Private Angel Log Entry Twenty-One

"Frank...are you okay?" Billie Joe asked after a long period of silence, during which I had simply followed my friends aimlessly, leaving the blood stained sands behind us. I still clutched Gerard's body in my arms tightly; Brendon had offered to carry him for me, but I had refused, and he hadn't pressed the matter.

"No," I answered truthfully, because I wasn't okay, and I probably never would be, but that was just my new reality, and I would have to learn to deal with that.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't help you more," Billie whispered.

"It wasn't your fault. I'm just glad you are still alive."

"Do you want to bury him? I still need to lay Ryan to rest...I stored his body not far from here," Brendon choked out in a strained voice.

"Okay," I responded numbly, because even though I didn't want to put Gerard in the ground, I knew it was something that needed to be done. I cringed at the thought though, because then I would truly never be able to hold him again, and even though the body in my arms wasn't really Gerard - not anymore, because it was his laugh, and his smile, and his soul that made him who he was, not this shell of flesh and bone, but it was still the last tie I had to him.

"Ryan isn't too much farther...but I don't want to place his grave here, it's too barren. They both deserve to be buried somewhere beautiful," Brendon continued on, and I nodded in acknowledgement, trying my best to fight back the wave of jealousy that had risen in my heart.

Because - yes, Ryan had died, but Brendon would still be reunited with him. Any moment now, his soul would rematerialize in Heaven, and Brendon would have his lover back, but Gerard and I would never get that chance.

That wasn't to say that I didn't feel terrible that Ryan had fallen, because I did, but I couldn't squash my unruly emotions that envied Brendon this second chance. I would give anything for just one more minute with Gerard...

"I can't fly," I muttered quietly when I realized that everyone was waiting for my response, my wounded wing twitched as if to illustrate that fact. Even though Billie Joe had healed me, it had been a slapdash job, and only the wound had closed. My bones were still twisted and disfigured, and I wasn't sure if I would ever regain my gift of flight.

"It's okay, someone can carry you. Ray is going to join us soon with Mikey and Bob..." Brendon explained.

We walked a bit farther before reaching a natural cavern created out of rock and sand where Brendon had hidden Ryan's body. He gathered him into his arms in a manner similar to the way I was carrying Gerard, and I had to turn away from the sorrowful picture they presented.

I waited in silence for the others to arrive; Brendon was babbling on about some site he had picked out for the graves, but I didn't care. No matter where I laid Gerard to rest, it would never be good enough for him, not even if I built him a monument out of gold, but I knew that Brendon was just talking to cover up his pain, so I let him continue on without interruption.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed when I heard Ray and Bob's familiar flight pattern, and another that I didn't recognize. When I glanced up, my friends were winging their way toward us quickly, but that wasn't what made my lips twitch into the parody of a smile, a true grin was too much for me to produce right now.

No - it was the sight of Mikey's new wings that did that, because fuck they were beautiful. His feathers were almost pure white in color, and the thick plumage fit him much better than his old skeletal wings ever had.

"Hey guys," Mikey smiled as he touched down beside us, his happy expression falling from his face when he laid eyes on Gerard's body.

"Wow Mikey...your wings are amazing!" Billie Joe gushed, stepping closer to him so he could get a better look at his pinions.

"Yeah they kind of are, aren't they?" Mikey preened under the attention, and I was truly happy that at least one of the Way brothers had managed to become an angel, they both deserved that title.

"You were meant to be an angel Mikey," Ray blushed slightly as he spoke, but I was the only you who seemed to notice.

"Why didn't yours change Bob?" Billie asked, and it was only then that I realized that Bob's wings were the same as before, which meant that he had rejected God's gift.

"I've been a demon for too long, and it just didn't feel right. I was never meant to be an angel, and a lot of my boys decided not to become one either, so someone's got to lead those fuckers, and it might as well be me." Bob shrugged his shoulders uncomfortably.

"Where will you go?" Brendon questioned curiously.

