Willa if you can't offer me all of you,
I bow out of the claim of you,
Your heart is all I know
Where yours has been kindred with two,
She knows it as I do
The intimate hum of you
To be loved by you
But I need all in, not a stake in it
Nor a claim, among many.
I need you
And I need you to need that too
For me alone to be enough for you
But Willa if you can't offer all of you,
If you are still split in two,
I give back my half and claim not an inch of you
Love you, I do, always, forever, and a day, but I can't be one of two
And neither can you

***

"Mama what are you doing out here?" Harper asked as she opens the back door and finds me by the fire pit.

I take the scrawled words of poetry I had just written and throw it into the fire pit, it wasn't something I wanted Willa to read, only feelings I had to write down for fear they would suffocate me.

"Considering writing a list of all of the reasons I should never speak to Willa again" I return childishly.

I look down at my phone and see her messages coming through, but I ignore them and stuff the phone further down the seat cushion.

"And what would you write on it?" Harper asks, coming over and snuggling down next to me as we watched the flames in-front of us flicker and crackle.

I look down to her leaning against my arm and I sigh "so far it's not a list, it's one thing..."

"What's that one thing" Harper asks frowning, "I literally can't think of one thing Willa has done that would ever make you stop speaking to her."

"Tonight she met Morgan for a drink at her hotel bar after their therapy session" i reveal.

Harper sits up, mouth falling open "well that was a stupid thing to do"

I nod "agreed"

Harper thinks about that a little more, her hazel eyes returning to me with concern "Mama I know I'm not going to stop the clogs from turning right now in your mind, but honestly it wouldn't have been anything inappropriate I'm sure"

"The fact they even met for a drink is inappropriate Harper" I state and my blood begins to boil again. Willa knew I was nervous about the therapy. Then she had gone one step further and made the whole thing so much worse, by meeting Morgan after, alone.

"What are you going to do" Harper asks sitting back down beside me.

I feel the anxiety rise inside to even think about how mad I was at Willa, and to imagine them together, her and Morgan it would eat away at
me. "Aunty Augusta called tonight... her twins are due any day now. I think I might use the last week of my vacation time to go and help her out, she's so worried about it all, these being her first babies"

Harper rolls her eyes at me.

"Thats called running away Mama and it won't solve a damned thing" she says.

I squeeze her arm and nod "I am running away I won't deny it, but not from the issue, from spending my last week of vacation giving Willa the silent treatment when I could be making use of myself with Gus. Augusta is the last of us to have a baby, and without mama there to help her like she was with me. I feel it's my responsibility as they eldest to go and hold her hand through it all, and be there where mama would want me to be"

"I understand that, but It doesn't have to be a week of silent treatment with Willa, mama, you could actually work it out and talk it through" she asks.

I sit forward and stoke the fire a little "This can't be fixed in one week. Willa broke my trust today, and Harper I'm mad, I'm hurt, I'm still unsure what the hell even happened there... and I need a second to gather my thoughts away from her"

"Okay mama" she offers and she smiles and leans back into my embrace "I wish I could go too. I miss Grandpa Joseph and the Anderson's... and aunty Gus's twins are sure to be gorgeous. I could use some newborn snuggles. Wren will be huge in comparison now"

"I know baby, perhaps we can go in spring break. We can take Wren to meet her new little cousins and perhaps Teddy will come too"

Harper looks solemn at the mention of her.

"What's wrong" I ask and she shrugs "Harper tell your mama" I beg.

She sighs "I miss her... and I admit I'm a little jealous of her room mate Avery, she sees her every day, all day and they play together, and she's literally Teddy's right hand in Turkey... I just wish it was me...but I know I'm being crazy"

"Gosh, us Jameson Girls are being driven insane by the women in our lives aren't we" i muse .

Harper sighs "I never thought I would be sharing girl problems with my mama"

We both let out a little laugh, it was true , girl problems were contagious around here right now.

"Will you be okay going back to work Wednesday and not having me home?" I ask, thinking of Wren. "Willa is home until next week too, so I know she will help out with Wren in my absence, but if you need me to go a day later to Utah, I can"

"No mama you go, day care would be fine if I had to take her in a day earlier, but I'm sure Willa will help. Is she due back in the morning?"

"She is" i muse and I think of her again in that hotel with Morgan, and my stomach hurts, why would she think that would be okay?. I am not stupid, I know Willa has history with Morgan, a really heartbreaking one for them both, but I don't feel I'm being over the top to consider them meeting after therapy for a drink to be a line they should not have crossed.

I trusted Willa, I have never not trusted her, and yet with one poor decision she has shaken that trust and made me doubt her. I hated that, I hated I had to doubt her, for even a second.

Harpers phone rings in her pocket and she shoots up to her feet "It's Ted" she notes, and I watch her affectionately, as she smiles like a girl in love at her phone and takes off back into the house.

***
"Teddy" I answer.

"Harper god your voice... It makes me miss you more" she replies, her own voice husky and full of sleep.

