I fell asleep the moment I boarded the plane, being awake in a permanent state of emotional turmoil for over twenty four hours will do that, and so when I finally made it to Europe I woke up and it felt like, well it felt like, life unpaused.

The sky looked different, the air felt lighter, the sun, warmer, even though when I saw her last it was summer and now it was fall, life seemed to feel a lot less heavy.

Teddy was near, a few countries away, so much closer than she had been in months and the desperation to get to her was stronger. I willed the plane change over to hurry. I couldn't finish the lunch provided or even the drink, it was as if every action would just slow me down and I had to get there quicker not slower, to see her face, to hold her, to have her hold me, the only arms other than my mamas that ever made me feel safe.

I've never longed to see her dimples pop more.

"Hi" I say running to the customs desk. 

"Ma'am" the lady says in her foreign accent, from her small cubical "passport please" she asks.

I hand it to her, she flicks it open and looks it over, and then she looks up to me with a polite smile "and what brings you to Istanbul?" She asks me curiously "alone" she adds.

I nod nervously "my best friend plays for the KSBL and I've come to visit her" I say and then I realise she may not know what I mean "the woman's basketball super league" I prompt.

"I know it" she confirms and then her features soften and she smiles wider leaning forward "who is the friend if you don't mind me asking? Only I'm kind of obsessed with the league. I actually have an ear piece in right now listening to tonight's game" she whispers lifting up her dark locks for me to see.

I smile and lean closer "Teddy..." I begin and she practically knocks herself out against the Perspex screen as she jumps forward at the name. "Ouch" she says rubbing her temple and she lets out a little laugh "the screens are new and I'm not used to them being there..."

I try not to laugh and she looks back to me excitedly "Teddy Nomikos is your best friend" she asks surprised.

"Yes the very one" I return.

She looks down the line at the annoyed passengers who are being held up by our chat "I could talk to you about that girl all day ... she's been incredible. Her and Lane have been a great addition from the states this year, they play so well together, on and off court I hear" and she winks.

What does that mean?!

"Anyway, please do tell her we appreciate her being here" she says and she hands me my passport back, much to the relief of the hundred people behind me.

As I walk through the bustling airport I can't get that name out of my head "lane lane lane" I know I've heard that before and it's right on the tip of my.... "Avery" I say coming to a stop mid stride "Well that's just...great" I say running my hand through my hair and letting it rest there as I consider for the first time that Teddy may have well moved on from me.

I can't explain the way that felt, to think of her being with, touching or kissing someone else, it burned me, so quick like the moment your hand catches the oven as you pull out a tray, and the instant reflex to pull away, to find a source of water to run it under, anything to cool the way your flesh is burning. I wanted to find a source of relief from these feelings, new and terrifying ones. Teddy with someone new, what if I've come all this way just to witness it? What if it's all a little too late?!

***
The ride to the apartments is stunning, Istanbul is impressive, a mix of old town and new but beyond beautiful with the domed mosques that spring from its centre like a magnificent palace, the roman influence obvious, the city dripped in history, my grandfather Joseph would love it.

A bridge reminiscent of San Francisco's golden gate, straddles both Europe and Asia from Istanbul's shores and the water that surrounds the city makes me think of Teddy living in Atlantis, a city in the depths of the ocean. I could imagine her here, she fit right in with her glorious sun kissed flesh and beautiful dark features, her hair, her eyes, those wiggling eyebrows, which I hoped had not wiggled since landing here.

"Here you go Ms" the driver announced and I handed him the money before stepping out onto the cobbled street, the air smelt like a melting pot of aromas, exotic spice, leather from the bazaars visible further down the street, florals and musk, and it was quite honestly like I inhaled the essence of the place.

"Harper you are not in Kansas anymore" I whisper to myself taking a deep breath and just marinading in it for a moment.

I found it comforting to know that each day Teddy walked out of these apartments and inhaled this scent, and now here I was, right outside, but a few moments away, sharing it, her air again, her space.

I turn back to the impressive apartments, they were very old, very in keeping with the inner towns ancient feel, balcony's looking out over the ocean beyond the skyline of the city.  I wonder which is hers, and I hope beyond hope that she is in there, and alone.

