Escape from Mordicrom

A Space Opera Story by Wuckster

Orgum Stallos grumbled to himself as he walked clumsily across the outer surface of the spaceship. He had always found spacesuits to be bulky and difficult to maneuver in, and he'd never gotten the knack of walking in the magnetized boots that kept him from floating away into space. He also really hated cleaning, and the Solar Iguana was a very dirty spaceship indeed after it had ducked into a massive dust globule in an effort to avoid detection by the military fleet of Mordicrom. The crew of the Solar Iguana had just ripped off the famous Valeris Emerald, which was the Emperor of Mordicrom's most valued possession. It was rumored that whoever owned the emerald would have wealth, power, respect, and the ability to make a flawless soufflé.

The heist had almost gone without a hitch. There was a master counterfeiter on the crew of the Solar Iguana by the name of Yuntai Kxlryn who had made a nearly perfect replica of the emerald. Orgum had developed an algorithm that allowed them to bypass the security codes in the vault, while the acrobatic Monkeyman twins Utos and Batos had made the actual switch. Their pilot Vetiver Corlaris had kept the engine running on the Solar Iguana while the heist took place and they had managed to escape without detection. Unfortunately the Emperor of Mordicrom had been entertaining a lady friend at the very same moment and knew something was wrong when his legendary Fish Cheese Soufflé suddenly collapsed into a heap of mush.

Needless to say, the Emperor of Mordicrom flew into a howling rage and immediately ordered his military into action. What had originally appeared to be a clean escape, was now a desperate run for dear life for the Solar Iguana and its hapless crew. Vetiver Corlaris had managed to obtain some highly illegal technology that allowed the ship to exceed the safety standards for speed within solar systems and he was an excellent pilot, so he managed to keep the Iguana ahead of the Emperor's ships, despite their much more powerful engines. A few nuts and bolts had shaken loose, but the sturdy little spaceship had managed to stay structurally intact.

After some fancy maneuvering through the thick cloudy atmosphere of a nearby gas giant, it appeared that Vetiver had managed to shake off their pursuers, but unfortunately a few hours later the main force of the imperial fleet popped up on their radar and began firing their massive laser cannons at them. Orgum had managed to design some powerful shields that absorbed the brunt of the impact from the lasers, but one expensive solar panel did get vaporized in the process. Luckily it didn't control any of the ship's vital functions, although it did knock out all of their video screens and the crew would not be able to watch any of their tele-dramas until they could get it repaired. Orgum had become very obsessed with the soap opera "As Arcturus Turns" and he was highly displeased that he was not going to be able to find out who the father of Atalantia-Forex 2's child was.

Still, Orgum had to admit that missing out on his favorite tele-drama was still preferable to being blown to smithereens, and shortly after that Vetiver had spotted the dust globule, which seemed to have gotten the fleet off their tails. At least for the time being. Unfortunately, the dust globule seemed to have been formed of some strange, sticky substance that adhered to the surface of the spaceship and was gumming up the navigation systems. Vetiver had gotten them out of the globule, but they weren't going anywhere else anytime soon. The ship was going to have to be cleaned off right where they were in the middle of outer space.

They played a high stakes game of Space Rummy to determine who would get the honors, and unfortunately for Orgum Stallos, he was the big loser. He could have refused, but this would have involved being forcibly ejected from the Solar Iguana without a spacesuit. The crew members were not at all sentimental about each other, especially after a job had been completed, and Orgum was not foolish enough to back out on the agreed upon terms of an honest wager. Thus he found himself on the outer surface of the ship wiping off some sort of space slime.

He really wasn't sure what the substance was, but it was thick, sticky, and he swore he could detect an ungodly foul odor even through his space suit. Despite his extreme distaste for the task at hand, he found himself beginning to get absorbed in it. The space slime was starting to piss him off and he vowed to make it his mission to completely obliterate it from the surface of the ship. He was so intent on scrubbing a particularly nasty spot that it caught him completely off guard when his space helmet smacked against something decidedly solid. The impact was enough to give him a mild case of whiplash. He tried to rub his sore neck, but was thwarted in this effort by the helmet.