"Did you just wake up for your day?" I ask, and I can hear her moving about in the back ground.

"Yes it's five here"

I check the watch on my wrist "ten in the evening this side" I note. "Why are you up so early"

I sit down on the couch and curl my legs up under myself.

"We are playing away today... it's a whole day of travel to our game location" she sighs, as if she is sitting down herself.

"Teddy, I miss you" I confess.

"Me too Harps. I miss you so much it's starting to hurt"

"I know what you mean. Wren has been looking for you" i say warmly "will you face time her early my end, perhaps before your game tonight?" I ask.

"Of course. I'm looking forward to it. I keep imagining I can hear her, and then I turn around and realise, I can't have, because she's halfway across the world. I'm never leaving you both again" she promises.

"I won't let you again" i retort.

"Good" she muses. "Now tell me something... what should we do for our first date?"

"It's six weeks away" I return with a smile.

"I know, but I need something to look forward too"

"Well, I could tell you what you have got to look forward too, but it would be classed as phone sex...so I won't" I say teasingly.

"Well I'm all alone" she teases back. "And my thoughts are filled with you anyway"

"I hope they are" i retort.

"Oh...they...are" she replies playfully.

"Is this a loophole?" I suggest.

She laughs.

"I mean it could be" she replies.

"Then it is...let me just go upstairs incase mama comes in" I reply, jumping to my feet and running up the stairs.

"You sound a little breathless" she whispers.

I laugh "so unfit" I confess shutting my door.

"Perhaps work on your cardio before the dates start" she teases.

I can't help but laugh "Hey, I can pin you in two seconds... and I think I've proven I can keep you quite occupied for an hour without breaking a sweat"

"Oh I want you to break a sweat" she says tauntingly. "I want to taste it on my tongue, as I run it down your body"

My eyes widen with the incredibly husky and sultry way that rolls off of her tongue. Her tongue. A heat rushes down between my legs as I imagine all the ways Teddy will taste me later.

"Okay, I can't do this" I say, sinking down my door to the floor, halting it and making it all come to an abrupt end.

"Hey, no fair, I was just getting started" she moans. I can hear her smile widen, as she lets out a little laugh.

"Teddy I will literally self combust if you say anything else. I thought I could do it, but I can't. I need physical touch. I'm hanging on a very horny thread, and I still haven't invested in a vibrator"

"Oh Harper, you need to go online and fill up a drawer, start discovering what you like and then when I get home you can show me"

I grin. "I will go online and order it, right now"

"Good" she replies and she moves about in the background, as her front door shuts.

"We leave in an hour Teddy and I need a shower" Avery says sounding hurried.

"Avery, do I want to know where you have been all night" Teddy asks in the background.

Avery laughs "probably not, but let's just say I finally found a girl who was happy to let me keep her company"

"All night too" Teddy playfully retorts.

"All night and this morning" Avery adds with enthusiasm, and they both laugh as Teddy returns to the phone.

"Well Avery got laid" Teddy reveals.

My eyebrows lift "I'm glad" I return halfheartedly. "Someone should be"

"So how is everything there" Teddy asks.

I squeeze my eyes shut . I was about to be vague on the truth, because I knew if Teddy knew that mama was upset with Willa, Teddy would call the entire therapy off, just to avoid anyone hurting, and selfishly, I needed Teddy to be in therapy.

"Everyone is fine... Willa is due back from New York in the morning. Mama is flying back to Utah for the week, aunty Gus is having her twin boys and mama wants to be there"

"That's great" Teddy muses.

"And you Ted... how is it being back... have you heard from your momma" I ask.

She exhales. "Yeah momma is okay, they opened the restaurant back up a few days ago, Callie is officially dating Luke. Demitra tells me he is more like a six now he has facial hair, so all are happy, and momma always loved Luke so she is all on board for this little love story to take off too. I think the hardest part is Baba not seeing it.Harper I miss him so much, sometimes when I wake up I forget for a second he's gone and when it hits me seconds later... it physically hurts, to remember. I find myself laughing with the team or having five minutes of normalcy before the grief comes crashing down again, and the guilt for smiling, or laughing, its overwhelming"

"You aren't doing anything wrong Teddy. You are trying to live through unimaginable grief and it doesn't look just one way. You are just trying to survive it and if that means you smile every now and again or laugh... don't you think your father would be happy to see that you still can?! After all this trauma and pain?! To still find reason to smile? Teddy you are doing incredibly and I'm so so proud of you" I confess.

"Harper ... I love you so much, you know it don't you" she asks.

I nod "of course"

"When I get back there I'm going to make sure you know it... every day, every hour, every single moment for the rest of your life"

"That sounds like a proposal" I say softly with a smile.

"It kind of is... a proposal to love you for forever" she returns.

"Like on a scale of love you as a friend, to love the shit out of you and want to rock your world?! Where is that proposed love at" I ask playfully.

She laughs.

