Look at me starting a new book even though I haven't updated anything in ages, oops - but I couldn't seem to work on my other stories until I got this out of my head.

So this was originally supposed to be a one-shot which was inspired by the lovely 20_dollar_nosebleed, but it got way too long, so I turned it into a short story instead.

I already have most of it written, I just need to go back and edit everything. I don't think this will be any longer than five chapters at the most, so expect at least the next two parts sometime soon.

So hopefully you guys enjoy my first Ryden, and please give me some feedback. I am trying to branch out and write something besides for Frerard's, and I am curious if you guys enjoy that.

((((good vibes))))

<3 starr

Brendon Urie had an ironclad 'No Ryan Rule' which he abided by religiously, and everyone surrounding him was aware of it as well, even though he had never explicitly laid it out in words per se, but he truly hadn't needed to, not after everything that had happened between them, hell - even the reporters he interacted with were learning to steer away from anything Ryan Ross related, and Brendon was extremely thankful for the fact that most people he came into contact with took care to never utter that dreaded name whenever Brendon was within earshot.

Brendon hadn't always followed this strict policy, well obviously not at first, fuck - he could still remember the times when he could barely keep his hands off of the older boy, or when he wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his existence wrapped in a pair of sheets with Ryan pressed up against him, but even in the days following Ryan's sudden split from the band, and sequentially Brendon's life, Brendon had tried to maintain some semblance of the relationship they had once had, he had tried so fucking hard, but something had changed within Ryan, and he wasn't the same person that Brendon had been madly in love with at one point in time.

Brendon had been attracted to Ryan from day one, but he had forced himself to ignore his urges at first, his fear of becoming involved with a bandmate, not to mention a man had kept his unruly emotions contained, but eventually, Brendon lost the internal battle with his mind, and he found himself tripping head over heels for the older boy, desperately hoping that Ryan would catch him before he tumbled face-first onto the unforgiving pavement below him, and luckily for Brendon, Ryan's outstretched arms halted his downward motion, cocooning him within their warm embrace in a way that Brendon had never experienced with anyone else before.

The two boys hadn't shared a typical love story, of course not - there hadn't been any romance, or dates, but there was always something there, an electric connection that neither boy could ignore for long, leading to many drunken hookups with transformed into sober sex once they finally admitted that there was more to this than just the urge to get off.

They had never had a conventional relationship, the band had made sure of that, but that didn't mean they cared for each other any less because of their oddities, although they hide their budding romance from the prying eyes of the media, even going so far as to keep their distance during the downtime that followed the whirlwind tours during which their attraction was truly allowed to blossom, and they avoided the term boyfriend, the definition didn't seem to fit whatever they had going on between them.

Brendon had been the one to accelerate things, because he really liked Ryan, he was different than all of the girls, as well as the occasional boy that threw themselves at him looking for their fifteen minutes of fame, and even though Brendon should have known better than to attempt to pursue a relationship with one of his bandmates, because those things could never end well, he threw caution to the wind, his young mind believing that they could make it work despite the insurmountable odds stacked against them, but Brendon had never been so wrong.

And it had worked at first, or so Brendon had thought, because yes - they may have been drunk and high half of the time, and they may have fought more than the average couple, and they may have used sex as a remedy for that instead of sitting down and talking things out, but none of that mattered to Brendon, because he was in love with Ryan, and all of the subtle nuisances of their relationship didn't matter as long as he had Ryan by his side as often as possible.

Ironically enough, one of their largest arguments had been ignited when Brendon finally allowed his feelings for Ryan to pass his lips; he had admitted that he loved him one day out of the blue, the buried emotions bubbling out of him without his consent, even though he did very little to stop them, because he wanted Ryan to know that he meant more to him than just a quick fuck, but Ryan hadn't reacted how Brendon had hoped that he would.

