If you are running late it is perfectly acceptable to drive your kid to the train station in your new pink fluffy robe. And no, you are not 'flashing' when said kid doesn't close the door properly in his rush to catch the train and the wind flings it open and then said wind whips up your robe as you rush around to shut it. Don't stare and sniggle - you in the suits and heels - the day may come when you are caught in a similar compromising situation. Note to self: carry phone everywhere.

No matter how famous one is, when they are out with family, their privacy should be respected. No photo ops and no autographs. Family time is sacred you fools. Maybe you think it's your lucky day and all but hey, it's that person's lucky day too, getting the opportunity for some rare family time. Making them get up every couple of minutes is not cool. Respect!

It is morally acceptable not to pick up the dog poo you don't see your dog poop it out. You must carry a poop bag but if your dog decides he wants some privacy and runs off into bushes, then give him that privacy. It's fertilizer. For the bushes.

When you are using your phone in a public place, don't raise your voice, technology has progressed - you know? Don't be like my mother who thinks she has to yell because she's talking to someone overseas and it's along way away? I don't want to be in a threesome with you and whoever and the night to come... nor do I appreciate becoming involved in some spat with your mother!

There are places where skin can be exposed. Like the pool or the beach. Or your own house? Go all out. Show it all off there. But not when I'm shopping for my groceries. I don't want to see butt-cracks because the cereal of your choice is on the bottom shelf. Nor boobs when they fall out because your top is three sizes too small and you reach for the can of peas, and out they pop (not the peas). Miniskirts and grocery shopping do not mix well either, you bright young things. All those weird contortions to reach high and low... just put some shorts on - try it - see how much easier everything is.

If you are unable to pull into a parking spot without the ten 'back and forth' attempts then consider handing your licence in. You may just be too old, and may press the accelerator instead of the brake one day soon and end up in a shop front and on the nightly news because you nearly killed me and a few others? Not a good way to get my whatever minutes of fame. One shot I got, and it had to do with your refusal to face the fact you are too old to drive?

I should never ever have to see painted-on eyebrows. Hear me? If you went through some weird phase and plucked the shit out of them, then that's not my problem. Get some transplants. Or stop tweezing before you have nothing left to tweeze. And no, black is not a colour. It does not become you. Two black and slightly smudged lines because you forgot and you wiped where you shouldn't have just make you look exactly like what you are. A clown.

Don't ask me how I am. If you're a friend, then you already know. If you're not, then it's none of your business. Greet me with something else. Engage me in some fascinating facts... And if I'm in a particular mood and describe how I am down to the smallest detail, don't fucking shuffle and glance at your phone and takes small steps away. You asked me!

It is not okay to pick your nose or your teeth or your ears when stuck in traffic. You might consider the car your private space but it has windows and I'm only a couple of metres away. It's just gross! What, you couldn't do all that in the bathroom mirror before you left home? You have to reach up and clean your facial orifices in the rear-view mirror? I can't see your hands below window level, so I don't know where all those things you pull and twist out end up. Not a nice thought to leave me with as you drive off! 

Hey you guys! You with the tight suits and the shiny pointy shoes? You work in Real Estate, haha! Have you any idea how easy it is to spot you in a crowd? I may be your client one day. Don't joke about the schmuck you undersold or the big bonus you earned by overinflating the price and conjuring up a phantom buyer or two... Out of the office you're like a pack of gloating hyenas. I want to 'kill' you before you claim your next victim... someday I might just walk in and be the buyer from hell. You know the one ;)

I don't care about Reality Shows! Don't pollute my espresso with the latest episode of 'The farmer wants a wife'. I agreed to coffee, not to re-hash. If you have nothing interesting to say, go have coffee alone or better still, have it in front of the TV and talk to it. They have microphones now you know? They can hear you and all, so just vent there about how Mark should have chosen Meagan instead of the one with the big tits. Mark is not real you mesmerised moron! There's no real in reality TV!

If it is raining, and I'm walking down the street, don't talk to me. Unless we're in the tropics and the rain is accompanied by heat? Don't stop me in the downpour to 'catch up' under two umbrellas whipping in the bitter wind. Just nod, smile and move on... we can 'catch up' when the sun is shining; the world won't end before that, don't you worry.

I can wear some clothes and get away with it. That's because I have not just risen from a table where I snuffled like a pig in a trough. You snuffled dear, and now you waddle with your gut hanging bare below your too-short top? Oh but you can't see, right? Can't see below that big wobbly thing you carry before you like some bargain you picked up in a fire-sale. I watched you, and really, it wasn't feelings you were eating, it was just fat food. And you were smiling as you were snuffling, and you were scoffing like there's a famine afoot? Dress for your weight, not for the skinny you hiding inside! That person may have well abandoned you for good!