[ It's fuckin' me again, you whORES.

Sorry for the horribly long wait. Same bullshit again: school, writers block, other stuff. You know the drill.

This one is a lengthy boy, and takes place immediately after the last chapter, during Ben's flashback.

TRIGGER WARNING: Although this chapter has a lot of high points, there is serious topics mentioned such as sexual abuse and suicidal thoughts/actions. Please take care as you read.

Some other news: I'll be doing art commissions soon, so be on the look out on my IG art page (@/bumie.el) for announcements on that!

Don't forget your masks and take care of yourselves.

Lov u <3 ]

Stay Creepy!~

Chapter 56

Ben's POV

I didn't really know how to feel. In my mind, I knew my nerves were on fire as we approached the concert venue, but somehow I just couldn't express that intensity. Maybe it's for the best that I don't express my feelings right now because I think we'd get kicked off the premises due to me screaming...

The billboard next to the venue, along with a multitude of signs around the area, announced Guns N' Roses presence alongside local rock bands that would have the honor to open for them. What I wouldn't give to be the musician to open for the Guns N' Roses! Thinking about seeing them live for the first time is already sending my stomach flying—imagine sharing a stage with the likes of Slash—oh my god oh my god.

"Ben?" Adam called out to me. I snapped out of my tumbling thoughts and looked up at the British teen beside me.

I was greeted with a smile on his fair face. "Your eyes are incredibly wide. If I didn't know any better, I'd  figure you were cracked out."

"S-Sorry," I stammered and covered my face for a moment.

Adam wrapped an arm around my shoulders and shook me. "Relax, Ben! It's only your first ever concert to the most historical rock band of all time—!"

"Stop it," I whined, practically vibrating in place from the anticipation.

With a chuckle, Adam helped lead me closer to the venue, keeping his arm around my shoulders. At first I thought nothing of it, but once I focused on his hand squeezing tenderly onto my shoulder, I felt a blush crawl up my face. I hope he doesn't see and tease me about it.

As we neared the front doors, I piped up, "Oh, the tickets. Take 'em out!"

We stopped so Adam could dig them out from his pocket. Then, his easy expression suddenly dropped, and he began patting down the rest of his pockets. I felt my heart begin to sink as I said, "Adam, please tell me you have the tickets."

"Oh dear..."

"Oh god...!"

"I'm so sorry, I'm...just kidding! Haha!" he hollered as he whipped out our tickets from his back pocket. I nearly fainted but also nearly punched him (it probably wouldn't have even hurt, I'm not that strong).

Instead, I settled on pushing him and taking my ticket. "Jerk! Not cool..."

"Oh, you know I'd never forget our own tickets! I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me, Benny-love."

My annoyance was brief as I acknowledged his little nickname. "L-Lo...Sh-Shush! W-We gotta go." Nervously, I rushed to the entrance while Adam called for me in that forever playful voice of his.

There at the front, we turned in our tickets, and were marked on our hands with a stamp of a star in a circle to identify us as legitimate concert goers. While I stared at the black mark on my pale skin in wonder, Adam pulled me along with a sudden eagerness compared to before.

After looking around at the people in attendance, I noticed Adam was taking us straight to the merchandise stands. Oh yeah, I should've figured!

Shirts, jackets, posters, bags, caps and trinkets; the stand was wide and people crowded it with the same geeked out light in their eyes. We came in time for there to still be plenty of stuff, but oh boy the lines.

"What do you want?" Adam asked me enthusiastically.

Trying my best to peak over the heads of the people in front of me to see what there was, I groaned and answered, "Anything is good. Preferably a shirt. Or a poster. Ooo, or maybe..."

"So everything? Got it."

"Wait, no," I giggled. "Don't spend all our money on merch!"

"Oh, alright. Damn you for being the only disciplined mind here."

"Someone has to be."

Suddenly taking my hands, he said, "Want to wait here? I wouldn't want you to stay stuck in line with me while the concert starts."

His warm hands enveloped mine so easily once again and it took a lot of will power not to place all of my focus on the sensation. Fumbling my response a bit, I replied, "I wouldn't mind staying with you. Wh-What if you don't get to see?"

"I'd rather you find a good spot and enjoy the opening. This whole trip is for you, Ben! Your first concert with our favorite artists. I can't have you miss a single thing!"

"For me..?" I murmured.

He nodded, his dark hair falling in front of his bright face. "For you. Don't worry about me! Now, I've got to snag some merch for us, so wait for me! You're a size small? Yeah! Sit tight and stay pretty!"

Before I could reply, he went sprinting into a line, leaving behind the cold ghost of his hands on my skin once again. Deep in my chest, I felt the need to follow him and keep his warm palms firm against my own. I don't like how bare my hands feel now. But I've got to hang tight and find a good spot for us. Have patience, Ben...!

Wait, I just realized...he called me pretty...

"H-He teases too much," I grumbled to myself, yet I felt the smile on my lips. He just jokes; I shouldn't take that kind of thing from him seriously. Yet still, I kept smiling.

Doing as Adam said, I walked ahead a bit to find a spot. As much as I'd love for us to be at the front, I didn't want to stray too far that Adam couldn't find me, but also the crowd of fans intimidated me beyond what I expected. I've seen videos of other Guns N' Roses concerts and tours, and everything at the front looks so compact and wild, but passionate and fun at the same time. If only, but I'd probably be too uncomfortable around so many people I don't know. On the other hand, I shouldn't care about that—that's something Adam would tell me. He would totally barrel into the crowd at full speed with that stupid, sweet smile of his. So stupid and sweet.

For the time being, I stood alone in a semi-clear space in the back, waiting for Adam to return to my side with all the merch he could nab. Sure enough, the lights went down and everyone in the grand building cheered. It was a sound so foreign to me, but it filled my chest with excitement. The opening band began to play and it was a catchy and lively start to what'll be the best damned concert in my life.

