Therapist: "Theodora, shall I call you that or do you have another preference?"

"If you called me Theodora the entire time I would glaze over and become catatonic... so no let's go with Teddy please"

"Teddy... okay" she says making a note and tapping her pen against her notepad.

The therapy was all online, therapy via zoom until I got back to the states, and actually this suited me fine to be once removed from the actually therapists office. It allowed me to breath in my own space, and have the knowledge I could always reach over and switch her off, if I panicked.

Yeah, not a healthy reaction.

The therapist was one of my team mates sisters and she had given me her card, she was based in New York, so not too far from home. She promised me she would use a slightly more relaxed approach, because therapists who just sit and nod were not for me. I needed more than a sounding board, I needed full interaction and someone else's opinion.

"So in your application you spoke about what you've been through recently and the issues you have faced with relationships, maintaining and keeping them, perhaps ending them prematurely, self sabotage"

I nod "I didn't actually end any prematurely, they never even got to emotional attachment.I think that was more the problem"

"When did you notice this pattern" she asks.

I roll my eyes up in thought "um... I think I've always been this way" I state as I look back to her.

"Is it only in romantic relationships you hold back emotionally" she asks.

I nod "Yes. I have no problem with friendships or family. I love them all deeply"

"So this is a hesitancy with potential romantic connections that could lead to feelings and a deeper connection" she asks.

"It sure looks that way" I return and I sip my water and place it back down as she takes notes.

"And you are openly Bisexual did I read that in your notes"

I know she knows the answer to this but asks me to gage my reaction.

"Yes I am"

She nods and looks back to me.

"Do you connect more to females than males or vice versa, or no difference" she asks.

I take a moment to think about it.

"I would say, I connect emotionally better with females, and males I've had a tendency to... well... keep to physical stimulation only, but then I've never fallen for either the female or the males I've had relationships with...so" and I shrug.

"Okay, why do you think that is" she asks and here it was my first double back, questioning the question.

Why do I think? Why does she think?! she's the therapist.

"I don't know Claudia... I don't know" I state and she nods and makes notes.

"What was your first romantic relationship like?"

I let out a little laugh to think of it "Markus... I was about sixteen or seventeen, it lasted about nine months"

"So that was perhaps your longest relationship... your first" she asks.

I nod "well yes but only because it was so immature and basic. I was a teenager, there was no love with Markus and he ended up hooking up with my team mate, so I dumped him"

"So your first relationship ended because he cheated, is that right"

I nod "yes... the little shit" I remark

She ignores my cursing and moves on.

"Do you think that relationship formed your baseline of how romantic relationships would go for you?"

"No, Markus did not form my baseline... Markus went to the trash where I forgot about him" I say matter of factly.

"You sound irritated by that" she says "does it still bother you"

"Claudia I am not hung up on Markus... can we move on... he was literally a swamp creature. I've seen many nice boys since him, who upped the bar considerably"

"None of which you have ever gone over nine months with again though right?" She asks.

I hesitantly nod.

"I can only say this once, you are barking up the wrong tree"

She looks back to me curiously "said as if you know what tree I should be barking up instead. Teddy you already know where this comes from don't you"

I squint at her.

"No" I reply cautiously.

She writes something down.

"Let's talk about your last relationship" she asks.

I nod. "Okay"

"Who was that with and how long did that last?" She asks.

"My last relationship" I ask out loud.

She nods and I hesitate.

She jumps forward pen extended and pointing to the screen.

"That" she says looking at me "what was that" she asks.

I look back to her confused and she writes something down. "You just hesitated" she muses "why wasn't that easy to answer"

I sit back and mull that over, my thoughts darting from Harper to Jay not knowing which relationship I should mention as the last, technically it was Jay. Harper though, she was the only meaningful of the two, it wasn't ever made official and we never spoke about exactly what we were, that is my hesitation, my heart and my head.

"I don't know. I guess it was Jay. I dated him for just under nine months"

"You guess it was" she repeats and she writes something down.

"And why did that end" she asks "were there feelings"

I shake my head "No not my end"

She looks from me to her notebook and writes it down "and his" she asks.

"Jay, I think he felt something at the end there" I answer honestly.

"And is that why it ended?" She asks.

I shake my head "no it ended because I ..." and I hesitate again because I almost don't want to mention Harpers name. I'm terrified of what will come next.

