The near-death experience changed everything.

By the way, it wasn't supposed to happen like that.

I was going to see Ar-Nueng so I rushed out of the house to see her.

Thankfully, no one was there to stop me.

My heart was a bullet train hurtling in my chest after I heard her on my favourite program.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that the woman who was averse to sharing her personal story to strangers would actually call and confess her feelings.

I was perplexed by what she said.

It probably took a lot of overthinking from her to do that.

***

I thought she didn't love me.

Before I heard her story, I really believed that she was okay if I left to live with my mother in the US.

But Ar-Nueng managed to deliver the message.

It was all I needed to hear to make an important decision.

I knew my family would be furious but from the start, I also knew who I wanted.

Hell, high waters or my family could never stop me from seeing the woman who captured my heart the very first time I laid eyes on her.

But in my haste, I was fully operating on my emotions and not paying attention to where I stood.

It was dark on that corner of the street.

What happened next was not part of my plan.

I laid on the ground blooded, unconscious, severely injured.

It was strange to see myself like that.

There was so much blood I thought I died.

It was horrifying to see such a tragic scene.

My phone was still on and I could hear Ar-Nueng's frantic voice on the other line.

I grabbed the phone but it was useless.

My fingers passed through the gadget that surprisingly survived the accident.

The driver was frightened but still had the sense to pick up my phone.

He spoke to Ar-Nueng and I watched the ambulance wheeled my bloodied body away.

***

Fear.

Pain.

Hopelessness.

It was all so raw and I sensed it all in Ar-nueng.

She, whom I only wanted to see smiling and happy, was helpless and distraught.

I felt bad for doing that.

Like what I said, almost dying wasn't my plan.

I wanted to see her.

To be with her.

To let her know it was her I chose amidst the chaos and opposition from my family.

But there she was – alone and inconsolable in the waiting room.

She clutched the plastic bag that had my phone.

Her hold was tight as if she was trying to keep herself tethered to something that was mine.

Me.

The girl who annoyed her so much she didn't know what to do with me.

***

I stood in front of her wishing she could feel my touch.

She couldn't.

I was just air, passing through her body, the warmth vaporizing before she even noticed it.

My heart broke to see her shattered.

Again, it was not supposed to be like this.

I was coming to her to declare over and over that it was her I love the most in the world.

But that was not the case.

There I was, helplessly watching the woman who owned my heart and soul.

It sucked you know?

What a cruel universe.

All we ever wanted was to love each other but no.

Something bad had to happen leaving Ar-Nueng and I in this impossible state.

***

I sat beside Ar-Nueng until my family came.

Even in this grim situation, when I was standing between the realm of life and death, they blamed her for the misfortune.

But unlike before when she chose to sacrifice her heart for the sake of duty and societal expectations, she boldly told Chet that she loves me.

We love each other.

That was the truth.

For why else would I be a silent spectator during their argument if it weren't for that love?

It was always hard to watch them.

To witness their disgust while Ar-Nueng restrained herself from getting hysterical.

The tension wasn't lessened even now that I was fighting for my life.

Ar-nueng was outnumbered.

She was also exhausted and shocked from everything that happened tonight.

In the end, she chose to leave.

She didn't surrender.

Ar-Nueng would continue to fight for me another day.

I could feel it.

***

I watched as she walked the halls with her head down.

There was no one else to see her except me.

She felt defeated and frightened of what was to come.

Once again, there was that desire to hold her in my arms.

To whisper in her ears and tell her everything will work out fine.

But I couldn't.

My mouth moved but she couldn't hear my voice.

The chasm between where I stood and where she was walking was vast and unreachable.

But I didn't let it stop me from saying the things I knew she would like to hear.

"Don't give up, Ar-Nueng."

I whispered into the nothingness.

"I will come back for you. I don't know when but I will fight through this. I am not giving up. Not now. Not ever. Have faith in me."