"Harper, is it not clear that I am crazy in love with you and want you in more ways than I can express.I do not intend to ever stop dating you... is that clear enough" she asks in the same playful manner.

"It is now" I whisper and I bite down on my bottom lip. "Teddy hurry home and date me" I add lovingly.

"I will" she says softly "and until then" she says her voice becoming more husky "I want you to go lie down on the bed" she says "now" she demands.

I get up so quickly I almost fall over myself.

"Are you lying down" she asks slowly.

"Yes" I return.

"What are you wearing" she asks me.

I look down at myself "just a t shirt and bed shorts" I return "but I told you Teddy I don't think I can do it like this"

"Shhh...Close your eyes" she asks "tight" she demands.

And I do.

"Now lie your right hand on your stomach, against your skin".

I slip my hand under my t shirt and lie it flat "is it warm..." she asks.

I nip my lip "yes" I return.

"Now run your hand up your body until you are touching your breast" she asks.

I do, my hand runs slowly up my skin and over my rounded flesh.

"Softly squeeze and caress it" she demands and I do. I grip my breast under my hand and squeeze it, the sensation of my nipple hardening under my palm.

"Does it feel good" she asks.

I let out a little moan "mmhmm" and her breathing sounds slightly laboured.

"Are  you doing the same" I ask.

"Yes" she returns.

"Now take your other hand and slip it down into your shorts" she demands and I do, my hand slips down between my thighs.

"How do you feel..." she asks.

I can hear her arousal. "Like I wish it was you in my pants" I say.

She smiles, I can hear it. "I am... I'm pushing my fingers down through the warmth and the wet of you. I'm going to fuck you Harper... I'm going to push my fingers inside of you and make you fucking gasp... can you feel it?" She asks.

I push my fingers inside of myself and imagine Teddy on top of me. "Mmmmhmmm" slips out of my lips as they fall open and I bite down on the plumped flesh as my fingers move inside of myself.

"Fuck Harper, you feel so good. I'm kissing your neck, my tongue is running up to your ear lobe..."

As Teddy continues her descriptive devouring of me, I imagine every detail, like I can feel her inside of me and her weight on my body as she fucks me. It's building to a pulse like sensation between my legs, and I feel myself beginning to cum, the wave crashing down as Teddy's own breathing becomes laboured. I cry out at the release, and she does too.

I roll onto my side not removing my hand from between my legs. "Fuck Teddy" I whisper "I didn't think that would work" I reveal honestly.

"Harper you turn me on more than anyone I've ever met in my entire life. I want to reach into this phone and pull you through it right onto my damn lap... and the things I would do to you" she reveals.

I roll my eyes up "are you trying to kill me Theodora... this loophole has only made me hornier"

"Harper ... mmhmm... You just started my day right" she says in the sexiest damn voice I've ever heard.

"Dear god Teddy. I think I might actually die in February... if this is the appetiser" I confess.

"Get ready for the entire damn meal... because I have a lot of love to give Harper Jameson... and it's all yours... every single course"

***
That night I looked up sex toys for the first time, eyes widening at what I discovered. I sat back and browsed, eyes wondering over the selection, clicking add to basket far too many times.

"What on earth is that" I ask myself as I come across strap ons for the first time, and I let out a laugh as I lean forward to read the description below it.

"Oh...my...god" I whisper as I flick through the pictures "it vibrates and rolls at the tip, inside of you? What in the world"

I admit as I looked through the store, I had realised I was absolutely, ridiculously naive, and there would be a tonne I had to discover when it came to sex, and all of the ways it could be enjoyed, toys and all. I take my phone and find the website and I forward a link to the strap on to Teddy, with a wink face. I can't help but laugh as I imagine her reaction when it opens up.

H- *Open image* ;)

T- WTF! HARPER!

H- have you used one of these before?... it looks intimidating.

T- Yes I have... but not like that. It actually sounds pretty intense ;)

H- of course you have I don't know why I even asked... Honestly I have been living in a sheltered world over here, a cave!

T- it also doesn't resemble a penis, which is also kind of making it more attractive.

H- right? Some of them are absolutely eye watering.

T- and it vibrates... and is practically robotic. Harper I'm not sure you are ready for that kind of play ;)

H- My body is telling me something different, apparently I'm beyond ready...and playtime is looking mighty enticing right about now ;) ;)

Two minutes tick by.

H- where did you go?

T- I just bought it, expect it in the post this week :)

H- Teddy that was the most expensive one!!

T- only the best strap for you. LOL .. now for the love of god go buy yourself a vibrator and have some self discovery before I get home.

H- I will, right now.

T- we are just on the bus now. I love you Harper. Have a good sleep ;) don't let Willa or Allie open the wrong packages this week will you?! LOL ;) they might pass out.

H- don't put that idea in my head Theodora... now I will be paranoid all week until it's safely tucked up in a locked drawer.

T- :) :) LOVE YOU x

H- LOVE YOU TOO xx <3