"I was falling in love with someone else" I finally admit.

She looks up trying to hide her surprise. "And that person ... is she or he in the picture now"

"She is" I return "not quite romantically right now but I plan on changing that when I return to the states" I answer honestly. "With your guidance"

"So, you are in love with her" she asks and I nod and she writes that down "is she the first person you have connected to this way" she asks and I nod and she looks back to her notes "and have you both been together" she asks "sexually... romantically"

I nod hesitantly "we have been in a relationship of sorts I guess, for, I don't even know how long... it feels like forever and only months all at once"

"Then that was the hesitancy earlier. Teddy why did you hesitate to mention the girl you are in love with as your last relationship when clearly she means a lot more than Jay" she asks me.

I gulp and cross my arms across my chest, licking my lips nervously and pulling my bottom lip into my mouth.

"I don't know" I lie.

She raises her eyebrows. "Teddy are you afraid do you think"

"Claudia I'm terrified" I answer honestly.

"what is it you think will happen if you place this girl you love in a relationship with you, acknowledging it's importance and status and allowing her a title ... perhaps say girlfriend?"

I feel my chest rise and fall quickly and my nostrils flare at the anxiety that question reveals.

"You weren't afraid to say Jay was in a relationship with you... but you hesitated to reveal Harper was"

"I don't want to lose her" I say honestly.

She writes that down. "Why would making it official mean the end" she asks.

I place my head in my hands.

"I don't know I just have felt like... like the deeper we go and the bigger the declarations, the labels, the more catastrophic the fall"

"Where have you witnessed such a thing" she asks.

My mind instantly goes to the two most influential women in my childhood and early teens, the love was beautiful, it was strong and powerful and then... it came crashing down.

"Who are you thinking about right now" she asks as I zone out.

I shake it off.

"I just want to be clear, I want to be with Harper and I do want to make her my girlfriend, which is huge change for me, huge... I just want to make sure that I can help us go beyond that, that I can go beyond that"

"If you were to marry you mean" she asks.

I nod "I want to commit... I do. I just... I'm so scared to lose her"

"Teddy you love her now, deeply, is that correct"

I nod my head slowly in agreement.

"So it would be just as painful to lose her now, without the label, as it would be with, the label brings no more pain, and I think you know that deep down. I think this is linked to something you've witnessed that you need closure on. Can you tell me who it was... that you witnessed this catastrophic collapse of?" She asks.

I feel my throat dry as I think of it.

"I mean my sister Thea has had some considerable disasters" I laugh.

She shakes her head "Teddy I mean a relationship you yourself had put on a pedestal, one you looked up to that came crashing down and it didn't just break their hearts. I would hazard a guess to say it broke yours too... how old were you" she asks.

"Twelve or thirteen" I confess "I don't remember exactly"

"And who was it" she asks "who are these two people to you"

I pause and feel a stab of pain to think of them, and what happened.

"Willa she's like my friend, sister and mom rolled into one, she and Morgan, she's a good friend too... it was, it was painful, and shocking. Honestly it's the only thing I can think of when you use that term 'Catastrophic' because it really was"

"Willa and Morgan" she repeats. "I'm guessing you are still in contact with both and friendly?" She asks.

I nod and she writes something down "I think when you get back here. I think perhaps we should bring them into a session if you think they wouldn't mind"

I nod "okay" I return. "I can ask"

"I would rather do a group session in person than the Skype. Let's get it in the diary as soon as we can. Teddy next time we can talk more about your father because I think that's going to be most beneficial right now"

Tears begin to brim against my lashes.

"Okay" I say "bye Claudia"

I shut the laptop with a slam and collapse forward into my hands sobbing.

Therapy it seems, it is not going to be a walk in the park.

***
"How is your father now" Claudia asks.

I take a deep breath.

"Not great... he's alive but he's not going to make it. I just know it" I reply and she nods softly.

"What makes you say that" she asks.

I pull my knees up under my chin and lean on them, like a shield placed between me and the question "he's weak, and to be quite honest, he's never going to fully recover, so why would he want to stay here like this?"

"Tell me how your fathers illness and recovery or lack there of has affected you the last three or four months Teddy" she asks.

"Not great I'm ashamed to say" I return hanging my head slightly.

"You are ashamed... why" she asks.

