I rode in the ambulance with her all the way to the hospital. Everything was happening at once and it was crazy chaotic. She was crying on the stretcher and there was nothing I could do but hold her hand. When they took her into the ER, I was panicking. They let me use the phone and I called my parents. And then I called Jack. Lauren shouted the number to me as they rolled her away, she knows it by heart. I called & called yet no answer, so I left several messages.

While I waited in the waiting room, my parents showed up and stayed with me. They wanted to call her parents but I told them not to. She wanted to break the news to them herself. Later on, the doctor finally came out.

"How is she?" I ask him.

"Are you family?" He asked back.

"I'm the closest thing she's got."

He sighs. "She miscarried. We almost saved the fetus but it was too late. She's resting now, medicated for pain. Still in shock, isn't speaking much."

"Can I see her?"

At first he hesitates but then he allows me & only me into the room. That's where I found her in some sort of daze. Her head was slightly tilted to the side as she stared off into space. It looked as if her soul was exchanged with something a little more cold & distant.

"Hey," I touched her hand. She didn't even react.

"The moment I decide to have it, it's taken from me," she whispers.

"I'm so sorry...I tried calling Jack but he didn't answer."

"I have to tell my parents now," she said, still staring into a blank space.

"One thing at a time, okay?"

I stayed with her that day and even when they sent her home. I went straight to her house after classes for an entire week and brought her food. She was a depressed mess but I wasn't going to leave her alone. That's the last thing she needed. She was there for me through Eva, so I'm here for her through...all of this. She has no idea but ever since we swiped each other's v-card, I looked at her as the one that got away. Sure, we joked about it. But I was mostly going along with it. I want her to be happy but I also like things to be genuine. I would tell myself that if she didn't look at me as more than a friend, so be it. I'm not the type of guy to force anything. But I'd never tell her about how I truly feel...or felt...or whatever.

Today, I'm here again. Lauren's taking a nap. Depression can really drain the hell out of you. The night before, I had to stop her from harming herself. She said she had to do it so that she could stop crying but I made her watch funny movies with me instead. This wasn't like her at all and I was genuinely scared.

I was reading on my Kindle while she slept and the sound of the creaking door caught my attention. It was Jack, standing in the doorway with his hood over his head. He looks like he's been crying and tried to cover it up. I put my Kindle down and push him back outside the room, closing the door behind me.

"Her mom let me in," he informed me.

"Where the fuck have you been," I aggressively ask, but quietly so I don't wake Lauren.

"Thinking," he replied.

"It takes you over a week to think? I wouldn't bring that up to anyone." I folded my arms.

His eyes were glassy & he sniffled. "I can't believe she lost the baby. Did she tell you I wanted her to keep it?"

"She did. She also told me she wanted to go through with the pregnancy, she'd been doing research. She was actually a little happy about it. I guess she wanted to at least see the child before giving it away. But we got attacked and fate had another plan."

"She's been through too much," he said.

"Exactly. So you need to leave," I told him. 

He scoffs. "You can't tell me to leave, bro."

"Not your bro. You don't get to tell her that she suffocates you and then act like you care moments later," I slightly raised my voice.

He was about to reply but then Lauren's door opened and she just stood there, leaning against the doorframe & not looking too happy.

"Can we talk?" Jack asked her.

"We're talking," she replied.

"Alone."

"Why? Matt's been here for me since I lost your baby. Where were you?" Her arms folded.

Jack stumbled on his words and then just gave up. When he left, I could see the emotion on Lauren's face that she wanted him to fight, full of disappointment. She didn't stop crying that night even while we were watching Star Trek. 

I didn't want to leave her alone but I knew what I had to do.

. . .

I knew where Jack Johnson lived so that's where I went, hoping he'd tell me where Gilinsky's apartment was. But when I got there, Gilinsky was already present, taking bong rips and trying to do smoke tricks. He was giggling everytime he messed up.

"Bro, I can't do it," Gilinsky said, trying to blow smoke rings. He looked up and saw me. "What's he doing here?"

"You need to go back to her." I got right to it. "As much as I'm not fond of you. She's been depressed about everything. I had to hide every sharp object from her. If you don't wanna get back with her, fine. But she needs some sort of closure so she can move on and get over you."

Gilinsky looked careless. It didn't matter what I said. He threw his arms up in a shrug. "She didn't want me there. So I left. Granted her wish. Fuck it."

I felt myself getting angry, more than usual. I lunged forward and grabbed his shirt collar, pulling him off the couch with all my strength.

"Do you enjoy being worthless, Gilinsky?"

"Ohhh we got a tough guy," he laughed, still in my clenches.

"Yo chill," Johnson chimed in. "Good vibes only, bro."

"You once considered her the love of your life. Act like it. Not all of us get the chance to experience that. You have a great love right in the palm of your hands not even realizing how lucky you are."

I let him go and stormed out.

. . .

"You'll find better. You'll do better. Everything will be fine, ok?"

I held her bandaged wrists as I sat across from her on her bed.

"I feel pathetic, Matt," she gently sobbed. "I never thought it would be me crying and depressed over shit like miscarriages, breakups, & boys. I'm pathetic."

"A moment of weakness doesn't define you. It never will," I told her clearly. "You are one of the strongest people I know."

It is pretty crazy how far we've come in such a short time. I used to be invisible to her. But one class project brought us together. No one else gets me. I can be pretty philosophical at times and would get told to shut up but she understands. Once she called me Mattstradamus (like Nostradamus) because I was just talking deep for an hour.

She laid down and I laid next to her, still holding her hand. I looked up and around at the many posters of bands on her walls & slanted ceiling; The 1975, Arctic Monkeys, U2 for some reason...her bedroom was always my favorite, the way she decorated it. It had such a home vibe.

"Hey," I propped myself up on my arm. "Remember that pool party in 11th grade? Not the one you met Chase at. The one that was at Taylor Caniff's house?"

"Mmhmm," she automatically giggles, knowing what I'm about to say.

"Remember when I streaked through the party and jumped in the pool & I kinda teabagged this girl that was swimming underwater?"

"I was embarrassed for you," she laughed.

We laughed for a good 5 minutes before she pulled me down into a hug. I always loved the way she smelled. It was different all the time. Today she smelled like baby lotion, that pink bottle. She said it always soothed her. When I pulled away, I hovered above her a bit. Inside I was like fuck it and on impulse I quickly kissed her. She was shocked, her eyes wide & her mouth in a perfect 'O'.

"Umm," she said.

"Forget I did that," I gulped.

"That was awkward," she said, sitting up. "What was that about?"

I joined her and sat on the edge of the bed and shrugged. I've really gone and done it now. I stuffed my hands into my pockets, now too shy to look at her. I feel her hand on my cheek as she turns my head, kissing me back. Then we just look at each other and I go in for the kill. I've never even kissed Eva like this. Things were getting steamy and I rested comfortably between her legs. My hands ran up her sides and up her shirt. But then she abruptly stops everything. Moving out from under me.

"Matt, we can't," she sighs.

"I know," I agreed.

I'm not going to say I was friendzoned. She's not entitled to be with me. But as long as she's happy, I'm happy. I just wonder what she's going to do about all this Jack business and hope she doesn't get burned in the end.