"Please leave me alone...I can't do this again Bren. I'm sorry."

Brendon stared down at the seemingly innocent text for an unknown amount of time, his heart racing in his chest as his mind tried to digest the words, even though their meaning was obvious, but still - Brendon didn't want to believe what he was reading, so it was taking him longer than it should to process Ryan's request.

Brendon should have seen this coming, in fact, he shouldn't have even bothered attempting to keep in contact with Ryan at all after he had made it clear that his original call to Brendon had been a mistake, but he had foolishly attempted to phone Ryan last night after he had awoken from yet another nightmare involving the older man. Apparently Ryan was done with Brendon's attempts at rekindling their friendship though, and he had broken his silence to inform Brendon that his efforts were no longer appreciated.

Ryan hadn't answered at the time of course, leaving Brendon shaken and scared with no one to turn to since Sarah was fast asleep and Jon would most likely verbally slap Brendon for waking him up at such an ungodly hour. Eventually, Brendon had drifted back off, only to find Ryan's message awaiting him in the morning, and fuck - part of Brendon hoped he was still dreaming, but he knew that this was real, no matter how hard he pretended otherwise.

Brendon just couldn't help himself though, he had needed to hear Ryan's voice last night, it was the only thing that could soothe him, especially after making it almost ten days without bothering either Ryan or Jon in an attempt to move on just like everyone was suggesting he should do, but that was providing to be a very difficult feat, and he had unfortunately made the wrong choice once again, his late night decision pushing Ryan even further away, although Brendon hadn't believed that was possible at the time.

But it wasn't Brendon's fault that everything seemed to remind him of Ryan, and that he hadn't been able to go one day without wondering how the older man was doing since his initial visit to Ryan's home, but he had been pretending that he was fine, mostly for Sarah's sake, his show of strength only breaking when she wasn't around to witness it. She could see through his facade though, despite the fact that she hadn't commented on it lately, but really - there was nothing left for her to say, and Brendon knew he was hurting his girlfriend with this relapse of emotions, which was the last thing he wanted to do, but Brendon couldn't comfort her when he was falling apart on the inside as well.

Brendon hated himself for being so weak, for allowing Ryan to destroy his mind without having to lift a finger, and he would give anything for this to stop, to be able to return to the days when his heart barely twinged at the thought of Ryan, but that seemed impossible now, and Brendon knew that time was the only thing that could possibly heal him, and even that might not be enough to mend this deep of a wound.

Rereading the message one more time for good measure, Brendon heaved in a sudden rush of oxygen, his head suddenly feeling light and dizzy, as if it was going to float off of his shoulders at any moment now, and before Brendon could contemplate why this odd sensation was occurring, an ugly sob was ripping its way out of his throat, the cry startling Brendon with its intensity, because until just now, he hadn't noticed the tears blurring his vision, but once his attention was brought to them, they began pouring down his cheeks before he could even considering stopping them.

Letting his phone drop to the floor through his numb fingers, Brendon buried his face in his hands, pressing his palms against his eyelids until spots danced across his vision as he continued to weep harshly, his body shaking with the force of his sorrow as he allowed the negative emotions he had been burying inside himself to spill free all at once.

A part of Brendon was ashamed at his pathetic behavior, because this wasn't worth shedding tears over, and he hadn't been expecting Ryan to suddenly apologize for everything and run back into Brendon's waiting arms, so he couldn't even blame his reaction on shock, but still - this hurt, and Brendon couldn't fool himself into believing that he was unaffected by Ryan's absence anymore, because he missed him, he had been missing him for years actually, but only now was he finally allowing himself to admit it.

"Oh baby..." Sarah's voice reached Brendon's ear as if from a great distance, but before he could even turn his head to look at her, she was by his side, wrapping Brendon up in a gentle embrace that only caused Brendon to cry even harder, because he didn't deserve Sarah's affections, especially not at the moment, and her kindness only served to highlight what a terrible person Brendon was as he wept over his ex-boyfriend against his girlfriend's shoulder.

"I - I'm sorry," Brendon choked out, his hands clutching tightly around Sarah's middle as she began to rock him back and forth slowly, whispering soft words of comfort to him in the process.

"It's okay love, you don't have to apologize," Sarah assured him, but Brendon was already shaking his head furiously, because Sarah had never been so wrong, she just didn't know it yet.

"No it's not," Brendon protested, wiping angrily at his red eyes so he could meet Sarah's gaze straight on. "I still love him Sarah...I don't want to, I thought I was over this, but everything is coming back, and I - fuck...I miss him so much," Brendon wailed, a second round of tears assaulting him as he tried his best to choke them back, awaiting Sarah's response with bated breath and trembling limbs, because he knew that Sarah would catch on to who he was talking about, even without being provided with an actual name.

