"Are you leaving?" He put emphasis on 'leaving,' and it gave me a chill thinking about how permanent he made that sound. It almost sounded as if he were asking if I were leaving him all together. I sunk my head and peered down to the house keys in hand, drawing a sharp breath. I had no idea where I was going nor did I have any clue what to even do with myself. In the moment the only certainty I had was knowing I needed to get out of this house, and for the time being, away from Mark. At least for a short while.

"I just need to get some fresh air." I shoved the house keys into the front pocket of my sweater, kind of feeling guilty. I hadn't told him if I believed him, and I was still so unsure of that myself. There were just so many questions that would do no good to ask, and not enough answers. I wouldn't be able to think for myself if I had Mark constantly trying to convince me that he's innocent. I knew the only way to figure things out was by spending sometime alone to reflect

"Please don't go," Mark whimpered, forcing the urge to look up to him. The moment our eyes locked I caught a cool breath and got a shiver. I felt those were eyes I didn't know. I could no longer see the brilliant beam of loving warmth, and I no longer felt as if I could see through to his soul. They just seemed empty to me. Things were changing. Or at least we, as a couple, felt somewhat different.

"I have to. I need some time to clear my head." Mark leaned forward on the sofa resting both of his elbows on his knees, and placed his face in the palms of his hands beginning to tug at his raven locks. I was unsure how to respond. It was clear he was upset, be it at me for not full heartedly believing him or perhaps himself but, the man was in shambles and I was watching him hit his breaking point.

"Please don't leave me." My heart had full on stopped hearing that. I almost felt selfish for needing some time to myself. I took one final look at Mark and then started towards the front door, trying to convince myself that I was doing the right thing. I still loved him, and cared for him more than I cared about myself, those feelings didn't change. I somewhat felt the need to console him but for once, I had to do something for myself. I just never thought it'd be this difficult, especially given the situation.

I slipped my feet into my shoes at the door and, as I brought my hand to the doorknob I felt a crushing pain in my head and heart just knowing, the world outside these walls were now so different. Everything was colourless, still, quiet and it seemed as if all the beauty in my world had vanished. "You don't believe me, do you?" The very question made me shutter, and I didn't know how to answer him. He couldn't really expect me to fall into his arms, kiss him and tell him everything would be alright. The fact that it seemed as if that's what he was looking for kind of caught me off guard.

"I-I don't know. I just need to get out and clear my head. I'll be back later."--"Can I at least have a hug before you go," he whimpered in response, looking up to me with pleading eyes. In the moment that was possibly one of the hardest things he could have asked of me. There was a large part of me that really didn't want to hug him, it just wouldn't be the same. I'd just keep thinking about another woman's hands on him or wonder if when he hugs me, if he's thinking about her. I didn't want to feel this way, and I was so frustrated that I did but, for the time being, I had no control over my thoughts and emotions.

Feeling my upper lip beginning to quiver, I bit down on it to stop it, and nodded my head. I just couldn't bring myself to say no to him. I stood still where I was an stretched out my arms awaiting him to fill them. Mark seemed hesitant to move, as if he wasn't sure if it were a good idea or not. I watched as it appeared that he were about to get up from the sofa but, he didn't. He rested his hands on his knees, keeled over as if in pain and I could hear his shallow breathing.

Seeing the man crumble, and my need to still provide him comfort and security intensify, I was the one to make the move and went into the living room. As I got within arms reach, I stopped and Mark finally looked back up at me, guilt and regret solidly painted his face. There wasn't much him nor I appeared to be able to say at the moment but, at the same time perhaps that was best. There was nothing he could say to make me feel better and I just had nothing to say to him in general. As hard as the silence was on me, I stayed quiet and returned his gaze.