This felt so surreal. The feeling of the rhythm coursing through the floor, the sound of the guitars ringing through the air, the bass rumbling in my bones, in my very heart—these sensations were so wild and astounding. So loud and vibrant in my ears. It's so so loud, but I don't want to shy away.

As the band went on, I found myself tapping my foot, shaking my leg, or swaying my head along with the music. I couldn't help but close my eyes so that I could focus on the sounds pressing against my ears, filling up my head. This atmosphere is different than listening to a song through headphones or blasting a tune on high through speakers. God, this sound is...absolutely stunning. I can't wait for the main act, my childhood inspiration, my motivation to be a musician, my reason to get out of bed in the morning and just...exist. I can't wait, I can't wait!

As I stood there with my eyes still closed and my fingers flittering along to the guitar notes I recognized, I felt someone grab at my waist and I flinched. My momentary panic made way for relief as I recognized Adam in the flashing lights.

"You seem to be enjoying yourself," he hollered over the music.

"Yeah! This is fantastic!" I screamed to the point where my throat itched. Wow, talking feels weird. It's like my head can't register that I'm saying anything!

With a giant grin, Adam pulled out a shirt from a drawstring bag in his hands and he tossed it on my head. After taking it off, I unraveled it to see a white t-shirt with the Guns N' Roses famous logo and below it was the tour name. In the back was all the dates of the tour, and I spotted San Diego in the middle of the list. Wow..! After admiring it, I finally noticed that the shirt was...anything but a small.

I put it against my body and laughed when I saw the hem reach my thighs. Adam snickered as he told me, "They ran out of small sizes, so I had to settle for large. Sorry!"

"It's okay! I love it! I absolutely love it!" Then, without a second thought, I jumped forward and hugged him tight. The British teen seemed taken aback by the gesture, but then cozily wrapped his arms around my small frame not a second later.

Once I pulled away, I jumped in my spot and yelled, "I'm putting this on!"

Adam looked around. "Right now?!"

"No, dumby, I'm going to the restrooms! Hold on!" Ecstatically, I raced towards the restrooms to change into my glorious shirt. I was back out in no time in my baggy concert shirt, with my previous long-sleeve wrapped around my waist. Maybe now I won't look so lame!

I managed to find Adam again despite the many flashing, colored lights, and his smile was immediate. "My, my, look at you! Sweet lil' rocker boy."

"Hell yeah!" I screamed again, still not used to raising my voice for this environment.

After showing me all the other stuff he got (posters, a shirt for him which had Slash and 'Paradise City' on it—his favorite song—a new CD that he got only for me), he moved us forward towards the crowd. Together, we listened to the opening bands, shouting along to their choruses and jumping about. Gradually, Adam inched us along, closer and closer to the very front. Sometimes he couldn't get past people, sometimes he'd just grab me and slide me right into our new spot without a warning. Some guy almost got pissed at him, but Adam pointed down at me with a cheeky grin. One look at me and somehow the dude let us off the hook and let us pass. Is...Is it because I'm short? Is that a thing? Short people concert privileges?

We were getting close to the front when suddenly the lights dimmed down and the crowd was in an uproar. Adam shook me vigorously, beaming like a star. It took me a moment to finally realize what was happening, and I started shaking him back.

And then, echoing out from the darkness...hefty, gritty guitar notes cascading into high, clean riffs. The Godfather theme...! Adam talks about this opening all the time and it's a favorite among any fan. The lights slowly came on, and the venue was alive with cheers and praise for the one and only Slash, on stage, right there, in the flesh, right there!

I couldn't even cheer. I was in absolute awe at the incredible sight at my dearest role model of all time. I'd spend hours of my time after school in the choir room, trying to perfect his famous riffs on acoustic, rewinding tapes seconds back just to replay his notes in the air. This music brought me up when life at home was a living hell on Earth. Never did I think I'd have the opportunity to see my heroes this close. Despite all the people in front of me, raging on and putting their horns up, I still felt like I was right there on that stage. Absolutely incredible...!

As the introduction transitioned perfectly into 'Sweet Child Ol' Mine', I began to bounce on my feet and holler out my soul. In the midst of my zeal, I grabbed Adam's hand and held on tight. When I finally realized what I had done, I didn't let go, but instead squeezed harder. Adam squeezed my hand back, reciprocating the excitement and adoration.

Listening to the bands before this still couldn't prepare me for the sheer enchantment of the environment, the absolute raw emotion of wonder and disbelief surrounding me. This was nothing I could ever imagine without experiencing it. It may be silly, but being here in this place was something magical. This was real and live, and I almost felt as if I could sink into the floor and just float away, melting along to every note that enveloped the air.

Axl Rose, Duff McKagan, Slash...everyone was up there, radiating every bit of talent and profound energy. They're all right there! There was something intensely mesmerizing about watching Slash prop himself up to the very edge of the stage, shirtless, drenched in sweat, with his iconic curls grazing. I couldn't believe my eyes when he played his guitar behind his head. Like, it was behind his head—the tenacity of the man! I could even see him drool, but that didn't matter, because he was so tuned into the moment and it was god damned beautiful.

After keeping my eyes glued to the stage for the longest time, I looked up to Adam. Somehow in the lighting of the concert, his dark brown eyes brightened to a sweet, warm honey. I didn't know how that was possible, but I couldn't stop looking. One glance down and I could see that our hands were still clasped together. I finally could acknowledge our hot, clammy palms, but I couldn't bear to let go.

"Hey!" Adam called out to me. "What say we get closer?!"

Instantly, I nodded and allowed him to escort me forward into the crowd once more. It was a bit of a waiting game at first, but somehow, someway, we made it. I felt the safety bar against my stomach as I held on with Adam right behind me. One look up, and I screamed with delight seeing that the band was super close. I couldn't resist the urge and reached my hand out when Slash passed by. It was silly but it still felt amazing knowing I could be this close to a rock n' roll legend.

