Today, I was the first one to wake up, which didn't happen very often.

I admired Matt for a while. He looked so beautiful and peaceful. I wish I could wake up to this sight every morning.

It was quite late, so I decided to get up and get ready for the day. I did my skincare, put on my clothes and made my coffee. When I started to hear some sounds from the bedroom, I made a coffee for Matt too.

"Good morning," He greeted me when I was washing my cup.

"Good morning, sleepyhead."

"Thank you for not letting me sleep on the couch." He said as he took his coffee from the table.

I smiled at him and watched him drink the coffee.

"Do you have any plans for today? Maybe we could do the walk from Westminster through Southbank to Tower Bridge that you wanted to do." Matt asked.

I immediately got nervous. "Uhm, well I do have the date with Lucas in 2 hours, but I think we could manage to do the walk after that too."

Matt immediately froze. It took him some time before he managed to get a sentence out of himself. "You're still going on a date with him?"

"Yeah. Is there a problem?" I immediately regretted asking.

"No, I guess not," Matt said pissed off and started walking towards his room.

"Don't you dare walk away. Tell me what's the problem." I raised my voice. I still couldn't believe that I was actually starting this conversation and confronting him. I wasn't like this usually, but I guess, I had enough of this uncertainty.

He turned around and stood there looking at me for a few seconds. "What's the problem? You're asking me what's the problem?! The problem is that you act like nothing happened!"

"What do you mean?" I tried to keep my voice as calm as possible, even though I probably failed.

"Everything! Don't pretend you didn't feel the tension the last few days. You want to tell me that the kiss yesterday was just for practice? Or the sex at the party? I said 'I love you', for fuck's sake! And I was foolish to believe you when you said it too."

"But you were drunk on alcohol and sex! I thought you didn't mean it." I was on the verge of tears. I hate it when we fight, and this definitely was the biggest one that could ruin everything. I was so confused by what he was saying and didn't understand what was happening.

"Of course I meant it! Every single thing I did or said was because I love you. Why do you think I suggested to help you gain some experience in the first place? I was madly in love and desperate!"

I stood there in complete shock. I was so blind. I was so blind to it all. I was hoping, that his feelings were reciprocated but even that was hard for me to believe. I didn't want to see the truth, scared of what might happen if we got together and didn't make it. However, I never would've thought that he liked me even before that. He was in love with me the whole time. I was trying to process his words but with no luck.

"Did you mean it? Do you love me?" Matt asked.

Yes. Of course. I wanted to say it out loud. I really did. But I couldn't. My mouth wasn't cooperating.

It was breaking my heart to see him so sad. Tears were starting to stream down our faces.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't say 'I love you'.

And I couldn't face him.

So I ran.

I quickly put on my shoes and ran.

I didn't know where I was running. I just knew I was.

Suddenly I realised that I had run to a park.

There were no people, so I sat down on the first bench I saw and broke down crying.

I couldn't believe what I just did.

I didn't say 'I love you' back to my best friend, who I love so deeply and left him in our flat crying.

I blew everything up.

Even the one person who always stood next to me now hates me.

I could've had it all.

But no. I needed to ruin it.

My heart was beating faster and faster, and after a while, it started to get hard to breathe. I tried to calm down and take deep breaths, but it wasn't working. After a while, I realised that I was wearing the cardigan from Matt. I immediately wrapped my hands around my body and tried to focus on the cardigan while taking deep breaths. It took a while, but it did eventually help.

I tried to calm myself down, but every time I broke down crying again. Because I knew I fucked it all up, and there was no way that Matt would ever forgive me.

I didn't know for already how long have I been at the park when I heard a familiar voice.

"Lizzy? Oh my god, Lizzy. Are you okay?!"

I couldn't believe my eyes.

It was Matt.

He found me.

"What-... what are you doing here?" I asked, all confused with tears still streaming down my face.

"The better question is, what are you doing here? Come here." He said and pulled me into his embrace. I tightly wrapped my arms around him, not wanting to let him go ever again.

"Let's go home, okay?" Matt said after a while. He helped me to stand up, and I held on to his arm the whole way back to our flat.

"Can we just lay down for a while?" I asked when we walked through the door.

"Of course," Matt said and led us to his bedroom.

We lay on the bed, and I was still in his embrace. My head on his chest. Our arms wrapped around each other. Matt started gently brushing through my hair with his fingers, which instantly relaxed me. So much that I even fell asleep for a while.

When I woke up, I was alone in bed, but I could hear Matt's voice from the living room.

"...she wasn't feeling well, and she's asleep right now...yeah, I'll tell her...okay, bye." I heard Matt speaking to someone on the phone.

I slowly walked to the living room, still sleepy from the nap.

"Who was that?" I asked.

Matt turned around when he heard my voice. "Lucas. He was worried when you didn't show up for the date."

"Fuck," I said and sat down on the couch. After a few seconds, Matt joined me there.

"I ruined everything today...I'll apologize to Lucas later, but firstly...I need to apologize to you, even though you probably hate me, but I still nee-"

"Whoa, let's stop right here for a second," Matt started, lifted my chin and looked into my eyes. "Liz, I could never hate you. Never."

One single tear left my eye, but I quickly wiped it and continued talking.

"Well,... I don't know where to start... I'm just so incredibly sorry... I truly didn't know that you felt about me like that... I always saw you just as a friend, even after the first few kisses, that we shared. But then suddenly...I don't know what changed...but I started to feel the tension, and then I realised that I was developing feelings for you. However, I was so so so fucking scared. Scared of my feelings, scared that you don't feel them and even more scared that you do feel them. I just cannot picture my life without you, and I was afraid that if we got together and something happened to us...I just didn't wanna lose you. So, I convinced myself that you don't have any feelings for me and that it's just all in my head. That's why when you asked me this morning if I love you... I couldn't say it because I was scared,...and I couldn't face you, so I ran...of course that doesn't excuse my actions...I just want you to understand and know that I am so deeply sorry for hurting you. I know my actions were cruel and stupid, and I quickly realised that when I was in the park...I knew I fucked up and... I really thought I lost you." More tears started to stream down my face as I tried to explain everything. When I looked at Matt, I could see tears in his eyes, too.

"Liz-..." Matt's voice broke down, and he pulled me into his embrace and kissed me on the top of my head.

Then he looked into my eyes again. "I admit I was hurt and angry for a moment this morning...which I want to apologize for, too...especially for shouting at you...I guess all the confusion and anger built up and...I lost it. But Liz...when you ran away, and I finally calmed myself down...I was so fucking scared. I thought I lost you, too. I thought I pushed you away. And then I was terrified that something might happen to you or that it'll trigger a panic attack and...when I saw that you left your phone and keys here...I just ran to find you, and I still cannot believe that I did. But my heart broke into a million pieces when I saw you crying on that bench...I'm so sorry for pushing you."

This time I pulled him in closer to me. "It's okay," I murmured into his chest.

"I did have a panic attack at the park, but...actually, your cardigan helped me to calm down," I said as I looked at him and caressed his cheek. "And...I...I do...love you. Just, please, be patient with me, in case I still sometimes struggle with this whole situation...but...I love you so much, Matty." I said it. I finally said it. And it felt so good.

Another batch of tears started to stream down Matt's face. "I love you too, Lizzy."

I took his head into my hands and gently kissed him.

I cannot even describe the kiss. It contained so many emotions. But the most important one was love. We both finally knew what the kiss meant for both of us.