TW: More language in this chapter than is usually present and mention of self harm. / Will be put around the section in question.

Well, I said I probably wasn't going to update until graduation, but here I am again-

Everytime I think about what happened with He Who Must Not Be Named, it just baffles me that I was so caught up in my own feelings that I wasn't thinking about his. My goal was to get a reaction out of him. To make him angry because for some reason I thought that would scare the feelings out of me, but I never made him angry. Instead I just made him confused and uncomfortable. He had to ask Mrs. Ross for help because he didn't know what to do.

Everything about his body language on that last day I asked him for a hug was screaming discomfort. He stayed hunched over his desk and only gave me a side glance, the most suspicious look I've ever seen anyone give me. Why why why oh God why in the name of all that is holy would I do that?

And the first time, oh the first time. The first time that I asked him for a hug and he gave it to me I was taking advantage of his kindness. He thought I was hurting and I knew he'd think that. He thought I was having a hard time and just needed the support, but no, instead I put him under false pretenses so that he'd satiate my sick desire to be touched by him.

"I just wanted a hug" is what I said in an earlier chapter, as if it was some innocent little trivial request. I was upset because of the assumptions that came with an adult male having any kind of physical contact with a female who is a minor, meanwhile my intent clearly aligned with those assumptions, and I don't know what I was thinking at the time but I was ignoring the fact that intent matters. (Just a side note, I do still think those assumptions are kind of stupid because the same kind of implications could come with an adult male and a male minor, and an adult female with a female minor, but society holds different standards for different situations and ignores the fact that gay pedophiles are a thing and not every man is a r*pist. Ok done with this rant back to my other rant.)

I was trying to manipulate He Who Must Not Be Named into giving me what I wanted, and in some cases, it worked. (Although mostly it didn't because he's smarter than that.) But still, the fact that I even tried is a huge issue. It absolutely disgusts me, and it disgusts me even more that I've done this shit before in a slightly similar situation. I was infatuated with a guy who was 26 to my 14, possibly even 13 actually, that I met on the internet and of course he did not return my feelings. But yet I guilted him and manipulated him. I acted like he needed to say sorry for not being a pedophile, and even if I was of age or he was closer to mine, it's not his fault if he doesn't have feelings for me! /I am not making this shit up, I fucking cut myself and then acted like it was his fault./

Where does this toxicity even come from?! Why can I not handle my feelings being unrequited? I act like a little baby and throw a fit if I like someone and they don't like me back.

Ironically enough, I wrote about the instance with the 26 year old in one of He Who Must Not Be Named's classes when we were given an assignment to write about a time we learned a lesson. Well, it seems I need to go back and redo that assignment, because I apparently I didn't fucking learn my lesson!

Why does this happen? Why do I do this? Does it have something to do with how I was raised? Was I given too much affection? Too much praise? Am I so spoiled now that I can't handle not being loved by everyone I'm attached to?

Better yet, how do I stop this from happening again? How do I recognize what I'm doing when I'm doing it and stop myself, because recognizing it after the fact is good but it isn't enough?

Besides the obvious issue that I'm hurting people, this tendency I have is stopping me from living my life. I spent freshman year dealing with the internet 26 year old situation and its consequences and I've spent the rest of my years of high school dealing with the situation with my teacher and its consequences. I cannot tell you how jealous I am when someone talks to me about this cute boy at work and how they keep embarrassing themselves in front of him because they're such a klutz, because that's how I want my life to be. Instead I spend my time pining for men who're way older and deal with the kind of shit I talk about in this book.

I just want to be normal, or at least the kind of normal I see in high schoolers who jump from partner to partner and are always talking about some relationship drama or some new romantic prospect. Not being constantly attracted to people who are in no position to return my feelings.

I want to break this loop of toxicity. I want to learn how to deal with unrequited feelings in a healthy and mature way. But as it goes with many things in my life, I don't know how to. I know this is the type of thing people get therapy for but I can't afford to right now. I mean, I'm not super financially unstable. I've got a roof over my head and food to eat, and we've got steady income to rely on. I am lucky. But college in this country is expensive and I just got accepted to one for the fall of 2022, so if I actually want to go to that college (which I very much do), I can't spend the kind of money therapy costs right now.

Usually I talk to Mrs. Wonklonk or, on occasion, He Who Must Not Be Named about these things but I think this is a bit too complicated of an issue to talk about with them. I can say I'm definitely not talking about it with He Who Must Not Be Named. I've had my final interaction with him since I finished the Senior Project and I don't think I'm welcome in his classroom anymore. I haven't asked him for help with anything since junior year and I think it's best I continue not to.

There is one other option though, and that is I could finally have a visit with the school therapist. I'm just worried he'll ask for examples, because I think I'm comfortable with talking about the 26 year old incident, but I don't want to involve another person in the He Who Must Not Be Named incident... I guess I could just refer to him as "a teacher."

Maybe that's what I should do. I know I need help, and I want help, and that's the best thing I can think of to get that help. Maybe.....maybe I'll talk about it with Mrs. Wonklonk first though... Then we can bring the therapist in on the loop from there.

Well, I'll update you on what I end up doing. Talk to y'all in a bit (hopefully, if I actually do something lol.)