Jungkook wondered if colors were always this bright under water. It was probably the moon. Or taehyung lightly splashing water against his legs and giggling after.

"Jung hyuk," Or the way he calls his name.

One more time, and Jungkook thinks he can believe that is his name too. "hmm," he splashed some water back onto taehyung's feet, soaking the fabric rolled up a little above his ankles.

"What is your favourite colour?" Taehyung was still looking at the colours dissolving in the water from their feet as he spoke, his frame lit a dazzling gold from a lamp nearby.

"I don't know, I haven't given it much thought"

"Really? Not even once?" Taehyung looked at him, eyes wide, lips parted in disbelief. Suddenly Jungkook hated the mundanity of his childhood. "We played with colors all evening, you still don't have one?"

He shrugged, and thought of all colours he had dipped his hands into this evening.

"What is the colour you always wore when you were a kid?"

Jungkook doesn't remember. All reminders of his childhood left now are mostly just exhaustion. But Jungkook stares a little longer into the pond, the fading colors from their feet and his mother's purple drape gets summoned into his head. It plagues his memory so fast, Jungkook thinks he can feel the soft satin underneath his fingers.

"I don't have any colour I wore often as a kid, but I had this purple drape," he smiled, the memory of discovering it the first time when he snuck into his father's chambers repainting before his eyes. "It was my mom's. I found it in my father's room, I don't even remember why I was there"

There is no lump in his throat, no itch behind his eyes. Jungkook had always been afraid this day will come, where he won't miss his mom like the day he did when he found out about his wolf.

"I don't even cry anymore. She is just a painting framed in my father's room, like the one of Bercahaya you have in your library"

Taehyung was looking at him, he didn't need to look to know. Jungkook kicked his feet underneath water, making waves ripple through the pond's surface. "You know I'll know if you pity me even in your thoughts, right?"

Taehyung wrapped a palm over his knuckles, and ran a thumb over the blisters there. He suddenly felt like turning back into time just to smoothen them out. "I still remember the time I went on a ship with my father. That's the only memory I have of him anymore"

Taehyung looked away, and his fingers tightened around his palm.

"Sometimes I try to close my eyes and remember his smile when he said 'appa has caught two fishes taehyung-ah'" Jungkook caught taehyung's eyes falling shut, "but I don't remember the build of his jaw anymore, I -I even forgot the colour of his eyes. I hate that mine aren't the same as his. Nothing about me is like him, hyuk, I look at a stranger in the mirror everytime I try to find him" Taehyung looked into him when he said what he said next.

"I only have pity for myself, hyuk"

Jungkook didn't have anything wise to tell, so he held taehyung's hand tighter.

They sat there like that, occasionally kicking the water, throwing pebbles. Taehyung was back to smiling again, his cheeks lifted up near his eyes. Jungkook had to hold back from asking for 'just one bite'

He failed, taehyung threw his head back and laughed instead of replying. Jungkook didn't mind, he felt much better than what he would've if he had actually bitten his cheeks, now a faint pink.

"jung hyuk," the first thing up on his list when he goes back home is a name changing ceremony, Jungkook decided. "Do you think I would've still liked you if you weren't my mate?"

It had been running in his mind too. More often now than how much it did the few hours taehyung didn't know.

"I don't know," he didn't have much lies left to tell anymore. Jungkook isn't afraid to admit if taehyung asked him now, just one more time, he might break all the truth. He had nothing he wanted to keep to himself right now. "Maybe not. There's only so many times I can convince myself I'm not a monster. I don't think I can say it to someone else even as many times as that"

Taehyung didn't speak for long. But it was Taehyung, he thought before he spoke. He thought a lot.

"But I think I would have. I mean, I already did," taehyung stole a glance from him and before he could, turned to face the pond. "I think I would've continued to even if I didn't know"

"You say that because your heart was fated to beat the same rhythm as mine, taehyung," he took their entwined palms and held it to his chest. "it's all written, like a damn play" he whispered the last part before holding it to taehyung's. The warmth of his skin broke through layers of attire to heat his knuckles.