After a short moment, Mark finally began to awkwardly scratch at his chin before coming up onto his feet and meeting my body with his own. His arms locked tight around my torso, in an emotionally painful embrace. "I just want you to remember... you're the one I love," he whispered into my ear before planting a light kiss onto my cheek. As I nuzzled into the crook of his neck trying my best to cherish the moment, it was disrupted and completely destroyed by the fragrance still lingering from off his clothing. Something told me right than, that I'd never smell lavender the same way again.

***

Felling my heart rate intensifying, I took a reluctant footstep, than another and then another, up a familiar driveway. What awaited me behind the brick structure, I hadn't had a clue. I had just hoped I was welcomed with open arms. I halted at the foot of the stairs up to the porch, and took a deep breath, trying to get my mind in order. I had no idea what I was going to do or say, or why I was even here, it just felt like something I needed to do. The brisk air filling my lungs was a bit of a comfort and for a moment, put me in a state of tranquility.

I closed my eyes for a moment drawing another breath in before I took my first step up towards the front door. I was shaking from nerves, and it felt as if I were going to black out. The anxiety of what I was about to do had set in, and it felt as if I were going through an intense state of claustrophobia the closer I got to ring the doorbell. It was as of my vision was getting darker and the world was clasping down around me. If I ever had had ever been close to having a panic attack, this was it but, somehow I managed to push forward.

With a trembling hand, I pressed the button of the doorbell, stood back and awaited an answer. The wait, although not long was absolutely agonizing. My palms were beginning to get clammy, my mind was racing a marathon against itself and there wasn't a single thing I could do about. All I could do was stay put and hope I made the right decision in coming here. I took in the sound of heavy footsteps coming from behind the door, and as they got closer, I was beginning to hyperventilate.

The oak wood door swung open in an instant, and a set of perplexed eyes stared back at me. Her inquisitive gaze searched for mine as I bowed my head in shame for a moment before lifting my head to finally face her, still so unsure of what to say. "You look like shit. Are you okay?" I could barely find the strength to look her in the eye. I was so ashamed of myself for having lied to her time and time again, and I felt foolish for thinking she'd forgive me now, when I need her the most. However, I had hoped she meant what she said earlier about always being there. Just by being here I was bearing all, and showing just how desperate and vulnerable I truly was.

I couldn't find any type of words at the time. I couldn't bring myself to say yes or no, or even give her some sort of explanation as to why I was even here. Out of a nervous habit, I began to bite both of my lips together. It was time to tell her, I just didn't know how. Eventually after spending a few moments in an awkward silence, I somehow managed to slightly nod my head in response with a false grin. Although I was unsure if I was trying to smile because I didn't want to break down in front of her, or if I was trying to fool myself into believing that I was okay.

"Are you sure you're okay?" It didn't surprise me that Juliet had seen through my act, she usually away did but I was far from being okay. My body began to tremble, lips quivering and eyes beginning to tear. I squinted my eyes shut tight to prevent the flow of tears, hung my head into my chest and shook my head from side to side. She had already seen through my disguise, there was no real use in lying to her anymore, or myself.

Without giving it a second thought, feeling each new new crack to my heart surface, I shook my head from side to side and flung my arms around her neck. As I buried my heated face into the arch of her next, and although her velvet smooth hair was tangled in mu face, I didn't care. Just feeling her in my grasp was a sorts of comfort. It was clear to tell she was a bit stunned by my actions, as it took he a moment to make any type of response but, soon enough we stood in a tight embrace on her porch.

"What'd he do?" Instantaneously the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end and I was chilled to the bone. I drew away from Juliet, raising an eyebrow to the question. The small grin that formed on her face from my surprise, said she clearly knew something and I just didn't know what exactly, or even how. "No boy is worth crying about. Not even Mr. Fischbach." My heart made a sudden jump just hearing his name, and the fact that she knew.

"How did you kn..."--"I've known for a while. I've just felt like maybe I should wait until you're comfortable with telling me." I completely froze at her confession. I was both baffled and shocked, I now had so many more questions that I wanted answers to but, at the time that wasn't my main concern. I needed to talk to someone, and felt like perhaps Juliet could help me figure things out. It was clear I wouldn't get very far doing it on my own, I needed the help and guidance of my best friend.