"Fuck - I'm not sure yet...but we will figure everything out in time. We still have our spies in Hell, and we can snap up any newbies that don't want to be there, so there's that."

"Everything's changing..." I mumbled quietly, and even though I wasn't entirely sure why I chose to voice my random though - it was true.

Gerard and Patrick were gone, Mikey and Ryan were angels, and Bob was leaving, not to mention that I would soon be returning to Heaven, which had an entirely new dynamic now. It was so much all at once, and I just wanted to bury my head in the sand so I could have some time to process everything for a little bit.

"So...we doing this now or what?" Bob asked gruffly, but I could hear the suppressed emotion in his voice.

"Yeah...I think it would be best," Brendon answered for all of us.

"Frank can't fly...do you think you could carry him Bob?" Billie Joe saved me the trouble of repeating myself, and I was thankful to him. Talking was difficult right now, I was using up most of my energy just trying to hold back my tears.

"Yeah of course, thank fuck you are small, flying with both of you will be no problem." Bob motioned to Gerard's still body, and I nodded my thanks. I was nowhere near ready to let go of him yet, not that I ever would be.

"Follow me okay? I think I know a good location." Brendon made sure we all heard him before pumping his wings and lifting off into the air. Bob scooped me up like I weighed nothing, and I tried to relax as much as I could without dropping Gerard as he took off into the sky.

The flight didn't seem too long, but my concept of time was fuzzy, and I wasn't sure how much time we actually spent in the air. The landscape changed dramatically underneath us as we left the desert far behind, and soon we were flying over a dense forest instead of yellow sands.

I didn't spend much of my time sight-seeing though, instead, I stared at Gerard's peaceful face, trying to imagine him alive and flying beside me, not pale and lifeless in my arms. My fantasy wasn't really working, but it helped a little.

Finally, we touched down, and even I gasped at the grandeur of the surrounding area. We had landed at the base of a massive waterfall surrounded by gorgeous trees that I didn't know the name of. A river danced and rippled around us before plunging off the edge of the cliff, sending sparkling drops of water into the air as we watched.

"This is perfect," I whispered quietly. Everything from the remote location to the untamed beauty of this placed brought a sense of peace to my heart, and I could think of nowhere better to lay Gerard to rest.

"I thought the same thing," Brendon smiled sadly, setting Ryan's body down on the grassy ground.

With heavy hearts, we began the laborious task of digging their graves, which was sped along by Bob's claws, and sooner than I had expected, we had two deep holes carved into the loamy earth.

Releasing a tired sigh, I stepped back to where I had placed Gerard's body next to Ryan's, resting my hand on his unmoving chest as if to check one last time to make sure that he truly didn't draw breath any longer.

"Ready?" Billie Joe asked me warily, and even though I nodded, it was a lie. I would never be ready for this, how could I be? No one should have to bury the love of their life, but I had no other choice, and prolonging the inevitable would do nothing for me.

With shaking hands, I gathered Gerard in my arms for the last time, proceeding over to his grave with reluctant steps. When I reached the edge, I had to pause, because this was it, I was about to surrender Gerard forever, and it was so much more painful than I could ever imagine. All of the physical agony I had been in combined was nothing compared to this, and I was surprised my heart didn't explode under the strain of so much sadness.

I didn't notice Brendon stepping up beside me, actually, I didn't even realize that anyone else was here besides Gerard and I. The world had shrunk down to just the two of us, and I wanted to pause this moment forever. Then I wouldn't have to take this final step, I wouldn't truly have to say goodbye, but the world didn't work that way, of course it didn't, and I knew I would have to proceed with this makeshift funeral soon.

I still took a few moments though, brushing Gerard's hair back from his face before pressing one last kiss to his cold forehead. I had to let him go, but it was so hard, I felt as if I was ripping myself apart as I slowly lowered his body down into the shadowy hole.

Once he hit the bottom, I snatched my hands away as if burned, because I knew if I didn't release my hold on Gerard now, I would throw myself into the grave with him, and no one would be able to make me leave him.

