♥︎ ✯ ☘︎︎

𝟏𝟒 ... 𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐲

☘︎︎ ✯ ♥︎

callie 💋

Paris is beautiful. And not just because the sun is glinting off the Eiffel Tower in the distance or because the architecture is stunning, but because the energy is breathtaking. French people are known to be rude, but everywhere I look, people chat and laugh without a care in the world. Their energy is infectious, and my friends are delirious with happiness as we share breakfast together. We arrived in Paris late last night after the show in Nice and got up early to make the most of our only full day here.

However, although my friends are chattering excitedly about what they want to do today, I am picking at my half-eaten crepe, eyes glued to a single strawberry on the side of my plate. I don't feel the same joyous energy that everyone else does. Rather, I feel miserable, my entire body drained of life.

I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday and she sounded so tired. She tries to pretend she's okay, but I know her better. She's not doing well, and it kills me that I'm on the other side of the world. Her journal is the only thing stopping me from going home. Reading about the adventures she went on with her friends offers me a whole new perspective of my mom. I can't be by her side right now, but I still feel like she's with me while I visit all the places she went.

On the other hand, Matt is pissing me off like never before. Part of me thought he would keep bugging me after our fight on the train in an attempt to get me to forgive him. And the sad thing is, I would have.

But instead of trying to make amends, he seems to have decided he is over whatever he felt for me and is now interested in Ariana. Whenever I look at him, he is intently listening to her speak, or laughing at something she said.

Jealousy has become a familiar emotion, but I'm getting sick of bile rising in the back of my throat every time she puts her hand on his arm and smiles at him like he's the love of her life. I am sick of him being the last thought in my mind before I fall asleep, and the first thought when I wake up. I'm sick of searching out his face before any other when I step into a room. And I'm sick of replaying the night we spent together in Amalfi over and over again in my head. I want it all to stop.

I can't keep seeing Matt every day and pretend like I don't desperately want him to tear all my walls down and learn every little thing about me. I'm so fucking scared, but I think if he asked for my heart, I would give it to him. Hesitantly, slowly, but I would give it to him nonetheless. And that makes me weak.

"Hey." Bryn gently nudges my arm from beside me, pulling me out of the internal spiral I had slipped into. "You okay?"

I nod and flash Bryn a tight smile. "Yup. Just peachy."

Bryn doesn't look convinced, but she lets it go and continues chatting with Madi about touring the Louvre later.

A quiet sigh slips from my lips. Get your head out of the gutter, Callie. You're better than this. But instead of refocusing my attention, my gaze shifts across the table like it's drawn to a magnet. Matt is already looking at me, his eyes soft. I meet his gaze head-on for a couple seconds before I look away. I can't handle him looking at me like he still sees past all my defences. It makes me want to cry.

"Hey." Chris taps my arm as he crouches down behind me, forcing me to shift in my chair to see him. His chair on the other side of Bryn is vacated, but no one seems to notice, continuing their conversation.

"You look stupid crouched down like that," I state bluntly, raising my eyebrows at Chris, who barely fits between my chair and the wall. "What're you doing?"

"Bryn and I have to run an errand this morning. Do you want to come with us?" Chris asks, his voice hushed.

"Are we going to steal the Mona Lisa?" I drop my voice to the same volume and widen my eyes in mock surprise. "I didn't think you guys got down like that, but of course I'm in."

Chris scowls and flicks my forehead. "Shut the fuck up. We need to pick something up, but it's a surprise for everyone else. I thought you might like to get away from Princess over there."

I follow Chris' gaze to where Ariana is twirling her blonde hair around her finger and batting her eyelashes at Matt, who seems oblivious as he talks to Bryn. Yeah, I could do with some space, both from her and the boy she is infatuated with. "Yeah, I'm in."

Chris smiles in satisfaction and stands up to his full height. "Good. Let's go."

"Now?" I gape in surprise, my jaw dropping lower when Bryn also stands.

"Chris, Callie, and I are going to run an errand," Bryn announces so everyone can hear. "We'll be back in an hour or so."

"What kind of errand do the three of you have to run?" Nick questions suspiciously, his eyes flickering between us.

