Knock Knock, Jenny Penman

Jake Hero grinned down from his position atop the podium, his stance cool and easy with his forearms resting upon the slight angle of the otherwise flat surface. His aviators, large enough for those journalists gathered to see their collective reflections had they wished to do so, did their job and protected his retinas from the potentially harmful ultraviolet rays of the twin stars.

They also looked cool, just as everything else about Jake Hero did.

His aviators were cool. His hair was cool. His lazy beard and clothes, were cool.

Basically, Jake Hero was one cool-ass motherfucker, and he knew it.

"Jenny," he said, pointing out a bosomy redhead in the baying crowd. The rest fell silent as she got to her feet.

"Jake Hero, you've done it again," she said. There was a certain huskiness to her voice that Jake found incredibly sexy, much as he did everything about Jenny Penman. "You've saved the galaxy again, this time from a marauding band of psychopathic killer cyborgs... What's next?"

"Well, Jenny," Jake replied, removing his aviators and delivering the mother of all winks in her direction. "I was thinking dinner at Papa Joe's followed maybe by cocktails at AreTeeBar and then probably a show - I hear the Travestock are playing Lemurs in Lust - and then, if it's quite alright with you, I intend to screw you somewhere very, very uncomfortable."

"What, like the back of a Volkswagen?!" someone yelled towards the back of the crowd.

"Oh, Jake!" Jenny Penman swooned, placing the back of her hand to her forehead as if she were an actress, with a penchant for the over-dramatic, from some old movie. "That sounds simply devine!"

***

Some time later Jenny Penman awoke to find herself sprawled across the back seat of a Volkswagen Polo with her knickers around her ankles, her skirt hiked in such a way that had anyone peered through the window, perhaps with their hands cupped around their eyes to prevent any light there may or may not be from creating glare, they would have seen that the curtains did, indeed, match the drapes.

She cast her mind back. After the press conference she and Jake Hero had hit the town. She remembered drinking something rather potent from a bottle contained within a brown paper bag and she could recall with no small amount of clarity that she had swallowed down an inordinate amount of Jake's baby batter. Then there was something about going to see a doctor, though what kind of doctor kept those kind of hours she was unsure. She did know though, the Volkswagen Polo had been parked outside the doctor's office.

"Correction," she muttered as she clambered from the car, rearranging her skirt and raising her panties as she did so. "The Volkswagen is still parked outside the doctor's office..."

She marched towards the main door as quickly as her stilettos permitted and much to her surprise, upon trying the handle she found it to be open.

"Ah, Miss Penman." The woman on the front desk greeted her warmly - though it should be noted that the woman on the front desk was only a woman in the sense that she was, indeed, a female of her species. "Welcome back. Doctor Prodder said you'd be back, eventually."

"Eventually?" Jenny asked, well aware there was no small amount of confusion portrayed by her facial expression. "What do you mean, eventually..?"

"Well," the woman - although once again, it's probably worth reiterating that the woman in question was not exactly a woman, a fact accentuated by the fact that at that very moment she was in the process of scratching behind her pointed ear with the pointed tip of her tail - replied. "It has been almost three years... That counts as 'eventually,' by anyone's standards, especially Doctor Prodder's and since he's the doctor it's his standards and opinions that count."

"Three years... I think I need to sit down."

The reception used her tail to gesture towards a couch and Jenny took a seat upon it whilst simultaneously thinking that having a tail appeared to be rather useful.

She had, of course, bigger things to think about though, and those things came back to the fore rather quickly, once she had parked her buttocks upon the soft fabric of the sofa.

"Three years?" she said again. "But it was only last night I was out with Jake Hero getting, getting..."

"Getting what, Miss Penman?"

"I, erm... I don't remember."

"That's because Jake Hero does not exist, Miss Penman."

Jenny turned her head towards the door at the back of the room and saw a tall, lanky, straw-haired fellow standing there, leaning rather casually against the doorframe.

