had been awake ever since the sun had risen, and it was barely ten in the morning, which was much too early for his usual delivery man to have stopped by.

Stuffing the large box under his arm along with the newspaper that he had originally set out to retrieve, trusting that it wasn't a bomb or something else equally as destructive, but the odds of that were slim, at the worst, it might be a strange gift a fan had dropped off after procuring his address from fuck knows where, Brendon headed back inside, tossing the items onto the kitchen counter before turning to his coffee maker, his body craving caffeine after another mostly sleepless night.

It has been seven days, nine hours, three minutes, and approximately fifteen seconds since Brendon had received the heart wrenching text from Ryan that had quenched all of his hopes for finding a way to make room for Ryan in his life once more, not that Brendon was counting - not at all. Brendon had never responded, even though resisting the urge to do so had been borderline painful, and Ryan had provided no follow up message to his previous statement - not that he needed to now that Brendon was giving him what he wanted, which was to be left alone.

Brendon had declined Sarah's numerous offers to try and speak with Ryan herself in an attempt to convince him to agree to having a civil conversation with Brendon, because as desperate as he was to have one last encounter with the older man, he wasn't going to ask his girlfriend to phone up his ex-boyfriend in an effort to maybe bring the two of them back together, that could only end badly, and Brendon didn't think Ryan would appreciate the gesture in the slightest.

And really, Brendon was doing better since the day Sarah had found him sobbing in his bedroom - relatively speaking; his nightmares still plagued him on occasion, but they had been occurring with much less frequency, although his sleep schedule was completely destroyed, but he had been using his free time in a productive manner, mostly by writing songs that weren't entirely Ryan related, which Brendon considered to be a huge accomplishment for him.

Brendon had honored Ryan's request and restrained himself from reaching out to the older man, and even though he felt his heart crack a little wider with each day that passed without a word from Ryan, he had managed to ignore it so far, because it was obvious that pressing Ryan was doing more harm than good, and if Brendon ever wanted a chance to truly reconcile with him, then he would have to be patient and wait for Ryan to come to him when he was ready - if that day ever came.

Sarah had been nothing but understand and loving the entire time, listening to Brendon rant when he needed to, taking his mind off of things when the strain became too great, never bringing up the questions that Brendon was sure were swirling around inside her head about where they stood, or what would happen if Ryan did eventually contact Brendon again.

And honestly - Brendon didn't have the answers she was most likely craving, because he truly didn't know. Sarah was everything he could ask for in a girlfriend and more, and he would be an idiot to throw that way, but at the same time, Ryan had always been special, and no matter how hard Brendon tried to convince himself otherwise, he was becoming resigned to the fact that the larger portion of his heart would always belong to Ryan at the end of the day.

But judging by the way things were going, Brendon wouldn't be faced with that choice anytime soon, because for some unexplained reason, Ryan seemed convinced that letting Brendon back in could only end terribly for the both of them, and Brendon was at a loss for how to make him see that there were positives to rekindling at the very least a friendship between the two of them.

Ryan was stubborn once he had decided on a course of action, he always had been, and maybe he was right, maybe it was best for the both of them to reinstate their policy of ignoring each other to spare themselves from the emotional pain that always followed them around like a heavy cloud, now if only Brendon could figure out how to return to the uncaring state he had resided in for the past few years before Ryan's impromptu phone call.

"Sarah," Brendon called out when his eyes fell onto the strange box once more, his steaming cup of coffee clutched in-between his hands firmly, "did you order anything online recently?"

"I don't think so - why?" Sarah replied, her voice emerging muffled and fuzzy caused by the distance separating the kitchen and whatever part of the house she was currently in.

"There is a package here, and I don't remember purchasing anything," Brendon answered, raising the volume of his voice so she could hear him without straining her ears.

"Did you read the label?" Brendon didn't miss the suppressed laughter in her tone, and okay - he probably deserved that, but he wasn't exactly coherent yet, especially after only receiving about four hours of shut eye, and of course, Sarah was right, just like she always was, because that was most definitely his name jumping out at him now that he had taken to the time to actually look.

"Never mind, it's for me," Brendon chuckled to himself as he pulled the object closer to his seat at one of the bar stools, his eyes squinting slightly as he peered down at the piece of paper that was taped to the front of the box.

His name was scrawled across the surface, that much was certain, but it wasn't a typical manufacture's label like he had been expecting to see. Instead, it had the appearance of a homemade note, with nothing written upon it besides the aforementioned name.

When Brendon retrieved his glasses from the counter he had tossed them on earlier when they had begun hurting the back of his ears, he realized that he recognized the flowing style to the letters - this had been penned by Ryan, there was no doubt about it, Brendon had seen enough of his song notebooks to be able to pick his handwriting out of a lineup.

