Mechanical. Robotic.

This is how I've been feeling recently.

Right after my mom had told that my dad had been in an accident on his way home from airport, every other thought in my brain flew out of the window with only one thing left on my mind.

MY FATHER.

I asked her what happened and she had explained that a drunk truck driver had driven into the wrong lane and had crashed into the cab in which my dad was sitting, probably thinking how he was going to spend his time with us once he returns home.

With no fucking idea about what fate had in store for him.

Nikhil had taken me to a chair and explained their actual plan of how he was going to bring me back home once my mom had given him the go after my dad had come home—of how they were going to give me a happy surprise.

Happy surprise, my ass.

The doctor had come out and that grave little shake of his head was enough for my mom to end up like a mess on the waiting room floor while me...

Well, I picked up my mom from her position to avoid a wave of those back pains she gets but then,

I went into auto-pilot.

Just a long black empty void of acceptance. Acceptance that I was never going to have my dad around me for a long time—even when he was alive, he was far, far away from me—and now that he's gone, he's just...gone.

Not a single tear spilled from my eyes nor did a single word come out of my mouth, because I was afraid that maybe all these years of not crying would catch up now and make me explode or something and I sure as hell know that my mom doesn't want to see me so broken.

But in all these turmoil, I did experience a feeling.

A hopeful surprise.

In the funeral I had stood in the sidelines, almost invisible and only few of the funeral attendees had even noticed me, which was because they had searched for me.

Mia, Ved, Harsh and Darsh and some of my relatives.

And Nikhil had never left my side, but he never forced me to talk and neither did he.

He simply was there for me.

The surprise...Shaina had looked for me.

Unlike others who said they were sorry or hugged me and sobbed, she took my hands—her face devoid of any expression—and gave a gentle squeeze full of emotions, completely betraying her face.

I don't know why but a tiny hope had bloomed then that maybe, just maybe, we might get along.

It's been almost a month after my dad's death and I had started to try to get accustomed to the fact that the person who had been my first ever hero is no more.

He who crawled with me when I did the same, walked with me and stood by me to catch me if I fell, made me go and fall from a bicycle without training wheels and yet taught me to endure the pains, taught me to swim, lift weights without breaking my spine, take things apart and still fix them back is the one who has now taught me how to bear the pain of losing a loved one.

No one talks like they did before. Just because of the fact that I never cried in my dad's funeral, everyone keeps tiptoeing around me as if I might break down anytime.

Thing is, I don't care. I don't care if I break except for if I break in front of my mom. I know how that would take a toll on her and that's the only thing that keeps me running.

She has been feeding me fake smiles and all in the morning but when I come back home from school, her red eyes are enough indication for me.

Also, after my father's death I had stopped hoping in Nikhil and my relationship lasting for a long time too. I've learned to not hope and the way Shai— DQ is ignoring me now after I sent her a brief wave just affirms my beliefs.

"Why are you suddenly entering friendly territories with her?" Mia accuses me.

"Jealous?" I ask.

"Yes. Now back to my question." She replies with a no-nonsense look.

"I...I don't know, I just thought that...never mind. What's the time for us to be in school?" I ask.

Mia, the twins and I—the Saturday slot students—are sitting together around a table in the biology lab while DQ and the others who'll be taking up the Friday slot are sitting two tables away from ours.

"Are you sure you wanna come to this after..." Harsh trails away. After your dad's death.

All the memories come flashing back and however hard I try, they don't simmer.

"Yes she will. Shut your piehole!" Mia snaps and looks at me wearily.

"I'm fine, I'll come. Just tell me the reporting time." I say, "Plus, I need those marks." I finish with a mechanical smile.

Now we have to be more careful because our family had lost a source of income and even though we had received some amount through insurance, times are getting hard...and my mom—or I—don't want to bother our family more than we already have.

"Welp, it's on Saturday as you know and it'll be starting by 8:30 a.m. So we have to be there by 7:45 a.m.—8:00 a.m. tops—and we could set everything up before people start coming." Darsh says.

"Cool. Then, I'll be there."

We finalize the timings and ditch the rest of the classes, obviously in the name of our presentation—of course we were very, very disciplined students, according to our teachers.

Lunch came and went which I had spent it with Mia, the twins and Nikhil.

Nikki had become more touchy-feely and caring but not that I'm complaining. He hung out in my home with me when I was alone because he knew. He knew that if I was alone and idle I'd start overthinking everything and that would definitely lead to somewhere unfortunate.