And then, the moment I was waiting for arrived. The crowd's cheering dwindled to a serene murmur as a piano began the intro. People started taking out their lighters and holding them in the air. I looked forward to this the most. When Guns N' Roses would play 'November Rain'. I could recognize that piano and orchestra immediately. And those drums. The flutes. Those violins. That smooth bass. The choir. All of it, everything.

"When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained...
Darling when I hold you, don't you know I feel the same?
Nothing lasts forever, and we both know hearts can change...
And it's hard to hold a candle, in the cold November Rain...!"

All around me I started hearing people sing along to each word, creating an atmosphere of profound awe. The sting of tears met my eyes as I smiled wide. The stage lights glittered beautifully above. The hype of all the songs previous didn't go away but it melded into this sense of peace and satisfaction that couldn't be replicated. This was it. This was the ultimate moment. Nothing could beat this. Nothing could take this away from me. Not dad, not any damned bullies at school, none of the abuse, none of the nights spent crying myself to sleep, none of the moments of cowering away in a corner from dad's drunken rage. All of the misery was swept away from just this moment. And even if it was temporary, it was still here.

I turned around to meet Adam's gaze and felt my heart flutter at the look in his eyes. Those honey eyes radiated gentleness, wonder, and a curious yearning. It was something I had never seen before. I didn't know how to read it or what the hell it all meant...

...until he grabbed my face and embraced my lips in a kiss.

Nothing could've prepared me for this. And yet, I didn't question it. At first, I was frozen in place, shocked out of my wits. Then, I relinquished into the warmth of his lips and grabbed at his shirt, feeling his sweat dampened chest. My lips began to quiver as tears fell from my eyes, but Adam didn't let that interrupt us for a second. My trembling hands made their way up to his collarbone, grazing his neck, caressing his jaw. One of Adam's hands traveled to the back of my head, tangling his fingers in my hair; the other hand gently squeezed and brushed my ear. Every second was as tantalizing as the last, every moment warmer and warmer than before. The melody, the chords, the bass in the air—I could feel it all surging from his lips too, echoing between us.

When Adam gently pulled away, I finally noticed just how much I was holding my breath, and inhaled deeply. Carefully, he pressed his forehead against mine and we stood there, eyes closed, with the ballad resonating all around us. I wanted so desperately to say something to him, but I knew my voice would be drowned out by the music. I wanted to ask him why. I wanted to ask him, out of all the choices he's had, why do this? Why this moment? Why me?

From then on, we shared the experience pressed tight against each other, his hot hands at my waist, my head finding comfort against his chest, the rhythms and bass reverberating through our bodies. Every once in a while, Adam would sneak in a kiss to my ear, or to my neck, or to the side of my head, and each time I could feel my heart melt more and more. My first ever concert and my first ever kiss...all together in one.

...

The rest of the concert was a wild blur of heat, jumping around, and cheering. All I felt was the adrenaline of the show the entire time, and whenever I glanced at Adam, it felt as if my heart fluttered in my chest, increasing my energy more.

Even when the concert was coming to a close, all around me I heard "encore, encore, encore." Even when there was a thrilling encore, I almost didn't want to leave my spot. After an experience like that, what the hell do you do? It feels so mundane having to go home at the end of something like this. I want to keep experiencing this sort of rush again and again. It's like a drug and I think I'm already in withdrawal. But, when I thought we would have to leave, Adam said he had another surprise for me.

"We're definitely going to get out late, but this is worth it. Come on!" With an enthusiastic air, he led me by the hand out of the venue and around to the side, where Guns N' Roses was meeting fans.

"W-Wait, are you for real?" I questioned him.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"We're really doing this? We're meeting them?"

"And autographs! Don't forget autographs! What I wouldn't give to have a solid set of tits so Axl Rose can sign them. That's it. That's all I'd want them for. Well...maybe he'd still sign my man chest. You know what, I'm asking him...!"

"Adam!"

"Sorry, I should be more considerate. Want to have your chest signed too?"

We waited outside about 45 minutes in what seemed like another sea of fans, until the band emerged from their tour bus. Everyone started buzzing about excitedly, myself included.

Although it took quite a bit, the wait was worth it when Adam and I got our chance. I grabbed the CD that Adam bought for me in the hopes that I could get it signed. Surprisingly and unsurprisingly, he really did request that Axl Rose sign his chest, and I don't think the musician minded one bit (he was probably more entertained about it than us). He actually got his man-chest signed.

While I had laughed at Adam, he suddenly shoved me ahead of him, right in front of Slash. I quit laughing immediately and just stood there, frozen. The first word that came to mind was 'majestic'. He was...so so so so cool looking—OH MY GOD ITS HIM HE'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Holy shit, I think I'm hyperventilating, where's a paper bag, where—

He spoke. "What's your name, kid?"

"I love you."

I caught Adam face-palming out of the corner of my eye, and honestly, I should too. But the guitarist wasn't uncomfortable; in fact, he laughed and smiled at me (at me!). This time, I shook my head and got my bearings. "M-My name is Ben."

"Could I see that CD?"

I fumbled with it for a moment until I finally passed it over (whoa, he touched my finger!). With a swift motion, he wrote on the front of the CD case with a cool smile on his face. When I got it back, I looked down, wide-eyed at his writing: 'To Ben, w/ ♥ -Slash'.

And along with, he had slipped his own guitar pick. I could still see how worn the tip was from his playing. Holy shit, this is...it's his pick! He gave it to me! He gave me his guitar pick!

"Th-Thank you," I stammered, dumbfounded.

"No worries. I love you too kid." Then, he ruffled my hair, and I thought I went to heaven in that split second. I didn't even bother to fix my hair after that, I left it however it was, and bore the goofiest smile on my face. Adam and I made our way out of the line and towards the parking lot. I tried my best not to squeal the highest my vocal cords could allow.

