So, you know that job interview at Michaels I was talking about? Well, I actually got the job! Of course I was super excited when I found out, and I told all my friends and family and, well, I wanted to tell He Who Must Not Be Named too. 

I DMd him the day after I got the news, telling him I got the job and how excited I was, and asking him for advice.  I wasn't expecting an answer at all, or at least not one so soon, but the next day I saw I had one new message and lo and behold it was from him.  He gave me some really good advice, which I will share with you now;

"1. People will suck and be rude, you'll always win by being kinder than them even when they really don't deserve it, the ruder they are, the nicer you should be and that will really piss them off (which is kinda fun)...and keep in mind, that rude people are rude because they are a mess, not because of anything you are or did (1a., adults are disappointing).

2. Sometimes the best way to adult is to pretend you are a confident but peripheral character in a movie or book and perform that way (don't imagine you're the main character, that's a whole different classification of problematic), but not characters from like some historical period piece or sci fi thing, an "adult contemporary melodramatic comedy" is the best genre to go for with that approach.

3. No one, I repeat NO ONE, has it all figured out, no matter what it might look like.... see #1... they might be simply playing the role of a peripheral character who does have adulting all figured out..."

I really appreciated the amount of thought he put into his reply.  I responded to him and thanked him for his advice and told him to say hi to my classmates, who were still in school for a week after the other Seniors and I got out. 

I pretty much thought that was going to be the end of us messaging for a while, since I felt that it was really only appropriate to message him when I had a good reason, like something big had happened in my life.  But, remember in the last chapter I told you I might have an excuse to go visit the school and talk to Mrs. Wonklonk and He Who Must Not Be Named?  I was right about that. 

On Thursday, I picked up my friend who's a grade below me, so she was still in school.  I went inside and met up with her and we both chatted with Mrs. Wonklonk for a long while, but when we both got to the end of the hallway, He Who Must Not Be Named's door was closed.  I had missed him. 

I was sadder about it than I'd like to admit.  It's just I had gotten my hopes up about it and I don't do well with dissapointment. I mean, that was it.   That was really the last chance I'd have to see him ever, or at least, for a long while. 

I ended up going against my better judgement and that night I DMd him and apologized for missing him, saying I was planning on visiting him but I had gotten held up by Mrs. Wonklonk.  He, again to my surprise, messaged me back the next morning saying that Mrs. Wonklonk was probably starved of conversation because her 3d and 4th period were all Seniors which meant she had no one in those classes all week.  I replied saying "aw, I get that.  I've been lonely too since I've been home.  Do you think she'd appreciate an email from me?" 

I felt that was probably a stupid attempt to keep the conversation going on my part, but he humored me and told me "teachers always appreciate former student emails."

Now, here's where I made my first little oopsy of probably many more to come because, well, as you can see from this book, I'm pretty good at making oopsies when it comes to him.    In his last reply, he ended it with a ":)" face, which is an emoji he uses pretty commonly.  But he had also used it in the last message too, and for some reason I decided that meant that he wanted me leave him alone because boy do I have serious issues with taking things too personally.  Especially when it comes to him. 

So, if I felt like that, couldn't I have just stopped messaging him for a while?  Yeah, I could've and I should've, but instead, MY DUMBASS DECIDED TO TWEET ABOUT IT.  Sure, maybe he never likes or comments on my tweets, but he still sees them!  He follows me!!!

I tweeted this gem on Sunday morning.

Although he had never liked, retweeted, or commented on anything I tweeted, because this tweet was so obviously about him he commented this on it later that same day.

My heart dropped when I read the reply.  He had misread the tone of my Tweet, as often happens over the internet, and thought I was making fun of him, when really I was making fun of myself.    I replied with the same lightheartedness, saying "let me teach you the ways of emoji, young padawan."  But I was afraid I might have actually hurt his feelings, so I messaged him.

He responded, which made me feel a bit better.

His reply to my last message was "no feelings hurt, that only happens on Facebook.  Stay away from Facebook, it is a cesspool." I agreed and said I definitely won't go on there, and that was the last DM I sent him (this morning) before I tweeted that I was taking a break from Twitter for at least a month.

I decided I was going to take a break from Twitter yesterday, after I talked to my dad about the incident I just described to you.  He assured me that He Who Must Not Be Named was just being lighthearted and probably wasn't actually hurt at all, which is what He Who Must Not Be Named said himself, and it just made me step back a bit and realise that I really just needed to give myself a break from talking to him.  I need to give myself time to process everything.  To step back a bit and just possibly get a little bit of peace from all these negative thoughts I have related to him.  I've graduated and I no longer have to be in the same building as him so here's my chance to once again try and work through this and move past these stupid feelings.

Yeah, it feels totally hopeless.  I've been working through this for 3 years and even when I thought I was getting better, I fully relapsed on my crush on him, so is it really gonna get that much better in a month? In 2 months?

Maybe not much better, but at least a little bit.  I have to try.  For me, so that I can have that happy, comfortable friendship with him I want so dearly.  For him, because he seems to like me and wants to stay in contact, and I want to humor that wish of his.  I just need to be in the right space to do so.  One where I'm not freaking out about 2 smiley faces in a row and sending out a weird cry-for-help tweet.

I really hope that taking this break helps at least a little bit.  If not, maybe I'll need more time. 

Hopefully I don't end up feeling like I need to cut off the relationship altogether, though....