Well, I did the interview, meaning the Senior Project I've spent the entire school year on is now finally finally done.

The interview went fine. I mean, I'm not going to say it was really good, because it wasn't, but it also wasn't terrible, so that's good. He Who Must Not Be Named allowed my friend to sit with me during the interview, which was really comforting because I was feeling kind of nauseous at the thought of being in there with him alone. Nothing good has ever come of that.

One thing I noted was that he sat a ways away from me, more than was, well, necessary with social distancing. I worried over that for a while when I came home, taking it personally as I usually do and wondering what it was that I did that made him feel the need to keep such distance from me.

More than anything, though, where I thought I'd feel relief, I'm overcome with this strange feeling of emptiness. The more obvious reason for this is that I'm done with the Senior Project and I'm going to graduate in 22 days, which yes, it's a relief to be done with most of my schooling, which is mainly why people end up being jealous of us Seniors. But, I don't think you understand. I am about to be an adult. Sure, there's some freedom in that, but there's also crushing responsibility! Graduation says: "you are going to make a life for yourself now, on your own. Your time starts now." I am scared shitless by this thought. I just feel so not ready! I feel like a baby bird that's about to be pushed out of the nest but instead of spreading my wings out to fly I'm just going to fall straight to the ground with a sickening crunch.

So yes, there's that reason for the emptiness. But then of course, there's also the fact that my days with He Who Must Not Be Named are coming to an end. I mean, yes I don't actually have a class with him right now, but I'm still in the same building with him. I still see him in the halls. I watch him pass by the door when I'm in Spanish since his class is right next door, and sometimes he'll come in our classroom to help with something (usually tech issues.) When I'm on the other side of the building, sometimes
I'll hear his voice despite him being far away.

When I graduate, he will no longer be apart of my life in any way. Not even a distant voice. My time with him is already pretty much over. I don't have to interact with him anymore, since I've finished the Senior Project. Of course I could visit him after the last class of the day, but really I knew that when I walked out of his classroom after the interview that was the last time I'd ever be welcome there. Graduates of my school sometimes come back to visit to say hi to teachers and talk about how things are going, and of course I'll be doing so myself to see the ladies at the front desk and Mrs. Wonklonk, but He Who Must Not Be Named will not want to see me again.

This shouldn't be as, well, depressing as it is for me. I mean, sure, it's totally normal to be sad about leaving teachers who have watched you grow up and who you've formed such a strong bond with, but I just feel like my heart is tethered to him somehow and I'm having to sever that thread in a way that's unbearably painful. Putting my feelings into words like that just makes me sadder though, because it's just so pitifully one-sided. He is an ever present, integral part of my inner world yet I am a speck of dust in his large and complicated universe which I know next to nothing about.

I can't say I love him. I don't know him. All I know is the him that he brings to school everyday, the teacher, but I don't know who he is in his personal life. Who he is with his friends. Who he is at home with his wife and his kids.

But I've become incredibly attached to him, like a barnacle that clings on despite wave after wave of reality washing over me. Or, from his perspective, more like a festering fungus which no matter what he does he just can't seem to get rid of. The only cure is that God sent diploma that is going to release me from his life forever.

I don't want to leave, though. I want to bask in this dream for much longer. Following him around like a lost puppy, watching and listening to him from a far as he lives his life and wishing I was a part of it but knowing I can't be. Soon I'll only have his memory. Then at some point, either sooner or later, I will forget him. Which is good. How it should be. But I'm scared. I've lived for three years like this and it's gotten comfortable. For some reason I want to keep longing. Keep dreaming. Keep worrying.

Not only do I have to leave, but I have to leave without saying goodbye. No hugs certainly, but no words either. Not even any last minute emails saying things I shouldn't say. No, definitely not. By God, me, if you're reading this after graduation and thinking about it, don't you dare f**king do it.

When I walked out if his classroom after the interview, when he said "have a good day" and left before I returned the sentiment, that was goodbye. It meant "have a good life" because he will no longer be in it to see what comes of it.

Why is it so hard to let go? How do I even end this chapter with all the feelings I have churning inside me that I don't even really know how to express? No thoughts left to comfort me. Only that I won't be able to cause him trouble anymore. No goodbyes of any kind, no words traded letting him know what's been going on in my head this whole time because of course, that would be selfish, yet it would at least be some sort of closure. One last sorry from me and one last assurance from him.

Well, I'm going to at least try to end this entry on a sort of positive note, anything to keep those unbidden tears that keep trying to fight their way from my eyes. I've got 15 school days left to be in the same building with him. To look at him longingly and to daydream about him. To talk about him with my friends and laugh because I still have time to pretend it's not over.

I know it's a terrible coping mechanism, but you know what, pretending is the coping mechanism I've used for years so why stop now? Plus, it's the only thing keeping the crushing emptiness at bay.

I'm probably not going to update this book for a bit. Hopefully I won't have enough to say to update until graduation.

See you in 22 (or less) days! :)