The entire walk back, I clutched the CD so tight in my hands, I thought I might crack the plastic casing (as if I had that kind of strength anyway). The guitar pick was also safe in Adam's little backpack, along with everything we had gotten. We got to the car and I waited inside while Adam put our new goodies in the trunk. He entered and took his seat at the drivers side with a grand huff. The fatigue of the concert aftermath was finally hitting us. I couldn't help but slouch in my seat, even if my seatbelt pressed against my face.

We sat and basked in the silence for a bit, and it was then that I wanted to take the chance and grab Adam's hand. Right when I was about to, he moved it so he could start the car, and I felt my face flush from the little embarrassment. Maybe he didn't see. That's fine. It's really dark out here. Now we have to check in to the hotel that he reserved and get some well-deserved rest.

I played my new CD on the car stereo, and we sang along to the album as best as we could with our shot voices from all the screaming. Curiously, I looked at Adam and was off-put by the rigid look on his face. Is there something wrong, I wondered. Did I do something? Maybe he's just super tired. He was probably the most hyper he's ever been tonight. Still, I can't help but get worried whenever he pulls a face like that. And think it had something to do with me.

We got to the hotel, and my body was ready for the sweet comfort of a shower and a nice bed. We parked and took our bags, and just walking inside was a relief. But once at the front desk, that quickly went away.

"What do you mean my reservation isn't listed?" Adam said, gaping.

The man at the front desk replied, "It's not available on here, sir."

"Huh? Check again!"

The man gave an apologetic look. "I double-checked and I don't see anything under Churchill."

"Bloody hell...," Adam muttered. Rubbing his head, he said, "Then, can we still pay for a night at least?"

"We're full up from the nearby concert, sir."

"Oh, how lovely."

"If anything, may I recommend some motels around here for you to—."

"I don't need your recommendation, thank you. C'mon Ben!" Begrudgingly, he stormed out swinging his backpack over his shoulder, and I hurried to catch up to him.

While we walked, I spoke up, "We can just go to a motel, like the guy said. That's fine, right?"

"Sure, but I picked this place for us to be cozy. Now we have to settle for some bum-shack of a motel?"

I chuckled nervously at his frustration. "Maybe it won't be so bad."

"Yeah sure."

Geez, frustrated Adam is kind of intimidating. I can see why he's so angry, but it's nothing that can't be fixed, right?

Apparently not. Some of the motels we dropped by were also pretty full from the Guns N' Roses concert. Before we knew it, all the driving around trying to find a place to crash emptied the remainder in the gas tank. To my dismay, this annoyed Adam further and he stopped at a gas station to fill up. I was left in the car to wait.

Few minutes later, the British teen comes racing back and smacks the top of the car, startling me. When he opened the drivers door, he immediately blurted, "My fuckin card is declined!"

I blinked. "What? How?"

"I don't know! I thought I had plenty of money, I saved it all for this trip!"

"What will we do for gas now?"

"I still have cash so I can use some of that. It was only going to be for food, though. And I doubt what I have left over will be enough for a motel, too! Fuckin' bollocks!"

"H-Hey, take it easy. We can figure things out—." While I reached a hand out for his, he abruptly retreated and slammed the drivers door. Stumped, I dropped my hand and sunk into my seat. Well, this is a predicament...

After the tank was full up, Adam started driving. To where, I had no idea. We don't have enough money for a motel, and it's probably best to save the rest for food tomorrow. After staring out at the darkness for 15 minutes, I finally asked, "Where are we going?"

"I don't know," he groaned.

"Well, don't waste the gas we just got. Stop somewhere."

"Where?"

"I-I don't know."

"Then?"

I furrowed my brow. "Why are you getting mad at me?"

"I'm not getting mad!" he responded, his tone raised.

"Adam."

"Don't scold me like that..."

"I wouldn't be scolding you if you weren't getting unfairly angry with me. I didn't do anything."

"I never said you did."

"Adam, please."

"Look, just...give me a minute. I'll find a place to stop."

"Thanks..." With that, the car had gone silent. We didn't even play any music this time. I left Adam to fume on his own, and I hoped it was for the best.

Finally, he parked the car off the side of some old train tracks and cut the engine. With a harrumph, Adam threw himself back against his seat and rubbed his face. Looking out the window at the dimly moonlit grass, I said, "We can just sleep in the car. That's okay, right?"

He sighed into his palms before letting his hands fall into his lap. "Yeah, sure. Not like we can do anything else."

Irritably, he moved the back of his seat down and laid there, eyes closed.

"You're going to sleep already?" I queried, "You're not even going to change?"

"It doesn't matter. I'm so tired, I'll take anything at this point. Preferably a shower, but alas, there's none to be found. Why? Because all the damned motels were taken. Why? Because some fuckin nob didn't record my hotel reservation that I double checked on before the trip! So with all that, I don't really care to change."

I stared at Adam for a moment as he laid there, eyes closed with a scowl on his face. I took it upon myself to reach in the back for his bag. He propped himself up and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Getting your pajamas. You brought them, didn't you?"

He frowned. "I don't want my pajamas. Just leave it, Ben."

"You need to change, you'll be more comfy."

"I said, leave it," he repeated himself more firmly, and tugged on his bag. The both of us stared at the other, holding the bag between us. Although I was unnerved by his irritable glare, I kept my frown.

When it was apparent that he wouldn't give in, I let go of the bag and grabbed my own. While I searched for my pajamas, I said, "I understand you're upset about the whole hotel thing, but that doesn't give you a reason to be a dick to me. You can go ahead and sit there angry, but I'm changing and going to sleep. It was a long day, and the concert was fun. Would've been preferable if you didn't end it so rudely, but so be it."

"Ben...," Adam said with a sigh.

"Get out of the car so I can change."

"Huh? But—."

"Get out," I commanded louder.

