Private Angel Log Entry Sixteen

Everywhere I looked, it was only blood and sand and death. Demons lay wounded and dying across the battlefield, with only a few fallen angels here and there, the dead having already evaporated into the air, causing a golden sheen to hang around us as we flew.

I tried to return to the original position I had first seen Gerard in, but everything was in chaos now, and I wasn't even sure if I was heading in the right direction or not anymore. I had made the mistake of losing sight of him earlier when Patrick had fallen, and now I had no idea where he was. He wouldn't have been able to run, he had been chained to the cart from what I could tell, but someone might have removed him from the area.

As I continued my search, I kept an eye out for my friends. Bob had managed to rally most of his demons back into some sort of formation, and they were doing their best to hold their line as they slowly retreated away from the most heated parts of the battle. It was too dangerous for them to take to the air and flee immediately, archers on both sides were picking people off left and right, and a mass group would be an easy target right now.

I caught sight of Ray and Mikey fighting back to back against a horde of demons as they tried to reconvene with the main group. Swooping lower to the ground, I beheaded three of their attackers, allowing them to take out the rest with little resistance.

They waved their swords toward me in thanks, and I returned the gesture before darting off again, scanning everywhere my eyes could reach in search of my demon.

"Fuck - this isn't going to work!" I shouted out in frustration, twisting around to see if either Billie or Brendon had been having better luck spotting Gerard.

"Where's Brendon?" I asked warily when I noticed that only Billie was hovering behind me.

"Uh...he took off. He's worried that the fighting is spilling too close to where Ryan is hiding, so he wanted to go make sure he was all right," Billie yelled to be heard over the sound of clashing swords and the screams of the dying.

"Fuck! He shouldn't have gone alone..." I alit on a quiet sand dune, trying to decide what to do now that finding Gerard was proving harder than I thought. From this vantage point, I could see the entire battle spilling out in front of my eyes. It was mostly isolated pockets of conflict, but in the center, I could see Lucifer and Oliver getting their troops in order, and I realized that the true clash hadn't even happened yet.

"Billie...you have to tell me. I know you don't want to, but I need to know...does Brendon die today?" I couldn't lose anyone else when I might be able to do something about it.

"No...his aura is the same as always, but that doesn't mean that Ryan won't. I can't tell with humans," Billie whispered softly.

"So does that mean Brendon is safe?" I pressed him, because I had to do everything in my power to keep everyone alive.

"Well - uh...no, not exactly. His aura could change at any time. If Ryan dies, his entire emotional structure would crumble, reshaping his fated death, not to mention that he could simply throw himself into the battle and try to die. It's not set in stone...I'm sorry - it's hard to explain," Billie rattled out quickly, still trying to catch his breath from our extended flight.

I wasted precious seconds debating on what to do. Gerard had been the whole reason for this entire debacle, and I knew my friends and allies wouldn't vacate the battlefield until I found him, but I had no idea where he was, and I wasn't sure how much longer it would take to locate him.

On the other hand, I knew where Brendon was right now, and if something happened to him or Ryan while I searched for Gerard, I would never forgive myself, but if they were both fine, and I missed out on my chance to save Gerard, that would actually kill me.

I hated this responsibility that had been placed on my shoulders, and I was terrified of making the wrong decision. These people were out here fighting and dying for Gerard and I, and I felt liable for anything that occurred because of that.

"Shit...we have to go find Brendon..." I wasn't sure if I had made the right choice, but I still hadn't spotted the flash of red hair that would signify Gerard's presence, and it would only take a few minutes to check on Brendon and Ryan.

Billie nodded in understanding before we took off in the direction of where Ryan had hidden away, pushing our wings to their limit so we could escape the archers that were trying to lock onto our positions.

Sure enough, the fighting had spilled over to where Ryan had tried to sequester himself away. We had been foolish to believe that he would be safe, but he had refused to move even further from the battle.

