Ryan didn't answer Brendon's call, or the next one, or the one after that. Brendon had tried reaching him from Sarah's device in the hopes that the unknown number would produce some sort of response, hell - he had even gotten Jon, Dallon, and Spencer to try their luck after giving them a half assed explanation stating that he was worried that Ryan might not be okay, and still nothing.

Brendon had shown Sarah everything in the box as soon as she had made her way downstairs, babbling quickly about what he thought the items meant, and how he was terrified that Ryan was planning on doing something stupid, leaving nothing behind for Brendon besides old memories in way of an apology, and even though Sarah tried to argue with him, saying that Ryan was most likely fine, Brendon didn't miss the subtle slump to her shoulders, or the way her eyes misted over with what might have been suppressed tears.

Brendon was close to hysterics by this point, despite everyone's attempts at calming him down. Jon tried to reason with Brendon before he jumped to any more conclusions, stating that Ryan did this sort of thing from time to time - disappear that is, and he always turned up again a few days later, but that wasn't good enough for Brendon, he had to know if Ryan was okay now or else he was bound to go insane.

Brendon was all for driving straight over to Ryan's house as soon as he realized that he wasn't going to answer any of the numerous voicemails that had been left on his phone, but Sarah had encouraged him to wait a little bit longer, forcing him to eat something in the hopes that it would make him feel better, but the food ended up having the opposite effect, ending with Brendon throwing up everything barely an hour later as his anxiety over Ryan led him to the point of being physically ill.

Sarah gave in after that, helping Brendon off of the bathroom floor before leading him to the car, her mouth pressed into a worried line as she waited for Brendon to give her directions to Ryan's house, and although Brendon knew that Sarah didn't want to be doing this right now, and not because she was reluctant to see Ryan, but because she was trying to protect Brendon from getting hurt even more than he already was, he still gifted her with a grateful smile, because he was in no condition to drive himself anywhere at the moment.

At first, knowing that he was on his way to maybe seeing Ryan again had Brendon relaxing happily against the leather seats, the churning in his stomach and the aching in his heart dissipating as they drew closer to his home, but as Brendon's mind had the habit of doing, it began predicting scenarios involving what he would find when he did arrive, and none of them were ideal.

Ryan might not even be there, Jon had warned him of that much, saying that the last time Ryan had refused all contact with anyone, he later found out that he had been in San Diego for some reason or another, only informing Jon of where he had gone on his return. Brendon wasn't sure how he would react if that was the case, but remaining clueless about where Ryan was or if he was alright would surely eat away at Brendon unless he was given some sort of sign that Ryan was taking care of himself at the very least.

But that option would be better than Brendon's original hypothesis, which he had refused to speak aloud after voicing his fears to Sarah earlier on, but what if Brendon was correct, what if he was heading toward a tomb instead of a home, fuck - even the thought had Brendon on the verge of breaking down, a soft whimper escaping his lips without his consent.

"It's going to be okay Brendon." Sarah's voice sliced through the air like a knife, even though she had barely spoken at more than a whisper.

And Brendon wanted to believe her - he did, but he couldn't shake the sinking feeling in his gut that something had gone horribly wrong in Ryan's head, as if there was some tendril of consciousness that connected their minds together, allowing Brendon to be aware of when Ryan was in distress, and that bond was vibrating right now, refusing to let Brendon focus on anything else until he had done everything he could to help Ryan in whatever way he could.

"You didn't see him Sarah," Brendon choked out, flashbacks of how sickly Ryan had appeared the other night dancing behind his closed eyelids. "He was a wreck after he called me...and when I asked him if he was going to be okay, he said 'I don't think so'. He sounded so defeated, so alone...like he didn't give a shit if he lived or died, and I promised him that it would get better, that I would be there for him, but he wouldn't let me, and now...fuck," Brendon cursed weakly, shaking his head angrily in a pointless attempt to knock away the tears that were stinging at his eyes.