Hesitantly, Adam did as I said and sluggishly exited the car. As he leaned on the door, facing the dark beyond, I changed into my pajamas and took my spot in the backseat. When Adam came back into the car, I was already getting settled with my blanket, facing the seat. I think Adam went ahead and also changed into his PJs soon after, and made his spot on the passenger seat, reclining it just enough. Then, it was silent.

Although my body was exhausted from the concert, my mind was wide awake. Adam got the most upset I've seen him in a long time, but he seemed irritated even before the whole hotel thing. I couldn't help but wonder what was wrong. Of course, I thought I was somehow to blame, despite that I knew better.

I turned myself around to look at Adam in the front. His eyes were closed but his brows were furrowed, meaning he definitely wasn't asleep. I also noticed that he didn't bring his own blanket (we were supposed to crash at a hotel after all). Quietly, I sat up and tried to lay out my blanket over him. He opened his eyes and looked up at me. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"What does it look like?" I remarked.

"It's your blanket, you should use it," he argued gently.

"I'll be okay."

"Ben..."

As soon as I sat back down, he had balled it up and tossed it into my face. I couldn't help but gape at him.

"I'm being nice," I grumbled.

"So am I," he quipped back.

"Take the damn blanket, hot-head," I commanded.

"No, you."

"That's not a valid comeback."

"Screw validity."

"Adam."

The both of us held the blanket in place between us. With stern eyes he said, "I won't have my Benjamin go cold tonight."

I froze, going wide-eyed. "M-My...?"

Then there it was: that charming, iconic Adam smile. Even in this dim night, it felt so radiant. And somehow it pissed me off.

Yanking my blanket away, I grumbled, "Now you decide to be flirty? What's with your mood?"

He cocked an eyebrow. "What are you frazzled with me for?"

"You think you can just charm your way out of crap, huh?"

"Well, that is my specialty."

I crossed my arms. "Where the hell was this earlier, then?"

With a sigh, the British teen said, "I'm sorry about my frustration over the hotel mishap. I was being a twat, really. I shouldn't have—."

"Not that," I interjected, glaring off to the side.

"Huh?"

Clutching the blanket in my hands, I hesitantly grumbled, "I...I kept trying to hold your hand...to do something...but you always pulled away. I wanted to hold you again, but you ignored me. Especially after..."

A thought came to mind, and although it churned my stomach, I ended up blurting it out anyway. "Did you just kiss me like that for the hell of it, or what? Heat of the moment got you? Concert adrenaline? Is that your specialty too, kissing someone and not following up? All your teasing too, is it just a game to you?"

"Ben, hold on—."

"That was my first kiss, asshole!" I piped up. "You took my first kiss and you're not even going to follow through! Jerk!"

"I-I didn't mean to..!"

"To kiss me?" I grumbled.

"N-No! I mean, yes! Well, sort of, but—."

A small gasp escaped my lips and I scowled. "Did you mean it at all?"

"I did!"

"Then how come it doesn't feel like it now?"

He laughed nervously. "Well, you're yelling at me for one—."

"Forget it!" With a harrumph, I hid away under the blanket and turned my back.

"C'mon, Ben," Adam tried to coax.

"No, leave me alone," I murmured.

He sighed with a chuckle. "Hard to take you seriously when you're just a cute ball."

A blush burned my cheeks. "Sh-Shut up! Stop teasing! I won't take it anymore!"

It got quiet in the car and I wondered for a few moments if Adam had actually heeded my words and went back to bed. I knew I was wrong once he let out a dry laugh and said softly, "I guess I sort of deserve you yelling at me, the idiot I am."

Still underneath the blanket, I remained silent and listened to him go on. "You caught on rather easily. Maybe that's just how bad I am at keeping emotions in. Honestly...I did mean to kiss you. With everything I had. It all felt so right then. But after...I thought maybe I shouldn't have. That I had ruined something so special between us and there'd be no way to get it back. I...was scared that after all this was done, you'd fade away from my life from the awkwardness. Or worse, go along with it without actually feeling the same. Thinking about it too much put me in a dour mood, and then the hotel shit happened, and...ugh!"

I could feel him berating himself from here. It hurt to feel such insecurity diffuse from him, someone who is always so sure of himself and daring for anything. I couldn't help but frown.

"You are an idiot," I grumbled, still hiding myself away. Shutting my eyes, I kept chiding him, "All your flirting, all the things you do for me, all the times we laugh together, and you thought I'd abandon you? Of course not! I thought you'd leave me! You're stupid. I-I'm stupid too. But you even more so! God, you're so moronic, it's unbelievable! Absolute meathead! You—."

Suddenly, I felt the backseat shift a bit as he climbed over the front and loomed over me. I could hear the smile on his face as he said, "I get it, you tiny fool. You like me too."

My face was flush with pink. "I—Go away!"

I felt him tucking the blanket beneath my body, like a burrito, and he commented, "You realize this only made it easier to trap you."

"T-Trap me? For what?" I whined.

Next, Adam carefully revealed my head and dug his face against my neck. With a gasp, I started wiggling around, but he was right—being wrapped up in my blanket did make it easier for him to hold me still. I felt his chest against my back as he pressed down on me, snuggling his face into my neck more and more, taking his lips to my skin.

"H-Hey! Knock it off!" I muttered.

His gentle fingers brushed my hair back as he whispered in my ear, "Isn't this what you wanted? More of me?"

The blush on my face was a blazing inferno now. It felt like my mouth instantly dried up as I tried to stammer, "I-I mean..."

Then, he grabbed my chin and pulled my head back. It was just enough for him to lean forward and steal a kiss from my trembling lips once again. I closed my eyes as I felt my body relax underneath him, sparks flying over my skin every time Adam nipped at my lips or licked at the corners of my mouth. I didn't know how to do any of that back. My second kiss and he's already making me feel a mess of emotions I can hardly begin to detangle.

Carefully, he turned me over onto my back and clasped my hands in his. It took me a second to realize our position and I turned away from him, trying not to let the way he sat between my legs mean anything. But the more he pressed forward, the harder it was to ignore.