"You'll find out!" Chris jogs around the table to kiss Nick and Matt's heads. Nick smacks him away with a scowl, and Matt raises his eyebrows and takes another bite of his crepe. "See you losers later."

Before I can say anything, Bryn grabs my hand and pulls me after Chris, eagerly strolling towards the restaurant's front door. I suppose he's hoping to escape before anyone realizes we haven't paid yet. No complaints from me. Matt can pay for my breakfast to make up for stomping on my heart.

When we step outside, a chilly breeze drifts past me, brushing over every inch of my skin. The sun is almost fully risen, and the sky is pale blue with wispy clouds the colour of snow. Birds are chirping and I can faintly hear water lapping in the nearby canal. Paris feels almost dreamlike in this light, quiet streets and the faint scent of baked goods hanging in the air. I take a deep breath, trying to clear the fog from my mind. Life has been a shitshow, but I'm in Paris with my best friend and her boyfriend, who I can tolerate. I am perfectly okay.

Chris leads the way to an Uber parked at the side of the street, and the three of us squish into the backseat. Only once we're driving do I ask again where we're going.

Chris and Bryn exchange a grin. "You'll see." Chris winks at me, making me scowl while Bryn giggles. Forget what I said about tolerating this motherfucker. He's annoying as shit.

Before long I figure out we're driving to the airport, and there's only one answer to who we're picking up. But Bryn and Chris are both so excited and, knowing them, will be devastated if I figure out the surprise before we get there, so I keep my mouth shut.

The Uber pulls into the pick-up lane of the airport, and Bryn is instantly squealing and scrambling out of the car. Chris quickly follows her, leaving me to hop out of the backseat last.

Bryn is hugging a guy wearing a Boston ball cap like she is afraid if she lets go, he will vanish. He laughs and hugs her back with one arm as he daps up Chris with his free hand. Chris is beaming, his happiness radiating through his whole body. There are not many people who both Bryn and Chris would be this ecstatic to see, and I can't deny that I am excited to see him too.

When Bryn finally lets him go, I greet the light-brunette-haired guy. "Nathan."

Nate stands straight to attention and his smile drops, making Chris and Bryn glance between us in confusion. "Callie."

We silently stare at each other for a few seconds before I can't stay quiet anymore. "I totally won fair and square!"

"You did not, you cheated!" Nate argues, immediately understanding what I am talking about.

I snort with laughter and shake my head. "I absolutely did not! You died all on your own, and it was no one's fault but yours."

"What is going on?" Chris interrupts, his brow furrowed as he tries to process what is happening.

My mouth curls into a sneaky grin. "Ever since we met when we all went to Laguna, we've been playing video games together."

"We played Fortnite yesterday and Callie cheated." Nate scowls at me, but his lips quickly flip into a wide smile. "But I must admit, it was a pretty electric win."

When Nate's easy grin meets mine, a crack of sunlight breaks through my stormy mood and I can't resist hugging him. "I know it was."

"I'm confused." Bryn's voice raises an octave as she continues to look back and forth between Nate and me. "You guys are actually friends? Like, a mutual friendship? Not just Nate thinking you're friends and Callie secretly hating him?"

"I think he's pretty awesome, actually." I stand on my tiptoes to throw my arm over Nathan's shoulder, but with our height difference, it must look silly.

Nathan laughs and swings his arm up over my shoulders. "She's shit at Chained Together though."

I laugh in disbelief and shove him away from me. "I am not! You're way worse than me!"

"I'm so confused," Chris mutters, looking as lost as Bryn. "How have neither of you mentioned that you're talking all the time now?"

I shrug, not voicing an answer. Honestly, my friendship with Nathan has become something of a safe place. He's a part of my friend group, but he is not around all the time, so he's not a direct witness to what goes on. It makes it easy to confide in him. He probably knows as much about me as Bryn does, and that is truly saying something.

Nathan shrugs too, and Chris shakes his head in disbelief. "You guys are insane. Well, I'm glad this was a good surprise then."

Bryn's face grows into a massive smile, and I wince before the squeal even leaves her mouth. "My best friends are best friends! It's a Christmas miracle!"

"It's only October." I frown, but when Bryn throws her arms around both Nate and me, I can't help but laugh. "You're crazy."

