Gerard's POV:

Pain.

It consumes me...destroys me...it has become me.

I am blistering agony - no longer am I a person with thoughts, and emotions, and feelings. I am pain - pain is me - whatever else I was has been erased by this unending torment.

I never imagined anything like this, and I had been through quite a bit in my short life span. Killing myself hurt much more than I thought it would; my stomach felt as if I had poured fire into it instead of pills and vodka, and the convulsions ripped their way through my body in tortuous waves.

But that was nothing compared to this, even being sliced open by that demon seemed paltry in comparison. I laugh at myself now, I was so naive to think that I knew true agony.

Even when I had been healed by Frank's holy fire; which I had previously thought to be the worst feeling I had ever experienced, it seems so small a thing now. That pain is something I would gladly beg for every day if it freed me from what I am currently going through.

I don't know how this happened, I had been so careless to allow those demons to sneak up on me unaware. I should have sensed them, even though I was suffering from the side effects of my Livian withdrawal.

Still, I fought viciously, incapacitating at least two of them before they brought me to my knees, filling my body with poisoned arrows so I could not escape. There was just too many of them...at least ten against my one, and I never even had a chance.

I screamed for help, desperate for someone to come save me, but I had wandered too far away from the house, and no one heard my cries.

I cannot recall much else after that point, the venom addled my brain and left me paralyzed and weak. I know that they dragged me to Hell...before Lucifer himself.

I spit in his face, which was something I had been longing to do since the moment I met him. That of course earned me a hard slap across the cheek, but it didn't matter. Nothing I did would save me from whatever fate he had in mind for me. I had committed the ultimate taboo of running away, and now I was finally paying the price for my deed.

Apparently stealing the Livian had been the last straw, according to Lucifer, he had been willing to let me wander earth for a time until he could be bothered with me, but taking his valuable stash right under his nose had inflamed his rage, and he had forced all of his trackers to the surface with orders not to return until I was found.

It was worth it though...because Mikey was safe. I knew the demons hadn't caught him. They didn't even seemed bothered by the fact that he was still out there, free from Lucifer's grasp, and I wasn't going to bring that to their attention anytime soon.

He is safe I think, surrounded by angels that can protect him. Even Lucifer wouldn't dare to face that many of them at once. It is hard to bring their names to mind, but I know they exist, and I trust them to watch over Mikey when I cannot.

I am trapped in the Wastelands now, frozen here for any demon to come torment me as they please, and many have taken the opportunity to gloat over how Lucifer's golden boy has fallen so far. I find it laughable that I never even realized how highly Lucifer regarded me until just now, but evidently he had great hopes for me, and I found joy in the fact that I had dragged those through the dust.

Lucifer himself has visited me quite often, and those are the worst torture sessions by far. He knows exactly how to inflict the most pain without causing me to pass out, and even though I try my best to conceal my screams and whimpers, he manages to elicit them from me every time.

I have no concept of how long I have been trapped here...for days surely, even though it feels like weeks. A minute stretches to eternity in my mind, and I cannot judge the passing of time by the sun and stars, it is always dark and foggy in the Wastelands.

I will die here - I know it. I am already a shell of whoever I once was, and even if someone were able to save me, my mind would be ruined. I don't want that to happen though, I can't let anyone risk getting trapped here with me all in a pathetic bid to save my already ruined soul.

Everything that once defined me is being slowly stripped away - bit by bit. My memories are fading into nothing, each time I am tortured, I lose a bit more. I cannot remember anything about my life before I became a demon besides a few small facts, and I think even some of my more recent life has begun to disappear - it is hard to tell once you have forgotten it.

I barely even remember my name anymore. I have to repeat it to myself constantly in the few moments I am left by myself.

I am Gerard —

I am Gerard Way.

Son of Donald and Donna Way.

Brother to Michael James Way...

But that is not the memory I struggle the hardest to hold onto. Even if I forget who I am, I cannot allow myself to forget him.

Frank

I fill my head with images of my angel. It helps a bit - not enough though, and I know that eventually, I will forget him too, and when that happens, I will die. Maybe not physically; because I am sure Lucifer intends to torture me until the end of time, but mentally, I will no longer exist.

I dig through what is left of my memory banks again, because I have actually been left alone for a short time. Lucifer called all the demons away for some sort of meeting....and I can't bring myself to care enough to discover what it is about.

