i can't speak and i can't listen

and everyone is a curse or something worse

"GOOOOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE!"

A voice cut through the early morning silence, but was smothered when something hit the wall with a thump.

"Don't you throw pillows at me, young lady! Now get up or I'll forget to pack you lunch!"

Levina groaned and buried her face in the other pillow she had left. She did not stir. It was too early for this.

A deep sigh. "It's pancakes, Levina. I made you pancakes."

Damnit. One of her eyes cracked open. "Pancakes?"

Lawrence Boddy shook his head at her, an amused smile floating on his face. His salt-and-pepper hair was roused from sleep, fine lines on his face etched deeper from the light coming from the window. Seemed he pulled back the curtains once he got into her room. His teeth were pearly white, face a leathery brown, smile inviting and wise like it always had been. For a retired S.H.I.E.L.D agent, he looked far too happy and simple a man to be imagined anywhere else but in a tiny apartment with his adopted kid.

He gave her sheets a hearty slap, which made her huff at him and turn away. "Come on, get up! Up, up, up! This old man doesn't have all day!"

"You're fifty."

"That's halfway through life, girl! Now get up before I put on my Arethra—you know how I get with Arethra," he pestered, poking at the flower-printed sheets and pulling the blinds even further apart. He hummed and danced around just because he knew it annoyed her in the mornings. His singing was warbly and off-pitch on purpose, but still filled with the hearty soul so familiar to her. "R-E-S-P-E-C-T—"

She groaned loud, slumping her face into her bed. "Please don't start!"

"Find out what it means to me!"

"No!"

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T—"

Another pillow. "Please, stop!"

"Take out E-C-T—"

"Fine, fine, I'm up!" Levina huffed, reluctantly flinging herself up from bed. Her voice was hoarse and quiet like it always was. She perpetually sounded like she had a cold or was recently recovering from a decimating case of strep throat. It's why she didn't talk much. That, and the fact that she never really knew if she had anything important to say.

"Atta girl," Boddy teased, a gloating grin on his face as he threw her missing pillow back at her. "And that's Agent Boddy to you," he gleamed, striding out the door with his thumbs in his belt loops.

"I'll stick with uncle at most," Levina muttered as he left the room.

"I was serious Levina, hurry or these pancakes are gone!" He yelled from the kitchen.

She grumbled to herself. Even without a mirror, she could feel the bags beneath her eyes. Last night she accidentally binged another round of conspiracy videos (she was curious, okay?) and passed out at around four in the morning with drool dripping down her cheek.

It was three steps to the tiny bathroom nestled in the corner of her room. She hated the bathroom. The bright yellow light painted the floor in all sorts of ugliness, bringing out the cracks in the tiles that were stained with dirt and the spots that had stained overtime from God-knows-what. That combined with Levina's sub-par cleaning skills made the bathroom repulsive to anyone who paid attention to it for more than five seconds. Thankfully it was only her and her adopted-agent-father living here, so all her ugliness was kept in binds.

She washed her dull face and did a half-assed job of brushing through her flat, dark hair, dutifully avoiding her mirror. Levina was a very ordinary-looking girl for the most part. She had stark, hooded eyes, and soft cheeks. Her skin had a greyness to it, the warmth eroded from years of metal and tears. Boddy always teased her by saying she constantly looked drowsy. He was right.

She shuffled out of her tiny room and into the kitchen, drowned in a giant sweater. "Wow, how many of those gray lumps do you have?" Boddy asked, eyeing her as she slumped down at their oval wooden table.

"It's a hoodie," she mumbled, voice scratchy. "And six."

Levina didn't talk much. It hurt. She didn't like thinking about why it hurt, or how to fix it, but every time she opened her mouth a stabbing pain felt through her throat, like millions of particles were snapping into static inside her. She talked when she needed to, but that wasn't often. There was never much to say. And when there was, she didn't know how to word it.

