A Christmas Miracle

By Wuckster

Well, my last minute Christmas shopping plans are kaput thanks to those stupid giant robots. There's this cute little boutique I found a few months ago, and I know they would have had something perfect for my best friend Chrissy. But now they've got the whole downtown area closed off because of another robot fight. Last time this happened thirty city blocks were levelled, so the chances of my boutique surviving seem not so good.

You're probably wondering why I waited until Christmas Eve to buy a gift for my best friend. Well, time got away from me, all right? First I got very involved with that fundraiser to save the West African guinea pigs and that took up a lot of my time and attention. Then this week's podcast required a lot more research than usual. I never knew there were so many unicorn themed polka bands. Who would have ever thought, am I right? Besides, Chrissy understands. She was doing the research with me and was equally swamped.

What's that? Oh yeah. You're also probably wondering about why there are giant robots fighting downtown. The truth is nobody knows. Millions of these building sized robots just descended from the sky one day all around the world. No explanations or anything. They won't talk to people, no matter how many times we try, and believe me I've personally tried to talk to like eight of these things. I only come up to halfway to the height of their pinky toe, even when I stand on my tiptoes, so maybe they just can't hear us.

At first they seemed like they might be kind of useful to humanity. There was this attack on Tokyo. Some sort of Godzilla or Mothra or some oversized critter like that. Ten of the robots there joined forces and fought it off. There was another report where a robot supposedly helped a kitten that was stuck in a tree. All good stuff, right? But then there wasn't much happening that required their assistance, and they all just kind of stood around doing nothing. They must have eventually gotten bored, which I totally understand, because they started fighting each other.

The first time it happened was somewhere in the middle of Kansas, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Some cornfields got trampled and I think an old silo got knocked over, but nobody got hurt and property damage was kept pretty minimal. But the next fight broke out in Paris and there was a lot more destruction involved with that one. Let's just say the Louvre no longer exists, and as for the Eiffel Tower? One of the robots broke it off and used it as a blunt instrument. Yeah, not good.

The fights started becoming more frequent after that. Sometimes a few days would pass without incident, and sometimes you'd have several fights somewhere in the world on the same day. There's not much us humans can do but try to get out of the way. Sure, we tried to stop them early on, but our military weapons don't do anything to these guys. They just swat away our jets and missiles like they were gnats. It honestly just leads to more destruction of human lives and property, so we learned it's better not to intervene. The robot battles usually blow over on their own after a few hours.

So long story short, that's how I ended up stuck shopping at the outlet mall over on Frasier Street, and let me tell you, the pickings there were slim. I finally ended up getting some arts and crafts supplies. My mother always said homemade gifts meant more, and that's why I always got a pair of hand-knitted undies every year for Christmas. I think I can do better than that for Chrissy. I'm thinking something involving a big poster board, lots of glitter, cotton balls, pipe cleaners, maybe even a little dried macaroni. And, of course, a deep heartfelt message about how much her friendship means to me. I'm still working out the details of what the contents of said message will be, but it's going to be freakin' heartfelt, damn it!

Needless to say, the last thing I was expecting as I walked out of the mall was a Christmas miracle, but I guess that's the sort of thing that only happens when it's the furthest thing from your mind. I was undoing the lock on my bicycle when I heard the sound of jingling bells behind me. I assumed it was one of those Salvation Army people, so I dug in my purse to see if I had any spare change.

The Salvation Army must have really upped their game this year, because when I turned around, not only was there a guy in a full Santa Claus outfit, but he also had a bright red sleigh with eight real live reindeer hitched to it.

"HO HO HO!" the guy dressed like Santa yelled in my face. His breath smelled like eggnog and sugar cookies.

"I appreciate the commitment to the role, but could you back it up a step?" I said. "You know, personal space and all that? Here, I've got eighty-three cents. Take it. Merry Christmas!"

The Santa guy looked at my outstretched hand for a moment with a confused look on his face. Then he put his mittened hands on his jiggly belly and let out a joyful laugh.

