Private Angel Log Entry Twenty-Two

"Well...as much as I don't want to, I think I need to get back to my boys," Bob announced, his voice sounding abnormally loud compared to the tranquil silence we had previously been cocooned in.

When I glanced skyward, I saw that night was falling already, and I knew that we would have to leave soon too. I was reluctant to move though, and it showed in my actions as I slowly dragged myself to my feet. I had been sitting next to Gerard's grave for some time now, gazing down at his still face as silent tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Don't be a stranger okay?" I clasped Bob's hand in mind as I spoke.

"I won't. Once we all get settled down again, I'll pop in for a visit. Maybe you archangels could find some work for us to do. We will probably get fucking bored without all this angel drama anyway," Bob chuckled quietly.

"I'm sure we will find plenty of stuff to keep you busy." His idea was a good one; having demons willing to work with Heaven was something that I wouldn't turn down, and I was sure the others would feel the same way.

"Heal up okay...and stay safe," Bob chided me gently.

"I will, and the same goes to you."

Bob said his goodbyes to the rest of our small group before winging off into the rapidly darkening sky, pausing for a moment to wave one last time. I was sad to see him go, he had become a good friend in the short time I had known him, but I knew we would meet again, hopefully sooner rather than later.

"We should probably head out soon too..." Ray said once Bob was completely out of sight.

"I need to stop off at the safe house first, I left the book of prophecies there, and I want to return it to Heaven," Billie added on.

"I need to go too, everything I have is there..." I agreed with Billie.

"I'll come with you guys, you will probably need some help carrying everything," Brendon chimed in.

"I think I'll take Mikey to Heaven, we will let everyone know where you went, and I need to start showing him the ropes of being an angel," Ray smiled down at Mikey, who nodded in agreement.

"Okay then, we will see you guys soon." Brendon pulled them both in for a quick hug before they took off as well.

"Why don't you want to go back to Heaven Brendon? We aren't bringing much back, and Ryan is probably there waiting for you already," Billie Joe asked in a concerned tone of voice. I hadn't thought about that until just now, but Billie was right; if I were Brendon, and my love was somewhere else, I would be eager to return to them.

"I do...it's just...I don't know. I'm scared I guess, because even though Ryan is there, it's not the Ryan I know. People change when they become angels..."

"He's still Ryan though, and he still loves you," Billie protested, a slightly confused expression on his face.

"But what if he doesn't? I am nothing like the person I was before I died. What if he doesn't want me like he did before?" Brendon's voice had taken on a despairing tone, and I didn't know what to say to comfort him.

"You are being ridiculous. You still loved Ryan after you died right? So he will too, and if by some chance he doesn't, you will never know until you face him," Billie retorted back.

"Well I -"

"Think about it Brendon, he is probably scared, and alone, and looking for you, and don't forget, he has no idea if you are still alive, so if I were you, I would go to him right now before he assumes the worst." Billie Joe was right, and I could tell that Brendon knew it.

"Yeah - okay, I'll go see him. Will you guys be okay alone?"

"Of course we will, I can carry Frank just fine on my own, so don't worry about us."

"Thanks Billie, for pointing out what an idiot I am. I'll catch up with you guys soon okay?" Brendon called out, wings already pumping in preparation for flight.

"Good luck," I called out quietly, but Brendon still heard me, turning back to give me a cheesy grin before pushing off the ground, leaving Billie and I alone, unless you counted Gerard and Ryan.

"Just let me know when you want to leave, there is no rush." Billie Joe settled himself on a tree stump as if to prove his point.

"Thanks...but we should probably go sooner rather than later. The longer I am here, the less I am going to want to leave," I answered truthfully, because even though I wanted to stay here at Gerard's grave until the end of time, I knew I had hidden from reality long enough already, and putting it off wasn't going to make it any easier.

"Whatever you want okay? I'm in no rush," Billie remarked causally, but I heard something else in his tone that I couldn't quite place.

"How did you know Brendon was scared to go back?" I questioned him curiously, because I hadn't picked up on it at all, and I had been friends with Brendon for much longer than Billie had, so I wanted to know how he picked up on it so quickly.

"I guess...because I am afraid too. I don't know how to be an archangel, I was barely even an angel before, just a test subject. Besides you, Brendon, and Ray, I really don't even know anyone else, and I - I don't know. It's just a lot to process." Billie Joe's shoulders slumped, and I knew he needed someone to comfort him, so even though I didn't feel up to the task, I tried my best.

"I know it is a lot to take in, but you don't need to worry okay? We will all be here with you, and we are all just as scared and freaked out as you are, but we will figure it out together." That was the longest sentence I had managed to string together since Gerard's death, and Billie's accompanying smile made me happy that I had put in the extra effort for him. I hadn't known him that long, but Billie Joe had become one of my closest friends recently, and I wanted to be there for him as much as he had for me.

"I know you are right, but can we at least wait until tomorrow to head back, I'm sure I will feel better about everything then," Billie asked, and I had to agree, taking a night to recuperate sounded like an amazing idea.

"Yeah of course, we can go organize the safe house and return to Heaven in the morning."

"You ready then?" Billie's gaze flickered to the fresh graves, but I didn't follow his line of sight. I didn't want to look at them right now, it hurt too much, and if I wanted to leave without bursting out in tears, I needed to ignore Gerard's face right now.

"Yeah...are you sure you can carry me?"

"Positive, I won't break any speed records, but you really aren't that heavy." Billie grinned slightly, and I tried to copy his expression, still failing to produce a true smile though.

"Okay then," I shrugged, relaxing as much as I could as Billie Joe put his arms around me, and soon enough, we were airborne as well.

