So I've been sitting here trying to think about something funny to share. Me being me though, this is what you got. Maybe there's some humour in this, who knows?

1.    People who spend endless minutes trying to reverse-park in a parking bay so they can drive out 'faster' when they're leaving? You guys are nuts. Drive in, drive out. Two smooth motions. Backing a monster 4WD requiring several forward/reverse moves - this makes you smarter?

2.    Celebrating death or mourning a life? Never quite know which of the two it is nowadays. All that food and alcohol at the 'after-party'... why do I never hear any conversation about the person we just buried? Why am I hearing jokes and work-shit and why are there morons who think it appropriate to flirt during a wake?

3.    Turning women into men and coercively 'getting them into the work-force'. Kids parked in 'Centres' and raised by strangers because two incomes are needed to pay the mortgage on the McMansion presented as the ideal. Get a smaller house you brainless fodder-munchers. Babies and toddlers need their mothers.

4.    'Ribbon days' and 'Cause months'. The chase for charity dollars. Those over-cheerful guys outside the supermarket getting paid for every sucker they lure in? Only 2% of all money raised actually reaching the 'cause' or the hands of those working on a cure; the other 98% spent on advertising/promotion and salaries? Not getting mine. I'd rather give it directly to the struggling family down the street - the one with the sick child? They'll get ALL of it.

5.    Rote learning and 'essays' and standardised testing. What happened to knowledge and original thought? Eighteen year olds without a clue. A sea of incomprehension and dulled intellects and these are our future leaders? I see a rudderless ship approaching...

6.    The push to 'dilute' the sexes. Why are men no longer men damn it? I look around and see sweet-smelling, perfectly styled and groomed Ken dolls. I like a bit of sweat, you know? And what's with the mani-pedicures? And the facials and the Botox? Soon you'll be so diluted you'll taste like flat lemonade without the lemons. 

7.    Seeing people with tattoos of previous partner's names. You suck, you hear? And their kids' names too? Seriously? There's a thing called a laser, it erases those foolish ideals you once assumed yours for eternity? Nothing lasts forever. Except tattoos. You get to die with those. Either tattoo smarter or keep the things updated, get it? 

8.    Who gives way? You're standing on one side of the road wanting to turn right and there's a car on the opposite side of the road also wanting to turn right. Make a frigging law to deal with this! I have spent far too long staring at other drivers staring at me, a sea of confusion between us. Who has right of way? No one does. We both do. Do I go first? No, you go first. You sure? Just go damn it!

9.    Too much skin! Cover up for fuck's sake. Leave just a little to the imagination would you? Leggings are not pants by any 'stretch' and skin-coloured ones with fat-dimpled buttocks on show are just plain gross. Check your arse in the mirror before you leave the house! I don't want to see it! I shouldn't have to deal with your poor taste or lack of decency.

10.   No, I don't want to find an old rich bloke to marry so I inherit his money once he croaks it. He may well outlive me and I don't need my last years spent changing nappies and cleaning up drool. Stop telling me this is the best way to secure my future! I don't want a secure future you uppity woman. Just because you fleeced someone... no I won't speak further. Nor should you. Ever!

11.   "I got this!" No you haven't. You got nothing! I am three times your age and I still haven't 'got it' you hear? Every time you say that, you re-affirm my lack of faith in you. No one's got anything. And no, Googling's not the answer. You're just getting someone else's "I got it" which they got off someone else? And they don't 'got it' either. Duh, why are there 533,000 hits on how to tie a shoelace?

12.   "Keyboard Warriors" - Note to self: Hunt down whoever coined this phrase and give them a big serve. Why couldn't you have called them "Keyboard Cowards" or something? Maybe we'd have fewer of them? You fucking made them out to be majestic creatures, armed with powerful weapons you idiot! Really poor choice of words there mate.

13.   Pinching 'avacdadoes' @TheRebornOreo . I get everyone thinks that's the only way to check if they are ripe. But I don't know where the dozen fingers have been, before squeezing the avocado I have just placed in my basket? Picked your nose recently? Wiped your butt and didn't wash? Dislodged the stubborn bit of meat between your teeth? Had a quickie in the car park? The colour you imbeciles, go by the colour! It says so on the placard above?

14.   "You're too skinny." Followed by "Why aren't you looking after yourself?" I am looking after myself you judgmental female with far too much padding! What? I should envy your triple D boobs? Talk to me when they're at knee-level. And when that muffin-top from the too many muffins leads to 'loose' shirts, yeah then too. Don't disguise your envy by cloaking it in 'concern for me'. Look after your own self! 

15.   No I won't bring a 'plus one'. Don't give a shit if that throws out your table arrangements. Stick me on the kids' table. At least I'll get some laughs there instead of couples' bullshit. I like kids. They do funny stuff and say some amazing things. Don't know why you keep sticking them near the toilets though. Is it because of their toilet jokes or because you want them as far from you as possible, huh?

16.    I am a Vegan. This makes it your problem to solve when I visit your establishment. Deal with it. Or deal with a hungry and irate me. And you don't want to do that, trust me. I have big words. I like using big words which end up involving the manager because you have no clue as to what I'm talking about and you desperately turn to a 'Higher Authority'... I especially like it when the chef has to leave his hallowed space and mingle with his test subjects...

17.    I don't 'do lunch'. I hardly eat lunch. I will have some lunch with you however, if it comes along with some decent conversation. By that I mean I don't 'do gossip' or reiterate the goings-on during the last episode of whatever, either. You want to grab a quick bite, you don't need me. I chew slowly and I talk between mouthfuls. A lot.

18.    Bureaucracy - You are the bane of my existence. Get it together, middle-aged woman who hasn't seen sunlight or a smile for decades; don't ask me to prove my 'Citizenship Status' when it's only a click away on your keyboard. Seriously. All you guys are linked, now that we have this internet thing going? Did you not get that update?

19.    No, you are not having a 'sale'. I am a regular and I know the item you are advertising for the now 'sale price' of $39.99 was $39.99 two weeks ago. Only you stuck a new price sticker on it and it's a bargain yeyyyy, since the 'original' price was $69.99 - as the new sticker claims? You're fucking lying. Stop it.

20.    Go read a book, seriously. Go read a book yourself. Don't stare at me like I'm some museum piece. And reading on your tablet, you think this makes you more 'civilised'? You think swiping is cool? What? You got a problem with me jotting an idea on the side of the page? Stop staring at me!

Feel free to send your own, I forgot to tell you that part...

Also go read TheAlvarezChronicles

He peeves a lot!