Just Average
A spunky heroine short by @stringcheeze.

She slouched in a booth at her favorite diner and sipped at a café americano. Resting her chin in a palm, she leaned on the elbow propped against the table and closed her eyes.

"You look like shit, Val," her friend Clare said as she slid into the opposite seat. She set down two plates and slid one across orange Formica tabletop. Valerie's eyes opened at the smell of fresh fried egg and bacon and she watched steam rise from the warmed croissant. Picking up the breakfast sandwich, she bit into it, blowing a breath around its molten cheese.

Valerie fanned at her mouth. "I feel like I haven't slept in a week," she said as she chewed. "Getting out of bed this morning was brutal."

Clare sipped at her own coffee and nibbled on the blueberry bagel slathered with cream cheese she chose. "Work getting you down? Didn't you say you were in the middle of a big project?"

Valerie wiped her mouth with a napkin, catching a dribble of cheese at the corner of her lips. "Finished that last week. It's been smooth sailing ever since."

"What about you and Robin?"

"We're fine," Valerie said and shrugged. "He left two days ago for that yearly work conference thingy so I have the apartment all to myself."

"Pregnant?"

Valerie sputtered a cough. "What?"

"Pregnant. Are you pregnant?" Clare smirked. "It would explain the tiredness."

"No, I'm not pregnant. The timing is off. Besides, I don't think pregnancy leaves you with bruises." Rolling up her shirt sleeve, Valerie extended her arm towards her friend. Her tan skin was mottled with layers of yellow-green beneath fresh purple and red welts. "These are all over the place."

Clare gaped at the bruises. "That bastard – I will cut off his balls.”

Valerie blinked in confusion. Once she realized what made Clare so mad, she was quick to come to her boyfriend's defense. "No, I told you – I don't know where these came from. Robin is not beating me! These appeared after he left for his conference."

Mollified, Clare sat back and continued to eat her bagel. "Any new exercise regimen?"

"No, same old kick boxing class."

"Bear wrestling?"

Valerie smirked. "Maybe. Feels like it."

Clare drummed her nails on the table. She looped a curl of blond hair through the fingers of her other hand, smoothing it over and under again and again, scrutinizing as played with the circle of hair.

"What?" Valerie asked before taking another bite of the sandwich.

"Maybe you're sleepwalking," Clare said as she nodded and wagged a finger. "My college roommate did that – I'd find her in the weirdest spots in the morning. One time I found her curled up on top of the dresser."

"I've never done that."

"Doesn't mean you can't start."

"I suppose."

Clare wiped her mouth and dropped the crumpled napkin on her empty plate. "You still have that R-Fit device you used to wear, right?"

"Yes, why?"

"Wear it. It might tell you where you go at night."

Clare had a point. The little device had a built-in GPS unit in addition to its fitness programs and biometrics tracking. If the user wasn't already compulsive about the number of steps taken in a day, or the average heart rate during a workout, they would be after wearing the device for a week. Despite how good she felt about her daily activities, the statistics always depressed Valerie.

"Good idea. I'll put it on tonight."

Her friend laughed. "Don't sound so shocked. I occasionally come up with a decent idea or two."

"Two words – Marvin Olin."

Clare rolled her eyes and sighed so deep it took a half minute to release the breath. With the next one she smiled. "Would you stop bringing him up, or I'll just have to remind you about Leo Larsen."

Valerie felt her face flush. "Touché."

The two friends parted the diner and went their separate ways after Clare made Valerie promise she'd be kept in the loop as far as what the R-Fit recorded. Unable to concentrate, Valerie daydreamed her way through work. By the time five o'clock rolled around, she was happy to head home, eat dinner, and crawl into bed. Robin called while she ate her way through a grilled chicken sandwich from the small bistro around the corner.

"Just admit it, you can't sleep without me," he teased after she shared events since the last time they talked. "I could get all mushy and tell you it's been hard in this big king-sized hotel bed without you, but you hate mushy."

She smirked at his face in the split view of her tablet, faint traces of the coffee table she propped her legs on showing through the clear crystal of its display. "Oh yeah, that must be it – I miss your snoring."

"I do not snore," Robin said, trying to keep a straight face. He failed.

She chewed on the inside of her cheek. If anyone would know, he would. "I don't sleep walk, do I?"

"Not while I've been with you. Or if you do, you've never woken me up." His brow furrowed as he leaned closer to his tablet, his face taking up more of the projection. "Why?"