I didn't see Ryan or Brendon anywhere, just unfamiliar demons and angels doing their best to destroy each other. I scanned the bodies littering the ground, but they weren't among them either, thank god for that.

"They are over there!" Billie touched my shoulder to get my attention, and when I turned my gaze to where he was pointing, I finally saw Brendon flying off to the east, with Ryan in his arms.

"I'm going to tell them to leave, we can find Gerard without them," I informed Billie Joe before heading in their direction, moving slowly in order to avoid the numerous confrontations happening all around me.

I was about halfway to their position when I noticed that Brendon had landed for a moment, I couldn't tell why, but he had his back turned to me, and he seemed to be saying something to Ryan.

Because of his position, he didn't notice the demon slinking up behind them...and I was still too far away to cut the creature down.

"Brendon!" I screamed as loudly as I could, but it wasn't enough, because Brendon didn't move at all, and he failed to notice his impending doom. I forced myself to fly faster, but I had to pause to cut down a demon that was trying to hack off my feet as I flew by.

Billie helped me slay my attacker, but we had taken too much time, and the demon was directly behind Brendon now, his sword raised and ready to plunge into his back.

This was going to be Patrick's death all over again...I couldn't do anything to stop it, and I wanted to cry out in frustration at the unfairness of the world.

"Brendon - turn the fuck around!" I screeched out, but the distance was still too great, and I had only attracted more attention to myself with my cries, causing numerous demons to rush at me, blocking my path to Brendon's side.

Billie - help him!" I begged, trying my best to fight while still keeping an eye on Brendon, even though why I wanted to see another friend fall was a question I could not answer.

Billie took off in Brendon's direction, but he was a much slower flier than I was, and I knew he wasn't going to make it in time.

I finished off the demons surrounding me, wiping blood and sweat out of my eyes hastily while praying to my absent God that Brendon would not die today.

At the very last second, Brendon was shoved out of the way, but not by Billie Joe - instead, it was Ryan who had removed Brendon from harm's way, placing himself in it instead.

"No - fuck no!" I cried, shoving myself off the ground in a pointless attempt at stopping the inevitable.

I failed again, it seemed I was destined to fuck everything up today, and I screamed as the demon's sword pierced Ryan's flesh. I knew I would never forget the look of shock on his face, which quickly morphed into a grimace of agony as the demon removed his weapon from Ryan's chest.

Billie had finally reached them at this point, and he cut down the demon with more fury than I believed him capable of possessing, hacking his body to pieces until I alit at his side and pulled him off the dismembered creature.

"Billie...fuck Billie - stop. It's over..." I whispered quietly to him, trying to remove his sword from his blood stained fingers.

"It's not fair..." Billie choked out, staring down at his hands as if he didn't even realize they were his.

"I know..." I held his shaking form against my chest, trying to calm him down.

I glanced over his shoulder to see Brendon clutching Ryan's bleeding body, sobbing quietly against his torn chest. I knew there was nothing I could do for either of them now, so I continued to console Billie as I kept an eye out for any approaching demons.

"Ry - baby...hang on okay? I'm going to get you some help," Brendon stuttered out, removing his shirt so he could press the fabric against his gaping wound.

"I'm sorry Bren, I just had to save you. You can't die again...but I can. I will see you soon anyway," Ryan coughed weakly, blood flecking his lips with each word.

"I know, but fuck - I didn't want this for you...Heaven is so fucked up, everything is, and I don't even know if I will be able to get up there now." Brendon's hands trembled violently, and I felt as if I was invading their private moment.

"I trust you Bren..."

"Fuck Ry - don't do this to me...you are going to be okay!" Brendon cried out, pressing down even harder onto Ryan's chest, ignoring the way blood was seeping through the makeshift bandage.

"I love you baby..." Ryan gasped out before his eyes fluttered shut and a wracking cough shook his entire body.

