TRI

It was past twelve when everyone's started to leave the court. Tumulong ako sa paglilinis bago umuwi at nang hanapin ko si Allison para makaalis na kami ay hindi ko siya makita.

"Nakita n'yo po si Allison?" Tanong ko sa mga kasama ko.

"Ay, oo, Ma'am. Pinapasabi pala niya na mauuna na siya kasama si nurse Helia."

Tumango ako pero sa totoo lang ay nagpaplano na ako kung anong sasabihin ko sa kaniya mamaya. Hating gabi na pero iniwan pa rin niya ako dito mag-isa.

"Tapos ka na?"

Umikot ako upang maharap ang nagsalita sa likod ko at nakita si Dax. He's one of the people who stayed as well to help cleaning. Kasama namin kanina ang dalawa naming kaibigan pero katulad ng sinabi nila, nauna na ang dalawang umuwi. I'm not stupid to not realize what they are up to. They left me with him.

I nodded.

"Let's go, then."

Nagpaalam ako kina Ma'am Zeny at sa iba pa bago ako sumunod kay Dax. Paglabas namin ng court ay sumalubong sa'min ang madilim na kapaligiran. The light's on court is on, but now that we're out, it's dark again.

Mabibilang lang din kasi sa daliri ang mga poste ng ilaw dito sa San Fernando. Hindi ito ang unang pagkakataon na uuwi ako nang ganitong oras ngunit hindi rin naman madalas mangyari ito. Maybe some people think that I am so brave for living in this town not knowing what dangers I might face alone, but the truth is, I was scared. I'm always scared. Pero kung hahayaan kong matalo ako lagi ng aking takot, hindi ako nakakasigurado kung magiging posible ba ang mga pangarap ko.

When I left the City three years ago to start a new life I always dreamed of, I was doubtful of myself if I'd really make it. I grew up having the things handed over to me. I grew up guarded. I grew up with my nanay always being there with me. Kahit pangarap kong matutong mabuhay ng mag-isa sa mundong ito, laging nandoon pa rin ang takot na baka hindi ko kayanin. I keep making myself believe that I am not the person that others think of me, but what if I really am? What if they were right?

"I can bet this isn't your first time walking at this hour here." He spoke against the silence surrounding us.

"Nope." Sagot ko. "Sa pagkakatanda ko, pangatlong beses pa lang 'to."

Naramdaman ko ang pagbaling niya sa'kin kaya naman tinignan ko rin siya. Even in the dim light, I can see how his brows furrowed.

"Tuwing pista lang ako umuuwi ng ganitong oras. Ganito rin nila pinagdiriwang ang pasko at bagong taon pero hindi ko pa sila nakasama sa ganoong okasyon. I usually go home during holidays to celebrate it with my family."

Tumango siya at ibinalik ang tingin sa daan. I did the same thing.

"You're brave." He spoke again which made my heart jump.

I don't know how to respond to that. Am I really brave?

"Not sure of that." I forced a chuckle.

"Three years ago, when you left, I thought I knew you."

Kumunot ang aking noo sa sinabi niyang iyon pero hindi ako nagsalita. I waited for him to continue.

"Maybe, I did. But looking at you now, I don't think I ever knew you that well." He looked down and smiled.

Huminto ako sa paglalakad at hinarap siya. Nang mapansin niya ang paghinto ko ay tumigil din siya at hinarap ako.

"Hindi ako nagsisi na sinubukan kong pigilan kang iwan ako. But weeks after you left, that's when I realized that I could never stop you."

"Dax," the only word that comes out of my mouth.

He gave me a faint smile and avoided my eyes. He looked up at the sky as he spoke again.

"I was never angry at you for leaving me. Alam kong hindi ka umalis dahil hindi mo na 'ko mahal... but I was hurt when I realized that you can never love me more than you love your dreams. And you know what I realize after that many realizations? That I'm so stupid for thinking that I will make you choose between me and your dreams. I was so scared to live this life without you. I thought I couldn't make it to another day without you by my side."

"But you're here. You lived without me for three years." I said in a low voice.

He brought back his eyes on me and, in the dark, I saw pain crossed it.

"Because that's what I know you want me to do. You weren't with me physically... but you never left in my heart. In my head, you're still with me."

I bit my lip and looked away. I can imagine the pain he had to go through for breaking his heart. I was hurt and, for three years, I never forget about him. But I don't think my pain is in any comparison to the pain he had to endure. I left and I was happy. I was alive. But him, I left him, broke his heart, he suffered, and he lived because he had no other choices.

"Everyone thinks I'm a fool for waiting for someone they don't know if would still come back. But I'm not a fool. I know you will come back to me. Call it arrogance or whatever you want to call it, but all my life, you're the only person I ever loved this hard."

"I still love you, Tri."