"Do you mind if I come in for a bit," I sniffled bringing my sweater sleeve up to my face, patting my eyes dry. The look she gave me in response made me feel if perhaps I had asked a stupid question and I suppose I did. However, after all that happened between us, I wasn't sure if she'd be so welcoming towards me. "You know I don't mind." A light grip around my forearm was taken, and I was lead into the house, without even taking off my shoes. With the sound of thuds from our feet against the flooring, we wandered down the hallway without a word, and found our way into her kitchen.

Upon entering, had taken a seat in the closest chair at the table, still in complete disbelief that I was about to confess to everything that I had held secret for so long. Although my nerves were somewhat more at ease now knowing she at least knew about Mark, I was still so afraid of how she's react once I told her everything. She may have knowledge of Mr. Fischbach but she had no idea the extent of our relationship.

With a breathy exhale, I folder my arms on top of the table, resting my head on top of them in deep thought. There was so much to tell her, I was at a loss for words trying to figure out where to begin. I couldn't very well just jump to the whole 'he cheated on me' thing without explaining how everything even started. I was just worried about being judged, and that was the last thing I needed at the time. "So what's up buttercup," Juliet inquired with a rather peppy tone of voice. Her lighthearted silliness was enough to make to grin for a small period of time, and in a way it put me just a bit more at ease.

"I'm gonna tell you what's been going on but please, I need you to promise me you're gonna keep this to yourself." The gleam in Juliet's eyes as she sat down next to me at the table had entirely vanished when she took realization in just how serious I was. "I've known for a while already. I haven't said anything thus far and I don't intend to." Again I was plagued with curiosity as to how she knew about Mark and I but, finding out can wait. In the moment my main concern and number one priority was explaining our situation to an outsider looking in, and perhaps that may give me better insight and a clear understanding of what I should do.

I took a moment to convince myself I was doing the right thing by talking to Juliet. The pressure that had set in my chest, the sweat beginning to form across the palms of my hands and the pounding in my head was so overbearing that it became hard to think straight. Talking to my best friend had never seemed so difficult and the anxiety that was beginning to set in was overpowering.

My mind was furiously racing through memories that pretty much summed up Mark and I's relationship. With lightening speed I was able perfectly visualize flashbacks of my entire life with Mark. As I closed my eyes I could still see him pacing the front of the classroom in that dark grey suit jacket on the first day of first semester, I could still hear his soft spoken words every time he called me beautiful or said he loves me. I could still feel the gentle caress of his soft fingertips trailing over my body every time we made sweet, passionate love. However I could still see his deep reservation towards me over the last few days. I could still feel the rage and jealousy from earlier today and I could still smell the lavender perfume.

My very mind, body and soul was attacking me, forcing me to submit to a vile sensation of disbelief, loneliness and sorrow. I was ripping at the seam, becoming undone much quicker than I ever realized as before I knew it, I had tears flooding my vision. "Is it that bad," Juliet inquired reached a hand over and grabbing a hold on one of mine. I began to shutter and my entire body trembled. She really had no idea how badly my entire situation was beginning to take its toll on me, and even after I explain, she never would be able to fully comprehend.

"M-ark and I have been seeing each other for about four months now. I'm actually the whole reason he quit teaching. It was the only way we could be together without risk." I sniffled as a small smile began to form while I mentally brought myself back to the day he had told me he quit teaching. That was perhaps the most romantic thing I ever heard of anyone doing, and he did it for me. "For the next two months after he quit he went back to his old job as a bartender and finally he met my parents."

I heard Juliet sigh out in awe, and I brought my attention up to her. She sat looking at me with soft eyes and an even softer smile listening to our story. So far she didn't seem as judgemental as I thought she'd be and that made this confession all that much more easier on me. "That's when shit hit the fan," I continued with a huff. I had now gotten to the point I was dreading the most and the pressure sinking in was absolutely staggering.