A door opens and a woman walks out with a little dog on a leash and she smiles as she passes me. I reach out and grab the door before it shuts and walk inside, no elevator, it really was built before electricity this place. I look up the winding staircase and try and muster the bravery to take that first step. I had wanted to run here, as fast as possible and now I was here, I was a little hesitant to find Teddy, and all that her life here entailed.

One step, one breath, two steps, two breaths, three steps "turn back" I beg myself, four steps, "don't be such a baby" I curse and by the time I finally make it to the top I've slapped myself silly going back and forth on how this will play out and if I'm going to get a door slammed in my face on sight of me. Teddy most definitely wouldn't be thinking of me fondly anymore.

I take out the small paper from my tight denim jeans pocket, my fingers barely able to pull it out without a rip. I unfold the paper in my hand and double check the digits, twelve.

I look up to the three wooden doors on this floor and find twelve on the end. I move up the corridor, the sound of my converse squeaking against the marble flooring as I move, and when I finally come to it, my heart begins to race. I look down to the floor, my fingers squeezing the bridge of my nose "breathe...just breathe" I beg myself and I see shadows moving across the light that peeks out from below the door, a light is on and somebody is home.

I squeeze my eyes shut tightly "please be Teddy" i plead and I raise my hand and knock, a little too lightly and so I commit and knock firmly again. My teeth were biting down on my lip with the sheer apprehension.

The feet that move over the hard floors echos from within, the door unlatched and is thrown open "can I help you" she asks and I step back, a lot back, I step back so fast I hit the wall behind me and squeak "are you okay" she asks and I look back up to Avery stood there with a towel wrapped around her body, her blonde hair wet from a shower.

Oh no, not Avery, she did not...

"Wait...you are Harper" she says recognition hitting her and she flexed her finger "come in come in" she says happily "Teddy will be thrilled to see you" she says and I'm confused, why was the new girl inviting the girl who broke Teddy's heart into the apartment, and expecting me to be a welcomed sight for her?.

She pulls me in before I can even reply and I feel a little nauseas. Avery is in Teddy's apartment with nothing but a towel on, she points to the couch "please" she says "sit" she adds with a smile. "I will just get dressed ... Teddy should be back in a moment...she went to the gym"

She leaves me to look around, I can't sit, I have to stand because I'm beyond pained by what i am putting together here, Teddy was with Avery? Avery was with Teddy? They shared an apartment? They were, what? A couple? Fucking? In love? No not Teddy... but fucking to get me out of her head? Perhaps! Not that that was easier news to swallow, and I got the urge to run, but I couldn't give into it because even if Teddy had moved on, she needed to hear the truth and that's why I was here, to give it to her.

I look out of the open doors to the balcony and appreciate the breeze coming in from the ocean, it is cool.

I walk out of the oppressive feeling in the apartment and stand with my hands on the rails looking out over the city below, it is quite beautiful.

I take slow breaths trying to steady my panicked heart, like that of a bird captured in a persons hands, wildly thrashing in my chest as if any moment it could give up with the strain.

"I'm dressed" Avery says appearing beside me "it's so good to meet you Harper...I saw a lot of you on Teddy's secret socials, the ones she hides from the fans. How is your baby" she asks.

I turn to her and smile softly "she's amazing... thank you"

She turns with her back to the rail, arms crossing over her chest, the silky cami she was wearing dipped low between her small but perky breasts, no bra, blonde hair falling down either side, she was clearly quite confident in her body and I was not surprised, she was attractive...and she knew it. And dear god Teddy had been with her, every day for three months, like a moth to a fucking flame, there was no way this hadn't become something and I couldn't wait a moment longer to find out.

I turn to Avery and she looks to me surprised by my sudden movement "are you and Teddy together" I ask bluntly.

Her eyes widen "oh" she says like she's seeing this and my tone as a shake down "um" she adds and she frowns like she's assessing what she should say, her light brown eyes finding mine "no" she finally adds "no we aren't together" she confirms.

The relief is instant "thank god" I whisper.

Avery looks at me curiously "Harper are you the girl who broke her heart"

I sit down on the seating beside us, she slips in opposite, her hands resting on the table between us.