He turned to try to see what he had bumped against, but there didn't appear to be anything there at all. A closer inspection revealed that there was some space slime that seemed to be stuck to the empty space right above the surface of the ship. He reached his hand out slowly and it hit some sort of invisible barrier that it couldn't pass through. He attempted to scratch his head in confusion, but was once again thwarted by the annoying space helmet. He balled up his hand inside his glove and knocked on the space in front of him.

A small ball of light appeared in front of him and grew quickly in both size and intensity. Before he even knew what was happening, he felt himself being sucked into the light, which had grown so bright he temporarily lost his vision. He also apparently lost consciousness, because the next thing he knew he was lying on his back in some kind of small room. He also couldn't help but notice that a large pink furball with sharp teeth had attached itself to the front of his space helmet and was growling loudly at him.

"Get down, Foo-Foo," a high-pitched voice said. The furball let out a little whimper and detached itself from Orgum's helmet. He sat up slowly and peered around.

A beautiful blonde woman in a long flowing blue dress sat on a little cot gently stroking the pink furball, which was now snuggled up against her chest.

"Um, where am I?" Orgum asked.

"You are inside of my escape pod, which I have cloaked and attached to your ship. I am the Princess Loralyndia of Mordicrom. I have been seeking an opportunity to escape my planet for years and when I spotted your ship hovering outside the vaults, I knew my chance had come and that I must act quickly. I grabbed Foo-Foo and ran to the nearest pod. I managed to anchor it to your hull mere seconds before your ship blasted off."

"Are you crazy, lady?" Orgum asked. "You could have gotten us all killed! Just the extra mass from your pod might have slowed us down enough for the fleet to catch us. Not to mention I don't think the Emperor's going to be happy we kidnapped his daughter. He's already pretty pissed about the emerald. Wait, are you the Emperor's daughter? You said you were a princess, right?"

"The Emperor of Mordicrom is indeed my father, but I doubt he will be too upset that I am missing. One of his thirteen sons will sit on the throne someday and rule in his place. My fate was only to sit still, be quiet, and look pretty. I have no desire to be a princess. I want to be a space pirate like you, and travel the galaxy and see the stars. And by Mordicrom law, once I left my planet I forfeited my rights to the title."

"What makes you think I'm a space pirate?" Orgum asked.

"Did your crew not steal the Valeris Emerald?"

"Well, yes, I suppose we did."

"Then you are space pirates," Princess Loralyndia said with a small sniff.

"Space thieves, maybe," Orgum said. "I don't know about pirates. Wouldn't we have to wear puffy shirts and eyepatches and have hook hands and peglegs to qualify as pirates?"

"I declare you space pirates, so space pirates you are. Now I grow tired of these cramped quarters. Will you not take me aboard your ship?"

"Lady, you might not want to be a princess, but you sure as hell act like one. I'll take you aboard the ship, but I'm not sure how my crewmates are going to react."

*

The Monkeyman twins Utos and Batos were much more intrigued by Foo-Foo, who they recognized as a potential rival to them, than they were by the Princess, who they barely paid attention to. Foo-Foo and the twins took turns sniffing each other and letting out little growls for the next several hours. Yuntai Kxlryn was friendly enough, but it soon became apparent he was interested in the princess's elegant dress, which he believed he could create a counterfeit version of and sell for large quantities of cash. Vetiver Corlaris voiced some concerns about the unluckiness of females aboard his spaceship, but he also seemed to kind of blush in her presence and constantly called her "ma'am." It was determined that the Solar Iguana still wasn't clean enough for the navigation systems to properly work, so Orgum Stallos got sent back out to scrub more space slime.

Unfortunately, during the time that Orgum had been back inside the ship, the slime had somehow evolved into a bunch of three-foot tall bipedal sentient slime creatures who were intent on conquering the ship. They were also a bunch of sneaky little buggers and before Orgum had even realized what had happened, one of them managed to creep up behind him and turn off his magnetized boots. He felt himself suddenly floating away from the ship out towards open space. The slime creatures, who were apparently able to stick to the ship simply by being composed of space slime, pointed and laughed at him as he drifted away towards his doom.

