Utah was covered in snow, and the snow shovels were out in force in my fathers street. I hadn't seen him since the summer and I honestly couldn't wait for this moment that was just about to happen.

The large red door opened in front of me, Henry was long passed away, my mamas dog, but Daddy's new dog Burt was by his side, a large Black Labrador he had rescued a few years previously. He nuzzled my hand as he slipped out to greet me, tail banging against the wooden door as I bent down to fuss him. I stroked his neck and looked to him lovingly.

My father smiled down "My eldest" he greets affectionately.

I stand up as my fathers arms wrap around me. His bristly whiskers of his salt and pepper coloured moustache tickle my forehead as he placed a kiss.

My father was now in his seventies, he was still living alone, and we all worried he would be lonely now that we had all moved out of home. My father though, he seemed quite content, with his books, and his teaching which he was still doing down at the university. Professor Anderson was one of the most beloved faculty members, and quite honestly, he was part of the furniture down there now.

The house wasn't always empty though, because Abe was married with three children and lived close by. Merrit was married with two children and dropped in regularly, and Augusta was about to have her first babies with her husband, and was five minutes away. Hyrum, our youngest sibling, he was back from his mission now and at a university nearby, often stopping home for meals.

"Let me look at you" He says taking a step back and holding me out in front of him "my darling daughter you look more like your mama every time I see you" he whispers and his voice falters slightly.

I wonder if it hurts, to see flickers of my mama like that, and to know she is so far, waiting in the wings for him, to take his own steps over the threshold toward her one day.

"I see it too daddy, especially when I braid my hair in certain ways, it's her looking back, but it's comforting like she is there for a moment looking back at me as if to say hello"

"It is comforting darling. I love that she is still here around us all. I talk to her all the time"

"Me too" I return.

"Come on" he says guiding me in his arm into the house, Burt following behind. "Augusta and Louis are on the face time. There is still no sign of the boys, they are making Augusta work for their arrival"

I walk into the family room to see a face time open and voices coming from the computer.
I sit down in the chair beside it.

My father sits beside me on the arm "Alberta is here" he announces.

The family turns their attentions back to our screen "Alberta" they all call out happily.

"Get up here" Augusta shouts.

"I'm coming I promise" I say smiling.

I look to the screens and feel my eyes fill with tears "I missed you guys" I confess.

They all smile back "we missed you too big sister" Merrit confesses, she is sat with a toddler on her lap with curly blonde hair, her daughter Emmiline, who was three years old.

"Hi Emmi" I say waving, and her little face lights up to be acknowledged.

Most of my siblings had actually kept the tradition alive for more formal names for their daughters. I would have too with my second baby if it had been a girl, or even my third or fourth. I had always planned to call our next daughter Josephine after my own father, just as he had done for me, his father being Albert.
It was a family tradition that went right back through a century. I kind of went rogue when we named Harper, but it was always the plan to go back to it, we just never got the chance, no more babies were fated for us.

"Okay Gus, I am coming I promise" I say standing up.

"Yes, hurry Alberta, or you will miss it" she calls out as my father walks me back to the door.

***

Augusta had twin boys that evening, she was following the Anderson tradition, but backwards. She had one boy named Augustus after his mama, and the other, Anderson, after the family, to be called Anders.

August and Anders Miller
5 pounds 2 oz and 5 pounds 1oz

Both boys brought the Anderson cousin numbers up to eight. Harper finally had a group of cousins this side of the family, it just happened that they all came after she was a teenager, and now an adult and mama herself.

"I couldn't have done that without you Alberta" Augusta had whispered as I wiped her brow.

We watched Louis walk around the room with one twin in each arm, proudly looking to them.

"You could have Gus, mama was here" I whisper.

She looks up to me, her blue eyes looking me over lovingly "did you feel her too" she asks.

I lean down and kiss her forehead "of course... she was holding your hand through mine. I felt it" I say smoothing her fair hair back. "She's here little sister... always here" I say and we look back to Louis "the family grows" i muse.

Augusta squeezes my hand "I love you" she whispers.

I turn back with a contented smile "and I, you".

***
I drive my fathers truck back to the house, it is a little late by the time I get back. I had stayed and helped Gus to shower, assisted her to help the boys latch and we had quite honestly just lie down and watched them for hours. The little pink hands and feet of fresh newborns were something to admire, the small sounds they made, and the newborn heavenly scent that came off of their foreheads, it was dreamy, and a light relief to my more painful thoughts of Willa.

As I unlock the front door I am met by the warmth of the house, hitting me like a little taste of Bermuda against the cold outside. I step in and remove my coat and gloves, hanging them on the coat stand. I make my way down the hall, the clock ticking against the quiet inside, my fathers form sat in one of the two arm chairs beside a roaring fire, a drink of whisky in a glass beside him.

