Disclaimer: The following book critique is intended to provide constructive feedback and suggestions for improvements, and is not a substitute for professional book editing services. It should not be considered a definitive assessment of the book's quality and potential. The author is highly encouraged to consider these comments as a starting point for further enhancing and refining their work, but ultimately, the power to make final decisions regarding their work rests solely with them.

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Title: That Gangster Has a Secret
Author: rowanderlust
TEE Critic: SujinXi

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STORY INFORMATION.

"Who is this?" is the first question that came to mind when I first saw the book cover. It piques my curiosity, but given the book cover's understated design, it doesn't make a strong first impression on me. It's not the typical book cover I am looking forward to, given that your main genre is fantasy. While the dark color palette provides a hint that it will involve action (your subgenre), it doesn't fully capture the genre convention for fantasy. Typically, the covers of fantasy novels use vibrant colors and magical elements, just some of the details I expected to see in your book cover. Now, if you want to focus on your story's dark aspects by covering your main character on your book cover, I suggest that you include a dramatic or action-packed pose. Moreover, you may consider incorporating elements like fantastical landscapes or anything from your storyline that will create symbolic imagery for a fantasy novel. Instead of a generic typography, perhaps you may combine elements of a more ornate and medieval aesthetic with bold, strong lines to complement your chosen genres. Also, consider the target audience of your book. This way, you can decide on the elements that you'll use to make the book cover more appealing to them.

"That Gangster Has a Secret" is neither lengthy nor short for a book title. It has a bit of mystery in it. However, if I just read the title without the book cover and blurb, I'll think that it falls under teen fiction or action and not fantasy. But surely, it makes me wonder what the story is all about. The title is somewhat predictable because of its cliché nature, so it may not be the most attention-grabbing to some readers. On the other hand, it can surely attract the attention of those who like reading stories about gangsters, action, and the like. But if you want to add a bit more mystery in it to hook not just those who like teen fiction, you may drop the "gangster" word and think of something that will become your story's symbolism. Perhaps something that will make your fantasy elements more pronounced.

The blurb provides a gist of what the story might be about. I can envision the sense of mystery and intrigue that you want to establish because it mentions that there will be hidden identities and dangerous secrets, as well as it establishes a clear conflict in the story. However, the blurb doesn't fully stand out to me when it comes to the part where "jumble of crucial names" and "strings of unspoken" were mentioned. These two feel a bit cliché. My suggestion is that you provide more details about the challenges that the main character will face. Also, you can clarify the setting by explaining more about the academy or by emphasizing the significance of the "old world of the living and the decay." If these two suggestions are too much, you can opt for incorporating vivid and descriptive language instead to create a stronger image of what the story is about in the reader's mind.

NARRATIVE ELEMENTS.

The choice of the main character's second name, Honor, is a clever nod to current events and issues within our government. It is somehow interesting how you've managed to incorporate contemporary issues into your narrative, which gives the readers a sense of relevance and timeliness. Also, the pseudonym "M" and the entire mysterious aura of this character had me on a hook, making me want to know more about them. The character is unapologetically herself, which is a good character trait given that there are established traditional norms and expectations in the academy to be challenged, and I am living for this type of character. However, it makes me think about her weakness-what gives her the ick? As for the other characters, I haven't seen their character development yet because there was limited interaction with the main character. So far, the characters' motivations and actions are believable and consistent.

There are only five published chapters of your story, but I can already tell that the world-building will be well executed if you successfully establish a believable and immersive atmosphere and environment that transports readers to this new world. There's enough mystery in it to keep me hooked, as well as the cliffhangers put in every chapter-they are used effectively in the storytelling and had me engaged because of the suspense. However, I can't help but notice the pacing; it feels slow-paced and drawn out because of the delayed introduction of the fantasy elements. I understand that you want to achieve a gradual buildup in the story. However, the first three chapters somehow made the story seem more inclined to mystery and action rather than fantasy, creating a struggle for readers to fully connect not just with the story but with its characters as well. It leads to missed opportunities, particularly since readers often expect a certain level of excitement and adventure when it comes to fantasy-action stories, which are stories that are supposedly fast-paced, thrilling, and unforgettable.

With that, I recommend dropping subtle clues or foreshadowing about the magical world that the characters live in to provide readers with a gist of what to expect in the latter chapters. The gradual introduction of your fantasy elements, even in the prologue, can help with your story-building and character development without potentially overwhelming your readers with too much information at once. Moreover, you can opt for strengthening your non-fantasy elements by adding more vivid descriptions and narrations. It is highly recommended to add more sensory details or create a specific atmosphere, particularly in the part where the main character first explores their cohort's house, looking for a room to live in. You can also make your imagery more impactful by choosing a tone that aligns with the mood of the scene.