I assumed that Brendon repeated my actions, but I couldn't see him through the tears that were blurring my vision. I faintly heard Mikey's sobs behind me, along with the sound of dirt being moved, and I knew Bob was burying Gerard, while Ray did the same to Ryan, but I couldn't look. I didn't want to watch Gerard's flawless face being covered up bit by bit until I could no longer see him.

I shook softly as Bob continued his work, turning away so I wouldn't be tempted to do something stupid, like dig Gerard back up, or just lie down and die with him. Billie Joe silently slipped up beside me, resting a comforting hand on my shoulder in a wordless apology.

"Should we say something?" Ray asked quietly, dusting off his hands the best that he could.

"I - I don't know," Brendon stammered out nervously. Angels weren't good with funerals, because we didn't have them. When an angel died, their body disappeared, and we silently honored their memory, but there was no ceremony held in their honor, no headstone with their name carved into it, so this was an entirely new experience to all of us. Even when I had been alive, I had never attended a funeral.

"I'll miss you fucker," Bob whispered, leaning down to touch Gerard's grave gently.

"So will I, and I'll see you soon Ryan...I'm so sorry for every dragging you into this," Brendon sighed out before stepping back a pace.

"I didn't know either of you that well...but I wish I had." Ray mumbled awkwardly before heading over to stand behind Brendon.

"Gerard...you were the best brother anyone could ever ask for, and I can't believe you are gone..." Mikey started to say more, but he broke off in choking sobs before he could continue.

Billie Joe didn't step forward, so that left only me, and I didn't know what to say. Still, I crouched next to Gerard's grave, running my hand over the disturbed earth absentmindedly.

"I love you okay...so fucking much, and don't you forget it. I'll find you again, maybe not today, or tomorrow, but don't give up on me." I shuddered softly as I tried to regain my feet, but I stumbled from exhaustion, and I was only saved from falling on my face by Billie Joe's outstretched arm.

"Goodbye..." Billie whispered, placing a hand on first Ryan's grave, and then Gerard's.

"What the -" Billie exclaimed, and when I glanced down at his hand, which was still touching the ground, I noticed it had started to glow.

"Billie...what are you doing?" I questioned nervously.

"I - I don't know..."

As we watched, the soil under his fingertips began to shift and change, turning from its natural brown color to a crystal substance; it shimmered in the faint sunlight, casting a brilliant stream of colors into the air. The phenomenon continued downward until Gerard's body was visible, and as the colored light touched him, his features changed slightly: the blood caking his skin vanished, and his gaping wound closed up as I watched. He appeared to be embalmed, encased in a tomb of crystal the likes of which had never been seen before.

"How did you do that?" Mikey stepped closer, peering inside at Gerard, who truly appeared to be simply sleeping now, even though I knew he was still dead. For one crazy moment, I had hoped that Billie had found some way to do the impossible, but that was stupid; if God couldn't bring Gerard back to life, then there was no way Billie could.

"I have no idea...it just happened..." Billie stared at his hand in awe, and he looked more confused than all of us combined.

"Thank you Billie." I pulled him into a tight hug, because he had given me an amazing gift, and even if none of us understood how it happened, it didn't matter.

Because now I could continue to see Gerard whenever I wanted, and even though what I truly desired was him alive and healthy once more, this was much better than nothing, and I would always be grateful for this one small blessing. Being able to see his face when I was lonely and aching for him would help, and I knew I would be frequenting this site often.

Yay, I managed to finish this chapter today!

I keep making myself sad with this story, even though I know what is going to happen.

I know I said there was only going to be three more chapters like two chapters ago, but I guess I was wrong. I think there is three more after this, but don't hold me to that.

This chapter is dedicated to MarshmallowTheGamer for threatening to slap me with a tuna because of the last chapter.

P.S. Idk if anyone got notified that I updated Like Ghosts in the Snow...but yeah I did, so if you want to make me super happy, go give it a read ^_^

((((gerard dyed his hair vibes))))

<3 starr