I'm an idiot.
I'm a fucking idiot.

That was the worst 'it's not you, it's me' break up excuse ever! To be fair, it wasn't an excuse, it really is me that's the problem. But still! I bet Bubba hates me now. He probably thinks I'm a selfish prick that just used him... even though we didn't do anything but make-out, take ugly pictures of each other, and share memes. Still! He hates me now, I know it. I don't blame him, I hate me too.

I wanted to talk to Simone more, but I know Bubba is in there and I don't want to interrupt his time with her. She's probably sick of my shit too anyway. After I told her about what Flame and that Cameron kid did during lunch, I informed her of my plan to break it off with Bubbs. She was neutral about my decision, but thought it was best if I was serious about wanting to get my shit figured out. If you love something, let it go, she said, If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be. Cheesy, but true, I guess.

My classroom was dim as I sat at my desk, staring out one of the open windows. It's still weird to say that. 'My classroom.' How weird. Here I am, a depressed single fuck that just got bullied by some younger idiots, sitting in a classroom that shouldn't be mine, working as an illegal teacher. Life's pretty good.

I rubbed my forehead absentmindedly. What the fuck was that even about? I thought Flame and I were cool. I fucking trusted him with that shit, and then he goes and makes me look like an crybaby idiot in front of the whole school! I know for a fact Cameron set him up to do that because he would never disrespect me unless he had a good enough reason to. Or unless he just had some pent up hatred towards me and decided to let it all out with the assistance of Cam. Either way, his words still resonated in my head... He sounded so serious and mean. What a dick.

Cam's a dick too. Thinking he can push me around all the time as if he can get away with it... Which he can. Dick. And asshole. Dickhole.

What time is it even? I feel like I've been sitting in here for ages. I pulled my phone out and checked the time. Two minutes until last period. My class. Which means I'll have to confront both of my new exes. I sighed aloud and leaned back in my chair, propping my feet up on my desk. I don't even have anything planned for class, what am I supposed to do? Then again, when do I plan anything? We can just watch movies again like we have been for the past two weeks. That always seems to work. It's not like Simone comes down here to check on us ever. Whatever, I don't care anymore.

Fuck this job, fuck this school, fuck everyone in it, fuck me, fuck everything! I wish I could just cease to exist. Just vanish from this world and enter the void where nothing exists and nothing matters. If only.

The bell rang. Anxiety fluttered through my stomach at the sudden realization that I'd have to face Bubba and Flame. I took a deep breath, trying to calm the butterflies.

I put my feet back on the floor and waited to hear Fionna's excited rambling down the hallway. It never came, though. It was totally silent until they walked through the door cautiously. I slouched in my chair as someone flipped on the lights. I flinched at the new brightness.

"Baby, are you okay?" I heard Cake say. I turned to face my class, relieved to see that there were only four people standing before me. No Bubba. No Flame. "We saw what happened at lunch."

I sighed and sat up normally. "I'm fine, don't worry about me, guys." I tried to smile but I'm sure it wasn't very convincing.

"I swear I'm gonna beat him to a pulp when I get home," Phoebe announced, talking about her older brother. "He's gonna pay for what he did to you, Marshall Lee." She pointed a chipped, orange fingernail for emphasis. Fionna chimed in.

"And I'll help! No one messes with our friend like that."

I smiled and held up my hands. "No no, I don't want you to hurt him. I'll handle all of this myself, alright? I'm like an adult or something so, I'll figure it out." Sure Flame is a dick but I didn't want to see him get hurt. Fionna and Phoebe together could probably take him down and do some serious damage. I didn't want that to happen.

"Still. We care about you and it wasn't right for that hot head to do that to you," Cake said sympathetically, walking closer to tousle my hair. One quick glance to my forehead and a look of pity made me remember the word written there. I quickly pushed her hand away and finger-combed my hair in front of my face. Since my hair was getting longer I'd been wearing it off my face more. My overgrown bangs made me look too emo and inhibited my sight so I styled them away, which wasn't a bad look. Bubba had said it made me look older, in a good way, and more professional, or something. That didn't matter now.