Speaking of, before I forget, the scene in the prologue is a captivating introduction for setting your story's tone and gradually establishing the previous conflict between the main character and "M." The only thing I noticed is that it lacks more vivid descriptions of the setting. What we want is to enhance the reader's atmospheric experience to help them fully immerse themselves in your story and feel like they're a part of the world you created. Adding more vivid descriptions will make them feel like they're standing alongside the main character, particularly since your story has tension and mystery in it. I suggest trying to put yourself in the character's shoes and imagine what you'd do in a certain situation. This is the same technique I use, and it surely helps me in determining the details I'd like to make the readers feel.

The theme, although not original, has the potential to provide a lasting impact on the readers because it is mixed with action. It surely offers a unique take on fantasy. However, I couldn't truly discern if it'll be explored in depth or otherwise, given that there was little information given in the first five chapters. I think it's too early to provide a proper critique on this one, particularly since everything is still being introduced to the readers.

Aside from that, I think the plot is intriguing and may provide a unique story despite relying on clichés. At the same time, by the time I reached the fourth and fifth chapters, the plot suddenly felt rushed because of how fast-paced the scenes were. Although it was engaging, the information somehow felt overwhelming because it was dropped all at once. I don't think I was ready for it, and I barely registered everything in one sitting. Thus, as I stated earlier, I recommend considering spreading out the information gradually because the sudden shift in pace can leave readers feeling unprepared. You may use foreshadowing to hint at upcoming events and create more impactful suspense scenes. Additionally, it is better to provide more character reactions.

WRITING STYLE.

The writing style exhibits a noticeable inconsistency in using an introductory phrase, which is a group of words that comes before the main clause in a sentence, helping the readers understand more about the main clause (Miller-Wilson, 2022). This inconsistency can be noticed right off the bat in your first chapter, particularly when addressing Mrs. Mendoza (for example), and disrupts the flow and clarity of your narrative. To fix it, I recommend choosing a style and using different phrases (e.g., "Would you like..." or "Please," instead of always starting with "I am") to introduce your statements to avoid repetition. There are other types of introductory phrases that you may consider adding to your statements to avoid monotony and set different tones in your writing. Most importantly, don't forget to use a comma to separate the introductory phrase from the main clause, improving readability and clarity.

There's this minor detail that caught my attention, which is using capitalization to emphasize certain words, not just in the dialogue but in the narration. Capitalization is a useful tool, but relying solely on it isn't truly advisable, particularly because it will make your writing seem amateurish. When words are capitalized, there's a tendency for readers to get distracted, and it diminishes the impact of the atmosphere and tone of the scene. When reading capitalized words-specifically whenever something happens-it doesn't provide a strong impression to make the readers feel like they're experiencing the moment rather than just reading it. It's like, "Okay, someone got murdered. Then? What now?" It'll make that crucial scene more easily forgotten than memorable because it didn't click with the readers-they couldn't visualize the scene and wouldn't feel anything.

"Show, don't tell" is one of the golden rules that I always teach my peers in creative writing. It is one of the simplest rules to follow but is always the easiest to be forgotten or overlooked by beginners. In layman's terms, at its roots, it means to describe and not explain. As a creative writer, it is our job to make stories more exploratory than declarative. For instance, take a look at these two examples:

Telling: I feel cold.

Showing: I zipped up my jacket, put my hands inside its pockets, and ducked my head against the cold December air as soon as the cold breeze hit my skin.

This way of writing makes it more relatable to the readers because it allows them to visualize what the character is doing, seeing, feeling, thinking, or even tasting at the moment. It allows them to interpret and experience the scene in their own way. Overall, it makes the story feel more engaging. However, keep in mind that you shouldn't use this all the time because there is information in the story that is best summarized to avoid fillers. Keep in mind that "showing" is just for those parts that require more spotlight. To do it, I have this favorite quotation by MJ Bush that may inspire you: "Step into a scene and let it drip from your fingertips." As I stated earlier, you may put yourself in your character's shoes and write the scene on how or what you'll think and do at that certain moment. If you want to learn more about this, you may visit the article by Bella Rose Emmorey entitled, "Show Don't Tell Writing: 6 Tips For How To Get It Right." I'll leave its link in the reference section of this critique.

Moving forward, the story is told from a first-person perspective, and it remains consistent throughout the narrative. I don't have any problem with your sentence structure and voice; they, too, are consistent from the prologue to the fifth chapter. I just hope that you won't limit your POV and use it to your advantage in providing sufficient information about the story's event. However, I'd like to remind you to use stronger verbs to make your sentence more impactful and engaging. Moreover, avoid overused phrases that can make your writing seem generic, as well as run-on sentences that will make your narration difficult to follow and understand in one sitting. I recommend including more figurative language (i.e., symbolism and metaphors) to add more depth to your writing, making it more thought-provoking and interesting.