With his lips against my cheek, he taunted, "Where did all your spice go, Benny baby? You were so fired up and now? You know I adore when you're brassy. Should I rile you up somehow?"

My chest was tightening with anticipation. "A...Adam..."

"Then again," he sighed, "I do love when you babble like that, so innocent and soft. Whatever will I do? You're absolutely adorable no matter what."

Tenderly, he brushed my hair back and said, "Maybe we should find out how you'll get using a more intimate method."

Adam's hand swept up my head with ease as he pulled me in for another kiss. I couldn't help but caress the sides of his face, pulling him in closer, feeling just how warm his skin was now. My heart was pounding in my chest again, to the point I could feel it ringing in my ears. I somehow felt dizzy just laying here in Adam's car. All the frustration I held in earlier was slowly melting away with every move of his lips against mine. There's no way this is real, yet I couldn't bear the thought that it wasn't.

Adam picked up my shirt with nimble fingers and pressed his warm palms against my stomach, sides, chest. Every centimeter he touched tingled like I'd never felt before and I couldn't help but curl my toes. Hesitantly, he pulled his kiss away and started grazing his lips against my chest. It took one lick against my pale skin to make me cover my face. "D-Don't do that!" I blabbered. "You're so embarrassing..."

"Ben," he called, "come now, don't hide your face. I want to see all of your expressions."

I dared to take a peek through shaky fingers and was in awe at the dreamy, sultry look on Adam's bewitching face. It took me a second to catch my breath again. He was so very handsome—too handsome for a measly little thing like me. What did I do to deserve this? Why me?

As soon as I lowered my hands, Adam gave me the sweetest smile and purred, "That's better. Don't hide from me, love."

"O...Okay...," I murmured.

Again, he continued trailing his soft kisses on my chest and stomach, and I couldn't help closing my eyes. I felt his fingers slide all over my skin ever so delicately, like he was playing an instrument. It all felt so nice and I didn't know what to do with this sensation burning deep in my body.

All of a sudden, I felt a dark pit open in my gut once Adam undid the drawstring of my pajama pants and slid them off. I looked up at him and barely mumbled, "Wh...What are you doing...?"

He met my eyes and replied, "Getting you more comfortable. Is that alright?"

Although the ugly feeling in my belly didn't agree, I convinced myself to try to ignore it, and I said, "It's okay. P-Please be careful..."

"Of course." He continued to pull at my pants until they were hugging my knees. Now the ugly feeling was worsening, but I didn't want to upset Adam and ruin this moment.

The way he caressed my thighs and hips should've felt wonderful if not for this anxiety that was building up. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to enjoy this experience like a normal person. I wanted to finally live without ruining something so precious. But as Adam snagged a finger onto the elastic of my underwear, this monstrosity of sickness rushed into me, reminding me of—

How he forced me to undress. How he made me sit there with nothing but mortification. How he hurt me over and over, burning cigarettes on my thighs before he had his way. I was only 10. He was drunk. I didn't know any better; I was terrified. Everything hurt. Again and again and again, it was all just pain and tears. Again when I was 12. Again when I was 15. Once was enough, but he never left well enough alone. Always thriving off of my body one way or another; to give me pain or him, pleasure. I was stupid to have ever thought it would only be once. I was stupid to have thought I could ever suppress those horrid moments from my memory. The ghosts of trauma always come back to haunt.

Heart racing, skin tingling with terror, I shielded my head with my arms and screamed, "Stop it, dad, don't touch me anymore!!!"

It seemed like the whole world had frozen and sucked up all the oxygen. I stared at the backs of my hands, horrified by the words that came out of my mouth, but horrified even more at the thought of what lay beyond my hands. I didn't want to look. I didn't want to see Adam's sweet face after what I admitted.

I heard his voice, so quiet and fragile. "Wh...What did you say?" I can feel him looking at me. Stop, please. My heart can't take it.

Again, Adam spoke up, "Ben, why did you...? 'Dad'...? Why..." Please, if there is a god, just make me disappear. I can't take this. Make him stop looking at me. Make him forget me.

And again, this time with sting and malice in his tone, "What the hell does your father do to you...?!"

That was it. I couldn't bear this atmosphere. Frantically, I sat up and pulled my pants back up. My body was frigid as I shut my eyes tight so the tears wouldn't escape. I tried to clench my jaw, hoping my lips would stop trembling. And if I squeezed my fists any tighter, my nails might puncture my skin.

At the last second, I released a sob before opening the car door to escape. Adam caught my wrist and tried to pull me back, begging me, "Wait! Ben, don't leave!"

With as much strength as I could muster, I yanked my arm out of his grasp and fled outside. Even in fresh air, I couldn't catch a breath; my lungs felt like they were shriveling up.

I didn't have a place in mind, or anything in mind but humiliation and distress. I just wanted to run, even if pebbles and rocks scraped up my feet, even if I couldn't see a damned thing ahead of me in this cold night. I think I was running along the train tracks? There wasn't a bone in my body that was fearful of what could be out here. I just couldn't bear to face what I left behind. And then, with one more aimless step, I felt some dirt give out underneath me and my knee buckled. In an instant, I went tumbling down some sort of grassy bank and straight into...water?

How did we not see there was a lake beside the tracks? Why isn't there a fence of some sort? Why did it have to be so cold? All of these thoughts swarmed my brain instead of worrying about swimming up to the surface. Truth be told, I didn't really want to swim up. I couldn't feel anything around me but the freezing bite of the water all over my skin. It almost felt nice being so weightless and numb. It reminded me of those moments I'd submerge myself in the bathtub, watching the water ripple above me, feeling the pain in my chest build up until I couldn't take it anymore. In those moments, I'd wonder...if I fought through the pain, would anything be done when dad found my body? No, he wouldn't give a shit. Who would?

