I've been trying to keep things casual, but Penny clearly doesn't know the meaning of the word. She's been avoiding me like a cat avoids a snake. Let me tell you, it's not a good feeling. I simply told her how I felt. It's not like I'm going to attack her and demand she return my feelings. I'm not a complete jerk. I can handle rejection. I just can't handle my friend ignoring me. And that's what she is first and foremost... a friend.

I find her at lunch on Tuesday and convince her to stay back and talk to me for a few minutes after school. She's reluctant at first but finally agrees. Now, as I wait for her to arrive, I try to put my thoughts together. It's like I've completely forgotten my purpose for wanting to talk to her. Is it to express my annoyance? Is it to calmly hash out how I'm feeling? Is it to tell her to just forget it all so we can move on? I just don't know anymore.

I see her the moment she rounds the corner. She's wearing a hood when she approaches, and I get the sense that she's trying to hide herself. Is she honestly that embarrassed to be seen alone with me? Or does she just not want anyone getting any crazy ideas about us?

Either way, it stings a little.

"Hey," I say, my voice flat. I can't say I'm too happy with how things have played out. She's making this a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be.

"Hi." Her voice is quiet—hesitant.

I scratch the side of my head through my beanie and then adjust the hat before glancing at Penny again. She's already watching me, expression neutral.

"This is crazy," I finally say, kicking at a stone on the ground. We've decided to meet along the west wall of the high school; it has the least activity, so we're less likely to be noticed. I lean my back against the wall and shove my hands into the center pocket of my hoodie. "I never imagined that confessing my feelings would land us in such an uncomfortable situation," I explain. "Listen, I'm not mad that you don't feel the same way. I'm just mad that you've made this so wei—"

And then she kisses me.

I have no idea what to do. My hands are still in my sweater—frozen. It takes about three seconds for my brain to actually register what is happening and then suddenly, everything clicks into place. My hands slip from their cocoon of warmth to slide around her waist, pulling her closer. She doesn't fight me and that gives me courage. I deepen the kiss, but keep the rhythm relaxed. I'm careful to kiss her with as much affection as I can muster. I want her to feel cherished, not ravished.

But apparently, that isn't the right move either because just as my brain is turning into a bowl of slushy passion, she pulls away.

"Oh crap," she mutters to herself, her voice airy and uncontrolled. "Oh, crap." Her eyes find mine—desperate, guilty, scared. "That should not have happened."

"Then why did it?" I ask, rubbing a hand down my face in mild irritation as I fight to regain my own composure.

"I don't know." There's a slight wobble in her words and I know she's feeling abnormally shaken by what's just happened.

"You don't know?" The question leaves my lips a tad sharper than I intended. I'm frustrated. "Look." I breathe out a heavy sigh, hoping to reign in my temper. "It's fine. I get it. You tested me out and found me lacking. Not a big deal. I'll get over it, okay"

"No!" she's quick to respond, her hand grabbing my bicep in her attempt to convince me of her honesty. I slide my gaze down towards her petite fingers grasping my shirt, and watch as she tentatively drops it back to her side. "That's not it," she clarifies, her eyes looking anywhere but at mine. "I just... Clarice likes you. She really likes you. And I told her I'd, you know, try and get you two together—"

"Playing matchmaker?"

"—I just wasn't expecting to..." she trails off, her blue eyes lifting to meet mine. I can see all kinds of turmoil dancing in their shiny depths, and I'm trying really hard not to feel bad about it. Really, it's not my fault, but I did know how Clarice felt. I should have been a little more sensitive about her feelings.

"I'm gonna be honest," I begin to explain, "I'm a little pissed you did this. I mean, I enjoyed it—immensely—but it was wrong. I don't like feeling used, and that's sort of how this feels. Like you wanted a little taste before you lost the opportunity. Is that what this was?" I'm not angry anymore, just genuinely curious.

"No," she says, shaking her head quickly from side to side. "I just always considered you a friend, but when you told me how you felt on Friday it's like it woke me up a little. Maybe I've always felt a little something for you. I don't know. Either way, it's not okay. This can't happen again."

"Agreed." It hurts to say, but I can't be the guy that tears two best friends apart. "Let's just forget all this," Yeah, right, "and go back to just being goofy friends, okay?"

She nods and I see a single tear slip past her lid and glide down her cheek. A wave of sympathy washes over me and I pull her to my side. She doesn't resist, and I bask in the warmth of her slim frame nestled into my larger one.

"Okay, let's get going then," I say, keeping my arm around her as we walk.

"What about Clarice, though?" Penny asks, drawing my attention down to her worried expression.

"You're just gonna have to tell her the truth," I say. "It's not going to work out. I love her as a friend but I have no interest in dating her."

She nods, but I get a sense that she feels like a failure. In a way, she is. She's just done something to her best friend that I'd never even consider doing. If Clarice ever found out about this, she'd be devastated. I can't imagine causing a friend such pain. But I keep my thoughts to myself. This is Penny's mess now. Whether she confesses is up to her.

We part ways with a simple wave and a nod of understanding that this is not to be mentioned again. It's as if we've sealed our secret behind a delusive smile, and I'm not at all comfortable with that. I'm honestly a bit turned off by Penny's behavior. I didn't know she was capable of something so ugly. I know it may have just been a simple moment of weakness, but it was a stupid moment of weakness. As selfish as it seems, maybe this was what I needed in order to get over her.