"He does, too," she replied in protest. "I know I was out with him not twelve hours ago and even if that was not the case, prior to that I was involved in a press conference with him, after he saved the galaxy from evil psychotic cyborgs... Now are you telling me that never happened?"

"I'm telling you, Miss Penman," said Doctor Prodder - because if you had failed to make that connection thus far the tall, lanky, straw-haired fellow was, indeed, the aforementioned doctor - with what he probably considered to be a sympathetic look upon his face. "I'm telling you, that the nanites I injected into your bloodstream three years ago have malfunctioned and are at this very moment rewriting your brain. I mean, insane robots? Can you imagine how ridiculous that must sound to a correctly functioning brain?"

"There is nothing wrong with my brain, thank you very much," Jenny said. She was getting quite angry and not only because her sanity was being called into question. She was in the process of frantically trying to recall the surgery of which Doctor Prodder spoke but for the life of her, she could not recall undergoing any treatment that included the injection of nanites, tiny microscopic robots, into her bloodstream.

At that point there was a 'ding,' sound, and although Jenny Penman looked around she was unable to ascertain its source.

"Ah, I do believe that's my microwave turkey and maple syrup sandwich ready," said Doctor Prodder though to Jenny, his words sounded distant, as though he was attempting to speak through water.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I said knock knock, Jenny Penman... There's somebody at the door!"

Slap Me, Jake Hero

Jenny awoke with a start to find that her doorbell was, indeed, ringing and the menu for Jake Hero VII: Jake and the Psychotic Killer Androids, was visible upon her television screen.

"Oh Jenny you silly goose," she muttered, shaking her head as she made her way to answer the door, ensuring her bathrobe was doing its job and maintaining her dignity as she did so. "You fell asleep watching Jake Hero again!"

Jenny's surprise when she opened the door to find Jake Hero standing there, complete with his oversized aviator sunglasses, lazy beard and curly 'I don't give a fuck,' hair - not to mention the fact he was wearing clothes, too - was palpable. He was a fictional character, after all. Jake Hero was a product of Nu-Hollywood, the top-grossing character of all time.

"Slap me," she said, her mouth agape. "I mean really, really slap me."

Jake Hero shrugged. He was only too happy to acquiesce Jenny's request and showed that was the case by taking her hand gently in his own and spinning her quickly one hundred and eighty degrees. With her back facing towards him he bent the young woman over so her derriere protruded somewhat, raised the hem of her bathrobe and proceeded to deliver a series of sharp, hard slaps to her almost-firm buttocks.

"Was that good for you?" she asked, craning her neck in such a way that she was able to see the smirk upon Jake Hero's face.

"Oh you know it," the supposedly-fictional character replied as he set about unzipping his fly. "It's about to get even better though."

And it did. Well, it did for Jake Hero, anyway. Jenny Penman enjoyed it, sure, but not only did Jake seem intent on buggery and buggery alone with nothing more than a little spit for lubrication, the front door of her apartment was still wide open and by the time she straightened up, clenching her rectum so as to minimise seepage there was quite the crowd out in the corridor, but at least they were cheering so it could have been worse.

Jenny Penman closed the door, because it was most definitely beyond being the right time to do so, though she did ensure to flash a little leg whilst doing so.

"Coffee?" she asked, turning around.

Jake Hero was still in exactly the same position he had been when she had stood, clenched and closed the door, in fact he still had his trousers around his ankles.

"Classy guy..." Jenny muttered, remembering something she had read somewhere about meeting one's heroes.

She sidled around the obstacle he created and immediately noticed that something was amiss, insofar as there was a silvery, glittery, globular gloopy-type substance dribbling from the man's eyes and nose.

"Oh my God! Jake!"

Jenny made a dive for the phone, knocking over multiple vases, a couple of picture frames and a hatstand, none of which she remembered ever seeing before in her life though she put that down to a combination of stress and adrenaline, as she did so, and had all but dialled the emergency services when there was another knock upon the door.