Ved had apologized for what he did that day and stopped being friends with his regular group after how they had spiked his drink and all—during a group-study session it seems. Ved promised that he would try and be a good friend and so far he hasn't given me a reason to regret giving him a chance.

"You wanna go out today?" Nikhil asks as we walk towards the school buses after school has ended.

"No. I gotta study, sorry. I...know I haven't been a good girlfriend and all so I'm sor—"

"Whoa whoa. Ritu stop, I understand okay? You don't have to spell out everything to me." Nikhil chides.

How the fuck did I get a best friend and a boyfriend like him?

Getting on my tiptoes, I peck his lips and mutter, "Thank you."

Tucking me to his side, he walks with me to my bus.

Bidding him farewell, we part ways and I head to my bus.

Upon reaching home, I go in and search for my mom whom I find in her and dad's room.

She is sleeping, looking so peaceful and after a long time, I don't find any trace of tears at all.

One thing I regret is the fact that I never told my dad goodbye or that I love him.

The last conversation which we had over the phone ended with me playfully saying 'Pa, you're so dumb' and a giggle after which we had hung up.

Sighing, I go back to my room and throw my bags away. Shedding my clothes, I shower and get dressed—in casual attire as always.

Sinking on the bed, I simply close my eyes and think.

What now?

What about my future? What happens after this?

Not that I don't have a future, just that I don't have one with my father.

Now, all that my mom has is me. I mean she has her parents, siblings, etcetera, but in a closer way, she's got me.

We still haven't talked about dad though. We offer each other half-hearted smiles, but we never got a closure.

Nevertheless I'll try to do everything I can to make her happy, though I know it's going to be hard for her now, I'll try with every fiber in my being.

That thought brought a new resolve within me. No matter what happens, I'll help to keep our family standing. I'll study well, get that scholarship and try to save every fucking penny I can.

I'll start working and give my mom the whole-ass world if she wants because whatever I do, how much ever I do, it would never be enough to repay for what she had sacrificed for me while bringing me up.

Try passing tenth grade first.

Yes. One step at a time.

After a quick nap for an hour, I have some snack and start studying.

Time flies by and before I even know it, dinner time arrives.

I go to the kitchen to see my mom working, prancing around the kitchen as she cleans the kitchen while the food is cooking on the stove.

Clearing my throat, I lean on the doorway and ask my mom, "Need some help?"

Spinning around, my mom looks at me with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes as she asks, "It's a nice weather isn't it?"

That almost brought a genuine smile on my face before fading away.

"Seriously Ma? Weather talk?"

"You seem to want to ignore the elephant in the room." She said with a shrug.

An awkward-as-hell silence settled and my eyes kept roaming around the kitchen, anywhere but my mom.

"Vicky, you know we have to talk about this sooner or later—"

"And I choose later. As late as 'later' can be." I interrupt her.

"This isn't easy for me either. We have to talk about it, we owe it to us—to your Pa—we have to Vicky." She finishes with a heavy sigh, her lower lip trembling.

"Ma just sit down first." I lead her to the couch after switching the stove off.

"I worry about you. You haven't cried since your dad...since he—"

"Since he died." I finish monotonously, while my insides are clawing at me, wanting to let out a guttural scream.

Swallowing, she nods as she looks up to meet my eyes.

"You know you can talk to me right?"

I nod and look away from her intense eyes.

Sighing I point my thumb towards the kitchen.

"I'll go and um...get the food."

I stand up to walk away before warm fingers wrap around my wrists.

My mom pulls me back to the couch, forcing me to sit.

Looking into my eyes, the ones that I got from my dad, she lets her guard down, the vulnerability in her eyes piercing through my heart.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

More of this look and I won't hold any longer.

The tears already start blurring my eyes, but I keep my eyes wide open for some time and blink rapidly now and then to stop the tears from falling out.

Just when my tears almost dry away, my mom opens her mouth.

"I miss him Vicky; I miss him so very much. It hurts a lot."

And for the first time in a very long time, a tear slips from my eyes.

Then, and there—right there—I curl into my mom's lap as the endless sobs keep coming from me while my mom strokes my hair whispering 'let it out' and 'it's gonna be okay, we'll be okay' repeatedly and few of her stray traitor tears occasionally fall on my temple, which she keeps wiping away.

This is us.

A mother trying to be her daughter's rock and her daughter wanting to be her mother's rock but actually, they're just two emotionally wounded human beings.

A/N: Thoughts? Vote and comment, please and thank you!