Which means..

I'm over him.

Right?

nAH.

I've just been trying to suppress all my feelings.

Me and him both go around ignoring eachother's existence in our tiny school that is literally just a hallway.

It's so strange for me, because I've just buried my feelings so deep down, but sometimes they'll bubble back up again.

It feels like I'm trying to hold down a tangled black mass and if I let my guard down just slightly it will consume me.

Sometimes I'll think of him, and I'll mentally beat myself up.

Or I'll look at him going about his business and my eyes will glaze over and I'll look like I'm staring through him.

Or I'll incidentally bump into him in the hallway and feelings will start to bubble up and I get this horrible feeling, that I can best describe as the feeling of my stomach being pitted like an avacado.

I'm just, In a sort of fog that i want so desperately to get out of, but, I'm totally lost.

And I just want things to go back to normal again.

I miss just having normal interactions with him, and being cheered up by his presence when I'm having a bad day.

I miss just being able to enjoy his company without there being butterflies in my stomach.

I've lost sight of an out, and I feel hopeless, and like my presence is burdening him.

It must be a pain in the ass to have to avoid me.

I must be a pain in the ass to him.

I just want to apologize to him.

For everything.

Because I just feel so disgusting and I've just lost all his respect.

And to think, he wrote in my yearbook that I was one of the students who "brightened his day"
HA!

Now I just ruin it