"No...no - this is not okay. Wake up Ryan! Fuck - I love you too...but you have to stay awake okay...please?" Brendon started shaking Ryan, but even I could tell from where I stood that his breathing had ceased, and he was gone from this world.

"Brendon...he's gone." I crouched down beside him, gently touching his shoulder as he rocked Ryan back and forth in his arms. Billie stood numbly beside me, hopefully keeping guard while I was distracted.

"This is all my fault...I shouldn't have brought him..." Brendon sobbed brokenly, refusing to meet my eyes as he spoke.

"This isn't your fault Bren...it's mine...I'm so sorry," I whispered softly.

"I couldn't say no to him...he was so determined that everything was going to be okay, and I believed it...I might as well have killed him myself."

"Don't say that, blame me if anything, I was there one who dragged you all out here because of Gerard."

"We all wanted to come Frank, his death isn't on you..." Billie spoke up softly, but his words did nothing to soothe the bitter pit of self-hatred that was boiling in my stomach.

"Did you find Gerard?" Brendon asked after a few moments of silence.

"No...not yet."

"Then what the fuck are you doing here?" Brendon finally met my gaze, and it physically hurt me to see his destroyed expression.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay..." I trailed off, because it didn't matter what I had intended, I hadn't managed to save anyone in the end.

"You are such an idiot...get back out there Frank!" Brendon wiped his eyes hastily before stumbling to his feet, gently setting Ryan down in the process.

"I - I can't find him..." I struggled to hold back my own tears. Everything else had gone to shit already, and I didn't even know if Gerard was still alive or not.

"Then go look! I will be right there to help...I just want to move Ryan's body somewhere safe so I can bury him later on."

"No...please don't...I can't let anyone else die today."

"We aren't leaving you now Frank, so just shut the fuck up and go save your man." Brendon leaned down to gather Ryan into his arms, tucking him close against his chest as if he was still alive, and my heart shattered at the sight.

"I'm so sorry..." I knew I was repeating myself, but I couldn't help it. Ryan - sweet, innocent Ryan, was dead, and it was all because of me.

"It's really okay Frank...he is going to be an angel now, that's what he wanted, and even though losing him like this hurts so fucking much, he's not really gone, but Gerard will be if you don't find him." I knew what Brendon was saying was true, but it didn't matter, Ryan had still died in a confrontation that had nothing to do with him, and I would carry that guilt for the rest of my life.

"I just...I can't do this. My friends are all dying...and Gerard could already be dead, or on his way back to Hell -"

"Frank - snap out of it! You can't help him standing here, so go find out okay?" Brendon growled at me, and I needed the harsh words to force my body into action.

"Come on Frank." Billie tugged on my hand, and I realized that they were right.

I was being selfish trying to drown in my self-pity while Gerard was still out there, and I had to shove everything down for now, hopefully I would have time to truly apologize later, and if I didn't...well then I would probably be dead, and it wouldn't matter then.

"Okay - I'm going." I flexed my wings once before taking to the air, Billie following behind me dutifully.

I choked back my sobs as I flew, trying my best not to watch Brendon retreating with Ryan's still form clutched in his arms. My limbs felt heavy, as if my body was weighed down by the immense amount of sorrow I was carrying inside my heart. I had to make up for all of my mistakes, and the only way I could do that would be to return with Gerard. If I didn't, this entire battle would have been for nothing, and everyone would have died in vain...

I'm so sorry...I am not trying to break your hearts, but I kind of needed Ryan to be an angel for what I have planned in the sequel, so this had to happen.

I have to say, reading through all of your reactions on the last chapter kind of made my day, I am such an asshole, so I am excited to see what you have to say about this one.

Fucking hell - this story basically gained 1k reads in one day, I should kill people off more often (not really).

I am on a roll now since I started writing this whole battle scene, so hopefully I will have the next chapter up tomorrow night.

((((don't die on me vibes))))

<3 starr