Her thumb hovered over the call button for a split-second which, funnily enough, was just enough time for whoever was knocking upon the oak effect door to say, "Jenny? Jenny Penman? We're here to help; it's about Jake Hero. Whatever you do, don't press that fucking call button."

Now, Jenny Penman was not normally the kind of girl who would do something - or, in this case, fail to do something - simply because someone told her not to do so. It was a strange day though, and not only for the fact that Jake Hero was currently standing in a rather rigid, dribbly manner in her hallway as if he was an exhibit at a wax museum.

Jenny Hero

"So... what?!" Jenny Penman stared, completely and totally dumbfounded which, considering she was a reasonably intelligent, privately educated young woman, was most definitely not something to which she was accustomed.

"What, exactly, was unclear, Ms Penman?"

"Quite honestly, Mr Sinister, all of it... I was, however, just about keeping up until you said something about nanites."

"That was the first word of the explanation, Ms Penman."

"Yes," Jenny replied. "Yes, yes it was. So why not start again, but imagine for a second that I'm the least intelligent person you've ever met."

"As you wish, Ms Penman," Mr Sinister replied, and proceeded to launch into an explanation, telling Jenny Penman that though Jake Hero was, indeed, a product of Nu-Hollywood, he was also real. That he, Mr Sinister, worked for an organisation with (some might say) far more money than sense who had, many years ago, taken a John Doe and injected several million tiny, microscopic robots into his bloodstream: nanites. Those nanites had revived the John Doe and had given him rather extraordinary abilities. Thus, Jake Hero was born.

"...and the model currently seeping deactivated nanites in your hallway, Ms Penman, was the twelfth Jake Hero whereas you, my dear, are number thirteen. Jake Hero gave you a dose of healthy, functioning nanites by way of buggery - which unfortunately seems to be the only way this ever happens. It might be a flaw in the programming or simply the original Jake Hero's DNA influencing the nanites... Either way, Ms Penman, you are now Jake Hero."

"But how can I be Jake Hero?" she asked. "Surely I'm Jenny Hero."

"Of course," Mr Sinister replied. "My mistake, Ms Hero."

"Oh and one more thing, Mr Sinister."

"Yes, Ms Hero?"

"I'm not going to end up standing in a hallway dribbling like a rabies-ridden cunt. I'll take the role, I'll be Jenny Hero and I'll be fucking good at it, but tell your bosses they need to come up with a way to prevent nanite death being the same as Jenny death, all right?"

"Of course, Ms Hero," Mr Sinister replied, grinning in what was most definitely a rather sinister fashion. "I'm certain Doctor Prodder will be tasked with coming up with a way to remove your nanites safely, when the time is right."

Four and a Half Cats

It did not take Jenny Hero long to get a handle upon her nanite-given abilities. Within a fortnight she had foiled thirteen bank heists, a train robbery, rescued four and a half cats from various trees, wrestled an alligator in a sewer and prevented an asteroid from destroying the Post Office and along with it, the entire planet.

Flying incredibly fast around the planet, doing shit that no one else could do was all well and good, in fact Jenny Hero loved it. She loved it almost as much as she loved how cool her aviators were and how fucking pert her arse was, though the latter was almost entirely thanks to the nanites and probably nothing to do with the fact Jenny Penman, before she was Jenny Hero, made it to the gym once a fortnight.

But yeah, all of that was pretty awesome but the best thing, and again Jenny Hero suspected this was almost entirely the nanites influence, was that her libido was completely and totally off the fucking charts.

She had, of course, learned incredibly quickly, after a national newspaper managed to get a snap of her being drilled by three men at once, that her sexual escapades should be kept private, and she had managed to do a very good job of that, a very good job indeed.

I'm not going to give you the number but suffice it to say that Chasey Laine cannot even hold a candle to Jenny Hero, and it was whilst in the midst of raising that number to an even greater amount, that Jenny Hero's phone vibrated.

"Hello," she said, having answered the call whilst being double-teamed from behind, and following a brief moment of silence - from Jenny Hero, anyway - she terminated the call, made her apologies and got dressed.

