Disclaimer: The following book critique is intended to provide constructive feedback and suggestions for improvements, and is not a substitute for professional book editing services. It should not be considered a definitive assessment of the book's quality and potential. The author is highly encouraged to consider these comments as a starting point for further enhancing and refining their work, but ultimately, the power to make final decisions regarding their work rests solely with them.

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Title: Entries from Joaquin
Author: CalysLee
TEE Critic: SujinXi

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STORY INFORMATION.

The title, Entries from Joaquin, and cover design complement each other very well, making them a good choice for a teen fiction and romance novel. It suggests that this story will have a personal and introspective narrative, which aligns with the genre's characteristics. It is memorable in a way that it is relatable to teenagers. The elements used in the design create a fitting symbolism for the story, and the color palette evokes a sense of nostalgia. In general, the design is aesthetically pleasing and visually appealing, but it might benefit from making the icons and symbols a bit subtler to allow the book's title and author's name to take center stage. Perhaps a more textured or patterned background can add depth as well.

Mentioning unfulfilled emotions and hinting at the protagonist's personal growth and transformation in the blurb effectively conveys the story's themes, employing a sense of emotional investment. It is a great hook to raise questions about the protagonist's journey. To increase the dramatic impact, I recommend either adding more vivid descriptions (showing, not telling), adding more hints of the forthcoming conflict or tensions, or using a few dialogues from your story to provide a hint of what the readers shall expect from your story.

NARRATIVE ELEMENTS.

The important characters were introduced from the get-go along with hints of conflicts, which is a good thing for slowly building up the character development and tension. This provides a sense of direction and, at some point, an explanation as to why a character acts in that certain way. The immediate engagement surely aids in establishing a well-paced story, but don't overdo it to avoid information dumps.

This leads me to commend you for a well-planned plot, particularly for knowing what information to include and leave behind. "Showing" is well executed, too. The scenes aren't overloaded with unnecessary descriptions. Clearly, it shows that you know what, when, and how to add and disregard vivid illustrations. However, I suggest using stronger verbs to create more impact. This will also enhance the tone and add emphasis to your work. Note that active verbs will create an energetic tone, which is more recommendable in creating a personal connection between the characters and readers, while passive ones will create an objective tone. Not only this, but stronger verbs can help you avoid forming cliché scenes.

Additionally, plotwise, the mystery doesn't fail to keep the readers hooked. It's a good addition because it somehow "markets" your story by creating a sense of intrigue. In fact, I perceive the subtle foreshadowing as a reward for those who are attentive to the details because it doesn't just build anticipation; it also makes the story more captivating, hinting at the themes and underlying motivations of the characters (not just the main character). It avoids predictability, which can help you surprise your readers with plot twists whenever you want, and they won't suspect a single thing about it. Not to mention, the attentive readers will feel like they have accomplished something by being capable of searching for clues and connections and later realizing the significance of earlier events in the story's plotline.

As someone who knows the places mentioned in the story, it's a plus point for me. Since most of the characters are still students, it will surely resonate with your target readers. The exploration of the essence of student life, heartbreak, and personal development adds authenticity to the narrative and makes the entire story more immersive. In particular, readers who might have experienced some similar situations will most likely find your work relatable and easier to follow through.

WRITING STYLE.

The voice is consistent and engaging throughout the first five chapters, and I hope that it'll continue in the next chapters. The chosen tone is appropriate for teen fiction. Combining sarcasm, humor, personal anecdotes, reflective language, and descriptive language helps in creating not just nostalgia, lightheartedness, and relatability, but also enough suspense to keep the attention of the readers. With young adults as the target readers, it surely captures irony, a bit of cynicism, and the universal experiences of a student.

However, some sentences could be simplified for better clarity. There are unnecessary words or phrases, too, which could be removed to make the sentences more concise. A variety of sentence structures are used, and I recommend using figurative devices and language to enhance the writing. Moreover, the transitions can be further refined to maintain coherence. Overall, with the variety of sentence lengths and structures, the writing flows smoothly and naturally—it is somehow pleasing to the eye.

