I hope Mama and Papa return soon. For my brother's sake, at least. He has been restless in my lap now for the past while, probably an hour or three. I really do not know how long he has been in my lap. All I have been thinking about is how glad I am that he finally decided to trust me to comfort him and how will I ever enhance my magic within me so he will no longer fear it? If Mama or Papa find out, then I will feel embarrassed. Mama has been tirelessly training me. I should be better than this by now.

My brother lets me know how much more training I need without anyone else saying anything. I won't need Mama or Papa telling me either. And it hurts me inside.

A few moments later and Lance perks up from resting his head on my leg. His eyes are trained on the front door as Myst walks up front to look out the window. Sounds approach from outside, many kinds of sounds, including footsteps, horse galloping, clanking and voices. A smile appearsacross my face for a moment before I remember I am practicing not to showemotion at all. 

Mama and Papa will know I am happy to see them. They do not need to see me smile.

Lance glances at me before scrambling to get up from my lap and rushes towards the door right as Papa Greil emerges there, "Pah-Pah!"

"Ho, ho! Hello there young Lance!" Papa Greil says with his boasting laugh and he glances over at me. He smiles at me before spinning around behind him. I know everyone is returning but I am not much for greeting in large groups. Later, I shall see everyone as they come to me usually. It is a routine now that they all know to visit me by themselves or I will usually not respond.

Mama always refers to it as shyness, but I know she is just being nice about it. She knows I am not much of a people person. I even am 'shy' around Mama too and I am very fond of her. I perk up around her when she visits me and that is enough for her. I can tell she doesn't mind at all. Papa seems to not mind as well. He usually visits me before Mama, caressing me on the head after embracing me and whispering encouraging things to me before letting Mama have her turn with me.

And I think I just found out why I have become this way.

I watch Lance greet Papa and then Mama before turning and silently walk outside to the practice field. I pull my hood up over my head and find myself in the back of the field near the pile of rocks I was practicing on before. I study the rock sitting on top of the pile for a moment as memories from my previous practice session flash into my conscience. I shake the memory from my mind and push it aside as I ball up my fists in frustration.

The rock I am focusing on swiftly becomes encompassed with a dark film and cleanly breaks into two pieces. My mouth falls open and my fists relax as a gasp escapes my lips. I leap back in shock and closely study the rock. Did a simple thought just do that?

I slowly approach the pile of rocks and focus on the broken one. I take a deep breath and calm myself, relieving myself from the wave of frustration that was just swirling within me. I cannot allow my emotion to take over me like that. I must ignore all emotions and only use them for practice.

I release my breath I was just holding and focus on the broken rock once again. I lift my right hand and focus my energy into it. My eyes darken and I feel my energy flow through me towards my arm. My hand slowly becomes encompassed with the dark film and I hold it above the broken rock on the top of the mound.

So, all I need to do is feel what I want to happen and...?

I scrunch up my brows and clench my fist tightly while squinting down at the rock. The left piece becomes enveloped in the dark film once again and shatters all in a matter of a second. I widen my eyes and release my fist as I stare at the shattered rock for a moment. I feel my emotion fading slightly in my arm now that I have stopped focusing on the rock.

I slide my eyes to the right rock piece and focus onto that one, while clenching my fist above it once again. This rock gets slowly enveloped in the dark film and I raise my hand slightly. The rock slowly raises with my hand. I feel my emotion flow through my arm and then out of it like it is flowing to the rock.

That must be how this works. This must be what Mama was trying to explain to me and what she meant about focusing my emotion.

I glance up to see if anything is near me to find I am still alone in the far back of the field. I swiftly flick my hand to my right and the rock swiftly soars through the air and shatters into many pieces when it hits the ground many feet away from me. I keep my gaze on the shattered rock without turning towards it for a moment.

I notice something near me, slightly behind me where I could not see before. I lower my hand and spin around to find my brother watching me intently. When he notices that I am watching him, he looks as though he slightly stumbles away from me and his eyes widen slightly like something has frightened him. My mouth opens marginally as I swiftly push away my emotions and the dark film disappears from my hand and eyes. I find his gaze and he watches me, motionless, for a short moment like he cannot move. If I try to approach him, I am sure he will run away. If I show any emotion towards him at all he will fear me. So, I just stand there.

And it works for a moment.

But rustling sounds emerge from behind me in the forest and my brother's eyes fill with fear. He swiftly spins around and runs away back inside. I want to chase him. I want to feel sadness that he still feels fear when he is near me. I want to comfort him until he feels safe around me.

But I do nothing.

I just watch him disappear into the keep side entrance and hold back the tears that threaten to envelope me. I cannot allow weakness to control me anymore. I will become the best dark magician I can be and I will be your protector, brother.

Even if it means I must protect you from afar.

I slowly turn around and I find my feet carrying me towards the cliff-side near where my brother ran away from me earlier. I stare out towards where the moon is starting to rise from the tree line as far as the eye can see. I feel at peace when I gaze at the moon. The night cool air calms me and the moon seems to absorb the worries right out of me. I feel all my stress from trying to constantly control my emotions fade away and I feel peace.

Solitude. Where I do not have any worries at all.

After watching emerge into a full moon and completely rise, I sit down by the edge and close my eyes.

It doesn't take long for the void to pull me from my conscious.

Someday, Lance will understand, Merric, of everything that you have done for him.