A warm plate of pancakes slid in front of her. With a clink, syrup landed next to it. She smiled in spite of herself, looking up at her caretaker. He whistled a tune as he went around the kitchen to tuck things away, a cloth thrown over his shoulder. He always looked so carefree and well-lived. Like he had already done everything he ever wanted, ever needed, and was relishing in the feeling of not wanting and needing. Just doing things for the sake of them. Like making pancakes, or speeding down a deserted road, or adopting a kid that would never shake her life before, and never let him fill the void in her. It was a reminder of how much she loved him. Two years she'd lived with him, and yet it felt like her whole life. She called him "Uncle" because she was too old to see him as her dad, and he always smiled a bit and said, "You can call me whatever you want, kiddo. As long as it's not sir, because I ain't a sir no more."

He wasn't like her. He was so full of energy and love and passion. The only place she felt safe was with him—in their cramped Queens apartment with the record player spinning to the sound of his voice. Levina had her fair share of horrors, but all Boddy had was warmth. He was so eager to take her in once he saw her the day she woke up in that dark room, in an unfamiliar place for the second time in her life. It was his tone that soothed her, that told her where she was. It was him that told her she was finally free.

He probably didn't know he'd been lying.

"Thank you," Levina said, swelled with affection. She timidly started eating her pancakes after dousing them in syrup. The sweetness hit all the right places in her mouth, making her wish she could hum in delight. She was a little ashamed of the way she was devouring this —her appetite was usually about as large as a pea.

Boddy came back over to her and dropped a kiss onto her forehead. "Hey, I didn't do this just for you. I'm a bit of a carbaholic myself," he said, stealing a bite of one of her pancakes before she swatted him away. "Us agents need our energy!"

"Ex-agent," she called after him as he wandered off again, barely a whisper escaping her throat. She didn't know if he even heard it.

Levina bumped into tables and chairs and stray cushions as she fussed around her apartment to get all her stuff. She had a bad habit of procrastinating. Once her books were stuffed in her bag, stuck-out papers and all, Levina returned to the bathroom for her least favourite part of the morning: trying to make herself look good.

It was hard to stare in a mirror for too long. She had to avoid them the most she could. Because first it started well enough, normal face, normal body, like all humans have. Then soon you see the sharp, thin scars littering her arms, and the emptiness of her throat, and the same body that had been wrestled to silence in a place she still felt anguish for. It was too much memory for her.

She didn't really like thinking that she could be seen. She didn't like thinking she existed at all. Aptly avoiding a mirror gave her less of a physical form, helping her keep up her theory that she was made of dust and twine and nothing more. A hollow body with a hollow mind. That's what she needed to be.

After meeting her own eyes, Levina left the bathroom with a shudder warping her insides. The taste of maple syrup had been lost. She was starting to feel trapped in herself again like she did every day.

Boddy was waiting at the door for her. He had a long, brown jacket on even though there was barely even a breeze today. Odd man, always dressed for the cold. He gave her an easy smile, Levina's backpack hanging in one of his hands. "All ready?"

She nodded wordlessly, trying to smile. He was one of the only good things she had. One of the only things worth being present for. She crammed into her not-white shoes and felt a little more prepared to face the outside.

Boddy clapped a large hand on her shoulder but only for a second. He hissed and flung his hand off. "Woo, intense this morning!" He chuckled.

There were lots of reasons Levina didn't like people touching her. One of the more telling ones was the very nature of her—full of charged particles ready to latch onto someone else. It was why Boddy never touched her when she first woke up. She was basically a huge ball of electricity. Accidentally shocking someone happened a lot. Too much.

"Sorry," she winced, swallowing thickly.

"No worries," he opened their front door and locked it behind them. "Now let's hurry down before you're late, hm?"

Levina's apartment complex was yellow walls and browning trim. The resident's doors were horribly spaced out and almost always looked rusty. There was a lot of dust in here, too. She had lots of trouble breathing at night because of it. (So she just avoided sleep entirely sometimes.)

As they walked to the elevator, out of the corner of her eye Levina saw another resident pop out of their apartment and into the end of the hall, on the complete opposite end of where her apartment was. He was stuffing things into his backpack, and someone was obnoxiously shouting things like, "Love you so much, honey pie!" and "Don't forget to text!" It was definitely embarrassing him because he kept groaning and his cheeks were pink.

On second thought, Levina swore he went to her school. She'd seen him around here a couple times before. His name was either Peter or Patrick. Or Josh. She was pretty sure it was Patrick.