I turned away, suddenly ashamed. I didn't want to see their pitied looks, nor for them to see that stupid word I was now labeled. I never did like labels.

"I appreciate it, guys. But trust me and just stay out of it." They didn't say anything else about the subject. Mono patted my shoulder as he walked passed to sit down somewhere. Cake and Phoebe followed but Fionna stayed. She pulled over the piano bench and sat next to me. When she knew the others were preoccupied, she started talking.

"Hey, did something happen between you and Gumball?" She asked quietly. I quickly looked at her. I hadn't told anyone we broke up yet. I guess somehow Fionna knew. "He passed us in the hall before class started. He said he was going home early and seemed really upset."

"Had he been crying?" I asked, feeling guilty. Causing him pain was the last thing I wanted.

Fionna shrugged. "Probably. His eyes were all red and stuff. He spent all of last period in the principle's office. Do you know what happened?" I stared down at my desk, upset that I made the poor boy cry. I nodded.

"I broke up with him," I admitted in a broken whisper. No, this is not the time for crying, I told myself. Hold it together.

"You WHAT!?" She yelled, grabbing the others attention. I brushed them off and quickly calmed Fionna. "Why!?" She shouted in a whisper. I flipped my hair out of my face, it was annoying me too much.

"Look, I didn't want to do it, Fi, trust me. It's just better for the both of us right now."

"I don't understand... you guys were so happy together. How is this better?" She had a point, but we just broke up. I hadn't even begun thinking about how I'm supposed to figure myself out. This isn't going to be a quick and easy process.

"Alright, maybe not right now. But it'll be better in the long run." I sighed. I sure hope it'd be. "There's some things I need to refigure out about myself and our relationship is getting in the way of that."

Fionna made a face. "What kind of things?"

I thought about if I should tell her or not. Might as well, seeing as she's my only friend I can rant to now with Flame being gone and Bubba and I broken up. "I'm not sure if I really like men like I thought I did," I admitted. Fionna didn't add anything so I continued. "I know I like Bubba. But I'm not sure if that's just because we've been friends for a long time and he's gay himself and I just somehow became attracted to him? I don't know," I huffed and covered my face with my hands.

"Well I'm sure if you even had the thought of liking another guy, that makes you kinda gay. 'Cause if you weren't, then you wouldn't think that."

"I guess..." I looked down at my hands. What she said made sense, but then again it was just Bubba I thought of. I don't think I've ever really thought about another guy the way I thought about him. Sure I thought other guys were attractive and whatever but isn't that just admiring another human? I thought about Bubba intimately... even though I could never bring myself to actually get intimate with him.

"What does it matter anyway? If you know you like him what's the issue? I mean, I'm sure you guys got... you know, physical with each other, right? Doesn't that say something?" She asked. I shook my head. "Wait, really? I thought that after he complained that one time you guys would've at least done something by now..." she mumbled. Wait what?

"He complained to you about us?" Wow, I guess I really was holding him back if he felt the need to complain about me. I frowned. "I guess he won't have to worry about that anymore..." I said under my breath. He said very calmly and understandingly that he was okay with waiting. I guess I was wrong.

"Yeah, he did. Sorry, I thought you two talked about it and then took the next step. I didn't know, I just assumed." Fionna seemed kind of guilty now. As if she accidentally broke the news that my pet died and I wasn't supposed to know yet.

"Hm," I just grunted. That kind of made me upset. I knew I was holding him back. I bet he was getting sick of me and was just waiting to break it off himself so that he could be with someone who would love him the way he really wanted. Those were probably fake tears he was crying, just pretending to be upset even though I bet he was rejoiced to finally be away from me... No. Stop thinking like that!

I let out a shaky huff and push the heels of my palms into my eyes to keep them from watering. Fionna noticed this. "Hey, whoa! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm sure he was just frustrated that one time. Don't let it get to you. You know he cares about you and respects your decision to stay abstinent or whatever."