"Clare figures that’s what's happening."

"It would make sense." He glanced at his watch then swore. "I gotta get back. The schmoozing begins and I need to save Barry from himself before he single-handedly tanks the company."

"Lock him in a closet."

Robin laughed. "I just might. Get some sleep, Val. Love you."

"You too. Knock 'em dead."

After a hot bath, Valerie wrapped the R-Fit dongle around her wrist. Exhausted, sleep came easy.

****

"So, how did it go?" Clare smiled wide. "Or rather, where did you go?"

Valerie frowned. The whole thing had been a total bust. "It's broken."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean this." She slid her phone across the tabletop to Clare. They sat in the same booth at the diner they always did. "It's broken."

Clare stared at the small screen for a moment, studying the analysis of Valerie's overnight habits. According to the display, Valerie had circumnavigated the globe four times during the night.

She laughed. "When did you get a rocket?"

Valerie made a face and rolled her eyes. "At least that would be exciting."

"Reboot both devices and try it again. What have you got to lose?"

"Another night's worth of sleep," Valerie grumbled.

Instead of taking Clare's advice, Valerie went with more drastic measures. From the bottom drawer of Robin's desk, she pulled out his miniature camera. It had been a gift to him the prior Christmas to take videos while he skied or biked through the local nature trails.

Watching the footage of his escapades was fun the first half dozen times, but it became repetitive and dull. Robin buried it in his desk to be forgotten until he found a new hobby to film.

Valerie attached the small device to a shoelace and tied it around her neck. Before going to bed, she set the timer to record around the same time the R-Fit had indicated her movements. Without difficulty, she fell into a dreamless sleep but woke up just as tired.

Nothing prepared her for what she saw in the morning when she pulled the card from the camera and slid it into her tablet.

****

Valerie opened her eyes to stare at the ceiling above. Gun metal gray, it reflected the dull yellow from the glowing orb sunk into its middle. Mumbling chirps came from her right and she turned her head to face its source.

A small creature with wrinkled blue skin and a shock of white hair hopped up on the stool beside her. His three-fingered hand gripped a small gun device. Before she could protest, he jabbed the pointed end against her biceps. A ball of fire bloomed deep in the muscle beneath it.

"Ow!" Valerie grabbed at her arm and rubbed at the injection site. "What the -- what did you do that for?" The creature shook his head and continued to chatter. Three eyelids slid over the large black eyes sunk into his nose-less face as he blinked.

As he muttered, Valerie understood a word here and there. Testing her stability, she sat up and glanced around the room. Set with machines and equipment, beds and wheeled trays, it appeared as a laboratory of some sort. Rational thought told her to panic, but something felt familiar about the place.

The creature talked to himself. "I don't know why. I mean what... when... totally...."

Valerie watched the little blue man with the three-fingered hands scuttle around the lab. "Where am I?"

He spun on feet that looked similar to his hands. The hair on his head twirled in a way that reminded her of the troll doll she had when she was a child.

"Oh good, you're...." His sentence ended with a grunt click.

"I'm what?"

He repeated the grunt click again.

"Sorry, I don't understand."

His head shook side to side with a rapid beat and his hair matched the movement. Hopping off of a stool, he waved a hand at her before shuffling towards the door in the corner. Hesitant, she followed, sliding her legs over the edge of the table to test her weight on them. When they held, she walked toward the hatch, ducking through the short door into the next room.

He jabbed a finger at the door to a locker. Colored in the same gray as the walls and ceilings, it stood in front of a small bench. Two other locker and bench setups sat adjacent to it.

Valerie smoothed a finger over the seam where she thought a handle should be. One shimmered into existence beneath her touch. Startled, she yanked back her hand.

"It won't bite. Just open the ... thing."

She did as told, swinging open the door after thumbing the latch. A body suit hung inside. The deep purple fabric had a rubber feel to it like a surf suit, but the arms and legs were full length.

"Put it on."

"What?"

"Your body," he said, flailing a hand up and down to indicate her height. "Your body. Put it on."

"Why?"

The three lids slid together and he sighed. At least Valerie thought he sighed -- it sounded like a protracted wheeze. From his pocket he withdrew a small probe and brandished it towards her.

"Every time, I swear. Your species is more trouble than it's worth." He depressed a button on the device and an arc of electricity sparked from the tip. "Put it on!"