We didn't speak during the flight, and I was just fine with that, the wind would have torn our words away anyway, and I didn't have the energy to shout. The safe house was a decent distance away from where we had buried Gerard, and I actually found myself dozing off as the night sky darkened and the stars came out. I hadn't slept properly since Gerard had been kidnapped, and the combined weight of all those sleepless night, as well as the stress of today had worn me out.

The next thing I knew, Billie was landing in front of the familiar house where I had spent my best days with Gerard. Nostalgia hit me like a hammer to the face, snapping me out of my half asleep state. When I had agreed to come back here, I hadn't truly thought it through. I had believed that staying by Gerard's grave was the most painful thing I could do to myself right now, but I had forgotten how many memories this place held, and now that I was faced with them, I wanted to leave immediately.

I didn't say anything though, for Billie's sake. The flight had been long, and he was tired, so I didn't want to make him take us somewhere else. Besides, he was right that we needed to collect the important books and other rare items that we had stored here, they shouldn't be left unattended for too long, but I wish I hadn't already promised to spend the night here.

Billie set me down gently when he noticed I was awake, and I nodded to him gratefully. We climbed the few steps leading up to the porch, and my eyes flickered to the spot where Gerard had admitted his Livian addiction to me not even two weeks ago. I remembered exactly how he had looked that day, cheeks red from the wind, eyes frightened and guilty, but still so beautiful, and so alive.

If Billie Joe noticed my momentary pause, he didn't say anything, and I was grateful for that. I didn't want to explain what was running through my head at this moment, and somehow, he seemed to sense that.

When I finally made my way inside, Billie was already sorting through the books and scrolls he had brought along, separating them in piles that I was sure made sense to him, but I couldn't discern the logic in his organization techniques just yet.

"I'm gonna be upstairs," I commented, and Billie responded with a grunt that I assumed meant he had heard me.

I climbed the creaky steps slowly, not anywhere near ready to face what had once been our room, but I needed a change of clothes at least, the ones I was currently wearing were blood soaked and tattered. What I really needed was a shower, but I knew I would fall asleep if I stood under a relaxing spray of water, so I put that off for now.

I had thought I was prepared for the pain of stepping into our room, but it was so much worse than I had imagined. My heart stuttered painfully as Gerard's familiar scent filled my nose, and I lost the war I had been waging with my unruly emotions, collapsing onto the bed as my sobs ripped their way out of my throat.

I knew Gerard was gone, and that I was going to have to learn to accept that, but right now, everything was so raw and fresh, I literally felt like I was being torn apart, and I didn't know how to survive this way.

I tried to keep quiet so Billie wouldn't hear me, but I failed miserably at that, and it wasn't long before I heard the door opening, and I knew I was no longer alone. I didn't move though, I couldn't, so I simply continued to cry, facing away from Billie so he wouldn't have to see me this way.

"Frank..." Billie sighed before sitting beside me on the bed, rubbing my shoulder soothingly. His attempt to comfort me backfired completely, and my tears came even more rapidly than before. I just wanted to be left alone so I could mourn in private, but I knew Billie wouldn't leave me in this condition.

"Ssh...it's gonna be okay," Billie whispered in a soothing voice.

"No it's not...fuck Billie, it hurts, it hurts so fucking much, and I don't think I can do this. How am I supposed to pretend like everything is okay when I feel like I'm dying without him?" I gasped out in-between my sobs, sitting up so I could face him properly.

"I don't know Frank...I wish I could fix this, but I can't. I do know that no one expects you to be perfectly fine okay? You are allowed to hurt, and cry, and eventually, it will get better. It hasn't even been a day yet...just hang in there okay?"

"What if it doesn't...fuck - I feel like I'm drowning, and I need Gerard to pull me back to shore, but he won't - he can't, and I should have fucking saved him, but I fucked that up...I -" I couldn't even continue, breathing had become difficult, and I was shaking so hard, I thought I might shatter into a thousand pieces. My chest began to ache, and I was beginning to panic slightly.

"Frank...come here, fuck - lay down before you hurt yourself." Billie forced me back onto the bed, wrapping his arms around me to still my trembling limbs.

"I can't breathe..." I choked out, trying my best to suck air into my lungs. Maybe I was getting my wish, and I was dying from a broken heart.

"It's okay Frank...I've got you. Don't bottle this up okay?" I tried my best to follow Billie's advice, because I realized now I was having an anxiety attack, which hadn't happen to me since before I died.

As I slowly lowered my defenses that I had built up around my internal sorrow, a wordless scream escaped my throat, and even though I felt my lungs beginning to work again, the intensity of my emotions was almost as bad as the feeling of suffocating.

I felt someone's hand slowly stroking my hair back from forehead, and for one second, I thought it was Gerard - he always loved doing that, but of course, it was Billie. He was still holding me, whispering soothing words in an attempt to calm me down.

I was a pathetic mess right now, but Billie didn't seem to care, and I was so grateful for his friendship in that moment. It felt easier to bear the crushing weight on my heart with someone else there, and I slowly felt myself relax, even though I was still sobbing quietly.

"Just sleep Frank...it will be easier to bear in the morning," Billie mumbled, and it was only then that I realized I was indeed drifting off.

Before I could utter a word of thanks, my eyelids were drooping downward, and I fell into slumber eagerly. I just wanted to forget about everything for a little while, and I prayed I wouldn't dream so I could do just that.

Ugh, I am not super happy with this chapter, but at least I update.

This was kind of just a filler, and I don't like the way it turned out, but I have wasted three days trying to fix this, so I give up for now.

Also, this might have a ton of errors, because I just got back from a concert, and I need to go to sleep, so I didn't give this a thorough read through.

This chapter is dedicated to XoLryn because I am sorry I made you cry but I am happy you are reading this story.

There isn't much left to this story, so just put up with me for a little while longer, and I promise it will get better ^_^

<3 starr