First and foremost, the formatting of the story is commendable. I didn't have any issues when reading and navigating your novel because it didn't have any unnecessary elements. The spacing and alignment are consistent, and there are no unnecessary styles that may potentially disrupt the visual flow of your text. In general, it is well-executed, and there are no concerns with its visual appeal.

When it comes to grammar and usage, particularly those written in Filipino, I noticed the incurred usage of affixes. For instance, with the word "lininis," which should've been "nilinis." Always remember that the prefix "ni-" is used on verbs starting with letters "L," "R," and "Y." For instance, "nilinis," "niroleta," at "niyakap" (Pag-aaral Ng Tagalog: Mga Pandiwa, n.d.-b).

Furthermore, while I'm at it, I'd like to point out a common mistake in Filipino grammar. "Daw," "dito," "doon," "dine," and "din" are only used if the word before it ends with a consonant except for the semi-vowels, "W" and "Y." For example:

"Malamig daw sa Baguio."

"Ang tumal daw ng dyip na sinakyan niya kanina."

Meanwhile, we use "raw," "roon," "rito," "rine," and "rin" if the word before it ends with a vowel or semi-vowels, "W" and "Y." For example:

"Mababaw raw ang tubig sa ilog."

"Hindi raw nalinis ang sugat niya kaya lumala."

To add, it is also important to remember that if the word ends with "-ra," "-re," "-ri," "-ro," "-ru," "-ray," and "-raw," we use "daw" and "din" to make the pronunciation continuous and smooth (Wastong Gamit Ng Raw, Daw, Rin, Din, Dito, Rito, n.d.-b). For example:

"Kare-kare din ang paborito kong ulam."

"Ang matrikula ng programang kinuha ko ay libre din daw."

Additionally, I noticed some errors that could be corrected to enhance the readability of the work. For example, there are a few instances where the verb tenses are inconsistent. Always keep in mind that inconsistency disrupts the flow of the narrative and potentially confuses the reader. It's one of the elements that help readers understand the sequence of events in your work. Hence, inconsistency makes the reading difficult to follow and highlights the lack of attention to detail. To fix this, you should choose what verb tense you'd use for your entire work and stick to it. Present tense will make your work more immediate and engaging because it's like the story is happening in real time. It's suitable for your work if you're more inclined to put the character's internal monologues. I would also like to recommend using this one given that your story is action-packed, suspenseful, and written in a first-person perspective. However, if you want the standardized and easier option, you may use the past tense. It is widely used and is more suitable for stories with themes related to memory and nostalgia because it provides an objective perspective.

Moreover, I noticed that you use "---" as an em dash instead of "-," which is incorrect. If you're having problems writing your draft, I recommend using MS Word, which is what I currently use in writing my works. It creates an em dash automatically whenever you put two hyphens together in between two words. It also has an en dash (-), which you can use to indicate a range of numbers and dates. Plus, it will undoubtedly help you with proofreading the parts that you wrote in English.

Now, to further ensure the grammatical accuracy and clarity of your work, I would like to recommend using a grammar-checking tool like Grammarly or QuillBot to identify and correct these errors. These two are what I use, and they assist me in maintaining consistency in my tone and style throughout the piece. On the other hand, there's no need to worry if you're thinking that it might flag your work as AI-generated since they're just designed to help you enhance your writing. After all, you may still proofread your work and use your judgment to determine whether the suggested corrections are appropriate for what you're writing.

OVERALL EVALUATION.

I have read your teaser and the details about Project BiT and I must say that the concept is well-worn, but it can still become a strong foundation for your stories if the idea is executed effectively. It's like using an overly used concept, theme, and plot while making sure that you add your twist to it. How are you planning to use an idea that most writers already used before you? How are you going to make your story stand out? What more can you offer on the table? These are just some of the questions that I can think of every time I read your book title, and I can already tell that it'll be challenging on your part to justify your plot and theme. However, I don't see these as drawbacks but as challenges that I know you can overcome with the right creative approach, use of writing techniques, and amount of effort and dedication.

In general, I enjoyed reading your work. I enjoyed the hint of mystery in it, as well as the cliffhangers you added. I think that these cliffhangers somehow established a good marketing tool to make your readers hooked and more engaged in the story. I am looking forward to seeing how you're going to further enhance and refine your work. I certainly hope that this constructive feedback helps you achieve success in your project.

BIBLIOGRAPHY.

Emmorey, B. R. (2024, August). Show Don't Tell Writing: 6 Tips For How To Get It Right. Self-Publishing School. https://self-publishingschool.com/show-dont-tell-writing/

Miller-Wilson, K. M. (2022). Using introductory phrases correctly. In YourDictionary. https://www.yourdictionary.com/articles/intro-phrases

Pag-aaral ng Tagalog: Mga Pandiwa. (n.d.-b).

Wastong Gamit ng Raw, Daw, Rin, Din, Dito, Rito. (n.d.-b).

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