Brendon hadn't intended to admit his revelation to his girlfriend so soon, or maybe not ever if Ryan continued to act the way he had been, but Brendon felt awful lying to her, and he could no longer deny the fact that he was still harboring strong feelings for Ryan. He loved Sarah as well, and he hoped eventually that their connection would overpower whatever existed between him and Ryan, but Brendon wasn't going to deceive her for another second, in fact - he already felt marginally better now that he had gotten his secret off of his chest.

"I know..." Sarah finally replied after a few tense moments had passed, her shoulders drooping slightly before she braced herself once more. "I think I have always known, and I'm not upset...not really. He came first after all, so if you want to try and win him back, I am not going to stand in your way. I just want you to be happy Brendon, and lately, you have been anything but that."

Brendon sat in silence brought about by surprise for a few brief seconds, because out of all the ways he had imagined Sarah to react to this news, this hadn't been it, but he should have known better. Sarah was a literal angel, so of course she would only desire what was best for Brendon, even if it caused her pain, but now that left Brendon with a heavy choice weighing on his heart, and he honestly had no idea where to go from here.

"I don't know what I want," Brendon groaned softly, his nails digging into his palms painfully as he spoke, "because I love you too, and I am not just saying that - I do, but at the same time, I can't stop thinking about Ryan. I'm not ready to try a relationship with him again, but I need him back in my life somehow, apparently he isn't okay with that though. He texted me...asked me to leave him alone, and I'm trying - I am, but I feel like I'm driving myself crazy in the process."

"Well whatever you end up deciding, I'm going to be here for you. I don't like seeing you this way, so anything I can do to help, just let me know. I - I'm scared for you Brendon, you are losing weight, you are hardly sleeping, and...I feel so helpless," Sarah ended on a whimper, her eyes welling up slightly as she spoke, inspiring Brendon to pull her against his side, rubbing his hand soothing across her hip as she sniffled softly.

"I know - I'm sorry, I'm trying to get over this, and I don't want to lose you. I love you a hell of a lot, and yes - I might love Ryan too, but he obviously doesn't feel the same way, so I am going to keep trying to move on, I just need you to be patient with me."

"Of course Brendon - anything you need," Sarah smiled, pressing a soft kiss to Brendon's cheek before standing up suddenly, straightening out her top before offering a hand to Brendon, pulling him to his feet once he accepted it. "I made breakfast if you want some."

"Pancakes?" Brendon asked eagerly, Sarah's understanding of his situation easing some of the emotional pain he was suffering through, allowing his face to fall into a grin that wasn't forced at all.

"Of course, and maybe after we eat, I can try to reach out to Ryan, he might be more willing to speak to me than you right now."

"Oh...you don't have to do that Sarah," Brendon protested, because as much as he yearned to find a way to convince Ryan to at least let him see him in person one more time, he didn't want to get Sarah involved, especially not now when he was feeling better than he had in weeks.

"I know, but if you want me to, I will," Sarah shrugged as if it didn't matter one way or the other, when really her selflessness meant the world to Brendon.

"Let's just focus on us today," Brendon suggested, his arm falling around Sarah's waist as they headed in the direction of the kitchen. "If I start to feel worse again, than maybe I will consider it."

"That sounds good to me."

"And Sarah - seriously, thank you. You don't know how much your support means to me," Brendon murmured lovingly, needing her to understand how much Brendon appreciated her, and not only for this, but for picking him up after his and Ryan's original split, for never growing angry with him, even when he deserved it, for staying by his side after the bombshell he had dropped on her a few minutes ago, for everything really.

"Of course baby, you need someone to be there for you, and I'm glad that it's me for now."

"I love you," Brendon sighed happily, and in that moment, he managed to forget about Ryan completely as he pulled Sarah in for a kiss, his eyes fluttering shut as he held her close to his chest, all of his inner turmoil melting away as his lips moved against his girlfriend's softly, a brief spike of happiness shooting through Brendon's veins as Sarah leaned into his touch.

If only Brendon could capture this sensation and draw it out whenever thoughts of Ryan began to haunt him again, he would be okay, but Brendon had a feeling that this respite would be brief, and it would only be a matter of time before old memories managed to sink their claws into him once more, dragging him back down into the miserable state he had been in this morning, but for now, Brendon was content, and he chose to focus on that instead of thoughts of the future that would only bring him pain.

Wtf am I even doing anymore? I am totally winging this story rn just a warning, this chapter wasn't planned at all, and I don't even know if it fits in with the rest of the book, but whatever, it is done now.

I don't know why I keep dragging this out, but I think it's because I'm still not 100% sure how I want to end this anymore, so I am stringing things along until I make a decision. As of right now I have no clue how many chapters are left, I guess I will just have to wait and see what my mind cooks up.

Anyway, if you enjoyed, votes and comments make me very happy ^_^

((((updating vibes))))

<3 starr