Nanuot sa'king balat ang malamig na simoy ng hangin mula sa mga puno at ang tahimik na kapaligiran ay naging saksi sa pagbilis ng tibok ng aking puso.

"I was wrong when I thought you almost forgot how much I love you. That night I fought for you was also the night that I realized you changed. I've known you since I was thirteen, since we were in college, since we started living together, but I failed on the part of knowing you again after that. We were together for eight years but I never asked you about the life you want on your own. I didn't know that you wanted to grow on your own. I didn't know that the kind of love you're giving me is the one that I will have as a weapon to fight for this life alone. You're brave for leaving me. You're brave for choosing yourself. You're brave for learning how to live without me. You grew to be the person I failed to notice that you want to become."

I thought I was selfish for choosing myself and hurting him. I thought I was a coward for leaving him and coming after my dreams. I expected him to tell me those, but instead, he called me brave. He thinks I'm brave. He still thinks the best of me in spite of all the pain I caused him all these years. I was never the best friend and girlfriend he ever had, but he never made me feel like I needed to be like one. I was once insecure and very jealous girlfriend because of him, but I realized that it was all just in my head. He always tried to be good for me because he never wanted to hurt me, but I never did the same thing. I hurt him but he still loves me.

"I just want you to know that the love I have for you, it never left. It never slept. It's awake the whole time for three years you were gone in my life. You never wanted me to fight for you... you want me to fight for myself—for the life ahead of me. You want us to grow. You want us to be better. That's why you left."

I swallowed the bile in my throat and blinked the burning tears forming in my eyes. He has no idea how my love for him never left, too. And his words only prove how undeserving I am of his love but... I still want his heart.

Sometimes in our lives, we have to give up the things that we love for things that we need. And sometimes it's the other way around; we have to give up the things that we need for the things that we love. But, right now, I'm not giving up anything.

When I left Dax, I knew I made the right decision; it's just that it wasn't the best. I know teaching was my calling and I really do love the kids. I'm needed here and I need these kids to fulfill my passion. But the people before me are right. We can't always have all the things we want at the same time. And, perhaps, there's just really a part of me that is naturally greedy because I want more than this.

I want Dax back in my life without giving up this life.

"When I left three years ago, that's what I think was the right thing to do." I confessed.

A little light shone at us and I saw the combination of feelings on his face—awe, pain, regrets, love, and something else I can't term.

"And it was the right thing." My voice shook as I resumed.

I smiled through the tears blurring my sight.

"But now..." I trailed off and shook my head. "I don't think it is anymore."

Tinaas ko nang bahagya ang aking kamay at pinakita ko sa kaniya ang promise ring na binigay niya sa'kin noon.

"You really thought wrong of me because the truth is... I never wanted you out of my life. For the past three years that passed, you were always with me. I grew with you. I grew with the love you have for me since we were thirteen. I lived with the comfort of being certain that you will always be the one for me. Call it arrogance or whatever you like," I copied his words and smirked, "but I never stop loving you."

The tears successfully cascaded down my cheeks and that's when I also finally decided to admit the truth to myself.

"I need you in my life, Dax."

Parang hangin ay mabilis niyang inokupa ang espasyo sa pagitan naming dalawa at binalot ako sa isang mahigpit na yakap. Tinago ko ang aking mukha sa kaniyang dibdib at bumuhos na parang gripo ang aking mga luha.

One truth about life that not all people try to think about is that everyone is inconsistent and everything changes. If we all accept that truth, I think we wouldn't get hurt anymore. However, life is supposed to be complicated. Logic— at times— is defeated by sentiments. Like how my logic about life has turned into a small size of my fist and my sentiments grew. And one sentimental truth about life is that people— like me— crave a person who can give us consistency and will remain standing by our side through ups and downs no matter how rapid the changes are. Because in a world where everyone always leaves and everything constantly changes, our hearts want someone who will stay.

It's a rare thing to find someone who can love you until the end of time, and lucky me, I met Dax because he's no like other. I know I'm not a perfect believer of God, but I thank Him for blessing me a man like Dax.

In a world where everything is constantly changing and everyone is leaving, Dax showed that he's my only consistent and permanent. When the world kept on telling me that I didn't deserve him, he covered my ears with his hands and looked me in the eye telling me otherwise— I deserve him.

"I love you, Tri." He whispered in my ears with a cracked voice.

I tried to convince myself that sacrifices were necessary to get where I wanted to be, but the truth was, they weren't. I don't need to sacrifice my feelings for Dax and the dream of a lifetime with him for the career I want to create here because I know— we both know— that everything is possible if we can just accept the fact that we will always be part of each other's life. 

I know that I will never be happy if sacrifices are made when, in fact, I can just choose both. I'm choosing him and the life I have here. And I know he'll do the same.