That one bold word at the beginning of every chapter or new scene is a nice detail to put in. It makes each chapter look well organized. On the other hand, I can't help but notice the line breaks added to every new scene. It is not bad; line breaks are beneficial. However, it could've been better to use natural points in the story as line breaks instead, which is by indicating... or describing (rather) when a new event begins, time passes, or there's a change in the setting/location. Always remember that the objective of a creative writer is to make their readers feel like they're part of the scene, and using natural breaks can make the story more engaging, vivid, and effective for readers.

Moving on, as for the grammar, it is neat somehow. However, I'd like to point out a few minor errors and provide recommendations as well. I noticed that when it comes to numbers (particularly with two digits), they're mostly spelled out. Take note that (in general), we only spell out numbers ranging from zero to nine, and larger numbers (i.e., above ten) shall be written as numerals. However, an exception to this is when the sentence begins with numbers; we spell them out no matter how large or small they may be (Scribendi, n.d.). For example:

Incorrect: I published twenty-three novels.

Incorrect: 17 students attended our webinar today.

Correct: I published 23 novels.

Correct: Seventeen students attended our webinar today.

Correct: There were 17 students who attended our webinar today.

There's an inconsistency as well when it comes to "daw/raw," "doon/roon," "dito/rito," "dine/rine," and din/rin." We only use those starting "d" if the word before it ends with a consonant except for the semi-vowels, "W" and "Y." On the contrary, we use those starting with "r" if the word before it ends with a vowel or semi-vowels, "W" and "Y." For example:

"Malamig daw sa Baguio."

"Ang tumal daw ng dyip na sinakyan niya kanina."

"Mababaw raw ang tubig sa ilog."

"Hindi raw nalinis ang sugat niya kaya lumala."

To add, it is also important to remember that if the word ends with "-ra," "-re," "-ri," "-ro," "-ru," "-ray," and "-raw," we use "daw" and "din" to make the pronunciation continuous and smooth (Wastong Gamit Ng Raw, Daw, Rin, Din, Dito, Rito, n.d.-b). For example:

"Kare-kare din ang paborito kong ulam."

"Ang matrikula ng programang kinuha ko ay libre din daw."

The constant use of em dash is also noticeable. In general, em dashes are used for a more dramatic effect, but commas are less disruptive to the flow of the sentence. Although using an em dash is not a mistake, I would recommend using other punctuation marks, like commas, for separating introductory phrases, indicating a list, or setting off parenthetical phrases.

OVERALL EVALUATION.

Your story Entries from Joaquin has a well-developed concept and plot. It justifies the conventions of its main genre and is engaging to your target readers. Surely, the book cover's design is connected to the plot of your story, which is good because it holds the story's symbolism. It briefly shows what the readers should expect in your story.

At some point in the story, I was somehow reminded of my unforgettable memories and experiences during my high school days. Although I am not typically drawn to the forbidden love and mentor-mentee tropes, I think this story has the potential to form compelling storytelling where you may explore the complexity of power dynamics. The introspective narrative will help add more depth to the story, particularly if the relationship that may form in the later chapters isn't exploitative or harmful. Be careful navigating these sensitive topics to create a thought-provoking and sensible narrative. You may also consider incorporating subverting expectations and ethical dilemmas to help in character development.

I'd also like to mention that there are a few areas that could be further refined. Some of the minor mistakes aren't too noticeable and can be fixed by polishing your work entirely. For this, I recommend leaving your work for a couple of days before polishing it entirely, or perhaps even completing the entire story first before making these parts shine. Proofreading it on the same day will only make it difficult to spot these errors—after all, we don't perfect a paragraph or chapter in early drafts. For now, skip the polishing until you're done, but don't forget that polishing and editing your work are necessary to ensure the quality of your writing.

BIBLIOGRAPHY.

🔖 Scribendi. (n.d.). The Rules for Writing Numbers in English.
🔖 Wastong Gamit ng Raw, Daw, Rin, Din, Dito, Rito. (n.d.-b).

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