Being in the same class with him for a whole semester and not speaking was torture. I felt drained, depressed, and like there was a gaping hole in my chest that refused to close. All I had was Matt and he was barely able to hang out that much due to his classes which were more extensive than mine. 

From the beginning of the semester to now, which is two days before Thanksgiving, the only bit of happiness I've had was seeing Matt kill it in his first play. Besides that, all I do is wake up, go to school, study, and sleep. Weekends only consist of Netflix & periodic binge eating. I haven't even gone out since that party with Cameron.

It wasn't too cold yet so I wanted to take advantage of the beach one last time. The temperature was just right, 77 degrees Fahrenheit. I sat on the beach alone on my towel, no umbrella needed since it was overcast. There were a few people sitting around but I didn't pay them any attention. I thought about when we all came to the beach and spent the night at Nash's beach house. I thought about that steamy night with Jack and how happy I felt. That happiness felt so far into the distance. I couldn't even see it on the horizon.

The wind blew a little fierce but I just closed my eyes as the cool breeze graced my face. I needed to feel something, anything. I've felt so dead the past few months and going to my history class always left me feeling uneasy. Everytime we were both in there, I was on edge.

I undressed down to my bathing suit and left my clothes in a pile with my phone underneath. Slowly I made my way to the shoreline and the water was colder than the air was, but I eased into it bit by bit until the water was up to my chest. The rip tide wasn't too bad but it felt a little choppy. I pushed off the sandy ocean floor and laid back, causing myself to float on top, face up. I moved with the ocean, clearly knowing how dangerous it could be, but I stayed. It was quiet and calm with the occasional sound of birds as my ears were in and out of water. I stared up at the white sky and just breathed. Even with all of this peace, Jack was still there in the front of my mind. I imagined he was floating next to me, holding my hand.

I love you, I said quietly, wishing he somehow heard me.

I curled myself into a ball and swam underwater. I could barely see the sandy ground so I knew I had drifted out. I didn't even know what direction I was swimming. I swam up to the surface and saw how far out I was. The lifeguard blew his whistle and waved at me to come back inland. I threw up my hand and screamed sorry, hoping that he heard me. I began to swim back but soon my leg gets caught in seaweed. I didn't want to cause a panic so I went back underwater and untangled myself.

When I got back to shore, I realized how I no longer had any sense of urgency. I was angry at myself for letting a guy be the reason I got to this point.

. . .

Thanksgiving was great and I felt a bit better after being around family. My mother, however, thought it was cool to drag me out to shop on busy Black Friday. We went to Macy's and I was too tired to care about things like my favorite perfumes being 40% off. I tried not to doze while I walked. I found a place to sit down while she walked around and I swore for a minute, I saw Jack. I knew it was him because I recognized that grey hoodie. His leg had healed a bit and he still had a brace on it but no more cast. He's like a miracle child.

I walked around, acting oblivious to his presence. He was with Johnson who was carrying a pile of stuff, analyzing everything he picked up. Gilinsky leaned against everything he could. They moved on to another section and I overheard Johnson asking the lady what she recommended as a gift for his mom. And Gilinsky had commented how he was waiting for Cyber Monday to go shopping. While the lady showed Johnson some nice accessories, Gilinsky went off to the side, seemingly fascinated by a collection of women's necklaces.

"How much is this," he asks another attendant.

"That's 75, originally 95," she replies. "It's one of our popular pieces, especially if you're buying for someone special." She grinned.

"Yeah, she's something special. But do you have anything a little more unique?"

The lady shows him some more necklaces that were in the display case. Who could he be talking about? We haven't spoken in months so I know it's not for me and he said he was buying his mother's gifts online. It better not be Emilia.

I decided to stop spying before I heard something I didn't want to hear so I walked off.

"Lauren?"

I froze and turn around. Cover blown. Somehow I had forgotten how beautiful he was and it became slightly harder to breathe.

"Hey you," I responded, breaking a smile. The tension eased when he grew a smile as well.

Then it became awkward when we both couldn't find the words to say next. He slowly limped toward me and pulled me into a hug. It was the longest hug, and the tightest. I missed this. I missed his scent and the way his arms wrapped perfectly around me. I inhaled him in and closed my eyes, trying to remember everything about this moment. We didn't even need words. So much was said with just that one hug. And then I couldn't help it, I started to cry. He squeezed tighter once he felt my shoulders move up & down with my sobbing.

"Shh, it's okay. Everything's gonna be okay," he whispered.

Then I woke up. I had fallen asleep while waiting for my mom. Jack wasn't there, he never was. My mom walked up to me with an arm full of clothes not even noticing my melancholiness.

"You didn't want to try anything on? I saw some cute tops you might like," my mom asked.

I shook my head and she shrugged, telling me she was going to the checkout line. I remained in my seat, crouching over until I could breathe easier.

I'm not sure how or when I decided to do this, but I found myself parked outside of Jack's house. There were no cars in the driveway and the house seemed desolate. The willow tree in the front yard swayed with the wind as I finally stepped out and leaned against my car. I kept thinking about what I would say to him if I saw him right now. But it was too late. The front door opened and there was Jack with his crutches. I thought I had fallen asleep again as we both stared at each other from a distance. I pinched myself to wake up, I was. He started to come toward me but I walked faster so he wouldn't have to travel too far. We got close and he brought his hand up to my cheek, staring deep into my eyes. His thumb brushed my lips and I placed my hand on top of his, sighing with relief. I began to speak but he silenced me with his index finger. He looked at me the same way I looked at him, wondering and hoping this is really happening and it's not just a dream, a daydream, a thought...

He leaned down to me and rested his forehead against mine. His eyes closed and mine followed. Hearing him breathe was soothing to me.

"I tried...and I can't," his voice cracked.

"You can't? S-sorry, I just needed to see you,"

"No. I mean, I can't...be without you."

Our lips brushed past each other as we tried to steady our breathing, but we didn't kiss. Instead he took my hand and guided me into his house.

"Let's go talk," he told me.