"The midwife returns" he calls cheerily as he turns to see me approach.

I smile and take the seat next to him. Burt raises to his feet and pads over to nudge me and I ruffle his hair and sit back in the chair, my head resting on the back, exhausted.

"Here" my father says handing me a crystal glass with a dash of liquor. "Let's wet the boys heads"

I look to him and smile, taking the glass and raising it "To Augustus and Anderson" he announces.

We clink our glasses and both take a sip, looking back to the fire in-front of us.

"I'm glad you came for her Alberta. It's important you all stick together, you are all you have, you siblings. When me and mama are both gone, you will all have each other. Your mama would have been so happy you took her place today, and held Augustas hand through it all"

"Mama did that for me" I reflect and I think back to Harpers birth and how she had been there every step of the way and honestly I want to cry, to sob, because every now and again my mamas loss, it hit me as if it was fresh and she had just taken that last breath a second ago. To live life without your mama, it would always feel wrong, the maternal tie, cut, severed by her loss, and as my mama left this world, that tie, it was forever lost to me, a world without my maternal parent. I wouldn't ever get over that feeling of being lost and alone in a world without her. For years I would pick up the phone to tell her something and remember like a stab through the heart that I couldn't ever hear her voice again, or seek her wisdom.

"She would be so proud of you darling" my daddy says looking over to me beside him.

I feel the fear release, not able to be held back a moment longer as the flames of the fire in the fireplace reflected off of the tears in my eyes.

"I don't know daddy... I'm in a bit of a mess... I'm not sure she would be proud of me for ignoring Willa right now" I confess.

He frowns, his grey bushy eyebrows knitting together.

"Why on earth are you ignoring Willa" he asks me taking another sip from his drink.

"I don't even know how to explain.."

I take a sip from the dark liquid and let it slowly sink down my throat as I grimace at the burn.

"Try... I can offer you an ear" he asks.

I nod and I fill him in, on every last detail of the therapy and why they needed to go. I told him of Willa and Morgan's relationship and how it ended. I told him of how I came to learn that Morgan and Willa had then had drinks after Willa swore to me it was only going to be therapy.

My father sits for a moment and takes it all in, his eyes looking back to mine waiting, waiting for an answer.

"Sometimes Alberta, a person discovers love a little too early, in a person they don't get to keep forever, and it's painful... it happened to me when I was a young man... my first rush of love. The thing was when I met your mother, I didn't love her less because I had loved before, if anything I appreciated that love more. I kept it safe and treasured it, and I did think of this first love sometimes over the years but not in a way that should have made your mama jealous, just in an appreciative way. That first love was part of my journey to your mama. Willa loves you darling. She isn't in New York to reconnect with Morgan, she is in New York to perhaps, close that chapter up in a healthier way, years can make that easier, to let it all go. I don't mean love, I think you keep love for those that touch your heart... forever in some way, tucked inside of you. Willa doesn't have to stop loving Morgan for her to give you all of her, you mustn't see it like that Alberta... as far as I see it Willa has always been one hundred percent with you, she adores you. You can be upset that she didn't ring first and talk it over with you before the drinks, she should have, honesty and respect for your spouse is key, you should have come first, but don't be mad at her for ever loving someone else my darling" he says stroking my chin lightly and wiping a tear away "because what matters is who she is in love with now and who she adores now and that is you"

Tears stream down my cheeks and my dad leans over and pulls me under his arm "it's okay to be scared... love makes us all a little vulnerable... but Willa is your wife, Alberta. She's committed to forever, so don't leave her in this purgatory for too long. Call her and tell her how she has hurt you, then let her fix it... because she will be beating herself up about it all, I'm sure of it"

I wipe the tears from my eyes with both hands trying desperately to dry my face with my sleeves. I was a mess "Now I feel awful daddy... for not picking up her calls or texts"

He squeezes my shoulder.

"Call her now" he suggests.

I nod and lean forward kissing his cheek "I love you daddy" I whisper.

He smiles "I love you too my darling girl".

I walk away into the parlour and pull my phone from my pocket, no missed calls or texts since I landed. I feel horrible. I still feel mad but I also feel guilty for not just having it all out at home, and putting my fears aside. I listen to the voicemail from yesterday and I hold the bannister beside me to steady myself at the emotions Willa's voice stirs. She was right of course, I shouldn't doubt her, but it didn't mean I wasn't hurt.

I dial the number and it only rings for a few seconds before it is picked up, it is after midnight there and she sounds croaky with sleep "Allie" she asks.

"Willa I'm sorry I didn't stay... to talk it out"

She sighs "Allie I love you. I'm so sorry I hurt you..."

I walk slowly up the staircase, to my old bedroom, and I shut the door and sit down on my old bed.

