Alright, I'm just gonna lay things out here, I'm not one of those girls who is totally shameless about these things.

I am honestly disgusted with myself for having these feelings, and I wish I could make them go away.

But sadly, there's no way to decide who I fall for, and my heart seems to like making things extra difficult.

It does a number on my self esteem.

I lay awake at night and let the demons into my head, and they whisper things in my my ears reminding me of all the times I've done stupid things in front of him. How I don't matter at all to him and I'm just another student he has to teach for an hour and a half each day, and he would never want to spend any time with me outside of class because I'm just a nuisance.  He's laughing at my jokes at the end of the day when I hang out with him for a couple of minutes after class, but he's really just pleading for me to leave.  He really secretly hates me, he knows about my feelings and he laughs about me with his friends and family saying "this dumb girl in my class actually has a crush on me, can you believe it???" And they all laugh and say how disgusting I am

It's hard to get any good work done in class because I'm trying so hard to impress him, and even though he told me he'd be proud of me no matter what I do, I still manage to convince myself that nothing is ever good enough for him.

And honestly I become a different person around him, and I'm always desperate for his attention.

It's not all fun and games, or some sort of fantasy.

It's difficult.

But I'll get through it, and itll pass over.

I hope...