"Even if something has happened to him, it isn't your fault Brendon," Sarah stated sternly, shooting Brendon a loving look before returning her attention to the road. "You did everything you could for him, hell - I have seen how much you have been tearing yourself up over him for the past few weeks. It was his choice to ignore you, and in the end, whatever he may or may not have done has nothing to do with you."

"I just don't understand," Brendon sniffled, his hands clenching into fists as they turned onto Ryan's street. "Why did he reach out to me if he was only going to push me away right after? We hadn't spoken in years...I thought we never would again, but now he's dragged me back into everything while at the same time still shutting me out."

"I don't have the answers for you Bren," Sarah sighed compassionately, chewing her lower lip in-between her teeth as she searched for some words that would magically make everything better, even though they didn't exist. "Ryan seems to be in a really bad place though judging by what you told me, and if we do find him, I think you, or Jon, or someone needs to convince him to look into rehab, or at least therapy, because as much as you care for him, you can't fix him if he isn't willing to put some effort into himself."

"You're right..." Brendon nodded slowly, because she was, and no matter how badly Brendon would love to pretend that he could be enough for Ryan, that he could somehow guide him back to the path leading toward happiness, he knew that was unrealistic thinking.

Brendon and Ryan clashed, no matter how hard they tried to tiptoe around that fact, and being his friend wouldn't be easy, especially not with all of the history hanging in-between them. Even if Brendon did manage to break through the thick shell Ryan had placed around his heart, he could very well hurt Sarah in the process, because he didn't know if he was strong enough to resist his attraction to Ryan if they did get close again, and Sarah's support throughout this entire mess had only served to show Brendon that he needed her in his life, and that he couldn't throw her away in a pointless attempt to rekindle things with his ex-boyfriend that didn't even want to speak with him at the moment.

"We're here," Sarah murmured quietly as Brendon's head snapped up, his gaze landing on Ryan's house as she cut the engine quickly. "Do you want me to come in with you or wait outside?"

"I should probably go in alone. If Ryan is home, he won't take well to having someone he doesn't know invading his privacy."

"Okay, well I'll be by the car if you need me," Sarah smiled before leaning over and pressing a soft kiss to Brendon's cheek, affectionately shooing him out of the door when Brendon didn't immediately make any move to get up.

Brendon had to take a moment to brace himself once his feet hit the concrete path leading up to Ryan's front door. His limbs seemed to be made of jelly that didn't want to receive his brain's commands to continue moving, but after inhaling deeply, Brendon found the strength to step forward, his eyes darting around rapidly as if he expected to see Ryan hiding behind one of the shrubs littering his lawn.

Brendon instantly noticed that Ryan's vehicle wasn't in the driveway, and although he could have simply parked it in the garage, Brendon knew that Ryan rarely chose to do so, and unless he had changed over the past few years, which was a possibility, that could mean that he was out, and that Jon had been right after all.

Still - Brendon hadn't come this far to give up now, so he kept going, mounting the porch quickly before rapping loudly against the wood barring him entrance from the house, even hitting the doorbell to his left a few times for good measure.

"Ryan?" Brendon called out, pressing his ear against the door in the hopes of picking up some sounds of life from inside, but he could hear nothing. "It's Brendon, and I don't care if you don't want to see me, but I'm not leaving until you let me know that you are okay," Brendon all but screamed, his words tearing at his throat on their way out, but after a full minute with no response, Brendon was thoroughly convinced that Ryan either wasn't home, or that he couldn't answer.

Brendon no longer had a key to Ryan's house, he had thrown it away when Ryan had refused to take it back, but if Brendon remembered correctly, Ryan always kept a spare underneath the loose brick in the siding, mostly because he had the bad habit of losing his keys when he was drunk, and much to Brendon's relief, when he knelt down and stuck his fingers where he hoped the item would be, he felt cool metal underneath his hand, emerging with a dirty key that fit the lock perfectly, allowing the front door to swing open on its oiled hinges.

