What joye do you bring me, but the distraction from thys sorrow? Wherein does the ephemeral bounty lye like you do, in the act of conception? You are a bitter engagement whose own end is empty, the journeé to which is laden with burdens and brambles. The brush and the pen and the vocé are inefficient tools for expression, and I, here, am unequipped for the undertaking.

The beauty beheld in your regal countenance is a masque that hides from me the sinister and morbid motivations you carry, in royal stature as those regentes who gaze down upon me from the holy mountains.

I labour at your will; the cost is harrowing to the promises you bade me. The pursuit of your perfection is plutonian - a descent to the demonic wherein the artistry is dissatisfying and the sun of its parts diminished.

In you I can never express the unending desire, the eternal toil to tell how much I crave reprieve from this sorrow.

I crawl to you with eagerness, I bring offerings of optimism.

Truly, in you, I am a captive of mute expression.

All I want is is that joye I can only find in him.

***

I'm sadsicles Bros and Hos and Spades. Art is hard and unfulfilling. Painting, writing, music - all it does is frustrate me and tire me out.

When I engage with it, it leaves me feeling empty, like a dirty whore kicked out on the street with a dollar tip for extra effort.

It's come to a point where I don't enjoy being happy, if that makes sense. I carry this dread with me that laces joy and energy and excitement with a sort of sinister poison.

When I'm on my high hopes, it feels like 'thats not good enough'.

As a mostly adult person, I'm afraid to admit that I'm not properly equipped to deal with this sort of thing, but that's not what this little rant is about.

I'm making the effort here to share my handy tips and tricks for making this empty feeling earn it's keep:

1. I always encourage people to admit what they feel is a real human emotion that is allowed to be there.

Imagine yourself as home where emotions live. Recognise that the good and the unpleasant are both complex. They have reasons for the way they are so don't be dismissive.

2. Aim to understand what the emotion is doing. Observe it, interrogate it. Learn it's name, or name it, so that you can better define it.

Try to make it concrete and define bounds for what it is. It's easier to address something you can see than something hiding in the shadows.

3. Understand the reasoning. Try to determine why it is acting the way it is.

Just like way a connection with a friend makes you feel fulfilled, these uncertain emotions are there for a good reason. They belong there as a consequence of something.

More often than not, they're trying to help you, but they speak a different language that we've been taught to ignore.

4. Accept it for what it is, and set boundaries. Move forward with that knowledge.

In my case, I would say:

I understand that I'm feeling desolated because my efforts are exhausting and unrewarding. I understand that I need fulfillment, and I'm not finding it in the ways I'm trying, but this should not demotivate me the way it is. I should try something different, search elsewhere for fulfillment.

5. Emotional Intelligence, or intrapersonal understanding, is NOT something we're taught at school, but is exceptionally important to learn.

It's not easy, but we should learn not to always reject bad feelings. The same way your instinct is to pull away from a hot stove plate, bad feelings serve a purpose in preserving your emotional wellbeing. We just need to channel them correctly.

X: This is a very simple approach for a simple mind like mine. I'd like to leave you on this note:

You own your emotions. They are your property, so feel free to explore them and don't be afraid. We've been taught and conditioned that being said is wrong, to stay away from it, but that simply isn't the case.