So, I have been sick for the past 3 going on 4 weeks, I'm on so many meds, I have bronchitis and a sinus infection, I'm coughing up crap left and right, and I'm not really sure whether I'm getting better or not.

But, that didn't get in the way of lil ol me gettin all dressed up and going to prom, and killing it on the dance floor with my friends!  (And stopping occasionally to cough up stuff in a napkin and constantly reassuring my friends that I was not senile, I was just on a lotta meds.)

I wasn't expecting him to be there.

He seemed to jokingly disapprove of prom when someone mentioned it, and they don't expect all the teachers to be there.

But, I arrived at our table, looked over to the corner of the tent where the teachers were hanging, and there he was.  In a blue dress shirt and slacks.

I couldn't stop looking at him all night.  I tried so hard not to.  I was there to have fun with my friends, and that's exactly what I was doing!  But i just kept glancing over there.

I atleast just tried not to think about him.  Tried not to admit to myself that seeing him in a dress shirt and slacks was killing me.  He was just some unimportant guy that I wasn't going to waste my time bothering, and he would do the same.

He ran away the first time I came over there to chat with my therapist.  But the second time I came over there, following my two friends who were finding a place to destroy my friend's AP testing ticket, he stayed put. 

I was sooooo uncomfortable.  He was there alone, standing in the corner.  The other teachers had left him.  I saw him like that a few times that night.  I kinda felt bad for him, he didn't seem like he wanted to be there.

He struck up a conversation with my two friends.  I looked at his feet, my feet, my friends, the dirt, the ground, anywhere but him.  Finally I had a coughing fit that gave me an excuse to leave.  But then it was over and I had to come back again, thank god my friends started heading back to the table again.

But, even with the uncomfortableness I managed to have a good time.  Maybe I even amused him with how ridiculous I looked that night, being all drugged out.  I certainly amused everyone else!

I had went in a bit of a spiral after I got home, running through all the things I did wrong with this situation, conjuring up situations where he puts me down and tells me off, feeling horrible for what I did.

I just-

I really.

Really.

Hate myself for this.

And i really wish I could confirm that I know what I did wrong and I am rightfully suffering for it

I really wish I could go back in time and not be stupid about it

Why can't I be a timelord?!