Oh yeah, Miss Goodwin. Ever since meeting her, she's been the best teacher I've ever had. She always listened to my minor troubles, encouraged me to try new things and be more confident. I'm sure she'd be sad if she found out. But she'd go on just fine. She's very pretty and talented. Got a lot more ahead of her than I ever would.

And I met Adam. Some random kid from detention who is a little too blunt and straightforward about the dumbest things. Who really likes video games, and music, and absolutely adores his baby Hopper. Despite what he said that time ago about him being a jerk with nothing to offer, I know he's got amazing potential. He can be anything he damned wants, and I know he'd succeed. Adam, my first real friend. Adam, my first chance at love. Adam, who probably could go on just fine, if I stayed down here in this lake and fought through the ache in my lungs, like I could never do in that old bathtub back at home.

Above, I could faintly see moonlight peek out through the rippling water on the surface. It was a haunting sight to see, but beautiful. I opened my mouth again and felt all the water rush in, and my throat hurt as it filled up whatever space was left. My body was heavier now. This actually might be it. I could end all the bullshit here, finally, with the memory of a great night to send me off. This doesn't really feel so scary any more...

Before my vision blurred completely, I saw the image of the moon swell wildly, like something fell in. Suddenly, I caught hands flailing erratically in the water around me until they finally bumped into my body. With a strength that would surely leave a bruise, the hands clamped onto my arm and dragged me upward.

And suddenly, air hit my face and reignited the cold all over me. With another burst of vigor, I was pulled across the surface and tossed against the grassy lake bank, where I spit up all the water I had inhaled. Beside me was none other than Adam, who was hunched over himself, panting heavily. After I was done coughing up every droplet left, I fell against the grass and stared up at the moon once again. It still looked pretty from here too.

After regaining his bearings, Adam shifted onto his side and huffed, "I...I almost couldn't find you...in there... Thank god you're okay...!"

"Why," I murmured, barely even able to hear myself.

He cocked his head to the side. "Huh?"

Clenching my soaked shirt in my hand, I added on, "Why...Why would you risk it?"

I saw his body go still out of the corner of my eye and his gaze bore into me. "What do you mean?"

A bitter smile tugged at my lips as I croaked, "You should've left me down there, you fucking idiot."

With how silent it got, I wondered if the world out there really did stop moving a long time ago.

Unexpectedly, Adam got on top of me and pulled at the collar of my shirt. With a fire in his eyes I had never seen, he bellowed, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!"

"Exactly what it means, dipshit."

Hurt lining his features, he grit his teeth and went on, "Look me in the eyes and say it! Say what it means since I'm such a dumbass! Look at me, Ben. Look at me!"

I couldn't. I didn't want to. Not anymore. Not after seeing that light in his radiant, brown eyes. Not even as he shook me and begged me again and again. I couldn't. I wouldn't.

Adam's fervent shaking grew weaker and weaker, and the way he called my name hushed to a feeble whisper. Until...

"Ben, please look at me...!" he bawled as tears overtook him. His fists rested on my chest as he cried out, "Tell me what's wrong, doesn't matter what! I'll listen, I swear it, I'll listen! I'll do whatever it takes, everything that it takes—just as long as you don't leave me!"

I finally looked up at him, only to see him shutting his eyes to stop his own tears. "Stay with me, please," he pleaded with sadness in his voice. "I can't lose you. I told you I would show you the coolest cities! D-Don't you remember?! I promised you! I'll show you the whole world! Please, please, please, don't leave...!"

Despite the bitter cold that surrounded us, his hands on my chest still maintained the sweetest warmth. He cried and cried, like the sun burnt out, like the world was about to end, like the universe was about to collapse. All that sobbing and weeping, for me, because of me. I couldn't believe how much I had broken his loving heart in a meager instant.

With a shivering hand, I reached up and held his face. Hot tears trickled through my fingers and down my wrist. Adam laid his saddened eyes on me and pressed my hand against his face more, as if to lock me against him forever. Seeing him this way, I was overcome with sickening regret.

"I'm sorry," I whimpered, feeling my own tears sting my eyes. As my own sobbing wracked my chest, I pulled Adam into my arms and he grasped onto me so hard it hurt. But nothing could make me let go of him, nothing could keep me from crying into his arms as he did in mine, nothing could make my heart beat more than being with him, even in this perilous moment. I can't let go now. I...I can't leave him...!

And even as our bones ached from the freezing cold and we shivered beyond compare, I couldn't bear to go without holding him for a second. I listened to his warbled cries to remind me of what I wouldn't have anymore if I had let the depths take me.

...

It was safe to say that our clothes were ruined for the night. Soaked and freezing to the touch, we had no choice but to leave them to dry out throughout the night unless we wanted hypothermia, or at least some nasty colds. But that also meant that we really didn't have any other clothes...

"Well," Adam drawled, "I didn't foresee myself tonight being bare-arsed naked out in the middle of nowhere, but hey, adventure...!"

"S-Sorry," I stammered, looking away from him as he was outside, wrenching out all the water from our clothes. I sat inside the car, on the backseat again, wrapped in my blanket, trying my best not to look outside. Don't look outside, Ben. God, do not look...!

I heard Adam plop some clothes onto the hood so they dry out by morning, and that seemed to be it. Then, he groaned and hissed, "Bollocks, it's freezing! Agh!"

"G-Get inside already!" I said out the open car door, trying not to glance at him, even though I did, and thank god the lower half of the door blocked his lower half, jesus chri—

"Don't suppose you'd like to huddle up like penguins?" he jested as he started coming around the door, and I quickly flipped myself around so I couldn't look. He seemed to notice my efforts and chirped, "Oh, relax! It's the same thing down there."

"But it's your thing!" I squeaked.

"Is that good or bad?"

"Both!"

He gave a bemused chuckle that warmed me up just hearing. All of a sudden, I felt him rush inside the car, shut the door, then duck into the blanket. I screamed, yanked the blanket back onto me, and squeezed myself against the other side of the car.