Luckily, he had a space harpoon in his utility belt, in case of accidents such as this. He aimed toward the hull and pulled the trigger. The harpoon caused a particularly ugly slime creature to splatter into millions of mucus droplets as it passed right through it on its way to slamming into the ship and catching. Orgum reeled himself back to the ship and latched himself onto a special hook on the surface. This prevented him from floating away again, but it didn't give him much in the way of mobility, which wasn't ideal as the slime creatures decided to attack him all at once. Apparently they didn't take too kindly to the fact that he had pulverized one of their friends. Several of the creatures set to work trying to tear holes in his space suit as he lashed out with his hands and feet attempting to shake them off. He managed to splatter a few more of them with his boots, but the creatures kept coming, and he thought he heard a little ripping noise in his suit, which would be decidedly not a good thing.

He dug around in his utility belt until he found a little blowtorch used for minor repairs, a can of WD-40, and a portable air pocket. Under normal circumstances what he had in mind would be a spectacularly stupid idea, but desperate times called for desperate measures. He used the air pocket to provide enough oxygen to light the blowtorch, and then he sprayed the WD-40. A plume of flames shot out briefly, but powerfully enough to incinerate the attacking slime creatures. They would not be conquering the Solar Iguana today. Not on Orgum Stallos's watch.

He couldn't get his magnetized boots to turn back on, but he did find a tether line attached to the ship's hull and pulled himself slowly, inch by agonizing inch back to the airlock. By the time he made it back inside he was ready to collapse from exhaustion.

Yuntai Kxlryn looked up from the fake dress he was forging when Orgum dropped to the ground. "About time, Stallos. What took you so long? You goofing around out there, you lazy bum?"

"Come a little closer and say that to my face," Orgum panted. "Just close enough so I can wrap my hands around your throat, you stupid counterfeiter."

"Looks like you got the nav systems back up just in the nick of time," Vetiver Corlaris called out. "It looks like we've got another bogey approaching from a few parsecs away, but closing rapidly."

"That is no ordinary military ship," Princess Loralyndia said as she studied the screen. "It appears my father has sent Raxx the Enforcer after you. We are in very big trouble now."

"Who is Raxx the Enforcer?" Vetiver Corlaris asked.

"Only the most cruel and relentless hunter in my father's entire army. He will not rest until every last one of us has died a slow and painful death including me. Nobody is allowed to defy my father's will. Not even a princess."

"Well, we're just going to have to outrun this jerkwad then, aren't we? Strap in everyone. I'm going to give her some extra juice."

The engine let out a little sputtering noise and then stalled entirely.

Vetiver Corlaris flung up his hands in frustration before he had the presence of mind to run a systems analysis on the ship. "It says something's gumming up one of the exhaust pipes. Did you not do a thorough cleaning job out there, Stallos?"

"I thought I had been pretty exhaustive in my efforts," Orgum said.

"Get back out there and check that exhaust pipe," Vetiver Corlaris shouted. "And for God's sake hurry up! Raxx the Enforcer is closing in on us fast!"

Orgum made sure his magnetized boots were working again and made his way back out to the surface of the ship with a sigh. It was very difficult to move quickly in the clumsy boots, and the exhaust pipe in question was on the other end of the ship. He thought he could see a bright light off in the distance that was heading towards them and growing bigger, although it was possible he was just imagining this. At least he hoped he was.

He had started to fall into a good rhythm and was moving at a relatively decent pace when he suddenly slammed into something solid and was forced to come to a dead stop. He was confused for a brief moment before remembering the princess's invisible escape pod that was still attached to the Solar Iguana. He felt his way along the side of it until he reached the edge and was able to make his way around it.

After what felt like several hours, he finally reached the exhaust pipe. It was only wide enough for him to reach an arm inside and it was too dark for him to clearly see what was causing the blockage, although he made his best attempt by putting his visor right up against the opening of the pipe.