"I don't care!" Bryn squeezes us tight for a moment before stepping back, her face glowing with happiness.

And unlike earlier when everyone's happy moods seemed to blow right past me, this time, I feel the warmth of Bryn's smile and the laughter exchanged as Chris jumps on Nate's back.

Maybe I really will be okay.

matt 🍁

The Eiffel Tower stands tall above. Voices are loud around me, both from tourists crowded in front of the iconic structure and from Nick and Madi yapping about who knows what. My gaze is fixed on the tower, amazement settling over me as I take it in. I think my mom would love Paris. I've seen things all day that have made me think of her, but whenever I think of Mom, my thoughts lead to Callie. If I'm thinking about my mom, I can't even imagine how she is feeling.

I've seen her reading her mom's journal and she's almost halfway through now. She always looks so invested, like she is reading a mystery novel rather than journal entries written twenty years ago. I wonder what her mom did when she was in Paris.

"Matt, are you listening to me?" Ariana tugs on the sleeve of my jacket, drawing my attention away from the tower.

"Yeah, I'm listening." I push away thoughts of Callie and focus on the blonde girl next to me. Ariana is great—smart, beautiful, and kind. But when she laughs, it doesn't feel like the world pauses for her, like it does for Callie. Because it's a magical thing when Callie smiles.

Ariana is nice, but I think that's the problem. I don't know if I want nice anymore. I think I like it when a girl isn't afraid to yell at me and put me in my place. I like fighting, and I like never knowing what to expect. Before meeting Callie, I think I would have easily fallen head over heels for someone like Ariana, someone who is easy to be with and a safe option. But I'm learning more about what I want, and I don't want easy. I want Callie.

"Matt!" Ariana snaps, her voice simmering with frustration. "You're not listening!"

"Sorry, sorry," I mumble, racking a hand through my hair. "I'm tired."

"Clearly," Ariana huffs, stepping away from me to join Nick and Madi's conversation.

I sigh and move to follow her, but I stop short at the sound of a familiar laugh, a laugh that sends shivers through my body and my stomach into a nervous spiral. My eyes frantically search the grassy area we are standing in, desperately searching for the owner of that laugh. And when I find her, my stomach drops to my feet.

Callie's face is lit up in a wide smile and her chin is tilted up so she can see the person she is walking arm-in-arm with. She is still laughing at something that he said, and his laugh blends with hers. What the hell are they laughing about? What is he saying to make her smile like that? Shit, I hate how much I want to know.

My breath catches as I process who Callie is walking with. "Nathan?"

Nate's grin doesn't falter as he looks away from Callie, his eyes quickly landing on me. "Matty!"

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Nick exclaims, beating me to hug Nate.

"I'll give you one guess who masterminded it." Nate grins and looks over his shoulder. Nick and I follow his gaze to see Chris giving Bryn a piggyback through the park, stopping every time she excitedly points something out.

"Bryn. Of course." I shake my head in amazement and nudge Nick out of the way so I can hug Nate. "It's good to see you, man."

"You too." Nate pats my back before releasing me and greeting Madi and Ariana. "Hey, Mads, good to see you! And you must be Ariana."

"You look significantly happier than you did earlier." Nick's voice pulls my attention back to him and Callie.

Callie shrugs, her light-hearted smile not faltering. "I'm happy to see Nate."

"I didn't realize you guys were friends." Nick raises his eyebrows at Callie, clearly as lost as I am. "When did that happen?"

Callie shrugs again, her eyes glinting with mischief. "Laguna."

Laguna? That means they've been secretly talking for three months. How did I not know that?

Nathan steps back beside Callie and whispers something in her ear, making her snort with laughter and murmur something back.

A hot flare of jealousy rips through my chest and I subconsciously tighten my hands into fists. What is going on right now?

Chris jogs up beside us, Bryn laughing hysterically as he spins in a few circles before stopping beside me. "I see you guys are as flabbergasted as us to find out that Nathan and Callie are friends."

"Cal, no offence, but you suck at making friends," Nick observes. "I can't believe you and Nate somehow managed to become besties while not even being in the same state."

Nate laughs at Nick's comment about Callie, causing the girl in question to scowl at him. "She's a funny one, isn't she?" He playfully nudges her and she rolls her eyes in amusement. "We've been gaming a lot together and started talking more through that."