I look back up to her. "Because I've run away. I mean I had to come to Europe to pay for his bills but I'm not there am I. I'm not helping my momma or my sisters care for him and I'm not holding his hand... and I'm ashamed Claudia because I've buried all of that and my collapsed relationship with Harper... in other people"

"What do you mean" she asks.

I close my eyes as I force myself to confess it "I've slept with a couple of people, to feel anything but that pain. I've just gone back to my factory setting if you will... And I'm disgusted with myself"

"Teddy having sex is nothing to be ashamed of, if it is consensual and something you wanted or needed. I think you're ashamed of it because of how it affects Harper"

"Of course I am. Harper deserves better than that, she didn't do it to me, she didn't get under anyone else to get over me"

"Everyone deals with stress and trauma differently but I think the main point is that you and Harper were not together... you weren't unfaithful to her"

"It doesn't matter. I still feel like my skin is crawling when I think about it. It was this guy at the gym, it was too easy to take every ounce of my pain and throw it at him, he enjoyed a little pleasure and pain and I enjoyed releasing it.He meant nothing of course but it was easy and it made me forget the hour I was there, and that was a mercy...to forget."

"And the other" she asks.

I feel slightly more uncomfortable "it was once, with my room mate Avery. We got very drunk and intimate after a night out, it was intense and fast and I stopped it before we both ended up fully unclothed"

"What made you stop" she asks.

"Because she felt so soft, and smelt so sweet, just like Harper, and it became clear that I would never be able to touch another girl and not think of her. I couldn't do it... not another woman"

"So do you think you had casual sex with the guy at the gym because he was as far removed from Harper as possible?" She asks and I nod.

"Most certainly. There was absolutely nothing familiar or comforting about Isra. He was literally a tool to forget"

***

"What is it you think will happen if you aren't the one to take care of everyone?" She asks.

I lie back on the couch, the laptop is propped up on my stomach, it is a free day, in early December and at this point Claudia has walked me through a lifetime of issues and personality quirks and we have discussed every inch of my life.

It was startling how much one person who's job it is can pull out every weapon in your arsenal and find a reason for its appearance.

So far I knew I avoided serious relationships because I witnessed the horrific demise of Willa and Morgan. I'm intense, driven and a little cocky because I'm the youngest in a family who doted on me, filled me with confidence, who let me be whomever the hell I wanted. They allowed me to seek and work toward big dreams, when I was literally just a preschooler. Strong women create strong women and I was surrounded by them. I literally had no choice, I was going to be a force of nature by default, it nothing to do with me. I could only imagine how Wren would turn out, she was another generation down the track, she would be sure to knock me out of the park but I would make sure she never feared the one thing I had, love. No, go forth Wren and love with your whole heart, no fear "little bit" no fear.

I swirl my finger over my arm as I lie there looking back at her "Im not sure I ever think about what will happen if I don't. I just have to"

"Why is that Teddy" she pushes again.

I look up at the ceiling before glancing back "Claudia they all looked after me... it's my turn"

"Okay" she muses "Now tell me about Wren" she asks left field and my lips lift instantly into a smile "she is almost one years old" I begin and I sit up and move the laptop onto the coffee table beside the couch, leaning forward in thought. "She is perfection, utter perfection, she is just like Harper but with a hint of everyone else around her. Wren is the mixing pot of us all and she's going to be incredible. I honestly have never known love like it... she just started saying certain words and she kills me when she calls me mama-mama. I honestly... I would die for her in a heartbeat"

"Who is she to you" she asks.

I inhale deeply "she is my child, perhaps not genetically but I don't even consider how she came to be... because how she came to enter the world was more important, with Harper and I and a whole lot of love"

"I think Wren is most probably the catalyst for the way you are accepting change Teddy. You say you are terrified of building this thing with Harper too high, but on the other hand you are protective, with a big heart, that surrounds the people you love, sometimes at a detriment to your own well being . You wouldn't hurt Harper and Wren, it goes against everything we have uncovered about you these past six weeks. I think once we get Willa and Morgan into a session with you and work that fear through, you are going to have the tools to take that life you want, with both hands"

"Claudia I should pay you more" I suggest and she laughs.

I had gone from hating my sessions to appreciating each and every one and I would have a lot to thank Claudia for by the time we were through, she changed my life and the blessings to come, would be bountiful.