He was suddenly blasted with a spray of slime. It covered his visor so that he couldn't see anything through it, but he could feel a pair of tiny hands tearing at his space suit. Apparently one of the slime creatures had managed to escape and hidden in the exhaust pipe. He grabbed blindly at it and attempted to fling it off into space, but it stuck solidly to his glove.

He used his other hand to try to wipe off his visor. The slime mostly just smeared around, but he did manage to get a little bit of vision back. He was pretty certain that light he had seen had gotten bigger and brighter. Pretty soon they would be within laser range of Raxx the Enforcer.

The slime creature was wriggling around in his right hand, trying its best to rip off his glove. Realizing he didn't have time to mess around, Orgum squeezed the creature with both hands until it exploded into a splatter of slime droplets. He reached into the exhaust pipe with his arm to make sure that there weren't any more creatures hiding in there and gumming up the works, but it appeared to be clear.

Vetiver Corlaris must have run another systems analysis and come to the same conclusion because the ship started to vibrate and Orgum could hear the dull roar of the engines starting to warm up. He needed to get back inside the ship in a major big hurry as he was pretty sure his magnetized boots weren't going to hold up to the thrust of the ship once it got to full power. Especially not with the illegal technology the Solar Iguana had in large quantities.

He tried to run, but it was an extremely clunky process in his boots. Glancing over his shoulder he could see the light of Raxx the Enforcer's ship was getting steadily bigger and brighter by the second and the sound of the Solar Iguana's engines was getting louder and louder. Wasn't there some sort of emergency entrance to this thing somewhere? He wished he had studied the plans of the ship a little more carefully.

He came to an abrupt forced stop as he slammed into something solid and invisible once again. The princess's stupid escape pod. Wait, how did this thing open again? He began pounding on the invisible surface frantically. He was getting jostled around as the ship began trembling violently as the engines continued to warm up. They would undoubtedly be at full capacity in a few seconds. To make matters worse, a barrage of lasers pounded into to hull of the ship just a scant few feet away from him. Raxx the Enforcer was upon them! He swung his gloved hand wildly at the invisible barrier in front of him and suddenly the little ball of light appeared in front of him and he was sucked into the pod just as the Solar Iguana began to accelerate at an extremely rapid rate.

*

Orgum Stallos couldn't see anything that was happening outside as he huddled on the cot inside the escape pod, but the fact that he was still in one piece and hadn't been incinerated to smithereens in a giant fireball seemed like a good sign. Every now and then he'd get tossed around to one side or another so he knew Vetiver Corlaris must be pulling off some kind of fancy maneuvers. Luckily he really was an excellent pilot. Orgum didn't dare try to make his way back inside the ship until things calmed down a little bit. The waiting was agony, but eventually he managed to sleep for a while on the cot.

When he woke up he was aware of a sense of quiet and stillness. It didn't seem like the engines were running. Had they managed to escape Raxx the Enforcer? He decided to risk making his way back to the main ship.

He knew something was wrong as soon as he passed through the airlock. The red emergency lights were flashing and everything was too quiet. He knew the crew of the Solar Iguana well and one thing they were not was quiet. The Monkeyman twins Utos and Batos were known to shriek at deafening volumes most of the time and Yuntai Kxlryn frequently liked to drink insane amounts of ale and bellow old space shanties. Right now he didn't hear anything at all.

Until he heard the approaching footsteps.

He ducked behind a large piece of tubing just as a guy in a form fitting yellow spandex uniform that covered him from head to foot walked by. He carried an exceptionally large gun and wore a huge pair of Mordicrom military-issue goggles. The Solar Iguana had been boarded.

Orgum watched as the Mordicrom army man ducked into the restroom to relieve himself. Orgum picked up a wrench from a nearby shelf, sneaked up behind the intruder, and conked him on the head. Then he quickly pulled on the man's yellow spandex uniform, strapped on the goggles, and grabbed the gun. Secure in his disguise, he headed towards the ship's main cabin.