Boddy tugged her sleeve swiftly, taking extra care not to shock himself again. "Stop gawking!" He teased as the doors slid shut.

She gave him a firm elbow to the side.

It took a while to reach her school, Midtown Tech. It was a place full of smart, preppy kids, some meaner than others. Levina stuck out like a sore thumb there, but was also so boring that she blended into everyone surrounding her. Going to a big school was actually very useful.

She turned down the music that was always with her on blurry, sun-filled car rides in Queens. When she turned, the first thing she saw was Boddy's large, almost exaggerated smile. "Have the best day ever! Ever ever! Of all time!" He grinned, slapping his hand on her shoulder once again and relaxing it when the shock never came.

"No promises," she hoarsed out, fumbling to unlock her car door. She was a very slow-moving person, so Boddy had to heckle her to keep the momentum going.

"Love you, honey! Have a great day!"

She said it back and he waved off and out of the drop-off zone. Even after years with him, the exchange still felt a little foreign. He loved her. Weird.

She stuffed her hands as deep into her sweatshirt pocket they could go. These first few minutes were the most terrifying. Everyone other than Boddy felt like some sort of curse to her—a test of her normalcy that would get her sent back to her old life if she failed. Her eyes went wide like a deer in headlights, searching for one of the very few people she was comfortable with to grasp onto for dear life. She almost always looked stupid, and buried herself in her shirts as she walked to class so no one would recognize her.

Today, however, she was in luck. There was a trash can on fire. Which meant there was at least one person she knew nearby.

She puffed a breath and made her way towards the clump of students crowding the can. They were laughing against eachother and Levina wished she could sound like that again. She couldn't laugh anymore. It only sounded like she was hacking up dust.

Between all the students with folded collars and pristine smiles, there was no sight of who Levina hoped for. The flames in the garbage can faded, licking lower and lower until they dispersed into ash. She groaned. Now she'd have to feel this anxious all the way to first period.

Trying to absorb herself into her sweatshirt, she stepped away from the gaggle of kids. It wasn't the greatest start to her day. Gloom covered her entirely, and she really couldn't see anything changing up to when she would hit the bed that night.

Someone violently tugged on her sweatshirt, careening her off-balance and at the mercy of her perpetrator. Air came out of her mouth but that was it as she was pulled into the corners of Midtown, hidden by the shadow of the sun.

The face that greeted her finally made the gloom settle. Thank God.

Hunter Brandt, her best, most terrible friend was gripping Levina's sleeve with a massive grin on her face. "Did you see it?!" She asked, tufts of curls poking out from underneath a beanie that was intentionally lopsided. There was a manic look in her eyes that would concern any adult within a five-mile radius.

Levina had to clear her throat before managing to answer, "Trash can again. Yeah." She swallowed again. "What was it today?"

"Liam Cross tried to steal my camera."

"And?"

"I took his bio homework and lit it on fire."

Levina just smiled and nodded. Hunter was a bit, um . . . eclectic. Her two passions were journalism and being a public nuisance, in that order. She was literally the worst possible person Levina could be friends with—larger-than-life, nosy, and very loud. But she was really, really sweet, and had a kindness in her that drove her to tell good stories and find good people. Levina guessed she was one of those people. Or stories. Or both. They stuck together in an odd sort of way. Hunter preferred her acts of arson and vandalism to be mostly anonymous (although Levina was sure this Liam Cross case was an exception) so it wasn't like everyone knew she was the one stealing all the REMEMBER THE DRESS CODE signs at school. Levina was plagued with loneliness and didn't do talking, so Hunter covered that for the both of them. They weren't the best of friends, not sticking together constantly, but enough to help each other through Midtown Tech. For an only friend, Hunter was pretty damn fulfilling. Her energy was worth a thousand people.

"You're gonna get in trouble for that," Levina said, words scraping her throat.

Hunter smiled deviously and looped her arm under Levina's. "No I won't. No one cares about the garbage cans. And no one cares about Liam, either."

Hunter took Levina along Midtown's campus, bright shirt and sneakers standing out rather sorely among all the greys and blues. "Harsh," Levina smiled a bit.