"Remember how I said I was sick over break..." I paused as if waiting for an answer, although I wasn't. I just wasn't exactly prepared to admit I had lied. Although it wasn't what I was looking for Juliet had stayed quite and just nodded her head signifying that she remembered. I watched as her brow furrowed, clearly so uncertain of what I was getting at and even though it was a small lie with good reasoning, I felt the weight of the world crushing down on me.

"Well, I had actually gotten kicked out of the house," I muttered. Juliet's mouth hung open ever so slightly. It was clear that wasn't exactly what she expected to hear and that certainly wasn't the absolute worse part of all this. "My dad didn't approve of Mark and you know what a hard ass my dad can be. I was given the option to leave him or leave home. I did what felt right at the time, and I left the house. For just about the last month I've been living with Mark."-- "He made a sacrifice and so did you. That's true love right there," Juliet responded patting onto my hand as if some sort of comfort.

"These things happen and it sucks but, if this happened a month ago why are you only coming to me now?" I truly didn't want to tell her that I didn't trust her enough to not say anything. Juliet's known as a social butterfly and more often than not, she lived for gossip. However even so, that wasn't entirely the case. I thought I could handle it by myself, or at least with Mark by my side but, now that he wasn't, the entire situation was hitting me harder than ever before. I wasn't strong enough to do this on my own, which is ultimately why I was here.

"I wanted to tell you but, we couldn't risk it. I'm sorry I hid such a large part of my life from you and I'm sorry I lied but, please believe me when I say I had good intentions." A warm grin lined her face and shimmer in her eyes lit aglow. I immediate felt a wave of relief rush over me, and the boulder I had carried on my shoulder for so long had finally shrunk in size. Now that Juliet had a fair understanding of what was going on, I felt even more confident that she could guide me in figuring out what I should do about this new found problem.

"It sounds like you found the type of love that's worth the risk. He risked, and sacrificed his career, and you sacrificed your home... but why do I get the feeling you're not happy?" I tore my hand away from her's, leaned back in the chair and ran my fingers through my hair in deep contemplation. "I WAS happy... once. Now, I'm not so sure." The slanted lips and raised eyebrow that played upon her face said I had peeked both her curiosity and concern. Somehow through all this news, surprisingly she had done well with keeping quiet and not interrupting me which, I very much appreciated. Keeping silent when needed was just a small way of making this slightly more easy.

"Okay... So you WERE happy. Well why aren't you now?" Strangely enough that seemed like a very difficult question to answer. My thoughts and emotions were a puzzle all their own and I knew I didn't have all the pieces. I could only answer based of the mysterious, unfinished conclusion I had reached and hoped it'd be enough to where she may be able to help me fit the pieces together. It wasn't that I was entirely unhappy, I just didn't know how I felt anymore. When I felt one hundred different emotions at once, it was hard to isolate them long enough to determine an overall sensation. All I was certain of was that I was confused and hurt by someone the one I love, someone who I thought loved me just as much.

"About two weeks ago, Mark started teaching again at a new school. It's certainly something he has a passion for and I was nothing but supportive at first but..." I swallowed hard and took a moment just to take a couple of deep breaths. My mind couldn't think straight long enough to grasp ahold of a short and easy explanation. As I result I continued to babble and blurt out the exact words that came to mind without giving much thought to exactly what I wanted to say.  "Thursday we had gotten into a huge argument. In fact, we had argued quite a few times since I moved in but, it was never anything major. Thursday was a point in which we both kind of snapped."

Feeling my heart begin to cave in, and my arms shaking from a flood of: anger, jealousy and despair, I balled both my hands tightly into a fist, trying my best not to cry at the thought of what I was about to reveal. "Every couple figh..."--"You don't get it, there's more," I whined feeling a single tear begin to glide down my heated cheeks. I sniffled and looked up to Jewels who had shock written across her face, evidently from the scene she was witnessing. This was the moment I was certain she finally realized just how distressed I truly was.