"What's so funny?" I could feel my face turning involuntarily red. "I'm sorry I don't have more money on me, but who carries cash around these days?"

"There seems to be a misunderstanding, Petunia Pettigrew. I'm not looking for a gift from you. I'm here to bring you gifts!"

"Wait, how did you know my name?" I asked.

"I'm Santa Claus!" he said with a twinkle in his eye.

"Shouldn't you be going down chimneys and leaving presents in people's houses?" I asked.

"Well, yes," Santa Claus said. "I should be. But those goshdarn robots are interfering with my schedule. So I've had to improvise a little bit. I was just passing by overhead when I saw you coming out of that market and I thought it would be a good opportunity to bring you your presents. You've been a very nice girl this year, Petunia Pettigrew, so I'm going to let you choose three presents. Anything you'd like. Just ask and it's yours."

"Really?" I asked. I had to take my glasses off for a moment and rub them with my jacket as they had suddenly gotten fogged up. "Anything I'd like?"

"Anything at all!" Santa Claus bellowed.

I looked at my shopping bag full of feeble art supplies. I don't care what my mother said, I never really liked those handknit undies. "For my first present, I don't want something for myself. I'd like to get something really special for my friend Chrissy. I was hoping to hit up that cute little boutique downtown, but you know, robots."

"That's very generous of you, Petunia Pettigrew," Santa Claus said. "And what would your friend Chrissy like?"

"Well, she really likes penguins. And windchimes. She collects those. Do you have any windchimes that look like penguins?"

"I believe I have just the thing in here," Santa Claus said as he rummaged around in his sack. He emerged with the most adorable penguin. It had enormous eyes and chubby cheeks and a cute little smile. Dangling underneath were a bunch of baby penguins that served as the chimes. It was absolutely perfect.

Next up I figured I needed to get something for my mother. "How about some nice handmade undies. But, like, made by someone who's really really good at making them. Make sure they're comfy and fashionable. I only want my mother to drape her loins in the finest undergarment craftsmanship."

"Done," Santa Claus said as he pulled out a really snazzy looking pair of undies. "It's wonderful how much you're thinking of others, Petunia, but isn't there anything you'd like for yourself?"

"Well, there is one thing I'd like," I twisted my foot back and forth shyly. "Is it okay if it also helps a lot of other people out?"

"Of course!" Santa laughed. "What would you like for Christmas this year?"

"Do you have a big gun? I mean a really big one. Like a bazooka or something? And packed with powerful blasts? Like powerful enough to blow up those giant robots? Because whatever the military's been using hasn't been working."

"Well, luckily I've got the power of elf magic to make my toys," Santa Claus said. "I've got just the thing. We made a prototype of this a few years back thinking it would be a fun contraption for kids. But then some little boy in Idaho turned Boise into a smoldering crater in the ground, so I had to stop giving it out. It should work wonders against those robots. I call it the North Polarizer X3000." He pulled out a big old shoulder mounted device and handed it over to me. "HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

"Santa?" I asked. "Would it be okay if I asked you for one more favor?"

"Sure, Petunia. What would you like?"

"Do you think you could give me a ride in your sleigh?" I put on my most charming smile. "Maybe we could fly around together blowing up robots?"

"Why, that sounds like a fantastic idea! Hop on in!"

The wind blew through my hair as we made our way downtown. I could hear the sounds of the robot battle and smell the smoke from blocks away. When they finally came into sight I took careful aim and pulled the trigger. There were two of them engaged in combat and I managed to blow them both to smithereens with one shot.

"That was amazing!" I shouted. "Santa, do you think I could travel with you tonight? Maybe I could help you deliver presents in between destroying robots all around the world?"

"Why, of course, Petunia. You'll be the best little helper Santa ever had. On Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer! On Vixen! On Comet! On Cupid! On Donner! On Blitzen!"

And that was how I had the best Christmas ever and also took care of the world's robot problem in a single night.