There he found the rest of the crew along with Princess Loralyndia and Foo-Foo tied up and laying on the ground. He couldn't tell if they were still alive or not, but there was a large man with long bright purple hair tied up in a man bun standing over them laughing loudly. He sported a fu manchu mustache and his enormous belly was exposed as he wore a black leather vest with nothing underneath it. His belly bounced around as he laughed. He had also managed to find Yuntai Kxlryn's ale supply and had helped himself to it. Orgum was pretty sure this had to be Raxx the Enforcer.

His suspicion was confirmed a moment later when the fiend spoke. "I, Raxx the Enforcer, have captured the thieving scumbags who stole the Valeris Emerald along with the treasonous princess. I shall achieve unfathomable glory and be showered with fame, riches, and the love of millions of beautiful women! What a wondrous day! But first, I shall have fun ripping you lot apart one limb at a time. And sucking out the marrow from your splintered bones!"

A bunch of army men in yellow spandex uniforms identical to the one Orgum wore were standing around Raxx the Enforcer and let out a loud cheer after he spoke. He seemed to drink in their adulation for a moment and then he silenced it abruptly with a wave of his hand.

"Enough!" he shouted. "I will begin with the ungrateful princess who has committed the unforgivable crime of violating her post on beloved Mordicrom. The law dictates she has surrendered all rights as a person and that I, as her conqueror, may do as I please with her. And I believe I shall violate her in every way imaginable as well as a few unimaginable ways. It would be a shame to cause damage to her expensive dress, which is still technically the property of the Emperor of Mordicrom. Please remove it."

Orgum had seen enough. He checked the safety on his enormous gun and then opened fire. He mowed down the army men before they could get to the Princess and then he turned his fire on Raxx the Enforcer. His enormous belly exploded in numerous bloody wounds, but he leaped to the side and drew a laser gun, which he fired at Orgum, hitting him in the leg before he managed to gain cover behind an overturned table.

Raxx the Enforcer wiped the blood off his belly and then sucked it off his fingers with a laugh. "So we've got a loose thread to attend to, do we? Very well. This shall be fun. Not as fun as violating the princess, but we'll get to that in a moment. Now where did we go, little birdy?"

Orgum leaped out from behind the table and pulled the trigger on the gun. Unfortunately he seemed to have used up all the ammunition during his first attack.

Raxx the Enforcer smiled exposing a set of gnarled and rotten teeth. He fired his laser gun again, intentionally hitting Orgum in the other leg. Then he blasted him in each of the shoulders. Orgum collapsed to the ground in extreme pain.

"I believe I shall cut off your toes one by one and force you to eat them," Raxx the Enforcer said. "Then we shall move on to your fingers."

Orgum Stallos closed his eyes and resigned himself to his fate. Suddenly he heard a gurgling noise, followed by a thump. He opened his eyes again and saw Princess Loralyndia standing behind Raxx the Enforcer with her ropes wrapped around his throat. Foo-Foo, who had evidently bitten through the ropes that tied them up, was clamped to Raxx the Enforcer's ankle. Princess Loralyndia continued to squeeze the ropes until the light disappeared from Raxx the Enforcer's eyes.

She flung the ropes aside and then rushed over to Orgum. He tried to say something, but she tore away the spandex that covered his face and planted a big kiss on his lips before he could get anything out. After several long, passionate minutes she released the kiss.

"Whoah," Orgum gasped. "What was that for?"

"Killing always gets me hot," Princess Loralyndia said. "Now let's get the rest of these clowns untied, sell the Valeris Emerald, and go steal something even better."

"Sure thing, Princess Loralyndia," Orgum said.

"Don't call me princess. I'm a space pirate now. In fact, you can refer to me as Captain Loralyndia."

"Aye aye, Captain," Orgum said. He tried to salute but the pain in his shoulders was too much to bear.

Captain Loralyndia carried him down to the medical bay and the robots began fixing him up. By the time he emerged she had fully assumed command of the ship. Even the Monkeyman twins Utos and Batos were quietly respectful of her.

"Where shall we go, Captain?" Vetiver Corlaris asked.

"Set the controls for the Findelbrot System. They are sworn ancient enemies of my father and he will not dare to follow us there. Plus, I hear they have this really fabulous diamond..."