"Yes" I confess "did she tell you what happened"

She shakes her head "no Teddy doesn't do details...she keeps things simple. I just know that a girl broke her before she arrived"

"Does she keep things simple...with you" I ask remembering how Teddy had used that term with Jay, and Avery said they weren't together, not that they weren't sleeping together.

Avery avoids my eye contact and the answer is there, "do you just sleep together" I ask further, even though just those words, alone, inflict pain.

"No...well...yes..once " she returns "and I won't lie to you Harper...I would love to... Teddy is ... she's amazing and I would have loved to have had a chance but it's kind of hard to compete with a girl she's in love with, a ghost of a girl who haunts her still"

I frown "so you have...you've slept together " I ask and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

"Well yes and no...we started to but she pulled back, halfway through, she pulled back and that's when she confessed to me that she couldn't do it. She apologised profusely, we were pretty drunk and she explained she couldn't be with another girl...not right now not when she was still under the touch of another"

"She couldn't do it" I question out loud.

"No and for someone as drunk as she was and dealing with a tonne of heartache...that took fucking restraint"

"So she's not with anyone" I ask.

She shakes her head "not any girls no"

I frown "what does that mean...wait... you said she couldn't be with another girl because of me, so does that mean there's a guy?" I ask a little shaken.

"I don't know" she says throwing up her hands "and it's kind of not my place I feel to share that"

"Avery tell me" I demand.

She looks a little unsure. "I don't know, but I know our personal trainer here at the gym... Isra...he is not shy about how he looks at her, and they can be pretty intense when going back and forth in sessions. If Teddy was looking for a hot and easy distraction, it would be Isra. She hasn't confessed anything to me though, but I know he's extremely interested and they spend one on one sessions together a couple times a week"

Oh god.

"Is that where she is now?" I ask "with him?"

And Avery hesitates "I think so" she confesses.

I stand up "I need to go... I will come back tomorrow to see her. I just. I think I'm going to throw up"

I run from the balcony and straight out into the hallway before colliding with Teddy at the top of the stairs.

"Harper" she says wildly taking in my tears and anguish. "What are you doing here... what's wrong" she asks.

I push her away as she reaches for me and she looks confused and then angry "what is this" she asks "why are you mad with me" she adds as her voice breaks, beginning to tear up herself.

I look away seeing the pain "You left me... you said no to me, so why have you come here after three months to then push me away like that... when I have been pushed already as far as one can be. Harper"

I hold my head in my hands and sob.

"Harper please talk to me" she begs through tears and she grabs me, pulling me against her body "Harper" she whispers, her voice thick with emotion, and she kisses my forehead quite automatically without thinking and her arms loosen "sorry, I shouldn't. It's not my place anymore. I didn't mean to overstep" she says and she nervously moves away from me and I hate that, that she feels she can't anymore or that I'm someone she mustn't.

I wipe at my eyes and stifle the sobs "Teddy you have no idea" I say frustratedly "no idea what I've been through or what's happened" i state frantically.

She looks to me full of confusion and distress. "What are you talking about" she asks me again.

"Teddy I never left you or walked away from you and I certainly would have never said no to a future with you as your girlfriend... god Teddy that was all I ever wanted" I say slowing my words to a pace that matched the sorrow that released them.

She frowns and she goes to say something but she can't speak.

***

"Harper" I say eventually as my mind tries to catch up, to take in what she's said, and I can't form words because I've never felt so overwhelmingly confused in my entire fucking life.

I take out my cell phone from my pocket and thrust it into her hands "look" I beg her and she looks away as if the phone is about to jump up and blind her. "Look at those messages and tell me how else I was meant to take them?" I ask.

The tears that are filling my eyes begin to sting because I've not cried in three months, not since the day I got here and so every tear brimming against my eyelashes now, they are practically acidic as if they've been cultivating there behind my eyes, swirling in distress and pain and forced to refrain from release because I was numbed beyond belief, my brain protecting me from constant attacks from my heart.

My entire body had been in a state of war for months, my head and my heart becoming sworn enemies and I can tell you without hesitation that the war that rages inside, it has done damage, permanent damage, parts of me feel beyond ruin and if the day comes that the white flag is waved and they again reconnect... the messages they will share, they terrify me.

