I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!!! AAAAAA!!

The ceremony happened on Saturday and it went mostly pretty well.  I only messed up once when I couldn't figure out where the place you take pictures was and walked in a circle on stage until He Who Must Not Be Named pointed to the big x on the ground I was apparently blind too.  To be fair though, they made me walk first, which they should've known was a foolish mistake. 

I sang We Are The Champions at the ceremony and I feel like I was off key since I had earbuds in my ear and couldn't tell, but the audience seemed to like it.  They clapped halfway through the song. 😂 

It was definitely a jovial affair, and even though I was terribly nervous I had my friends and teachers by my side.  We all took pictures before the ceremony, and made a tunnel for the teachers to walk through on their way to their seats before we walked to ours.  Because it was my quirky  school, we walked to Renegades of Funk instead of the classic song and the national anthem was played on an electric guitar.

After everyone got their frames we all went behind the stadium to get our diplomas and Senior Mail, and visit with friends and teachers.  I said goodbye to Mrs. Wonklonk and gave her a big bear hug, feeling sad but knowing I could stay in contact with her because she gave me her email when she signed my yearbook on Friday.  I also said hello to my old history and music teacher, who I was very happy to see, and he seemed to be enjoying his retirement.  My health and P.E. teacher came to take a picture with me too, which should've reminded me to go grab my phone to take selfies with friends and teachers but ALAS I only remembered when we were leaving the ceremony.  Of course, last but not least, I said goodbye to He Who Must Not Be Named. 

I was honestly kind of dreading that moment, not only because I just didn't want it to be goodbye, but also because I made a bold move Friday night and followed him on Twitter.

Me, the friend who was with me, and him chatted briefly and I joked about how I had gotten hit on the head with someone's cap when we tossed ours, and we all laughed when someone passed by and accidentally knocked him in the face with a bunch of balloons. 

I kind of stopped paying attention to what he and my friend were saying when I noticed he was slowly starting to back away to move on and go talk to other people because I was panicking over the fact that he was also walking out of my life after being in it for so long and I really, really, really did not want him to leave.  I, the balls of me, lifted up one arm (a gesture for a side hug since I just didn't feel I could ask for a regular hug again), and asked him for a hug.  He said "of course! Of course" in that happy and genuine tone of his that kills me every time because he's so oblivious to my hidden feelings, before stepping closer and pulling me in.  It was nice.  It wasn't, as I put it last time, a gateway drug to craving physical affection from him this time because I knew the ultimate meaning behind the hug was goodbye.  It was over much too quickly, of course, but I think I improved at showing restraint by just giving him a small side hug (not that I'm telling you to like, pat me on the back or anything.) Before he stepped away, he cheerfully mentioned that he noticed I had followed him on Twitter, and when I got home from all the day's festivities, I saw that he had followed me back. 

Before you say anything, I know I'm making it harder for myself.  Even if the effort to stay in contact was mutual, I'm continuing to entertain my fantasies by doing this.  By refusing to let go.  I still have feelings for him.  I should've let myself get over those before ever deciding to stay in contact in any way with him.  I should've given myself time to process and either forget, or move beyond and be able to just be friends with him without having this writhing mass of unrequited feelings beneath the surface. 

I'm ashamed of the expectations I still have.  I check Twitter obsessively.  I daydream of him messaging me or talking to me or even worse, randomly telling me that all this time he's had feelings for me he's just been waiting to act on them.  Logically, I know it's ridiculous and is very obviously light years out of the realm of possibility.  But that hope.  That stupid, blind hope is still there.  I feel it just beneath the surface when I check Twitter and look for notifications with his name in front (other than followed you) or even more stupidly a possible message from him. 

It's too late to go back now, clearly.  He knows I'm following him and he very recently followed me back.  He'd notice if he checked my page and saw we were no longer mutuals, and of course he'd wonder why. 

So now I'm just stuck desperately trying to shove my expectations and feelings deep down inside me and epicly failing because God, I'm still waiting for him to message me about that one concerning tweet I posted yesterday or respond to my email assuring him no longer need help with a tech problem I was asking him about on Friday or even just like one of my tweets. 

I'm so mad at myself because why can't I just enjoy this sort of friendship with him without wanting more? He's so amazing and I should be thankful he even wants anything to do with me at all, and for the sweet things he said when he signed my yearbook and in the letter he sent in my Senior Mail (which btw totally made me tear up.)

Another problem with this, things are even more gray than they were before.  I was having trouble figuring out boundaries while I was his student? Now I've just been thrown into an ocean of uncertainty.  It's a little bit easier to know what's ok and what's not ok when he's in a position of authority over me, but now that he's no longer my mentor, well, what even is our relationship? 

There's been a mutual agreement that we like eachother enough to want to stay in some sort of contact, but does that constitute as an acquaintanceship, or as a friendship? I feel like after knowing him for 4 years, calling him an acquaintance doesn't feel quite right.  But calling him a friend might be pushing it.  And what does an acquaintanceship/friendship/whatever-it-is with a former student even mean for him? Does he have different boundaries for a relationship with someone who is legally an adult but technically still a teen than he does with actual adult friends? I'm assuming he does, but heck, I don't know.  How the hell do I even figure out these boundaries? Am I allowed to ask more directly now that he is no longer my teacher? Is he going to be more direct with me now that I am no longer his student? I'm guessing no, because I think letting the other person flail around in the dark trying to read him is more just who he is as a person than how he is in a professional context.

I wish the answer would be yes, though, because there are so many things I just don't know.  How often can I message him? Can I DM him or must it be an email? Can I mention him in tweets? Can I reply to his tweets? And even dumber questions, like it was 11/10 stupid to invite him to do things with me and friends while I was his student, but has the level of stupidity of that idea gone down?  Like, am I allowed to message him when I'm like 20 and say "hey, let's meet for coffee!" Because you can do that with a friend of course, but are we even friends, or are we friends with different boundaries than regular friendships!?? As you can clearly see, I'm really hecking lost, and now I've got this whole new situation with him to navigate and many new potential opportunities for me to screw everything up again. 

God, and I'm already wanting to go visit him.  I might need to go back into the school on Tuesday but it's really something I could call for, I just wanna see Mrs. Wonklonk and take a selfie with her, and of course I wanna take a selfie with him.  I'm so hopeless. 

Well, I guess I've started a whole new chapter of this mess, so you might just be hearing more from me in this book. 

Now I need to get my job interview  over with (I have one at Michael's this morning) and then really start processing the fact that I've actually graduated. 

Have a good day, everyone, and wish me luck on this new probably disastrous journey of mine.  😊