"No, I--"

With a grunt, he reached out to poke her in the thigh with the probe. A sharp jolt coursed through her hamstring and she yelped.

"Watch it, you...Smurf!"

"That was the lowest setting." He cranked the base of the probe. The blue arc glowed brighter when he pressed the button again. "This is the highest -- now put it on."

"Okay, okay," Valerie relented, glancing back and forth between the probe and the suit. "Fine."

She realized then she wore her pajamas. Something about the situation seemed so familiar as if she had stood at the same locker before. Unable to catch the thought and analyze it, she shrugged and worked on the buttons of her top.

Glancing down, she caught the eyes of the creature as he stared up at her.

"Do you mind?"

"Mind what?"

"Turn around."

He made the protracted wheezing noise again. "That's the other thing -- you're all prudes!" He turned in place, waddling around till he faced the next bench.

"Pervert," Valerie mumbled as she stripped, tossing the pajamas in the bottom of the locker before pulling out the suit.

Despite looking four sizes too small, it stretched to smooth across Valerie's arms and legs. She tugged at the zipper pull near her navel, drawing it up over her stomach, between her breasts to the base of her throat. The zipper line disappeared, sealing into one seamless expanse of dark purple fabric.

"What's this for anyway?" She asked as she pulled on the boots that went with it.

"You ask that every time." He frowned, impatient. "Prevents major injury."

"Major injury?"

"Yes." The creature motioned her back into the lab and she followed. "Lacerations, broken bones, organ failure. That sort of thing."

"Should I be expecting any of that, Cleep?" Valerie paused at mid-duck through the hatch. "Cleep. That's your name, isn't it?"

He tossed his short arms up in praise. "About time, Mrixi Almighty." His large black eyes glared at her. "At least I should be thankful the gears in that dense skull of yours seem to grind faster each time. How your species ever got to be the apex predator on your planet is anyone's guess."

"Opposable thumbs," Valerie said, wiggling hers. "I've been here before, haven't I?"

"Every night this quarter cycle."

His words felt true even if she had no proof and no memory. "That explains why I'm not freaking out even though I should be." She smoothed her hands down the suit, surprised at how it vacuum sealed to her body like a second skin. "Why me?"

Cleep patted the table and she obeyed, sitting on the cool metal. The suit moved with her, allowing free range of motion throughout her joints despite the constriction she felt.

"Average is good for statistical purposes." He shrugged. "You're average. Below average really."

"Thanks." Valerie snorted a laugh. "Jerk."

He produced the small gun again and fiddled with the dials at its base. Peeling back the cuff of her suit, he jabbed the tip into her wrist.

"Ouch!" She gritted her teeth against the jolt of pain as the needle poked into her flesh, piercing the skin into her vein. "If you don't stop, I'm going to shove that...." Her words died in her mouth as the injection slid into her with a rush of warmth, flowing through her limbs till it rolled back up into her head with the beat of her pulse. A hot flash brought a sweat to her brow and she fought against the sinking sensation.

Cleep presented her with a large metal bowl and counted backwards. "Three, two--"

Valerie glared at him in confusion before she realized what he was counting down to. She doubled up over the bowl as the nausea threatened to floor her.

"--and one," he said over the sound of her vomiting.

****

"Give it a go," Cleep said after they walked into what looked like a small gym. Others with their own little blue escort spaced themselves out at the equipment. Each wore a similar suit as hers, adapted to extra limbs, breathing flaps, or tails.

"Give what a go?" Valerie asked. She tried not to stare, but the sheer weirdness of the creatures gave her pause. One biped that looked to be a cross between a jack rabbit and a sasquatch barred teeth at her.

"The fight dummy." Cleep pointed to a padded form in the corner. Valerie walked over to it and poked its puffed chest with a finger.

"And do what?"

"Whatever comes to mind."

Valerie stared at the dummy and shrugged. Moving into a stance, she picked out a spot and aimed a fist at it. Without thinking, her other fist joined in, followed by a left knee to its solar plexus and a right cross to the face.

"Wow," she said with surprise as she stepped back. "What was that?"

"The compiled knowledge of your planet's battle techniques."

"All of them?"

Cleep nodded. "That last injection."

Valerie played with the dummy, her hands and legs developing minds of their own as if directed by a brain that wasn't hers. Stepping in close, she leveled a series of pressure point blows to strategic locations with a knuckle.

"Your fight starts in ten. Don't waste your energy," Cleep warned as he watched.