I envision Frank's gorgeous face, the way his dark hair flips over his forehead carelessly, no matter how many times he tries to brush it away with his hands. The way his tattoos ripple when he moves, he is a work of art on a living breathing canvas, and I never got the chance to tell him that in person. He would laugh at me for that comment - I can almost hear his giggle - a sound that never fails to bring a smile to my face.

I recall the way it felt when he would wrap his arms around me in my sleep, how I would be instantly comforted by his simple presence. I looked forward to bed every night simply because we would be alone together, and even if we were just lying there, I enjoyed every second that was spent with him.

My favorite memory by far is the sparks that would emit from our conjoined lips, the indescribable feeling when we would become one. Never before in my life have I felt so loved and happy...and now I will never feel that way again.

I treasure each mental image I have of him, keeping them at the forefront of my mind so that hopefully, they will be the last thing that fades away when I am truly broken.

Oh god Frank...I can't even image what he is doing right now. He must have found the signs of my fight with the demons, and it is not a far jump to guess what had happened to me.

Is he hanging on without me? I can't stand the thought of him shedding tears for my sake, and I am not there to brush them away and offer him comfort. He was so afraid for me when I went to Hell to gather the Livian for Mikey...what must he be feeling now?

Even though the last thing I want is for Frank to put himself in any danger, I can't help but wonder why he hasn't come looking for me. It doesn't matter anyway - I am too damaged to be saved; but I ache to see his face one more time before the end. What I wouldn't give to have him encase me in his wings and whisper to me that everything was going to be okay, even though we would both know that is a lie.

I cannot think like this, it will only make me weaker. Frank can't help me - no one can, and I just need to accept my fate and be glad that I experienced the joys of loving Frank, even though our time together was cut much too short.

"Wakey wakey fucker," an unfamiliar voice hissed, and I kept my eyes closed in a pointless act of defiance. It wasn't like I was actually asleep - how could I be when they kept me in such horrendous conditions?

"Fine, make it more difficult for yourself. That just means more fun for me," the demon hissed, and I braced myself for whatever was coming next. I heard an all too familiar crack, and I knew without looking that he had chosen the whip to torture me with today.

My body trembled beneath his blows, but I stayed silent. This demon had not yet perfected the art of delivering pain; I had been subjected to much worse recently, or maybe I was just growing hardened to it all because I was always in agony now.

That wasn't to say it was a pleasant experience though, and when he was finally done, I was a bleeding mass of flesh. Once he was out of earshot, I allowed a small whimper to escape my mouth, I hated giving them the satisfaction of making me cry out; it was too demeaning, so I withheld my voice until I was alone.

The pain had not faded with his departure, instead, it seemed to be growing steadily stronger with each passing second. I still healed - albeit much more slowly than I should have. I wondered if that was an effect of the Wastelands, or if they had coated all the instruments of torture with Silverthorn, the same substance the first demon that tracked me down had put on his claws. It didn't matter though - nothing really mattered anymore.

I fell back into my routine that I had made for myself every time I was left to my own devices. I could feel my mind beginning to unhinge, and I knew it wouldn't be long before my constant recitation of my memories would no longer be enough, but for now, it was all I had in the way of defense.

I am Gerard Way

My brother is Mikey Way.

I am in love with Frank

He is my angel

Frank...

I missed him so badly that even just thinking his name hurt right now. Tears were streaming down my face without me even being conscious of the fact.

Maybe it would be better to forget him...then I would have nothing left to miss, no recollections of better times torturing me with the perfection of what we once had.

I should just let myself go, if I lose my mind here, I won't even realize what I am missing out on - maybe that will lessen the pain.

I don't want to think anymore, I am tired of these feelings of remorse and abandonment. The agony of being separated from Frank is one thousand times worse than the most extreme beatings I have received in my time here.

A small part of me realizes that this is exactly what Lucifer wants me to do, he wants to break me down until I am no longer recognizable, and I don't want to let him win.

But I am so tired...my entire being is crumbling, and I am helpless to do anything except sit back and watch.

I am breaking...

I can't do this...

It is too much...

Frank - I will always love you...

But I have to let you go...

I am giving up...

I am no longer Gerard Way...

I am nothing...

I am only pain...

Well this chapter gave me major feels to write.

I am sorry it's so short, but I couldn't think of what else to add without repeating myself (which I already did quite a bit).

This chapter is dedicated to SPNLoneWolfLOKI because they pretty much binge read this story and I love reading your reactions to my SPN references ^_^

This story is really close to ending, maybe five or so more chapters? I am not one hundred percent sure, but don't forget, there will be a sequel.

Well I am starving, so I am going to go try to find some food.

((((hungry vibes))))

<3 starr