44.
chapter forty-four:
one cannot adore
two people at
once before
turning into a
shoujo protagonist,
right?

It was taking a fraction of my mind; seeing Serena crowded around.

Misty's voice broke my reverie. "Ash—"

"I'm trying, Misty!"

"I didn't even begin—"

"I'm trying to not think about that!" I nodded towards where the honey-blonde girl was.

A frown grew on Misty's face. "That's not the point. I'm urging you to talk to her!"

I narrowed my eyes at her as a strange feeling overtook my chest and shook my head vigorously, crossing my arms over my heart. "No!"

"Why not?"

"Because—" I flushed, knowing the reason I was giving would be childish. "She's nothing but a distraction!"

"I only signed up to become a leader because of your insecurity!" she admitted fiercely. "Because you thought she would grow close to Calem! If I were to defeat her, you wouldn't have to worry about that.

"When we are doing so much to set you guys up together, you're throwing yourself deeper into the pit rather than take our hands and climb up!"

I sighed, the telltale signs of a headache foreboding. "Misty, I'm trying to forget her," I confessed with a heavy heart, all the thoughts that had been running in my mind day and night, taking my time.

"Why?"

I looked down at my boots. The red of them twirled to black as it descended to the sole, just the way I was feeling anger seep into regret. "I'm not being a gentleman in love, Misty. And I," I shivered. "I don't wanna turn into him."

"People fall in love in mysterious ways." I turned to her sharply, but she had a blazing look in her eyes. "Be it a touch of the hand, or by listening to his or her voice, or just their smile; it doesn't matter.

"Don't keep making the same mistakes, Ash. Don't push away the only girl who showed you what sunlight was way before any of us came. Don't do it again. You've hurt Delia as it is by pushing her away. Not again. Not to Serena."

Having said her point, Misty bolted to her feet and stomped out of the classroom. I absent-mindedly stared at the girl a row away. She looked visibly panicked as Calem was telling her something. Gary was present there too, and I wondered what they were talking about.

I closed my eyes, hunching over the table to a sleeping position. Thoughts swarmed my mind. Every incident until then had been vivid as day, but then Misty just spat out the truth and shook me to reality, and everything faded back into a blur.

What was I running away from?

As days passed, and with each letter I received from Butterhead, my regret only began taking root further into the garden bed of my mind.

I had been under the impression that she was the reason for failing the captaincy test when it had been my blind anger. Anger for what exactly, I didn't know.

The more I pondered—the more I ignored her—the more it hurt. At least I had someone writing me unknown letters of optimism, but who did she have? All I ever spotted on that pretty face of hers was a deep frown, hidden behind that perfect fake smile.

Lysandre's therapy was only worsening. One afternoon, I ran into him in a deserted classroom when I only needed some time off alone after waking up from yet another nightmare.

"There you are. I gave you the privilege of choosing the time slots, but never did I estimate you would take it so leisurely," he reprimanded.

"Ash, I want you to picture a cozy home and your family in it. It's a normal life, nothing out of the ordinary. How does it sound?"

"Terrible," I retorted, shaking with controlled anger. "I don't have a normal life, nor do I wish to give myself false hopes! Sir," I added the term as an afterthought. "Even if the situation hurts me, I'll bleed and let it out rather than give myself a faux reason to wake up to!"

I ran out then, as far as my legs could take me, and didn't stop until I reached the locker rooms, where I found yet another letter from Butterhead. It didn't help much, but at least it reminded me there was a reason to smile: I was getting closer to finding out who she was.

After all, she had confessed to hearing Misty and me about the imagined hairstyle of the girl I liked. It could only mean that she was in my class. There were only a handful of girls in my class that I actually talked to, besides Misty and May. The list would start from Lillie, Lana, Mallow, Lisia, Shauna, and end with Serena.

I had a faint flicker of doubt if Butterhead was Serena. Who but she knew I loved Pokémon and had Discord?

The thought excited me, even if a tint of foreboding lingered in the back of my mind. If Serena was writing to me, maybe she wasn't mad at me, and with the words she was using, could it be possible that she liked me back, too?

When the letter the next day asked me to respond with a red ribbon should I wish for her to stop, I was terrified. Whoever Butterhead was had rubbed off a tinge of happiness on me despite everything going around, and I didn't want her to stop.

"Hey, May?" I found myself asking the girl what color would correspond to 'yes.' "What color would you wear if you wanted to convey a note of affirmation to someone?"

May looked mildly surprised; nevertheless, she answered. "I guess blue? It's a pretty one, and it means peace. You know, peace treaties between nations are to stop with war and agree on something."

I felt satisfied with the answer, so that evening I purchased a blue ribbon from the craft store and placed it in my locker the next morning. As anticipated, Butterhead's response letter that evening showed her puzzlement. Nevertheless, she wrote the next day, and the next as well.

At one point, she had me moved with her words, and I was afraid if the sunrise Serena had shown me was being replaced by the sunset that Butterhead was.

One couldn't possibly adore another person while already liking another, right?