Harper lifts the phone begrudgingly and she looks down with her hazel eyes and studies the messages... the entire thread, my want for her to come with me, to be my girlfriend, the way she ignores my calls, the way I desperately urge her to talk to me, and then the reply... the words that tore me apart. I watch her body begin to shake, her lip wobble and the absolute devastation that washes over her features and I see it, it's true, she's reading them for the first time.

"Harper ... if you didn't send these then who did" I ask moving towards her and taking the phone back as if it is hurting her to hold it. I place it back into my pocket and grab her arm, pulling her down on the velvet love seat that sits below the window in the hallway. My hand softly runs up her arm, cupping her chin and turning her to face me "Harper" I ask.

"Ethan" she finally admits.

I've never felt a punch to my guts like it and I kind of fall forward a little, the air whooshing out of my lungs and it's like I'm about to throw up, but the wave is soon replaced by pure and unrelenting rage and I stand and grit my teeth before lunging forward and punching the wall, my hand ricochets and I shake it out.

"fuuuuuuuck" I scream.

Avery appears along with my nearest neighbours to see what the commotion is and I turn back to Harper "did he hurt you" I ask suddenly feeling panicked, I wasn't there, I couldn't have protected her, how far did he go in his quest of her?.

"No not physically" she returns and relief washes over me. "I told him I didn't want anything to do with him. I kind of embarrassed him in front of everyone and I guess this was his revenge"

"Are you guys okay" Avery asks.

I turn to her beside us "can we just have the apartment for a bit, alone Ave" I ask

She nods. "Of course I will go up and see Amira for a bit"

She leaves the door open and passes by us with a squeeze of my shoulder as she goes.

"Let's take this inside, out of the eyes and ears of my neighbours" I suggest and Harper nods following behind me as we enter the apartment and I turn to shut the door, brushing by her slightly, and god to be so close, to have her scent envelope me.

I close my eyes momentarily and hold back a sob that settled in my throat.

I take a moment to gather myself.

"Harper if Ethan sent those messages then why didn't you call me that day to talk about the move, like you were going too? Why on earth did you think I left without word" I question.

She moves back and sits down at the little bistro style table and I do the same, my hands wondering over it and taking hers.

She looks down at the contact and back to my eyes that wait for her answer "Teddy I did call... many times but they didn't go through" she begins.

Of course it hits me "I blocked you, the morning after I blocked you" I realise and I pull my hand from hers and run it over my forehead pushing my hair back and taking a deep breath. "Oh god..." I cry "this is..." I say standing and pacing "this is too much I can't cope with this"

"Teddy it wasn't your fault... this is all on Ethan" Harper says and I look back at the anguish on her face, her sweet face and then it comes... the guilt... it sweeps in and hardens me again.. the sob in my throat feels like it convulses... what have I done?! I believed a message, a text. I just took it as the truth and I believed she would do that to me, and then I blocked her so that I would never hear the truth. I had kept myself from ever knowing it.

"Teddy" she says standing and she must sense it, the sudden change in my body language as I begin to feel my skin crawl as if I want to be anywhere but inside of it and if I could have I would have. I had made some questionable choices since I received that message, I had done things I was not proud of and the girl in front of me, she was worth more than that.

"So you thought I had left you" i ask again and she rounds the table so she is again in-front of me.

"I did ... I called Willa and she said she had just spoken to you and we had ended and that you didn't want to talk about me anymore. Honestly  when I couldn't reach you, I thought the way I had been behaving recently, that it had made you walk away thinking I wouldn't wait for you"

"No...I wouldn't have left like that because of one conversation that ended badly. Harper you and Wren were my life, I would never"

I flinch away as her hand reaches to cup my face. "Teddy" she demands as I move back "Teddy look at me" she begs "Theodora Nomikos will you look at me for the love of god" she says aggravated and honestly I don't feel I can because what I see looking at Harper is everything I've lost, and the girl who I have betrayed, by not looking more into that text and by my actions ever since.

Her hands grab my face roughly and she forces me to turn back to her but I shut my eyes and hold them tightly closed as tears once again slip from them and down my cheeks. "Teddy why won't you look at me" Harper whispers running her thumbs over my cheeks tenderly.

I lower my head with the shame and the guilt but she tilts my chin back up "please" she whispers.