They chatted aimlessly as they walked to seperate classes. Well, Hunter chatted. She talked about her dad's sandwich business and her recent photography ventures—complete with a seven-minute spiel on her newest mission.

"I'm telling you, he's around here somewhere. He's a hero local to New York only. And statistically, he's most often in Queens when there isn't anything major going on. He's always getting cats down from trees, stuff like that." Hunter froze, scanning the halls with a strange expression on her face. "He may be among us right now!" She whispered.

Levina rolled her eyes. "Spider-Man isn't a teenager." When Hunter's face fell, she added, "You'll find him."

Truth be told, Levina didn't like thinking of Spider-Man much. She couldn't avoid it, since he was plastered on every headline in Queens, but she sure did try. Thinking of superheroes and Avengers and people that did things most couldn't . . . it made Levina think of her life before. Of the day she plummeted to the ground with nothing but a beetle's wings below her. People with, uh, unconventional abilities made Levina squirmy. She didn't like thinking about whether they felt obligated to protect, or if they did it because they wanted to. She didn't like wondering if they ever thought about her. If things had been even a little bit different. The web it formed in her head took hours to unstick from.

"Apparently someone from the daily bugle got one of his web samples the other day. From the side of a bank, yeah. Maybe I should apply there so I can steal it."

Levina snorted breathily. Hunter punched her in the arm and continued. Her tangent lasted just long enough to fill the space between the five-minute bell, and Levina miserably parted with her friend to travel alone again.

She slid into first period and was immediately away again. It started slow, but trickled down through her eyes and her mouth and her body until it consumed her completely. She was quiet and unmoving and lost. It happened almost every day—a big chunk of her time always went missing and she could never find it. She was away in her mind and in her cold metal room again as the day blurred past. Walking to lunch. Walking to class. Walking out of school. It was all lost on her, because she was away, she was not here, and Wanda was singing a song to her as screams curdled her ears.

It was really hard staying present these days. Her S.H.I.E.L.D-appointed therapist told her that it was important to live in the now. That holding onto the past would do no good for her, and going away into it wouldn't make her feel whole. She had to stop dwelling on the people she knew and start engaging with the people she had now. It wasn't like Levina could control it. It wasn't like she wanted to be back in that room again, in a loose gown and shackles, but it had been her home for so many years and it was so simple back then. All she had to do was show up and take the pain. Now, she had to make choices. Now the world was big and there were so many things to do, and it wasn't any better than being in that room because the pain was still there. Even with her new, normal life, it was as agonizing as the one that came before it.

She returned to present when the tears pricked her eyes. Cars whizzed past her and horns blared. Large buildings made of concrete and glass towered over her. She realized this was her walk home, but for some reason she'd decided to take the long way through the city rather than the subway.

Wanda, pressing a kiss to her hair. Pietro, telling her horrible jokes. The man in the passenger seat, bleeding eyes penetrating hers. Screams.

Something pricked every one of her fingers, and she knew she was acting up again. It usually started with her hands. They were her main source of energy release, so everything either built up there or in her chest. (Chest was undeniably worse. She even had to go to the hospital once and S.H.I.E.L.D had to send in one of their own doctors because nobody could figure out what happened to her.) She looked down at her hands and the faintness of her veins were more prominent, glazed green. It was almost unnoticeable right now, but it wouldn't be for long. At least she wasn't stuffed in a subway full of people.

Stuffed in a jeep, pinned to the side of the door, kicking and screaming—

She tried for air and started to walk faster, looking for somewhere she could tuck herself into to expel the energy. If she didn't get rid of it she'd be a bundle of anxiety and static, something very dangerous near other civilians.

Heart palpitating, fingers tingling, she searched for an alley or a backroad she could hide in. The less she found the more frantic she got, the more she remembered hang on, kid and is this the one? Avengers towering over her and whirring beams of light. Tearing past building after building, heartbeat after heartbeat, she could feel her veins getting brighter. Just when she thought she was going to explode she saw the perfect little alleyway hunched between two abandoned buildings. There was no time to breathe relief as she threw herself in there, lungs shallow.

On three.

Can you open your eyes for me?

Me and Pietro used to hear this song on television.

Stop screaming. It will only make it worse.