"You're okay with it?" Taehyung didn't loosen his hold like he expected him to. He only looked at him, like his reply could change the trajectory of the life written for them.

Jungkook looked at their palms, the sweat clamming between them. "I wasn't, I can't be now either"

Taehyung's eyes flashed a sad blue.

"But I don't think it changes anything," he shrugged like none of this is about them. "It's just you and me, and we both fight till the end"

Taehyung turned his head back to his feet. His skin resembled gold under the sun when he did. "I think am okay with that. I have to be" 

Jungkook suddenly wanted to break their palms away, pull his feet from the water and walk back home to gandhara because how can taehyung say that? Was he just an obligation, like one of his kingly duties? Was he here only because the fate won't let them to not be?

Jungkook hated that. He hated to just be an obligation.

But Jungkook remembered, almost instinctually, the time when he came into acceptance of his wolf. Three years after he killed the guard, I can't fight this. This is all I have. This monster is all I have.

So now when Taehyung shifts the topic to red and how it once once meant rage but now it does love, Jungkook thinks this is all he has, a few more kisses, a little more time and a few more days he can feel their sweat become one under his palm.

He noticed Taehyung's hand as red as the color he smeared on his cheek and smiled. His favorite color is red.

"The night is long," taehyung shifted, careful not to move their palms, "do you wanna go somewhere?"

He looked at taehyung. The omega was a mess, colors, sweat, a little tired. He probably doesn't look any better himself. No. Jungkook couldn't possibly look any better himself even if he tried.

"Anywhere with you"

Taehyung smiled, pulled his hands away and got up. He held one palm out and added, trying to sound threatening, "you gave your word"

Jungkook didn't expect an open grassland of all spaces he thought taehyung would take him to. "This is where you wanted to go?"

Taehyung looked far north, the black woods rolled out downhill like a thick fur blanket. "Hyuk, hold your hands out" taehyung sounded like the wind around them, slowly picking up pace.

He held his hands out, and looked at taehyung. He must've looked like the most confused wolf in the town, because Taehyung then smiled his half smile, and added, "close your eyes, trust me it's worth it"

The wind quickened, mildly cold when it hit his face.

"breathe slower" Taehyung sounded much nearer than where he stood before he closed his eyes.

The wind swept through his hair, dress, skin, almost tingling his soul. "Now run," taehyung commanded right into his ears, and Jungkook took off. He ran the fastest he thinks he has ran in his life. "Don't open your eyes," taehyung sounded a little far but much happier, "it takes the fun out"

He ran for much longer than he expected himself to, the wind almost lifted him off his feet. Jungkook felt light, like he can fall now and would still not hurt. He ran until he heard his own heart at ears, had his mouth run dry and legs turn numb. When Jungkook stopped, his knees gave out and the wet soil bed cradled his sore bones.

Taehyung crashed beside him, he looked equally spent and sweaty. This kind of smile on him was new. Jungkook decided he wanted to pluck it from his lips and keep it safely in his.

"How do you feel?" He was much louder than intended, but he looked too happy to bother.

Jungkook turned his head from the starless night to taehyung. It all sinked right there, in a mess of soil, sweat and numbness. This was his mate, his own person. This is how lucky Jungkook got.

He looked back at the sky, and felt like all the thousand stars that the night lacked.

"Free"

Taehyung drew a hand to his cheek, and Jungkook was just about to turn to him, ask him how he did. But taehyung pulled him closer, his palm always as warm on his cheek and kissed him the rawest he had ever until now. Both their lips were dry from the cold, but nothing could hold Jungkook back tonight. Not even irul, if he popped up here now.

They had all the time in the world. If taehyung kept moving his mouth the way he did, they had more than all of it.