I gulp the sob back down and slowly open my eyes, my vision blurred by the tears. "Harper I'm not the same person as I was three months ago, you are not stood in front of the same person" I confess.

She looks my features over and rests her forehead against mine "that's not true Teddy... I see you, you are still there, a little broken like me but you are still there" she says and she places her hand against my chest and my eyes close instinctively to feel her touch, her palm against my skin where my cropped t shirt ended. "Please don't let Ethan take you from me..."

I look back into her eyes as she begs me with them to end this right now.

"Harper... you deserve more than me. He was right about that"

She lets me go furiously and takes a step back "Teddy don't say that, so what, what is it that's so bad you feel like I deserve more huh? What have you done? You've been fucking people right?" She asks.

I sit back down at the table, my head in my hands and I feel beyond horrible. I feel disgusting and shame filled.

"We weren't together... so it's not as if you cheated on me" she states.

I shake my head "how can you say that so easily... like it doesn't hurt because if you'd slept with anyone else I would be devastated" I confess and she shakes her head again.

"Teddy I am devastated, but I also don't want it to be the reason you stay away from me, and just to be completely transparent...I have not slept with anyone. I've been far too busy being a mom"

"Ouch" I confess "you know I would be there for her physically if I was in the country Harper"

"I didn't mean it that way" she says coming back to the table and pulling a seat up closer to me, her hand placed on my wrist. "Teddy I know you've been talking to her every day... and I was so relieved to know you have because that little girl adores you and if I've never made it clear that I think of you as her other parent, then Im sorry. I should have, because nobody deserves that more than you. I could never have wished for anyone to love her as much as you do... she's so lucky to have you. We both are!"

"Harper I want to get in a time machine and go back. I want to erase these months and just appear that day in front of you I want to be worthy of you and Wren like I was... but I don't feel that way" I state and she shakes her head.

"What are you saying, that this is the real end of us" she asks me and the searing pain her voice inflicts as she says it is unbearable.

"No, that's not what I'm saying... I just need... I don't know I just can't think."

"Teddy" she begs me taking my jaw again in her hands "don't think... stop thinking" she says and she licks her lips before leaning forward and capturing mine. The kiss is soft and gentle and the way our lips once again connect in the familiar rhythms of us, it is warming, sending a flutter of butterflies into my belly.

I feel a tear prick my eyes at the love washing through me, there it was, the white flag, waving, and my heart and mind once again connected, beating wildly, flowing freely as one, mind and body returned... but there was no peace... only the worry churning inside, the guilt as my mind told my heart of all of my sins.

I wasn't prepared for the heaviness of that guilt when faced with the beautiful face of the only person I've ever fallen in love with, and the innocent look Harper gives. She had the truest and most pure heart, and she offered it in good faith but I couldn't ignore who I had become since we parted. A part of me needed to take time, to put all of me back together again, to confess it, purge it all and to finish my season in Turkey and return home... hopefully ready to find my way back to myself, to my family and then if she would have me, to Harper.

"Harper" I say pulling away, but not releasing her cheeks as the kiss is broken.

"Yes" she asks holding me just as closely, her eyes intense and desperate not to let this moment end.

"I need some time, this isn't the end of anything I promise, perhaps it's only the beginning" I say stroking her hands on my cheeks, she nods but tears fill her eyes. "I won't let you down, not again and that means I have to sort myself out mentally, so that when I return, I return as me and not the version of myself I've been here. Not the soulless me that I hate... and I know it's asking a lot of you to leave without me, but I promise I will be back.. in three months I'm back in the states and we can see each other and take it slow. Not friends slow, we can't ever go back to friends... why don't we try the old fashioned dating?" I ask her.

She laughs letting the tension go "dating? Teddy" she asks.

I nod against her forehead "yes... dating, Harper"

"That's very normal for us"

I smile "I think we need to do normal for a bit" I confess.

She takes a deep breath "I would love to date you Ted" she whispers and I lean forward and seal it with a quick but gentle kiss.

"Pencil me into your busy schedule for Valentine's Day" I suggest and she smiles against my lips.

"Valentines it is" she confirms.

"I love you Harper"

She kisses me softly "I love you too Teddy"

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]