"You did hurt me. Willa you knew I was worried about the therapy, why would you then think drinks after would be okay?"

"I wasn't thinking clearly Allie. The therapy was awful, it brought a lot up, and honestly Morgan was the only one who understood in that moment, what I was going through, and we had to talk it all out"

"What were you going through" I ask curiously knowing the answer would hurt.

"To open it all back up after so long... It hurt and I know you know what that means, that I still care for her. I do Allie, she was a huge part of my life, but as I told her and the therapist I am no longer in love with her. I just care for her deeply, and I can't lie to you about that, because it's true, but that doesn't mean I am in love with her or love you any less. Allie you have it all, all of me"

I sink down onto the comforter and take a breath "is she still in love with you" I ask.

There is a pause and of course I know the answer.

"Yes" she confesses.

My eyes tightly shut as I consider then how she had known that, and still she had drinks with her. "Willa why did you go out after with her if you knew that" I ask as another frustrated tear releases.

"It wasn't like that Allie, we were both feeling it all, all that pain as if it was yesterday and we needed to talk to each other and just let ourselves work through it. There was nothing inappropriate...I swear to god."

"I believe you" I whisper.

I roll onto my side and look out of the window to the silhouettes of the homes along my fathers block, shadowed in the darkness.

"Willa I love you, and being here without you, it's so strange. We always come back together. I feel a lump in my throat knowing you are back in New Hampshire with Harper and Wren, and I am so far from you all" I confess.

"We love you" she whispers.

I smile as a tear runs down onto the pillow beneath my cheek. "I know and I'm so lucky. I just, I think I panicked a little bit, because you have always been the only one for me, but I haven't for you. I worry there's always going to be a part of you who loves Morgan as much as you love me, and I don't know how to feel about it. I know it's just a fact I can't change, and it shouldn't matter, as long as you love me"

"Allie that's just not true. I love you on an entirely different level, our love is life long... I've loved you for as long as I can even remember. I've been in love with you since I was a teenager, that's a really long time, and you are quite literally a part of me. I will say it again, I am not in love with Morgan, but I will always have love for her. Allie you have it all, every piece, and you never have to doubt it and if anything I'm slightly mad that you have"

"You are mad with me" I ask, eyes wide.

"Yes a little bit, you should never doubt my love for you Allie... never. It's the one thing I give you absolutely whole heartedly and should never be in question"

I roll onto my back, and my eyes look to the pictures on my bedside cabinet. There is a picture of Willa and I in our teens, a picture I went to bed looking at for years.
A longing formed each time I took in Willa's smile and her arm wrapped around me.

"I shouldn't doubt you ... and I'm sorry" I confess.

"I know I was wrong, to have that drink and I'm sorry I didn't call you before I did,
to check in. I am sorry Allie"

"Augusta had the boys" I reveal, changing the subject entirely because we would only go round in circles now and I couldn't talk about Morgan one moment longer.

"Oh my god... she did" Willa asks excitedly

"Yes Augustus and Anderson" I reveal.

"Oh she went for the Anderson family tradition huh?"

"She did and they are beautiful" i return "little blondes with the Anderson nose"

"Cute" Willa replies "I can't wait to meet them"

"I said to Harper perhaps we could all travel down in spring break"

"Yes that works" Willa replies.

"Well I better let you go back to sleep" I suggest.

"Allie I love you so much... I miss you" she whispers.

I hold the phone tighter as if I am hugging her to myself.

"I will be home in a few days" I promise. "Keep the bed warm" I ask.

She sounds like she smiles "I will... but Allie do you accept my apology" she asks.

I am slightly hesitant. I did to a degree. I knew she never meant to hurt me,  but I was still hurt by what happened, that she completely disregarded me in her decisions that day. I was her wife, the pain had burrowed in deep and taken root, and I didn't know how long it would take to dig it back out, removing its hold entirely.

"Yes and no. I do, but I'm still a little annoyed... I can't lie"

"You wouldn't be Alberta Anderson if you weren't" she muses.

I nod in agreement "it's the fire of mama... it burns" I add with a smile at the thought of her. "I can't help it... I was born with a flame"

"I wouldn't have you any other way" Willa returns "even if this time I'm the one with singed finger tips"

"I will kiss them better" I offer.

She laughs "I will hold you to that Allie"

This would rumble on a little like a storm in the distance. You could hear it, and all you could do was wonder if it would come your way, bringing its lightening and its stinging rain to your door.

I loved Willa but I didn't love her decisions. I would work through it, the way it had made me feel. I would try and remove the hold it suddenly had over me, the fear that my forever ...wasn't...which even when I consider it, is completely ridiculous, but it slipped into my thoughts at night, and that was a scary place for thoughts to take hold... in dreams.