Some say that he once put his finger in a duck and that he once killed Nickelback during a show at a kid's birthday party...

All we know for certain, is he's called MadMikeMarsbergen!

"Dear Mister Mad Santa

I want a pony for Christmas. Can I please have one? I also want a Gibson SG and a Porsche 911 GT3 RS, but my mum says I can't have any of those things, especially the last two 'cos she says something about living in a world where everything's powered by steam and there's no such thing as a Porsche 911 GT3 RS and that Gibson SGs are waaaay too expensive 'cos of all the cogs and bolts and springs and stuff... So what can I have for Christmas?"

—Some Spoiled Little Shit

Dude, your mom sounds hot. Send me a picture? Also, your mom sounds like a bitch, little man, so you know she's got some sexy photos lying around somewhere... By the way, those things do exist, so don't believe your hot mom's hotter bullshit, kid.

Anyway, ponies are for girls, so you're not getting one of those. When I was your age—I'm gonna assume you're seven—I had a Ferrari. Mind you, it was stolen. I wasn't gonna wait around for anyone to spoil me. And that's what I suggest you do, too. Go on a crime spree and get what you really want. I'm not sure what the laws are like in your country, but in mine you've got Theft Under $5000 and Theft Over $5000. So the way I see it is, if you're gonna go for little things, get enough to equal $5000 so you can maximize your theft. If you're going for the jackpot, however, then things really get interesting. The sky's the limit if you're gonna go over five grand. Steal yourself a Gibson and steal yourself a Porsche—and while you're at it, steal some more shit and sell it while it's hot. That's how the pros do it.

Merry Christmas! Keep the spirit alive, young'un. Hope this helps.

LOL MADMIKE. Fucking beta cuck. U Lieberal fucking faggot ass commie luving cuck. Only cucks sellabrate chrissmiss faaaaag. I bet ur geting a knew boyfreind to fuck ur girlfriend 4 u for chrissmiss this yeer. Fuck u MadMike. TRUMP 4EVER. MAKE AMERIKKKA GRATE AGEN. #1Race2RuleThemAll"

—S. Richards

"S.," is it just me, or is your dementia getting worse?

I'm not sure what this newfound fascination with the word "cuck" is amongst moronic neo-Nazis—I refuse to say "alt-right"—like yourself, but methinks you're projecting your own insecurities. Now, this talk might get a little too "real" for you, so bear with me. Or bare with me—bare your soul to me. I'm gonna speak right into it, with tender kisses of words to help you heal.

If you get off to your woman getting banged by other men while you watch, that's okay. It's not my kind of thing, but if that's what gets your balls shooting blanks, hey, that's all you, baby-pie. Some of us prefer to go at it ourselves, rather than living vicariously while having a sad little wank in the corner as tears roll down your cheeks. Now, I know you're inbred, so it's entirely possible this cuckold problem of yours is genetic. If that's the case, own it—'cause it ain't goin' away, brother.

I know you're scared. You have this idealized image of what a man is supposed to be, and you know you're not it. You can't please your sister. You wish you could, but for some reason the only thing that really gets you going—and I mean jumping up and down while you rub yourself raw—is watching a black guy with a huge schlong tear your sis a new asshole. So own that shit. You're experiencing "cognitive dissonance"—you hate yourself but you also love yourself (and your relatives) a bit too much, and it's hard for you to marry those two feelings, so you project all your fears on the rest of us. It's okay. Babe, look at me: It's okay.

See you in February, Mr. Richards? Merry Cuckmas—I mean, Christmas.

"Dear Mike,

HAIL SATAN THE GREAT HORNED FATHER OF THE ETERNAL SHADOW. YOU MAY NOW BE SEATED. PLEASE LISTEN INTENTLY AS THE FATHER HATH SPAKE THY NAME MAD MIKE MARSBERGEN AND HIS WILL BE DONE. HE HAS KIND OF A PERSONAL QUESTION FOR YOU, AS PROPOSED VIA THIS BODILY CAPSULE.

SO THE QUESTION IS, LIKE, WHAT IS EVEN UP WITH CHRISTMAS? IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WHOLE BIG THING WHERE THE FATHER GETS ALL THESE PRESENTS AND FLIES AROUND ON DOPE-ASS DEMON BEASTS AND SHIT. SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE HUMANITY MANAGED TO FUCK UP THE LAST TWO LETTERS. NOW BECAUSE OF SOME ERROR IN PAPERWORK HE'S FAT AND OLD AND ISOLATED UP IN THE FUCKING ARCTIC WITH A FACTORY OF MIDGETS. PLEASE EXPLAIN."

—The Great Horned Father of the Eternal Shadow

Hello, Master. It seems I have ranked high enough within our great and honourable order to hear from you directly. The great pleasure this gives me knows no bounds...

To answer your question, humans are prone to stupid errors and are notoriously easy to mislead. All it would have taken was one moron drunk on fermented pineapple and stoned (and a bit brain-damaged) on a brick of ditchweed, then he comes home and writes the wrong name on a cave wall in his drunken penmanship. From there, a whole new religion of mistakes is born. New myths are created. It's like a longhand game of broken telephone.

But that's also a blessing. Some trickery here and there and soon those humans will be bowing to the Dark Lord once more. You are more than capable, Master.

Hail Satan.

"yeah um... if i use a steam dildo on my gurlfreind for X-mas and axidently burn her... can i bee sewed???"

—Dick Burns, Esq., Attorney at Law

You've gotten dumber, Dick. I would think a guy with a name like yours wouldn't need to use extracurricular devices like steam-powered dildos, but I guess a guy with a name like yours has gonorrhea and a whole fuckingzoo of other STDs. I take it your girlfriend survived the cryogenic sex-crime? Is shestill with you, or is she rock-hard in your basement freezer and you're wondering if a little penetration would help loosen her insides a bit? Either way, Dick, seek help... and a lawyer. Or maybe not. Methinks you'd do a bang-up job in representing yourself, psycho. Ask Santa for a new brain for Christmas—they're doing amazing things with steam-powered computers, these days.

"Dear Mike,

"Steampunk Christmas"? Where has the Christmas spirit gone? I suppose you're going to be feeding our youth droves of soulless automaton elves building automaton Franken-toys at the hand of an automaton Santa Claus riding in his steam-powered sleigh? And just where does Jesus fit into all of this "steampunk," hmm? Or the archangel David? Where is the robo-punk nativity scene? Pardon my language, but do you think God wears those (oh my, I'm just so angry!) golly-darn ridiculous goggles? DO YOU? Think of the children!"

—Disgruntled Presbyterian Mother of Five and Sunday School Teacher Who Sings in the Choir the Loudest

Mabel—I'm gonna assume your name is Mabel and that you're ninety-eight years old—don't you ever get tired of being a dusty, withered old cunt? Seriously, I'm gonna get you one of Dick's steam-powered dildos for Christmas and moisten you up a little... maybe put it up your ass and show you what the kids are doing these days. The Dark Lord wears goggles and he even has a set of red-hot gears he uses to keep his big red balls warm. What a party-pooper you are. Let the kids have fun this Christmas instead of ruining it with Jesus and all that other bullshit. Newsflash: Jesus and Santa are gay with each other. Why? I dunno, I just felt like saying that because I thought it would shock and horrify you and give your heart a scare.

Hail Satan, you old dingbat.

Where the fuck do these weirdos come from...?