To update you on what I talked about last chapter, I did end up coming out to Mrs. Wonklonk and it made me feel a bit better. Mrs. Wonklonk is actually such a blessing. Anyways, that's not really what I came here to talk about.

It is currently Wednesday evening. I only have 2 more days of High School and then it's over. I'm graduating. This Saturday. I HAVE 2 MORE DAYS OF SCHOOL AND THEN I GRADUATE!!! AAAAA!!!

This week and last week I've just been feeling a whole range of emotions, all tumbling and swirling inside of me like a raging river and the dam holding it all back is slowly cracking. I felt sick on tuesday and I came so close to crying.  Today I actually cried.  Full out, scream-crying, bawling like a baby.  Every slight inconvenience feels like my world is crumbling. It's hard to describe how it feels. I can't even I identify most of the emotions I'm feeling. All I know it's it just all so much. 

People at school make me feel better, though. My friends. Mrs. Wonklonk. The ladies at the front desk.

I'm also making myself feel better just soaking up my last days at school and spending as much time around the people I'm going to miss as possible. Even He Who Must Not Be Named. No, I did not go to him and seek out his company. I've expressed how bad of an idea that was in prior chapters. But, in an unexpected turn of events, he's chatted to me a couple of times (when I'm with my best friend though.) He's actually chosen to approach us and start up interactions. Like last Thursday.  Me and my best friend had to stay after school to work on our Current World Issues final project, and we needed to ask Mrs. Wonklonk a question but another student was talking to her so we waited outside the classroom. While we were waiting for them to finish we were kind of just screwing around and radiating chaos (as usual), and He Who Must Not Be Named approached us and asked us what we were doing, to which I of course replied "I have no idea." He chatted with us for a short while and we joked and laughed. 

We also chatted a bit on Friday when I waved at him from inside the space in between the two sets of doors to the school as he walked by and instead of just waving back, he actually came through the entrance to chat with me and my best friend.  It made me feel so warm and fuzzy, and it was just a huge reassurance.  He clearly doesn't hate me if he's actually seeking out my company at times-

Our most recent interaction was on Tuesday when my best friend needed to ask him something so I came with, and he walked with us down the hallway on the way back and made casual conversation.  He told us that sometimes graduates will invite him to their wedding, which just goes to show how loveable he is, and he made a joke about how bad he is at getting gifts. 

Actually, I just remembered, earlier on Tuesday they were showing the music videos during lunch for our school's Masked Singer parody.  Me, He Who Must Not Be Named, and a couple other students and teachers participated and I have to tell you, He Who Must Not Be Named's voice made me melt.  I hate country music, but God I could hear him sing that country song all day.  I complimented him on it when I saw him in the hall and he said I did amazing too, which totally made me blush and I had to hold back from squealing like a schoolgirl.  Any compliment from him means the world to me.

As I'm remembering these instances, I can't help but tear up a little.  I'm going to miss those times with him so much.  I'm going to miss Mrs.  Wonklonk so much too, and the ladies at the front desk, and seeing my friends everyday.  I'm going to miss high school so much.  My wonderful amazing high school. 

One of my teachers, we'll call him Mr. Koff (I'm so bad at fake names excuse me), gave me and all the other seniors his email to keep in touch, and I'll ask Mrs. Wonklonk if we can keep in touch as well of course.  But He Who Must Not Be Named is off limits.  It's over and I can't talk to him or see him again (unless I visit the school in person to see other teachers.)  No emails updating him on my life or how things are going.  Maybe emails asking academic questions but I should really refrain.  He doesn't want to know.  He doesn't want me to continue contacting him.  This is what I have to do to respect boundaries.  To not overstep or make him uncomfortable again. 

Why is that so hard for me to accept? I don't want to let go.  I just don't.  I like him so much.  I don't love him, because like I said I can't because I don't know him well enough, but wow do I feel close.  I feel so stupid because I feel like it shouldn't be as hard as it is but it is. 

I have to say goodbye though, no matter what, and I sure hope I'm able to find a way to say goodbye in a way that's best for the both of us, not just a way I feel is best for me.

Well, thanks for listening, if you're reading this of course (and you're not me haha.)  I'll probably update again soon.  Wish me luck until then!