With shaking fingers, Brendon tore open the masking tape keeping the box closed, unsure what he was expecting to find inside, but despite the logic in his head telling him not to get his hopes up, he couldn't help the rush of excitement that was causing his heart to beat faster in his chest with every passing second.

Maybe it was some form of an apology presented in a gift, a physical sign that Ryan had realized his mistake, but instead of phoning Brendon up to inform him that he had changed his mind, he had sent him whatever this was instead. That seemed like a very Ryan-like thing to do, he was never one for conventional 'I'm sorry's' although in the past they had typically used their bodies to convey such things instead of words and presents.

But when Brendon finally got the stubborn cardboard to release its contents, he was slightly confused by what was inside - it was old panic! memorabilia, consisting of articles that Brendon had nearly forgotten about, first edition records, picks and other things that Ryan had obviously collected and stored away for safekeeping after their shows and numerous other events that they had attended together as a band.

But underneath those things was what made Brendon's breath catch in his throat; his digging had unearthed a pile of photographs featuring him and Ryan, some that Brendon remembered posing for, others portraying moments that he had no idea had been caught on film, and just the sight of him and Ryan looking so happy together - so in love - had Brendon biting back tears, the conflicting emotions raging inside of his chest leaving him in a state of confusion tinged through with longing.

Brendon didn't understand what this meant for him and Ryan, and although the positive side of him wanted to believe that this was Ryan's way of saying that he missed those days, and that a small part of him wanted them back, that hypothesis didn't settle right within Brendon's mind, and that message could have been delivered with just the pictures alone, the rest of it felt out of place, especially considering that Brendon already had enough of these sort of items to create a panic! museum if the need ever arose.

After thoroughly searching each crevice in the box, Brendon had to accept that there was no note accompanying the package, no explanation for why Ryan had felt the need to send him these things, and the longer Brendon shifted through the treasures, the more worried he became.

Ryan was a very sentimental person, even though he liked to pretend he wasn't, and no matter what point he was trying to make, Brendon didn't think he would give away pieces of his history like this - hell, his rose vest was even neatly packed away inside, and it was obvious that the contents of this box contained Ryan's favorite memories from being in panic!.

Suddenly, Brendon remembered something he had read ages ago, his mind connecting the dots in a horrifying fashion, all of the cogs clicking into place with a sudden snap that Brendon swore was audible, and although he desperately hoped that his conclusion wasn't correct, he couldn't help the spike of fear that shot up his spine as he tried to think of another reasonable explanation.

But no - it made sense; when Ryan had first began to show signs of depression back when they had still been together, Brendon had taken it upon himself to research it heavily, needing to know everything he could about it before it was too late to help Ryan, and one fact that he had discovered was currently branding itself painfully across his brain, which was that people who were considering committing suicide very well might give away their prized possessions before attempting the act.

Brendon could feel himself beginning to hyperventilate, because even though he didn't want to imagine that Ryan would ever do such a thing, or that he might be making plans to end his life at this very moment, he had been there when Ryan had stated that he wanted to die, he remembered the vacant expression in Ryan's eyes as he mumbled the words, his body deflating in Brendon's arms as he allowed the sentence to slip past his chapped lips, he had seen Ryan's shrunken frame not less than a month ago, the way he was destroying himself with alcohol and drugs without a care for the harm he was inflicting on his person.

Bile began to rise in Brendon's throat as countless images that he now recognized as scenes from his nightmares rose to the forefront of his mind, and no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he was overreacting, that Ryan was most likely fine, he had been after Brendon had jumped to conclusions following their brief call after all - well - relatively speaking that is, if Brendon glossed over the fact that he had been wasted and puking his guts out, but still - this didn't mean anything for sure, and it was possible that Brendon had simply misunderstood Ryan's intentions in giving him these things, he could have meant it to come across in a positive manner - right?

But Brendon couldn't ignore this red flag, just like he hadn't been able to turn a blind eye to Ryan's emotional distress after the short conversation that had ended up with Brendon in Ryan's house again after almost three years, so even though Ryan had been perfectly clear that he didn't want to hear from Brendon again, that didn't matter right now, and before Brendon could second-guess himself, he already had his phone in hand, quickly searching for Ryan's number in his contacts before hitting send, drumming his fingers impatiently against the counter as the familiar ring sounded in his arms, praying to whoever was out there that this time, Ryan would pick up.

Dear god I managed to finish this even though I am going to regret staying up this late in the morning, but I have had this half written in my drafts for ages, and after talking with Katy, I got inspired to work on this again despite being busy af this week.

I don't have anything to say this time, besides for that you should totally check out my new Matty/George fic called Only You if you feel so inclined (I really need to stop promoting this book but I can't help myself).

I love you guys, and as always, votes and comments are my best friends.

((((sleepy vibes))))

<3 starr