"Did you see that?" Valerie caught her breath. "I have no idea what I'm doing, but that looked cool!"

Cleep yawned and checked a small device in his pocket. He tapped on it with a finger before looking at it again. "I take that back -- the fight starts in five. Come with me."

Valerie followed Cleep through the maze of hallways, all the same shiny gray color with orbs sunk into the ceiling for light. His short legs moved at a trot to keep ahead of her. A monotonous din became louder the longer they walked. Valerie felt the vibrations as she pressed her fingertips to the closest wall.

"What is that racket?"

Cleep smiled. His mouth lacked any teeth. "Your adoring fans."

"My what?"

Cleep pushed the controls to a door and a wall of sound from the room beyond washed over her. Clapping hands to her ears, she stumbled forward to follow Cleep through the door.

Blue faces and shocks of white hair lined the narrow aisle. The cheering intensified as Valerie continued, the small creatures raising their hands as they climbed to stand in their seats. The space was an arena -- the largest Valerie had ever seen.

Feedback from the overhead speakers squealed, the noise piercing into her eardrums. A groan went around the crowd as the creatures reacted in a similar way, gripping at small tufts on the sides of their heads. Two thumps reverberated through the arena before someone spoke.

"While our crew preps the ring for our next battle, you still have time to place your bets. Autotellers are located in the armrests of your seats for your convenience."

As she descended the stairs behind Cleep, Valerie noticed two blue workmen in the cage at the bottom of the arena. Together, they pushed around a mechanical floor cleaner, buffing out the green spray that marred the mat's white surface. She tried not to think which bodily fluid it was.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to announce the contestants for our final bout," the voice through the speaker said, dramatizing the last two words. "In the gold corner, we have the undefeated challenger, the Brawn from Barado Prime -- Ms'this!"

Cheers and catcalls rang in Valerie's ears as the crowd went wild when a spotlight hit the creature descending the staircase opposite of hers. She squinted, trying to make out detail in the white wash of light. All she saw was a thick brown elongated blob.

"And in the red corner, we have your returning champion, the Valkyrie of Sol Three -- Valerie!"

The spotlight found and blinded her. The crowd screamed even louder -- for such small creatures, they made a din to raise the dead. A black spot marred her sight once the bright light left her face.

"Cleep, what the hell is going on?" She asked as she caught up to him at the base of the cage. The cleaners rolled their machinery out of its door, leaving behind the pungent scent of the solution they used to clean up the mess.

"The first to pass out, loses."

Valerie blinked, both from shock and with trying to clear her vision. "What?"

"Cage match," Cleep said, wagging a finger towards the mat. "You're the returning champion, Champ."

"I am?"

"Is all of your species this dense, or are you special?"

"Watch it. Probe or not, I will punt you." Valerie glowered at him, hands gripping her hips. "Are you saying I'm supposed to fight that?" She jutted her chin at her opposite number on the other side of the cage. Details filled themselves in as the blind spot in her vision faded. The brown elongated blob was a bipedal lizard with a long torso covered in a dark green suit. Flaps flared from its head behind golden eyes and a thick tail swished along the metal floor. Jagged claws gleamed in the light as it made fists.

"Yep." Cleep answered. He hopped up on a small platform beside the cage. "Knock him dead." Pausing, he scratched at his temple. "At least I think it's a him. Knock it dead, anyway."

The door to the cage opened and Cleep motioned for her to enter. Ms'this did the same through the opposite side. The mat gave with spring beneath Valerie's feet as she moved a few steps around the border of the cage.

Memories returned to her in the same way she remembered Cleep's name. She had been in the cage before -- faced with a new opponent each time -- and fought tooth and nail to remain standing. That she walked away with nothing more than bruises astounded her.

The gecko-man-creature across from her blinked, great nictitating membranes washing across the horizontal pupils in his golden eyes. For a moment, the flares of leathery skin near his ears paused. He remembered prior bouts too. The fluttering then increased as he paced on short legs, tail coiling and flicking much like that of an annoyed cat.

"This is it, folks -- this is the bout you've been waiting for." The announcer called into the microphone. "Which planet's fighting technique will reign supreme?"

Roaring to deafening levels again, the crowd cheered. Valerie's heart rate spiked at anticipation of a bell to signal the first round. Stepping up, she balanced her weight over the balls of her feet and bounced. Her opponent did similar, cracking his knuckles.