On the surface, Ryan's house appeared exactly how Brendon had seen it last, maybe a bit neater than before, but nothing seemed obviously out of place, and there were no signs that something awful had happened here, but the welcoming atmosphere that always seemed to imbue Ryan's home seemed off - stale maybe? Brendon couldn't find the exact term to describe it, but whatever it was, it was decidedly unpleasant, and Brendon had never felt this uncomfortable here before.

"Ryan?" Brendon tried again, projecting his voice as loudly as possible, echoes of his own query raining down on him as he peered into the living room, but no one called back to him, and the silence that followed pressed down heavily against Brendon's shoulders as he continued further inside.

The television and record player were both off, which was another anomaly for Ryan, reinforcing the fact that Ryan most likely wasn't here, but Brendon kept going, checking the bathroom, the kitchen, the dining room, and the studio before finally making his way into Ryan's bedroom, having found no sign of the older man anywhere else.

The door was closed when Brendon reached it, and even though he had torn through every other inch of the house in what could only be described as a frantic manner, he found his steps slowing without his consent, because as badly as he needed to check to make sure that Ryan wasn't inside, he also didn't want to know, because if he was, it was highly unlikely that he would be breathing, and if he wasn't, that would leave Brendon with no idea where to look next, and both options had Brendon on the verge of tears as his hand grasped the brass knob tightly.

Brendon exhaled loudly when his hurried scan of the room revealed it to be empty, the bed was clean and made, and there were no indicators that would lead Brendon to believe that Ryan had even spent the night here. After double checking the adjoining suite, and even peeking in the closet just in case, Brendon was forced to admit that he had panicked for nothing since it appeared that Ryan had simply decided to take off for an undisclosed amount of time instead of ending his life like Brendon had initially thought.

But just when the ever present tension was starting to leave Brendon's muscles, he spied something sitting atop the pillow closest to him, the name scrawled on the front catching his eye, because it was his name, meaning that the folded piece of paper that he had almost missed in his initial sweep was meant for him.

And even though Brendon was terrified at what the contents of the note where going to contain, he couldn't stop himself from tearing the paper open, because maybe Ryan had explained himself in this letter, telling Brendon where he had gone, and why he had decided to give him all of his panic! memorabilia on a whim, but no - of course nothing could ever be that simple. The white page only contained a single line, and the four words had Brendon struggling to choke back sobs once again, his original fears rising up as he read the sentence over and over, trying to decipher a hidden message in-between the letters that he knew he was never going to find.

This was a goodbye, Brendon knew that without a doubt, but he was unsure what sort of farewell it was, and whether it was permanent or not, but somehow, he had the awful feeling that this wasn't a 'we can't talk anymore even though I'll always care for you' sort of thing, or even a 'I'm leaving town, don't look for me even though I want you to' type of note. It felt too heavy, too final, and fuck - even if Brendon was overreacting, or jumping to conclusions, he would swear on his life that Ryan was in danger, if it wasn't already too late to save him that was.

"Baby?" Sarah's sudden presence startled Brendon, causing him to jump in place, crumbling the note in his sweating hands. "Are you okay? I've been calling you, and you have been in here for a long time."

"He's gone..." Brendon gasped out, hot tears spilling down his cheeks as his knees gave out on him, depositing his body onto the pristine bedsheets with a soft thump.

"What do you mean?" Sarah asked warily, her eyes dancing around nervously as she spoke, most likely looking for Ryan, or his body judging by the way Brendon was acting.

Brendon wanted to explain, to share his thoughts with Sarah, to ask her what he should do now, but he couldn't, so instead, he held the piece of paper up so she could read what was on it, displaying the line that Brendon knew he would never be able to sing again without breaking down on stage.

'It was always you'

So I know this chapter was sort of short, but I didn't really know what else to add to this, so I just ended it here so I could get this update posted before I go back to work tomorrow.

I think this is really the second to last part of this, even though I know I have said that before, but I'm serious this time...maybe lol.

I'm super tired, and I am not one hundred percent happy with how this turned out, but I haven't been able to write anything at all for the past two days, so this was the best that I could do at the moment.

Votes and comments are always lovely.

<3 starr