Have you ever lost someone to death?

I have.

Thrice.

Just thinking about it was slowly killing me from the inside out.

The first time was with my parents.

I was the eldest of three and had the most memories of them.

Song and Sam were very young and had the least to remember.

Their deaths changed our lives.

We were taken in by our very strict grandmother who up until her own passing, ingrained the value of following the customs and traditions that were expected from people of our stature.

I did.

I tried.

I really, really tried.

That was until my wedding day when I shattered all expectations and ran away not just from my groom but from the life I knew.

It wasn't just an act of rebellion.

I wanted agency of my own life, away from the prying eyes of the woman who wanted nothing from me but perfection.

There was always this aspiration to learn about life without the comforts that came from being royalty.

Running away and turning my back on my grandmother and my family hurt her but during that time, I didn't really care about anyone's feelings.

I wanted to experience life on my own terms despite not knowing how to go about it.

Starting over from scratch wasn't easy but I made it.

***

The second time death visited was with my sister, Song.

This was the hardest for me to accept.

I blamed my grandmother again and couldn't quite forgive her for what happened.

Car crashes seemed to be Death's favorite thing when it came to my family.

I also felt guilty for what happened to Song.

Perhaps if I didn't leave, if I took on the responsibilities that I was burdened with, she would still be alive.

Song didn't have the heart and the tenacity to take over the demands of my grandmother.

But I left to follow my own heart.

In doing so, I lost her and I had to live with the consequences of my decision.

***

The third time, Death was expected.

My grandmother was sick.

But instead of spending time to be with her like what Sam pleaded for me to do, I held my ground.

I didn't want to see or spend time with her.

There was always something in me that resisted because we always fought and she made me mad.

With my grandmother's death, I had to let go of the guilt and resentment.

What was left was sadness for losing the person who made me who I was.

I was told that during the last moment of her life, she was calling my name.

Perhaps my grandmother loved me.

She just had a different way of showing that it.

***

Now, the girl I love the most was in the hospital in comatose state.

This killed me.

Our last conversation was still vivid in my mind.

She was coming to see me.

Anueng was so alive and hopeful while I talked to her on the phone.

I knew she would hear me if I called that dang radio program she liked so much.

That was the only way I could think of to get my message across.

I was right.

When my phone rang, I was ecstatic to see that it was Anueng calling.

But that excitement was cut short.

Her scream tore my heart and my body went cold with fear.

When a man's voice came on, all coherent thoughts left my mind.

I don't even remember how I got to the hospital without getting into a mishap.

All I remembered was seeing the bloodied and almost lifeless body of Anueng.

***

Her family blamed me for what happened.

I knew they were frightened.

I felt the same way too.

But I would never wish for something like this to happen to Anueng.

All I wanted was to love her.

But they would have none of that.

To them, what I did was wrong.

They thought I deceived and took advantage of their trust.

If they only knew how I did my best to push Anueng away.

But my girl was persistent.

She confessed early on that she loves me.

I found it ridiculous how she could easily say those words to someone she barely knew.

But maybe she was on to something.

She followed me around the market and my apartment to spend time with me.

I was annoyed with the childish behavior.

But there was something endearing about the bright-eyed girl with the smile that could light up the world.

***

I would give anything to see that smile again.

To hear that laughter and to be annoyed just because she said it made me more human.

She was funny like that.

If this was a different circumstance, I would push Anueng away because I didn't like how she clung to me like glue.

But the more I did that, the more she pushed her body towards me.

The memory of those days brought tears to my eyes.

If I had the chance, I would go back to those early days.

I would let her annoy me to the brink of losing my sanity just to have her back.

My girl was always here.

Now she was asleep on the hospital bed asleep as things continued for all of us who were waiting for her comeback.

***

I couldn't say that I felt alive while she was in a place that neither I or her family could reach.

The days were longer and endless.

I no longer felt satisfaction for my job or my paintings.

There were hours when I would sit in front of a canvas and nothing would happen.

I would just stare at it, my heart lost in the vast space I couldn't fill.

I longed for Anueng.

In her absence, my fingers refused to draw a line or a single stroke.

The fear that she would leave me while she was asleep had my heart in a chokehold that I often struggle to breathe.

I didn't want to lose her.

Not when she broke through the impenetrable walls I surrounded myself with.

Anueng showed me that I could be happy and that I could be loved not for being royalty but simply for being me.

These thoughts were enough to make me break down.

Me who never lost control of my emotions, who taught herself to smile through things good or bad so that no one will know what was really going on in my mind, was finally exposed.

My humanity was laid bare.

It wasn't a good sight to see.

But for Anueng, I embraced this new me if it will bring her back and rouse her from the endless somnolence.

Right now, I would give everything to look into those beautiful eyes and to feel the warmth of that smile that lit up my world.

But my prayers remain unanswered.

Anueng lay undisturbed in her sleep.

I could only watch in silence and in desperate wait.