*trigger warning*

Private Angel Log Entry Three

I don't want to be an angel anymore...what is the point if I can't help people. We carry on the facade that we are so righteous, but yet we ignore the millions of people suffering around us...I never noticed before, but meeting Gerard has made me rethink so many things...and what happened today was the final straw that broke my absolute belief in Heaven.

After I fled from Gerard, I went before one of the archangels and asked permission to act as a temporary guardian for Mikey; even though my main job was to kill demons before they could corrupt human souls, I was sure my request would be granted. So you can imagine my shock when the angel informed me that I had been denied guardian privileges...

"The constant battle between Heaven and Hell is much more important than any one soul. We cannot lose our best fighter at a time like this. I will add him to the list of those in need of a guardian, but you will not be it," he quoted as if reading from a textbook.

"You don't understand, he needs an angel with him now, not some time in the foreseeable future!" I pleaded desperately, but my words fell on deaf ears.

"The matter is closed," was the only reply I could coax out of him.

After the frustrating meeting, I hurled myself onto my bed as tears poured down my face. I had so badly wanted to help Gerard in this, he had trusted his brother's well-being with me, and I was failing him all because some asshole archangel thought that his soul didn't count in the grand scheme of things. Ray found me in this dismal state a few minutes later.

"What's wrong Frank? You haven't been yourself lately, and I hate seeing you like this." He lowered himself on the bed next to me, and I knew he wouldn't leave until I gave him some information.

"I put in a request to guard a soul and I was denied..."

"Oh...well the demon to angel ratio has become incredibly weighted on their end, and we need you. You kill more demons in a month than some of us do in a year."

"I know...I realize that is important, and I know I have a job to do, but this soul needs me...I promised someone I would look after him, and now I can't - I feel like a failure. What's the point of being an angel if I can't help people?"

"But you do help people Frank! By ridding the world of demons, you save so many souls that could potentially fall to Hell because of them. What's put these thoughts in your head?"

"I am not sure...lately I just feel like Heaven isn't all it is cracked up to be. Sometimes I think we are more worried about our standing with Hell than actually doing good deeds. I mean, more than half of our angels are soldiers, and there is so many other ways to help the world besides killing. This whole system is corrupt."

"I don't like what you are implying...don't tell me that human - or whoever you are seeing - is planting twisted ideas in your mind." Anger flared bright and hot within me. I knew Ray wasn't trying to antagonize me, but he was turning a blind eye to the problems he didn't want to acknowledge, and I was sick of it.

"If you just came in here to interrogate me, then you can walk back out that door. Just because I actually have some original ideas doesn't mean someone is corrupting me. Just look around you, obviously what we are doing isn't working! Our numbers are diminishing by the day, less and less people want to be angels - and you know what, I don't blame them!"

"Frank...what you are saying is treason..."

"I don't care anymore! If that is what it takes to bring about change, then I am willing to do it!"

"I can't listen to this anymore...you are my best friend, and I don't want to have to report you, but if you keep going on like this, I will have no choice."

"Leave then!" I screamed at him.

Shooting me a last pleading glance, Ray vacated the room as quickly as he could. I felt guilty for snapping at him that way, it wasn't his fault that everything in my life was going to Hell, but I had been holding these pent up emotions in for too long, and I had unloaded it all on him.

Still feeling antsy, I grabbed my broadsword and stalked out of my room. It would be more productive to take out my anger on some demons than my friends.

After I had slaughtered a basic demon who had been trying to convince a man to murder his wife, I wandered the streets aimlessly because I wasn't ready to return to Heaven just yet.

When I had finally calmed down a bit, I realized I had ended up in New Jersey; I told myself it was just an odd coincidence, and I hadn't purposely envisioned this place just because Gerard's brother lived here - of course that wasn't the case.

I tried to resist the temptation to take a quick peek to make sure he was all right, but I was fighting a losing battle; if I just popped in, I wouldn't exactly be disobeying orders, I mean - I wasn't acting as his guardian, I was just going to see how he was doing so I could reassure Gerard that his brother was still surviving.

Going on Gerard's description of where Mikey had been staying before his death, I turned invisible and canvased the area until I spotted the innocent looking apartment. As I reached the right door, I sensed a human soul inside, which meant Mikey was home, and I wouldn't have to waste time searching for him. I could feel the similar resonance that reminded me of Gerard, and I smiled fondly.

Just then, I felt a waver in the soul's connection to the body...that only happened when someone was close to death! Using all of my strength, I broke the door down and rushed inside, losing my invisibility in the process, but I couldn't be bothered to care if anyone saw a strange man suddenly appear and break into an apartment, I had bigger worries at the moment.

I quickly scanned the entryway, but saw no one, so I continued on into the bedroom with fear threatening to paralyze me. The sight that met my eyes when I crashed into the small dimly lit room almost brought me to my knees with the horror of it.

Mikey lay sprawled on the floor in a pool of blood and vomit, an empty bottle of vodka on the nightstand accompanied by a bloodied razor and a bottle of pills. In my heart, I knew it was too late to save him, but I had to try something.

I called all of my powers to bear, but I was no healer, all I ever did was destroy. As I tried to staunch the heavy flow of blood from his wrists, I pleaded to God, or anyone else that could hear me to save this boy. I would give anything in that moment to ensure that he kept living.

But my futile efforts were in vain, and as I held Mikey in my arms, I felt his soul detach from his body and descend into Hell. Never before had I actually witnessed this...either I killed the demon before he could influence his target any further, or I fled.

Having someone die in my arms was the worst feeling I have ever experienced...and Gerard had to go through this almost every day. How could he possibly endure this much pain and still possess such a beautiful soul?

My respect for him grew a thousand fold even as my heart ripped in two as I realized I would have to break the news of his brother's tragic death to him - oh god, Gerard didn't deserve this, and neither did Mikey.

Gingerly, I picked Mikey up off the floor and laid him in his bed, arranging his body to make him look as peaceful as possible. If I had come sooner, I may have been able to save him...I was such a failure...if Gerard didn't already despise me, then this would do it for sure.

I returned to Heaven in a cloud of depression. Ignoring everyone that tried to speak with me, I barricaded myself in my room and tried to banish the vision of Mikey's still body, which was permanently imprinted on my brain.

Just as I was dozing off in a pathetic attempt to escape my overwhelming guilt, I jolted up so fast I almost hit my head on the backboard of my bed.

"Frank!" Gerard's voice wailed inside my head.

The sheer agony I felt in his call hit me like a blow to the gut. I hadn't even stopped to think that because Mikey was a demon now, Gerard would have already found out about his death, but I knew nothing else could cause him this much anguish...oh my poor demon, he must be in so much pain...

Even though I knew facing him in this condition was dangerous, as enraged as he was, he could end up killing me, I had to go to him, and if I did perish at his hands, I deserved it for failing him and Mikey.

I gave myself feels writing this one...poor Mikey...and now Frank feels responsible. Why am I so mean to them?

Anyway, I can't believe this fanfic has gotten 200 reads already! Thank you guys, seriously, this is the best response I have ever gotten to a fanfic on this site, and it really means a lot to me!

And sorry if any of you are reading my other fanfics, I really am trying to update them, but I seem to keep getting ideas for this one every time I write!

So stick around for the next update loves

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