I feel guilty the moment the thought enters my mind. I've liked Penny for half a year. To be able to say goodbye to those feelings after one mistake seems awfully unfair to her. Either way, it's done. I still like her, but the hungry need to gain her affection has evaporated. I assume with time, my feelings for her will too.

———

I spend many of my evenings out on my motorcycle or hiking, just as a way of clearing my head. Things at school seem to have returned to normal for the most part, but now I'm getting weird looks from both girls. Call me crazy, but Penny's sudden interest in me is a little off-putting. I mean, I've been told I have magic kisses (not my words), but I doubt they're magical enough to make someone fall for me. It just feels weird... almost forced. I don't like it. I find myself almost missing the hard-shelled Penny. The Penny that didn't give a crap about relationships or feelings. I miss her.

I doubt anyone but Dillon has noticed the sudden shifted in our group. He actually brought it up to me before I had a chance to say a word to him. He catches on quickly. It didn't take long to get him up to speed with what all went down. I don't keep secrets from Dillon. My dad was a liar, and I most certainly don't plan to follow in his footsteps. So, when it comes to my issues, I don't hide. Clarice is Penny's problem—Dillon is mine. And because I respect Dillon far too much not to tell him what's happening, I share every detail about Tuesday and the kiss.

"Holy crap, dude," he murmurs, a teasing glint in his eyes as he tries—and fails—to hide a grin. He's enjoying this. As long as he's not in the midst of the drama, he loves it.

"I know." I run my hand down my face and then link my fingers together behind my neck as I drop my head back to gaze at the ceiling of my bedroom. "What am I supposed to do?"

The room is quiet for a moment and I glance down to see Dillon watching me intently from his spot on my bed. His brows are creased in thought, and I'm about ready to repeat my question when he finally speaks up.

"Honestly," he says, a regretful tilt to his lips. "I'd be done with both girls. Unless you're ready to deal with the repercussions of a nasty catfight, I'd say it's safer to let them both go."

I grunt in response, dropping into my bean bag. "Yeah, easier said than done." I kick my feet up to rest them on the edge of my bed and shoot Dillon a pleading look. "It's not fair that I have to give up the girl I want simply because her friend can't stop wanting me."

"Dude," Dillon says, his brows creased in pity and disappointment. "That's not really fair to Clarice, is it? I mean, she can probably help her feelings for you as much as you can help your feelings for Penny."

"Maybe," I shrug, "But when I play the scenario out in my head, my ultimate goal is for Penny to be happy. If she ever liked someone else, I wouldn't stand in the way."

"You wouldn't?"

"No," I say, defensively, hating the note of doubt in Dillon's tone. "I might be miserable for some time, but I think I'd be more miserable if I were the cause of her unhappiness. You know? Like, I'd get over it eventually."

Dillon doesn't respond, but I see his mind working. We spend the rest of the evening lounging in my room until my mom calls us down for dinner. And of course, meantime results in the whole Clarice and Penny topic again.

My mom listened in rapt interest as I spill the details. She nods in understanding when I tiptoe around my feelings—because, let's be honest, no guy enjoys talking 'feelings' with his mother. She agrees that it isn't my responsibility to tell Clarice what had happened and then she pulls me in for a giant hug as she gushes about how cute Penny and I would have been together. I think she's more disappointed that we didn't work out than I was. That's my mom for you, though. She's always hoping that her Hallmark and Lifetime dramas will play out somehow in real life... in my life.

And, if I'm being entirely honest with myself, sometimes I hoped they would too.

———

Tonight I've decided to spend the evening camping alone. It sounds crazy, but I happen to love the stillness of the night, and the peacefulness of being entirely alone. I've just set up camp about a mile off the main trail. This is the spot I normally come because there's a small clearing that gives me the most fantastic view of the night sky. I can lay in my hammock and see the entire universe. That's what it feels like anyway.

Nights are still cold, and as the sun drops its head, I busy myself with stoking the fire. Rubbing my hands together, I lean into the heat. I remain close to the fire until I'm nearly sweating and then I proceed with my camping tradition. I spot my tree just meters from where I'm standing and make my way to it, climbing its many branches with practiced ease. This is the highlight of my night. I like to sit perched at the very tip of the tree, where the branches sway with the wind and gaze at the stars.

I let all the drama from the past week wash over me before releasing it with a large sigh. A puff of air leaves my lips and it almost feels like that puff is my burdens physically leaving my body. I smile into the sky, listening to the sound of night descending upon me.

This right here is the purpose of life. To live on the edge. To pursue the impossible. To love the little moments along with the big. To understand that we're all significant in some way, even if my only significance in life is to appreciate the world that I live in. The idea itself makes me feel small, but I like it. I like to feel small. It means there's more world out there to discover. There's more journey's to take, more unknowns to uncover.

I lean back against the trunk of the tree as I realize just how grateful I am to be me.

Unfortunately, that gratefulness is soon to be destroyed.

-----

Alrighty! How'd you guys feel about this chapter? The ending indicates that something big's about to happen. Who's excited about that? Cuz I SO am!!! :D

Okay, who do you think would end up being the cutest couple? (Leave some ship names if you come up with any):

- Jamie and Penny

- Jamie and Clarice

- Jamie and Lynn

Thanks for reading!!! Until next time. <3