"Hello, Mr Sinister," she said as she dropped from the sky, landing upon the grass quite gracefully, behind the man. "What was so urgent that I didn't even have time to get my jollies?"

"This, Ms Hero," Mr Sinister replied, proffering a tablet with a paused video file upon the screen.

As it seemed like the only logical course of action, Jenny Hero unpaused the video and watched.

'You may have defeated us, Jake Hero, but that was merely one battle. You have no hope of winning the upcoming war because you, Jake Hero, are but one man. We are coming, and you cannot stop us...'

"That's it?" she asked, handing the tablet back to the watching Mr Sinister. "You interrupted me whilst I was in the midst of getting screwed because of some robot on a video?"

"That is no ordinary robot, Ms Hero," Mr Sinister said, shrugging in a manner that suggested he gave less than a hoot about the fact he had called upon Jenny Hero during her extra-curriculars. "The robot on the video, Ms Hero, was an evil psychotic cyborg of the very same army of evil psychotic cyborgs that very nearly killed your predecessor. In fact it is entirely likely that his unexpectedly rapid decline is due to his run in with them."

"Well then it looks like I'm going to have to get my hero on."

"Ms Hero, and I mean no disrespect at all, but of all the things you have done since you were given the nanites the most difficult task you have accomplished was to rescue four and a half cats from a tree. I think taking on an army of evil psychotic cyborgs may be a stretch too far."

"Maybe, but the evil psychotic cyborgs are expecting Jake Hero so when Jenny Hero shows up, we'll have them off guard."

"Well," Mr Sinister replied, shrugging once again. "It's your funeral, Ms Hero. It's your funeral."

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Jenny Hero floated directly between the two stars of which the binary system was comprised. She could not breathe in a vacuum but her nanites repaired the damage her being in one caused with the greatest of ease, so quickly and effectively that she did not even know it was happening.

With her enhanced visual capabilities - because the nanites really were that fucking awesome - she could quite clearly see the portion of the star system, and several parsecs beyond, that lay before her and as such, she could see the thousand-strong army of evil psychotic cyborgs making their way incredibly quickly towards the system.

"Right then, fuckers," she muttered, reached into the star to her right - shut the fuck up it's my story - and grabbed a fistful of said star. "Time to meet Jenny Fucking Hero."

And so Jenny Hero flew out to meet the army of evil psychotic cyborgs and meet them she did, right on the very edge of the star system.

She flung the fistful of star and it spread as it travelled at the speed of light - because y'know, it's part of a star - and took the vast majority of the evil psychotic cyborgs unawares; thus, it killed them.

"Yeah!" Jenny Hero fist bumped space and it's fair to say that space fist bumped her back before she set about destroying those evil psychotic cyborgs who remained. Suffice it to say, it was not a long or difficult task because Jenny Hero was fucking badass.

***

Jenny Hero grinned down from her position atop the podium, her stance cool and easy with her forearms resting upon the slight angle of the otherwise flat surface. Her aviators, large enough for those journalists gathered to see their collective reflections had they wished to do so, did their job and protected her retinas from the potentially harmful ultraviolet rays of the twin stars.

They also looked cool, just as everything else about Jenny Hero did.

Her aviators were cool. His hair was cool. Her full red lips and clothes, were cool.

Basically, Jenny Hero was one badass bitch, a total hardcore honey and she knew it.

"Johnson," she said, pointing out a tall, broad, muscled fellow in the baying crowd. The rest fell silent as he got to his feet.

"Jenny Hero, you've done it again," he said. There was a certain drawl to his voice that Jenny found incredibly sexy, much as she did everything about Black Johnson. "You've saved the galaxy from a marauding band of psychopathic killer cyborgs... What's next?"

"Well, Johnson," Jenny replied, removing her aviators and delivering the mother of all winks in his direction. "I was thinking you can take me to dinner at Papa Joe's followed maybe by cocktails at AreTeeBar and then probably a show - I'll let you decide - and then, if you fancy it you can screw me somewhere very, very uncomfortable."