He felt the most luckiest since he discovered his wolf. For a moment, jungkook wanted to forget he did so only because he was the protector wolf. But whoever wrote thier lives out wouldn't know how it was to be held by Taehyung, kissed by him like this and be told after;

"That is how I feel with you. Like freedom"

Jungkook didn't learn literature enough to describe how beautiful taehyung looked then. His bun had come undone, there was a strand of hair that had gone astray to the other side of his parted hair, a little pimple, pink and ripe, ready to burst sat right beside the mole on his cheek.

"Thank you"

Taehyung's scent shifted to the one on his mother's purple drape. It was some flower his father still keeps in her chambers on the days he misses her the most. It could be rose, it came halfway to rose and halfway some other unnamed flower. His vision blurred, he was about to cry.

Taehyung smiled, not a half smile, not the one he did moments before. This was also new. This was also beautiful. "And you said you don't miss her anymore" he wiped a hand down his cheek. Jungkook knew Taehyung's war-worn palms were as rough as his own, but right then even the softest of silk duvets couldn't match the tenderness they ran over his skin with.

"I didn't," he weakly argued, "you made me"

Taehyung shook his head, still smiling, "Idiot, I don't cry over the picture of bercahaya I have in my library even when I see one of her paintings kept in the storeroom"

Jungkook wanted to remember the last time he cried. It was probably when he met the family of the guard two years after he killed him and deep bowed to each one of them. His daughter looked at him, her eyes full of pure rage. Jungkook left as soon as he came.

Taehyung was looking at the sky, one hand held out to cup his cheek and wipe the tears there. Jungkook let another tear roll down, this was the person he said he would not fall for even if the moon were to come begging him to for.

"You're a grown man, kook-ah, you can't say such stuff" his father had no malice in his voice, he had only ever approached him gently as far as Jungkook can remember.

"But it's true, appa," He checked the sword's sharpness as he spoke. "I cannot put another person in harm again, I won't get to live with them anyways, it doesn't matter, don't brood"

He walked off into the training ground but his father's footsteps followed.

"Appa, why do y—"

"Jungkook, this is fate we are speaking," he sounded more hostile, "if i had known your mother would die during child birth, i would have still chosen to love her the way i did, even better in fact"

He looked at his father, "but i don't get to choose, appa, if i meet them i will tell them the truth and escort them to safety until things get better"

"But jungko—"

"No buts, appa," he shifted his sword. "I have sworn by the moon. This should've been done long back ago"

He heard his father mumbling after him, something along the lines of "but it's love, Jungkook-ah"

Jungkook had devised 3 plans after he discovered taehyung was his mate, run immediately, run after uvagai ends and run after the 3 month test. All three of them were fail proof, it was Jungkook of course. But none of them answered the question of "but what about taehyung, will he be in pain too?"

This is important because, well, it is taehyung. And Taehyung should be happy.

"What are you thinking?" Taehyung sounded like he had caught all the sweeping wind around them and turned them into a low lulling baritone.

"I always thought I would run, you know," he paused, stole a glance at him then turned back to the sky, "when I was about 16, I realised there was an easy way out all along. Don't fall in love, easy as that, right?"

He shifted his frame, turned towards taehyung, "I thought I can save you, save the world and somehow save myself too. I thought I can be the hero"

Taehyung looked at him. No, Taehyung looked at him.

"But do you know what they don't tell you, taehyung?" He pushed a strand of his hair behind his ear, traced lines between the mole on his cheek and that on his nose. "They don't tell you that heros have to make sacrifices. But I can't, that is why I'd become the villian, like everyone else before me"

Taehyung was about to say something, but he pushed a finger to his lips, "But am glad you don't have to see any of it, taehyung, even if you can... don't"

He pulled away his finger, and expected taehyung to say something wise but he only raised his eyes to meet his and asked, "you fell in love?"

Jungkook heard his own heart beat, he was sure taehyung did too. He looked at all of Taehyung's moles, stupidly confirmed they were still 3. He brushed a tender thumb over his ripe pimple. Jungkook held his breath, "yes"

Taehyung didn't ask anything after, he  smiled his half smile and shifted to face the night sky. Jungkook knew this was all too soon, too fast. A well paced book. So he turned on his back to face skywards too, breathing air back into his lungs.