"Oh, come on," he grumbled. "Now you don't want to give me your blanket?"

"W-We're naked!"

"And?"

"Th-That's weird!"

"What's weirder is you not wanting to completely eye-fondle me right now. You know, I'm insulted you don't want to look. My body is a holy temple and it deserves its due respect."

A blush crawled up my face. "Y-Yes, I agree, b-but maybe now isn't the best time—."

Without warning, Adam yanked the blanket off my back, and I yelped once again. I didn't want to turn around now. He completely got me!

So, with shut eyes, I curled up and remained in my spot with my back to him. Then, I felt him touch my shoulder and naturally flinched upon contact. But he didn't grab me or anything. Instead, he just brushed the tips of his fingers across my skin to the center of my back, between my shoulder blades. God, I wonder how weak my body looks to him. It's so easy for him to press against my spine. I really don't want him to look at my ugly body, although I had a feeling that wasn't his focus right now.

I felt him go over the spots where I remembered there being marks from dad's drunken and sober rage. The tiny leftover scratches of beer-bottles being broken against my back. Really old cigarette burns. Everything was there. Every terrifying moment embedded into my frail skin, like a fucked up canvas.

From the stillness in the car, Adam spoke up softly, "How many are there...?"

Hesitantly, I murmured, "I can't remember."

I could feel Adam boiling with anger now. As much as I didn't want to admit it, he has every right to. I've always been so anxious about anyone seeing all the bruises and scars dad has given me over the years. It was never because dad manipulated me not to confess. I always knew better and wanted to tell everyone everything so many times. It wasn't his words that scared me; I was scared nothing would be done, and I'd be left looking like a boy who cried wolf, while the wolf dragged me back to its den to punish me for telling a single soul. Knowing Adam was bearing witness to these marks, I couldn't help but feel nervous, waiting to hear the wolf growl from somewhere nearby.

I was gently startled when I felt Adam lean his head against my back. There was a sense of peace and understanding in the way he pressed his warm face against my cold skin. And in that moment, I knew he wanted to hug me tight, like earlier on that lake bank. He didn't though, and I figured it was because he didn't want to make me uncomfortable in my vulnerable state.

Adam leaned away from me and stated firmly, "When we get back to town, you're staying at home with me."

That shocked me more than anything else this entire trip. Without a care now, I turned to look at him and blurted, "Adam, you can't!"

"Why not?"

"B-Because he..." I faltered and cast my gaze to the side.

The British boy shook his head and replied, "I don't give a shit about that cunt—I am not bringing you back to him."

"You'll get in so much trouble," I said.

"Ben," he added strongly, "he is an abuser. He is abusing you. If anyone is deserving of far more than trouble, it's him and anybody like him. If it were up to me, I'd kill him myself. I should."

"Adam," I gasped and placed my gaze on him again.

With a frown, he sighed and said, "Keeping you safe is far more important than that, though."

With a firm but tender grip, he held my hands and went on, "I'll take care of you from now on. I can take you to school like normal. I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind. Hopper would love having you around too. A-And I'll feed you! I can even get better at cooking for you, I swear!"

As he listed off all of the things he could do for me, I stared into his bright, honey eyes, watching them shine as he said more and more. My heart swelled with gratitude and relief. How am I deserving of someone as wondrous as him?

"And-And we can stay up all night, and play all my games, and—." His zealous ranting was cut off as I took his lips against mine and grabbed the back of his neck. Even now, this didn't feel like enough to show how much my heart ached with love. I wanted to kiss him for longer, harder, more fervently, more freely. And I bet even if I did that, it still wouldn't feel like enough to portray all these emotions brewing inside me.

The both of us gasped for air once we pulled away, and it took everything in me not to drag him back in. Caressing my thumbs against his ears, I brushed my nose against his and confessed, "I love you."

His eyes went wide and he had to back up for a moment to process my words. I've never seen him be the one so flustered. "Y-You do? R-Really? Ah, s-sorry, I mean—I-I-I..."

Once again, tears welled in his eyes and he aggressively rubbed them. That didn't seem to help much as he kept crying after that. He tried to turn away but I just held his face and watched him peacefully. Finally, he mustered up his voice and said, "I love you, too."

I managed a giggle (something I haven't done all night) as I cradled his head against my shoulder and just held him. He wrapped his arms around my waist to embrace me in return, and it seemed like the freezing cold wasn't much of a problem anymore.

"You're just as much of a crybaby as I am," I joked lightheartedly.

"Am not," Adam groaned with a sniffle.

"Yeah, yeah."

"Shut up, you're naked."

My eyes went wide at the reminder and I held back another scream. "Ignore that or else I'm not going to hug you for the rest of the night."

Adam squeezed me tighter and quipped, "Naked boy."

"Stop it!"

"Naked Benny-boo."

"You're naked too!"

"But you're Ben, so it's funnier."

"I—what is this?!"

"You're the cutest when you're frazzled. And naked."

"STOP."

From then on we shared the blanket (with as much modesty as one can have in this situation) and tried our best to sleep. Tried, because Adam kept giving me kisses, even with his eyes closed. There was not a bone in my body that was annoyed with it though. I couldn't stop smiling with every kiss, every cuddle, and every whispered promise he made to take me on adventures.

"All the sights, and experiences, and laughs, and memories to be made. You deserve all of that, Ben. Happiness."

And finally, I agreed and didn't question. For the first time in my life, I finally believed I was deserving of love and happiness and peace and so much more than what I have been given.

I deserve freedom.

...

You did. You deserved freedom, Ben. But you never got it. You never got those moments of serenity and adoration, those unbearably sweet memories and ridiculous ventures. What you got wasn't freedom.

I know this isn't it. I know I have more to listen to. And I'm afraid of what it is. Knowing the abyss that is your pain and misery, I'm absolutely terrified.

Because I know what comes next, is the end.

But I will listen to you.

I'll give you your freedom.