It was times like these Levina thought going away was better. She really did loathe herself sometimes. There was no amount of money she wouldn't give to get herself out of her mind and out of her body, leave herself behind to go somewhere calm and full.

She couldn't see much as she stumbled into the alley, dropping her backpack beside her and squeezing her eyes shut. It was black and uncertain. Not helping. She felt her joints crackle inside her and the adrenaline was almost too much to bear. She could tell her veins were really showing now, staining the black green behind her eyes. A couple deep breaths and they calmed, fading into her as the electricity started to pool into her hands.

The dust started to settle, but only briefly, because in the quick moment her eyes were closed, there was lots of rustling beside her. She shot her eyes open and her pulse hadn't quite cooled, so every bit of her was on alert and ready to combust.

She expected it to be an animal or something. But as she turned, squinting to the end of the alleyway, she saw something very different.

Someone wringing out of a red-and-blue suit.

Her overwhelming anxiety was forgotten immediately because is that . . . who I think it is? The suit sure didn't look cheap. Or inauthentic. Her eyes were absorbing things much faster than usual as she followed the seamless stitching. It looked very well-made. And she was starstruck, frozen in place, because the person with brown curls tousling their head and swearing under their breath seemed a lot like the vigilante New York loved dearly. Or in Hunter's case, was at least ridiculously curious about.

And now he was here. In front of her. Stripping in an alleyway. Why her? How did she get here? Help.

Levina couldn't do anything but step back from this invasion of privacy that could maybe be the worst discovery of her life. She felt a thud behind her. Her backpack had toppled over.

Spider-Man (SPIDER-MAN?) froze immediately. He darted up like a rocket, whole body rippling until the suit was nearly sliding off him.

It felt like a whole minute passed by. She was staring at his back, and he hadn't moved an inch. He started to turn around and for some reason she wanted to say turn back around you moron I REALLY don't want to know who you are, this REALLY can't be happening to me, I'm REALLY going to throw up right now.

Why was he turning around? Why hadn't she left yet? Why did she want to know but not want to know but gauge her eyes out for even knowing this ever could've happened in her lifetime? Help, again.

It happened so slow yet so fast. She made out the slope of his nose, the line of his jaw, but soon there were his eyes and mouth and his entire fucking face. There was no time to run or cover her eyes because she'd seen what she'd seen—and what she'd seen was so, so strange.

Because Hunter was right. Spider-Man had been among them this whole time.

She blinked, and he blinked, and she swore the cars stopped moving. He looked as mortified as she did, familiar pink cheeks and raised brows sending her into some sort of overload because this was actually literally impossible. There was no way this was real.

Levina had never been good with words. Now, she forgot english altogether. She had never said a word in her life. There was only one she remembered, one bursting through her, one she hoped would do something to draw the horror of this horrible run-in away.

She looked at the boy she saw this morning, flustered and anxious like he was now. Sound was able to scrape her throat louder than it had in a long time.

"Patrick?"

heyy everyone she is finally here!! i do not really
like this opening chapter but we will deal with it. it'll get better i swear. shoutout to cissy girIgone for motivating me 2 post this sorry it took a while!

anyways i love levina So much and she is going through it right now,,,, but she's my best friend i love writing for her i love her sm. her and boddy's relationship is so therapeutic to write i want to live with them :( and hunter is so cool i'm so excited to develop her further as well!!

clearly levina is not doing well and has a lot of shit on her plate and lots of that will be explained and unpacked as this book goes on (especially w my homegirl wanda like levina is in shambles) but i hope chapter 1 was like....good so far?? peter will actually be in the next chapter and he's so fucking STUPID my emotional support white boy him and levina are my everything and more

that said please don't be a ghost reader on this book!! or any book!! don't do it!! i love talking to people and seeing everyone's opinions comment/talk as much as you want i love it so much

so excited to continue this book and boy oh BOY do i have some extra scenes that will never see the light of day but i will explain them in great detail when the time comes (fun fact: levina essentially being 'taken' from wanda and pietro by the avengers is now canonically one of their driving motivations to team up with ultron on top of their already traumatic past......they're determined to get their other sister back but they never do isn't that so fun!!)

anyways that's it thank you for reading tell me what you thought!! hope u have a great day

—perrie :)