A loud chime echoed above the crowd and Valerie sprang for Ms'this. With shorter legs, he was slow to meet her but made up for it. Twisting as he bowed, his tail lashed out for her torso. Valerie swore and ducked, angling a punch into his exposed side. Ms'this staggered sideways, tail whipping back around for counter balance.

Landing the first blow earned her a round of applause from the crowd. "Come on, lizard," Valerie shouted. "Momma needs a new pair of boots!"

Ms'this seethed, flaps flaring wide. He recovered and punched at the air with his claws. They whirled towards her as he raced forward. Valerie reacted on instinct, circling her forearms to block the claws from her face. She took a step and lifted a knee. When she set her toes down, she angled the knee into his stomach. The heels of her palms jutted out, punching at his chest. His claws raked across her arms as he fell back, but the suit protected her.

Ms'this changed tactics. Squatting, he spun, cartwheeling as his tail whipped around, lashing through the air. She backed out of the way, but he feinted and switched directions, spinning to catch her unaware. Breath rushing out from the blow of his tail across her back, Valerie staggered forwards.

"What did you say, ape?" Ms'this called out as his hands reached for her neck to yank her backwards. Tucking downward, Valerie skirted into him then drove the side of her fist into his abdomen. As her elbow swung up, it nailed Ms'this in the chin. He stumbled away, but not before his claws raked across Valerie's cheek.

Touching her face with a hand, she saw the smear of blood across her fingertips. Flicking it away, she dropped back in a stance and stuck out her palm. With a grin on her face, she motioned him forward with her fingers.

"Bring it, luggage!"

The crowd erupted into wild screams and applause.

****

Valerie replayed the video four more times, the memories flooding her mind as she watched. The card ran out of space in the middle of the second round, cutting the fight footage short, but she remembered how she ended the battle by boxing the delicate flaps around Ms'this' ears -- or at least what she thought were his ears. He toppled in a heap with nothing more than the tip of his tail twitching.

Unlike prior times, she retained her memory of strutting around the ring after the bout, egging on the fans for even louder cheers. Seeing it come to life on the tablet solidified the experience -- she had battled an alien and won.

"I'll see you in a cycle, Champ," Cleep had said as he pressed the injection gun to her hand. She had already changed back into her pajamas.

"A cycle?" Valerie rubbed at the pin prick. Whatever he gave her started to dull the pain that crept into her body as the adrenaline wore off. "Why? And what's with the damned injections?"

"Translator bots, knowledge nanos, and now a painkiller. Later a memory scrub. All veterinarian approved, I assure you."

Valerie resisted the urge to cuff him upside his head.

"This was quarter finals." His white hair shimmied side to side as he laughed a deep gurgle. "Next is semifinals. You're on your way to the top!"

"Top of what?"

Cleep swept his three-fingered hands wide as he tilted his head back. "Top of the galaxy, that's what! You. Me. We could make a fortune at the gladiator games. You humans are vicious!"

"Thanks, but I like my life the way it is," she said, following as he led her through another series of nondescript hallways.

He made a noise as he touched a wall. A door opened. "Vicious, but so boring," he said as he entered the room. Valerie followed.

Cleep brandished the injection gun again, working the knob at its base. When it beeped at him, he lifted it to his ear and gave it a shake. Swearing, he shoved it back in his pocket.

"I guess we'll skip the memory wipe. Nobody will believe you anyways," he said, wagging a finger at the platform near the far wall. "Over there. You know the drill."

Valerie complied, moving to stand on the blue X taped onto its floor. She glanced at the ceiling -- like everywhere else, a single buried orb was its only feature.

"Till next time, Champ."

Cleep thumbed a button near the door. In an instant, Valerie felt herself pulled into her navel, shrinking until she compressed to the size of an aspirin. From there, she flew sideways at a screaming pace till the trip abruptly ended moments after it began. Outward she expanded like an inflated balloon.

Standing on her bed back at the apartment she shared with Robin, Valerie collapsed in a heap on top of the covers as the last of the painkillers took effect. When she woke up hours later, she remembered the camera attached to the shoelace around her neck.

"What the hell happened to you?" Robin asked that evening when he arrived home from the conference. He pressed a finger against the scabbed-over gouges in her cheek. His hands found the bruises along the lengths of her arms, and he turned them over to look.

"Sweetheart, you are never going to believe this," Valerie said, a huge smile splitting her face as she held up the memory card.