"Nothing really felt the same since Thursday. By Friday, he was late coming home and when he did, he seemed really cold. I asked if something was wrong, but he bought me flowers and said he was trying so I thought maybe he was trying to make it up to me and left it without question." Thinking back to the moment he laid that beautiful bouquet down in front of me, completed warmed my heart. The happiness that memory brought me was unfortunately short lived because than I started wondering if those flowers were a way of trying to make up for whatever happen that day at work.

"Later that night, we were getting ready for bed, and he was being a tease by striping his shirt slowly for me." Immediately I cringed in disbelief that I even said that to her. I could see Juliet biting down on her lips to pretend her from laughing, and I was glad she did as this was no joking matter. "He threw his shirt at me playfully and it smelled like a woman's perfume." Just recollecting the memory brought me a type of pain in which I really didn't want to relive. The experience was hard enough the first time. Unfortunately however, that was not something I was going to easily be able to get over.

"He was late coming home and smelled of perfume again today. I really didn't want to believe my suspicions at first but, the conversation that came afterwards was more or less confirmation." I could see it in Juliet's eyes, she was hurting for me. I was always the type to wear my heart on my sleeve and, I'm sure she could easily see just how broken I was. "Supposedly there's a student that came on to him. Apparently she came onto him Friday and forced herself onto him today after school. He was suspended from work and he's now under investigation by the school board. He's now at risk of getting his teaching license pulled all together. "

The reddish tinge to Juliet's cheeks seemed to be getting deeper by the second and the raging fire in her eyes told me that he was furious. "Serves him right! I hope the fucker does get his license pulled," she shouted. A small part of me felt the same but, because I love him, even if he's guilty, I wouldn't want that. However because I love him, I also wanted to believe in his innocence.

"I just don't know what to do. I want to believe him but.."--"But nothing! If he was as innocent as he claimed, why didn't he tell you about her coming onto him on Friday?" That was a question I hadn't exactly asked myself and now that I did, I couldn't come up with anything. If Mark was innocent, I just couldn't piece together why he wouldn't tell me on Friday when I even asked him if he was okay.

Not having an answer or explanation of any kind, I shrugged my shoulders. She brought up a very good question one in which, had I had an answer too, would have helped me in determining what I wanted to believe. "Let me ask you something," Juliet began reaching back over to my hand resting against the table top. "You two were seeing each other while he was still our teacher, correct?" My blood ran cold wondering what she could possibly be getting at. She had a reason for asking that, and I was almost scared to know why. "Y-yeah," I stuttered in response.

"I'm really sorry to say this but, if that's the case I think it's safe to assume maybe you weren't the first student he pursued and, you probably weren't his last." The very idea made me sick. My stomach was souring at the thought, and it seemed as if all the colour had drained from my face. I was nothing special. I was just a typical high schooler. I had nothing to offer that another student couldn't. I had never thought about it like that, and now that I had it seemed to have opened up a whole new world of clarification.

"What should I do?"--"It's clear you're confused. I can't give you all the answer you're looking for however I can give you some advice." Juliet had paused and made it a point to get up from her seat only to come around and wrap her arms around my neck from behind. "Perhaps you should go home for a little while. At least until you figure things out." I didn't exactly want to admit it to myself at first but, I knew she was right. Until I felt like I had things figured out, maybe it was best I go back home. However there remained two problems.

"All of my belongings are at Mark's, and I don't even know if I'd be welcome back at home." Juliet's arms griped around my shoulders tightly, and she gave me a squeeze. Knowing my best friend was there for me, and completely more understanding than I thought she'd be helped to ease my mind. I wasn't as alone as I thought. "Call your parents and talk to them. If they say it's okay, I'll take to back to his place to pick up your belongings." I was in sheer disbelief that I was even considering it but, end of the day I had to do what was right for me.