"That the whole problem, Fi! I don't want to be!" I exclaimed. "I want to go further with him! But every time we get close I pussy out and feel like a loser. That's why I'm questioning myself again. I don't think I can bring myself to... do that with another guy. I wasn't as prepared for this as I thought I was. This whole, you know, gay thing." I waved my hand. Fionna hummed in thought.

"Well. I'm not sure what to tell you." She lifted her legs up so she was sitting cross-legged. "Maybe it's not even the fact that it's with another guy that's preventing you from doing it," she said, picking at her fingers. I knitted my eyebrows, interested in what she was getting at. "Maybe since you've been so hurt in the past, your subconscious is telling you to back away before it gets to serious, so you won't get hurt again. And that's why you can't do it with Gummy." She looked at me finally.

I stared at her freckled face. "That... makes sense." Having sex in a relationship definitely seals the deal, especially if you wait long enough to where it holds meaning. I trusted Bubba not to hurt me, but I guess I was still scared of the possibility that it could happen. If I really committed to our relationship and then ended up broken hearted, it would only hurt that much more.

"So maybe you should try experimenting with other guys," she shrugged. "See if you actually are comfortable with another dude and not have to worry about the emotional attachment." That's not a bad idea, actually. The idea of sleeping around with other men didn't set so well with me, but I could give it a try.

"Thanks, Fi. I'll try to give it a go once I feel better." She gave a fist bump and smiled. "Now help me create some lesson plans. I keep forgetting I actually have a job that requires teaching." I shot her a wink and she grinned.

I drove home that day in a somewhat better mood. Talking with Fionna definitely helped somewhat. I thought about what she said about experimenting with other men and it made me cringe a little. I wanted to try it to see if I actually liked it, but deep down I was scared. What if I really did enjoyed it? I remembered what Flame wrote on my face and I frowned. I suddenly wasn't in a good mood anymore.

I plopped down on the couch once I got home, instantly loosening my tie. I heard the jingling of Schwabble's collar as she ran downstairs to greet me. She jumped on my lap, purring and rubbing on me happily. I smiled. "At least you like me." I scratched behind her ears. As I was petting Schwabbs I let my mind wander. Surprisingly, I haven't given much detailed thought to Bubba since I ended it with him after lunch. I was trying to avoid thinking about him for as long as I could, but now that I was in the safety of my own home I let myself.

I wonder how he's thinking right now. And if he's mad at me for doing what I did. I wouldn't be surprised, I'd be mad too. It hurt to think about the possibility that he was; I didn't want him to hate me. If I found out he truly hated me I don't know what I'd do. I just hoped he understood and could forgive me, even if I don't end up being with him again. I really hoped we'd be able to reconnect and continued what we started... but another part of me hoped we wouldn't. And that we shouldn't.

That way my life would go back to normal. I wouldn't have to deal with stupid kids pushing me around. Nor my self-hatred digging in the back of my mind for being something I didn't want to be. I don't want to be gay. I don't want to like men. I don't want to be something that was wrong...

It was as if a light bulb lit up.
If I didn't want to like men, I just wouldn't.

Problem solved. I'll go back to dating girls and my normal life before I got caught up in Bubba's world. I smiled. I would be free of this cursed word stained on my face. Life would be right again. I'd be normal.

The only logical explanation for wanting to be in a relationship with Bubba was the fact that he'd been there for me in my times of need. I just somehow became attracted to him since he was my closest friend. Yeah, that's it! It was nothing but a mistaken attraction. Nothing to fret over. Doesn't make me gay for thinking I like my best friend. Not one bit. Just a hormonal, desperate accident.

Schwabble was laying on my stomach now, her claws scratching into my chest slightly. I smiled at her, back in that good mood. I remembered that plan I had a while ago to go meet up with Ashley again and I didn't feel so apprehensive about it anymore. If anything I was excited to do it. Maybe she's changed. I could get my old life back. I hopped off the couch and lifted my white cat into the air, twirling her around.

