TW: Anxiety attack, self deprecating language

Thomas was sitting on the edge of his bed lost in thought. He couldn't stop thinking about the conversation they all had about a week ago. He is still trying to wrap his mind around why Virgil won't tell him  something. And thomas has been feeling  little to no anxiety which worried him. So he continuously goes over everything he knows. Virgil can control how anxious Thomas is. If he takes away all of his worries he will vanish. Virgil feels like a burden, antagonistic, excessive,  and selfish being.Thomas wishes he knew how to help Virgil but he's tried everything he knows. So he decided on trying  a new tactic.

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I was going to try a new tactic in order to make Virgil feel better about himself today and I was scared. Scared that this would all completely backfire. I was going to talk face to face so there was no escape from talking to each other about it. I had to summon him but I felt like I should try Logan first. I summoned Logan and he popped up in one corner of my bedroom. 

(going to do talking in a text like way)

Logan: Yes, Thomas?

Thomas: Umm, can I talk to you about Virgil.

Logan: If I'm correct in assuming what you want to talk about then my answer is negative.  I can not break his trust and you deserve to hear it from him not me.

Thomas: I understand... Thanks anyways.

Logan: Of course, but if I can lend one piece of advice.

Thomas: Anything!

Logan: Be cautious how you word things.

Thomas: Good to know?

Logan: Well I must be off.

Thomas: Bye

Logan: Good luck and good bye.

I watched him sink out. After he was gone I waited maybe 5 minutes pondering all that I was going to say. I then summoned Virgil. When he popped into a corner of my bedroom sitting criss cross I immediately realized how much paler he was than normal and how dark the bags under his eyes looked.

Thomas smiled as he said: Hey Virgil!

Virgil gave a small smile and responded: Hi Thomas.

Thomas: SO  uh I was wondering if we could talk

Virgil looking as if  he already knew everything responded with: about what?

Thomas: Oh the conversation we all had over text not to long ago.

Virgil: Oh it was nothing just a bad day was all. Sorry if I worried you.

Thomas: It's fine I just wanted to talk about the thing that you don't want me know?

Virgil visibly tensed before he said: Umm not much to talk about

Thomas: Please Virgil I want to help you feel more part of the group.

Virgil: Why?

Thomas: because you're family! And a great person!

Virgil: Thanks but I would have to disagree...

Thomas' heart broke in half as he heard that and responded with: I don't see why?

Virgil: I do...

Thomas: Well can you tell me about it so I can understand...

Virgil: I... uh..

Thomas nodded and smiled encouragingly

Virgil: I don't think very highly of myself as you know

Thomas nodded

Virgil: And I feel like I'm ruining everything for everyone and none of you will ever be happy with me here

Thomas noticed how Virgil's eyes dulled as he said that sentece

Thomas: But we could never be happy with you gone.

Virgil: You'd get over me.

Thomas: I swear we wouldn't

Virgil: thanks?

There was a small silence

Thomas: SO uhh

Virgil looked back up at Thomas

Thomas: Will you please tell me what your hiding from me Virgil please!

Virgil looked away instantly and shrunk a bit more into his hoodie curling the cuffs of the sleeves around his hands.

Thomas waited patiently for an answer

Virgil: are you sure you even want an answer?

Thomas: Positive

Virgil: Well um

Thomas: go on I won't judge or anything promise

Virgil looked Thomas straight in the eyes for a second as he scanned them for a sense of what he was thinking before looking back down at his feet.

Virgil then rapidly spat out this long explanation: I can control how much anxiety you get. But whenever I keep you from getting anxiety I can get really sick depending on how much I kept from you and although i get better in a couple of days it worsens my mental state each time. Also if I were  to get rid of all your anxiety I would vanish never to return.

He then started fidgeting anxiously with his hoodie strings as Thomas sat flabbergasted trying to comprehend what Virgil just said.

After a few minutes Thomas said: Wait... what?

Virgil hesitated before saying much slower than before: Umm I can control how much anxiety you get but if i keep you from having anxiety it makes me really sick for a couple of days and leaves lasting impacts on my mental state and If i keep it all from you I'll vanish. 

As Thomas sat quietly lost in thought Virgil continued quickly: I'm sorry Thomas.  I know I should try harder to keep you less worried because it's my job and I should just let myself vanish because I'm a selfish, self deprecating, antagonistic, useless, worthless, burden, freak who has no point in life expect to badger you with senseless doubt causing you more pain that good and I'm so sorry...

After saying this Virgil pulled his hoodie over his face and pulled his knees to his chest.

Thomas snapped out of his thoughts and quickly responded by rushing over to hug his dark friend who seemed to sacrifice more than anyone else for his happiness. As he hugged Virgil he could feel Virgil tense up even more and start to sob.

Anxiety's /Virgil's POV

I just told him all of that... Why would I do that I'm so stupid he now probably hates me and probably wishes for me to vanish. Why couldn't I have just kept it all in for longer. Now he knows how incapable and weak I am.  I'm such a useless burden and all I ever do is cause problems. There is no point whatsoever of me to stay here now. He's going to hate me so much he'll probably start taking anti-depressants just to get rid of me. 

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Anxiety didn't hear or even realize when Thomas embraced him in a caring hug and started telling him that everything was okay.

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I bet he probably feels guilty now too. I've ruined everything for him. If I had never existed it would have been better. I should just vanish now then at least I wont have to hear them all mock  me and be angry for what I've done I'm such a mess just a burden I can't even take care of myself let alone Thomas I'm such a bad person I'll never be able to help him with anything He hates me I'm worthless just a........

Anxiety is silently sobbing and shaking with his eyes pressed tightly together. I tell him everything is alright but I can tell he can't hear me.  I wish I could help him and I'm desperately trying but to no avail.  I can't believe someone would do that for me. Make them self miserable and sick just to see me without worry. But Logan was right I do feel guilty that he has to feel this way. That he is doing all this stuff for us yet believes all these horrible things...

I then shifted the way I was holding onto him and my hand brushed past his forehead and I could tell from barely touching it that he was burning up with fever.

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Another one coming soon thanks for reading! Don't forget to vote to let other people share in the angst .Peace!