"hyuk," the same lulling baritone, the same way he says his name, "I dream a lot these days, I see things I do in them. They don't look good, hyuk, all of them are bad, all of them"

"But then I wake up, and you tell me it's not," taehyung turned to face him, his eyes watery, "I'm telling you this because this is the last time I'll give you the choice to run. I can forget everything, hyuk, I will take responsibility, go home and think only of how safe you are and others, because of you, can be"

He was about to argue, taehyung pushed a similar finger to his lips. "Run now, am selfish and barely holding back from kissing you"

Jungkook locked their eyes, Taehyung's swirled a sad blue. It reminded him of when hoseok told him he had gone on a ship and the sea was really blue and sad.

"What's stopping you?"

"Everything"

"Taehyung?" He always loved the way his name rolled off his lips.

"hmm?" Taehyung sounded like he would die if he didn't kiss him right there. Jungkook's heart raced, in fact it raced more often now than it did on the training grounds when he was 13 and the wolf control exercises had been turned up a notch more exhausting.

"Kiss me," Jungkook didn't mind the crack of his voice when he said that. It seemed like neither did taehyung with the way he dived in, like a starved predator. Jungkook's palm settled right where his waist dipped and his shirt had rode up. He held onto the sliver of skin like he had never done even the gods before.

Taehyung kept his eyes closed when he kissed, he looked just as peaceful as he did when he had slept a good night's sleep. He chased after his tongue, Jungkook didn't put up a fight. Taehyung gets what he wants. Control? He let his lips follow Taehyung's. Power? He let taehyung bite his lips till he drew blood, they both tasted it until it was lost somewhere in all the drool.

Taehyung gets what he wants.

He pulled him by his collar. Jungkook was never compliant, but today he thought he would die if he wasn't. Taehyung kissed and kissed until Jungkook forgot where their limbs met, when Taehyung's shirt fabric ran off his shoulder or how they ended up in an open grassland around the break of dawn, kissing.

When they parted taehyung smiled and said, "You can't run now, you're stuck with a monster" He said that too easily like it were the weather or a summer's rice harvest. "Good luck surviving, soldier"

"Taehyung," his name sounded even sweeter on his tongue after the kiss.

"Hmm?"

"I want to go on a ship with you," before everything ends, Jungkook didn't add the last part of the sentence. He half expected Taehyung to retort with a jest, but the elder only sleepily hummed and nestled into his nape. He decided, once they were on the ship Jungkook would come clean to Taehyung about his lies.

He looked back at the sky, the stars shone much brighter than any new moon before. He swept his fingers through Taehyung's hair, soft as his mother's satin drape.

Jungkook didn't want to die.  Taehyung's nose tickled the dip of his clavicle, he felt like a hundred burning stars. This would just be the right moment to die, if he had to. Like a mess of limbs, unmatched heartbeats, and weightless from confession. But Jungkook really didn't want to die.

After a decade of relentless training to pursue death, Jungkook suddenly only wanted to live.

He nuzzled into the elder's hair, it smelled like flowers and dreams. He wants to live he wants to live he wants to live he wants to live.

Jungkook wants to live.

_____________

A/n:
I let my intrusive thoughts win ppl, this chapter wasn't planned I just went w the flow! Hopefully yall liked the lil confession hint that jungkook dropped :)

yall I changed my phone and kmdgnsnsnd it's sooo good it's Samsung so I can keepyoongi's over the horizon as my ringtone!!!! but no one calls me tho and when thye do its on silent.... anyways I'm sleep deprived, high on bls and blabbering bs ansndnf

i want him and his gender. both. I want both. no in betweens 

(ps: this is exactly how jungkook's hair in tma looks, but with historical attire)

wanna bite his dimples AHSHHSHDJSJSJDNDNSJKSJD

we don't use the m*****y e********t words in this household. we don't talk abt them. WE DONT

(the author cried hours over a sunshine hobi reel two minutes later)