"We're gonna be A-OK, Schwabbs!" I grinned. She clawed at my arms, scared of being so high up. "Ow, ow! Okay, okay!" I dropped her and she landed on her feet, scampering away somewhere. I shrugged and skipped upstairs to change into more comfortable clothes, a smile still on my face. Once changed into a simple t-shirt and basketball shorts, I stopped in front of my full-length mirror. My smile instantly dropped. This was the first time I'd seen my face since lunch.

Smack dab in the middle of my forehead we're three faded, smeared letters. Fag. What everyone knows me as now. I stepped closer to the mirror, moving stray locks out of the way to see it better. Tracing the letters with a finger, I frowned, feeling my eyes sting. Was this who I was now? Some... freak who let other people step all over him? I used to be the guy who did this sort of thing to people. Now look at me...

I didn't even realize I was crying until I heard a strange noise come from my throat. I covered my mouth and sunk to the ground, disgusted by the sight of myself. No! I am not that word! I'm not gay! I refuse to be that. My sobs intensified as I curled up on the carpet. I didn't want to look at myself, especially with that word tattooed on my skin. It burned and itched so I rubbed and scratched at my forehead until my skin was raw.

"Get off! Get off! Get off!" I screamed, my voice sounding foreign from my sobbing. My sobs became borderline screams of terror as I continued to scratch deliberately at my face. I wanted it off. I wanted it off! I didn't know what I was yelling at this point. I stopped scratching when it actually became too painful and instead held onto my forehead with a single hand, wrapping the other around my stomach and rolled over. My sobs quieted down and soon became just sniffles until the memories of what occurred at lunch resurfaced and they came back.

Flame and Cameron's voices surrounded me, calling me that word and other names. Fag. Loser. Freak. And so on. There were a few occasions where Cameron had come up to me in the hall pre-lunch-incident and said stuff like that. And I'm sure he talked about me behind my back too. I tried to block out the voices but they just kept getting louder and louder. "Stop!" I yelled repeatedly. "Shut up! Shut up!" Eventually the voices listened, quieting down enough so that I could tune them out. My bawling settled to sniffles again.

Glob, times like this really make me wish I had Bubba here to just hold me... UGH. No, damnit! I'm not gay! I don't need him anymore! Tears flowed more rapidly for too many reasons. The breakup. The burning hatred I had for myself for dating another man. The fact that I ruined it with him. The fact that I was with him at all. Two types of regret and I didn't know which one to focus on. I don't know what to do about myself.

I laid there on the floor for who knows how long wallowing in my self-pity. Eventually I was able to bring myself to stand and walked to the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face. It relieved the burning sensation on my forehead momentarily and I looked up to see myself. The skin above my eyebrows was red and raw and the word was still there, of course. I sighed, wiping the tears and cold water away. Glob, what have I become.

My stomach grumbled. I covered it with my hand and glanced down. Guess I should probably eat something. I made my way downstairs and stood in the kitchen, glancing around at the walls and cupboards. I looked in the fridge for a solid three minutes before closing it again, not finding anything good. "Fuck it," I said and went back up stairs, crawling into bed. It wasn't even four o'clock yet but I couldn't have of cared less. Schwabble crept into my room, jumping up on my bed and curling up right by my face. She purred and rubbed her face on my cheek. I sighed and grabbed my phone. Might as well get this over with while I'm still in the mood to do it.

I opened up the messenger app and made a new message. Bubba made me delete her number and block her on all social media accounts after we broke up, but I typed in her number with ease, not even having to think about it. I stared at the three letter word... hey. Was I going to regret this? Was I making a big mistake? Probably. I took a deep breath and sent it, my stomach bubbling with anxiety.

Glob, what am I doing?

                              >>>>><<<<<

When Marshall is a Mess™
What's gonna happen with Ashley y'all 👀 and what's Bubba gonna do while they're broken up?

It's summer wtf where has the time gone? Hope you guys are doing well! I appreciate every one of you and I can't thank you enough for all the love you guys give this story!

Thanks so much for everything guys, see you in the next chapter 😉