Callie opens her mouth to say something, but Nate quickly cuts her off. "Nope, we're not getting into it again. I will admit that I lost and you won. Are you happy?"

Callie grins in satisfaction and nods sharply. "Thank you."

Callie and Nate fall into conversation with Nick, Chris, Madi, and Ariana, but I can't move. My feet are rooted to the ground, my heart stuck in my throat as I stare at Callie, who once again is laughing at something Nate said. The only time she laughed like that with me was when we were in Amalfi. That time with her was incredible, but I'm starting to think more and more that it will never be like that again.

Bryn nudges my arm and physically rotates my body to turn me away from our friends. "Hey, Dipper. How're you doing?"

I swallow harshly and run my hands over my face as I shake my head. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

Bryn smiles softly, her eyes warm with understanding. "There's nothing wrong with you, Matt. You're feeling a lot of emotions, and that's okay. I get it. But you're not exactly handling things very maturely, and that makes it harder on you."

"I lose my head when it comes to Callie," I murmur, dropping my hands to my pockets. "Do you think she's into Nate?"

Bryn laughs slightly and shakes her head. "I don't think you have to worry about that. But if you're serious about her, you need to get your shit together and do something about it. Because you will lose her if you don't fix things."

I glance over my shoulder to where Callie and Nate are still chatting animatedly, Callie looking happier than she has all week. "I can't lose something I never had. And if I ever had a chance, I think it's gone now."

"That's the thing you don't get, Matt." Bryn's quiet voice tugs my gaze back to her. Her brow is drawn together as she looks at me. "I think you've had a chance since the first time you met her. And you still have a chance now, but the longer it goes without you telling her how you feel, the worse your odds get."

Bryn's words take me a moment to process, but when I do, confusion washes through me. "But she's hated me ever since we met."

Bryn grins like she knows something I don't. "Good luck, Matty." She pats my shoulder before stepping around me to rejoin our friends, leaving me once again stuck with Callie on my mind.

I thought she's hated me since the moment we met. And although she often comes across as blunt and sometimes cold to strangers, she's never outright mean. She didn't treat Chris or Nick or anyone else I've seen her meet for the first time like she treated me. So what made me different?

My stomach feels like a rock as I draw in a shaky breath, my hands trembling as I link them together. In a rush, Callie's words wash over me. Sometimes I wonder if anyone knows who I really am. Everyone I love seems to leave me. I don't want to be hurt again. Nobody seems to like me when they figure out who I really am. My boyfriend cheated on me for a girl everyone considered to be an angel. I wished for clarity.

When we first met, I saw Callie. Not just as she presented herself, but really saw her. And she panicked and pushed me away. She's felt the same spark I have since the beginning, and it scared the shit out of her. She was scared to get too close out of fear that I would leave her just like everyone else.

And didn't I do just that? Say something shitty to her, and then let her leave? I didn't even try to chase after her or fix things later. And not only that, but I retreated to a girl that everyone considers to be a princess.

Fuck. I messed up big time.

And I don't know how I'm going to fix it.

cara's obsession ❀

my favourite hobby is getting out more chapters when i'm supposed to be doing school work 😋 and i'm so good at it too!

it was funny seeing you all be confused about who the reinforcements would be cause i thought it was so obvious lmaooo. nate was literally in the cast list guys 😭😭

anywho! i have something sappy to say so bear with me! a lot of you often say that i'm really nice and kind and whatever, and i just want you all to know that i am the way i am because of jesus christ!! he loves me so so much and he's called me to love everyone else the same way he does, and so i do. he changed my life, and he is seriously the best. if you don't know him, i hope one day you get to experience the great and unfailing love that he wants to share with you 🧡 cause he sacrificed his life for you! what greater love is there than that?! i'm praying for you all 🥰

question of the day! what was your favourite book as a kid? when i was around 8-10 years old, i really loved the willow falls series by wendy mass. i'm rereading them right now and they're still as good as i remember lolllll. i also really loved the penderwicks, canterwood crest, and camp club girls! if any of you know these books, we are best friends. no arguments.

i love you all SO MUCH (but jesus loves you more hehe). see you soon!!! 🧡🧡🧡

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