Instead of returning the sentiment, Ryan has scoffed loudly, claiming that Brendon was full of shit, which of course infuriated Brendon, because he wouldn't lie, not about something like this, so his natural defense mechanisms had kicked in, inciting him to yell at his sort of boyfriend, which caused Ryan to break down in tears - fuck, it had been a mess, but they had mended, and a few days later, Ryan reluctantly told Brendon that he loved him as well, and even though the words had emerged in a shaky, unsure tone, Brendon knew that they were the truth, and that was all that mattered.

Things should have been perfect after that, and even though Brendon knew that planning ahead was never a good idea, his excitement got the better of him. He wanted a future with Ryan, he wanted the world to know that the older boy was his and his alone, but Ryan was nowhere near ready to take that step, he hadn't even admitted that he was bisexual to anyone besides Brendon, Spencer, and Jon, but Brendon was willing to wait as long as it took, or so he thought.

That day never came though, Ryan avoided all of Brendon's not so subtle attempts to steer their conversation in that direction, and eventually, Brendon ceased to mention it entirely, because maybe it wasn't that important to go public with their relationship, except it was - to Brendon at least, because as much as he wished that some aspects of his life would stay private, he wanted to be able to take Ryan out on proper dates, to kiss him when they weren't on stage, to move in with him, to marry him, but then Ryan had left, and everything they had built together shattered just as quickly as it had formed.

Brendon still didn't understand what had gone on in Ryan's head to convince him to leave the band, although he refused to waste too much time pondering it, that train of thought resulted in nothing besides a pounding headache and a malignant aura of confusion that followed Brendon around for hours afterward, so he avoided falling into that trap if at all possible, but more often than not, his brain sabotaged his attempts at saving himself the pain of mulling over pointless what ifs, forcing Brendon to suffer through old memories with a fake smile plastered on his face to placate his friends and family into believing that he was fine, because he was - sort of.

It had all been so sudden, and despite Brendon's reassuring words he spouted for the reporters who had inquired about what had happened after the cleaving of the band, Brendon had never seen it coming, fuck - he had thought everything was perfect, but Ryan had apparently decided otherwise.

That wasn't to say they didn't have problems, because they did, hell - they were borderline toxic for each other, and when Brendon took a step back and viewed their relationship from an outsider's perspective, he came to the realization that the odds of their love surviving everything that was thrown their way was slim to none, but they always overcame the numerous trials they were faced with in the end, and this would be no different - right?

Brendon didn't think Ryan was serious at first when he had said that he was done, even though yes - they had partaken in a nasty fight not long before Ryan's announcement; Ryan had wanted Brendon to visit him during one of their rare breaks from touring, but Brendon had already made lunch plans with a couple of friends, to which Ryan had been invited to of course, but Ryan wasn't happy with that.

He had twisted the simple hiccup into a spiraling torrent of accusations, punctuated by Brendon's angry outbursts involving how if Ryan actually wanted to be a part of his life, than maybe he should grow some balls and come out before Brendon did it for him, not that he ever would, but Brendon said idiotic things when he was pressed, and Ryan knew each of Brendon's hot buttons like the back of his hand.

And in all fairness, Brendon deserved some of Ryan's anger, because one of the friends on his lunch date was Sarah, the girl that had caught his eye on the Pretty Odd tour during one of the periods in which Brendon and Ryan where fighting, fuck - when weren't they fighting, but still, she was taken, and so was Brendon - mostly, so it meant nothing, she was just an acquaintance, nothing more and nothing less.

So when Ryan had stated that he was leaving Brendon, he had simply brushed it off, because that was a barb that they had both used when they truly wanted to wound the other party, and it usually meant nothing. Brendon was convinced that a few days would pass before Ryan would call him up like nothing had ever happened, because that was how they worked, and as dysfunctional as it was, Brendon was used to it, so he had no idea that this time Ryan was truly serious, not until seven days had passed with complete radio silence from the boy who had stolen his heart.

Still, Brendon kept hoping that Ryan would return to the band with numerous apologies falling from his lips, begging to be given another chance, just like he did after each one of their pointless spats, but when Ryan did no such thing, Brendon was left to ponder what he has done wrong, well - more so than usual, and if Ryan even consider them a couple any longer, if they had ever truly been one in the first place.

Ryan had always been slightly irrational though, and Brendon was assured that their bond would bring the other boy back eventually once he had cooled his heels over whatever imagined slight he was pinning on Brendon, which Brendon didn't believe solely focused on Sarah, or his harsh words, because Brendon had thrown much sharper metaphorical daggers Ryan's way in the past, and Ryan had always returned to his side despite his emotional wounds.

But Brendon was proven wrong once again as weeks turned into months and Ryan continued to avoid his phone calls, speaking to him only through Spencer on the rare occasion that they had to make contact, even ignoring Brendon's incessant knocking when he had driven to his house in a last ditch attempt to force Ryan to face him and explain his ridiculous temper tantrum.

After that failed attempt was when the 'No Ryan Rule' had come into existence, because if Ryan was going to act like a child and wash his hands of Brendon without even a goodbye, then two could play at that game, and honestly, Brendon was tired of the drama, and the hiding, and the heartache, so despite the fact that he loved Ryan with all of his being, he had no choice except to carry on with his life and pretend that Ryan Ross had never existed.

Spencer had tried to talk Brendon out of his rash decision, providing half ass explanations stating that Ryan was simply 'going through a lot right now' and 'he just needed a break from the pressures of the band before he reconnected with Brendon', but no amount of paltry words were going to change Brendon's mind - he was done, he was fucking over Ryan Ross and his supposed 'creative differences' that had driven them apart, because that was all a bunch of bullshit covering up the real reason that Ryan had gone missing in action, and Brendon had come to believe that he would never truly understand the truth behind why Ryan had walked away from everything he supposedly loved, which was something he was going to have to learn to live with, no matter how much it stung.

And of course, in typical Ryan fashion, as soon as Brendon ceased to contact the older man in any way, Ryan began reaching out, sending numerous texts, calling at all hours of the day, hell - he even sent Brendon a letter once, the words filled with nonsense and an overabundance of 'I'm sorry's' that were too little too late in Brendon's opinion.

So Brendon kept fast to his newfound ideology, tossing the piece of paper in the trash without a second read over, because that was all it was now - garbage.

Brendon had moved on, with Sarah ironically enough, proving that maybe Ryan had possessed some validity to his former claims after all, but Brendon never would have ended up with her if Ryan hadn't abandoned him, even though he was quickly falling for her just as hard as he had for Ryan, because she was amazing in her own way, and as long as he didn't compare the two, his relationship was perfect.

And although the image of Ryan Ross's stupid face still caused a slight pang to erupt in Brendon's chest, it lessened with every year, and he was fine now - mostly.

He had a beautiful girlfriend, the band was still successfully, so the absence of Ryan should mean very little to Brendon, and it did, at least, Brendon was doing his very best to convince himself of that.

Ryan had seemed to give up on Brendon as well, and judging by his Instagram photos, he didn't even miss the younger boy, not that Brendon checked his social media regularly, except he totally did, his stern policy didn't extend that far apparently, but Brendon had gotten to the point where he could go for quite some time without actually scrolling through his feed, even though he had yet to take Ryan off notifications yet, but whatever, baby steps and all that.

But of course, there was one person that didn't follow Brendon's rule, and that was the man who had incited it himself, although he had kept to it for almost a year now, but as fate would have it, when the ringing of Brendon's phone interrupted his peaceful evening at home, courtesy of Sarah staying with her parents for the weekend after a heart attack scare involving her father, it just had to be Ryan's name that appeared on his display screen.

Just the sight of it had Brendon staggering under a sudden rush of deeply buried memories, his heart constricting in his chest as he gazed down at the four letter word that should mean nothing to him by this point, but the fluttering in his stomach proved that his disconnect to the older man was not as complete as Brendon had hoped it would be by now, pushing his steadfast refusal to break the 'No Ryan Rule' to its limit.