HEA02
TRI
Pagod ako dahil sa maghapong trabaho at naghahanap ang katawan ko ng pahinga pero nang humiga na ako sa kama, hindi ko naman magawang makatulog.
I sighed and stood. Lumabas ako ng kwarto at dumiretso sa kusina upang magtimpla ng gatas. Nagpainit muna ako ng tubig at hinintay itong kumulo. I tapped my fingers on the kitchen sink and turned around to look at my fridge's door. I walked slowly towards it and stared at the pictures I put in there.
It was the photo I and Dax first took. Mapait akong ngumiti at naglakad patungo sa living room. Sa maliit na center table sa tabi ng bintana ko ay naroon ang iilang picture frames na nilagay ko. There's a picture of me and Allison during our first abroad trip together last year. I also framed the family picture we took during New Year's Eve four years ago with Dax's family. At sa pinakagitna ng lamesa ay naroon ang dalawang litrato namin ni Dax. The first one was the picture we took when we graduated college and the second one is when he graduated in Med School.
I still clearly remember that day when I left him. Siguro at iniisip niyang kinalimutan ko na siya pero sa loob ng nagdaang tatlong taon, walang araw ang lumipas na hindi ko siya inisip. When I thought he couldn't be part of my dreams, I was wrong. Because no matter how I make myself believe that this is the life I wanted, I still feel so lonely... I still feel so incomplete. And when I saw him this morning for the first time after three years, I suddenly felt whole. But it was short-lived because it's gone again.
I'm my own person. Simple phrase yet so powerful. For someone who lived her entire life being dictated what to do and not to do, it still feels like a dream to finally be in control of my life now. I know I've been deciding for myself after I met Dax, but being able to finally do the things that I always wanted to do is different. It's freeing. Like I'm a bird that can do everything I want because I am finally out of the cage.
The unfair reality of life is that we have to sacrifice some essential things for bigger things. That truth is shown in humans' daily lives; kids attending school, parents working all day, and not having enough time to spend together. We sacrifice the time we have for our family because education and work is a necessities in this world to survive that even though we barely see them, we don't have any other choices. Like how I sacrificed the life I have with Dax for my bigger dreams. It doesn't mean that I didn't love him enough... it's just that we have different places in the world we failed to see. While he belongs to the bright side of the world, I don't.
No matter how lonely I feel for not having him around, I can't give up the life I created here on my own.
I wiped the treacherous tear that cascaded down my cheeks and went back to the kitchen. Pinatay ko ang kalan at nagtimpla na ng gatas.
At bakit ko ba masyado itong iniisip? He's only here for a while... he will not stay. Katulad ko, may sarili na rin siyang buhay na binuo sa syudad.
"Stop overthinking, please." Bulong ko sa'king sarili at humigop sa mainit na gatas.
Nang maubos ko ang gatas ay bumalik na ulit ako sa kwarto at sinubukang matulog ngunit hindi ko pa rin magawa. Tinaas ko ang aking kamay at tinitigan ang singsing sa daliri ko. He was looking at it when we were inside the van earlier. What must be inside his head? Hindi ko naman intensiyon na itago ang totoo kong nararamdaman sa kaniya; if he assumes that I still have feelings for him, he's right. Pero paano kung hindi niya na nakilala ang singsing na binigay niya sa'kin noon?
Pumikit ako ng mariin at nagtaklob ng kumot sa mukha. I know him. Hindi siya ang tipo ng tao na madaling makalimot... alam kong hindi niya ako madaling makakalimutan.
Hindi ko alam kung anong oras na ako nakatulog pero nakakasigurado akong hindi iyon sapat. Nagising ako na madilim pa sa labas at hindi na ako ulit nakabalik sa pagtulog. Hindi pa gaanong maliwanag nang lumabas ako at sinundo si Cha-cha sa kanila dahil nakasanayan na naming maagang maglakad papasok ng school.
"Good morning po, Teacher Tri!"
Ngumiti ako sa napaka-energetic na bati sa'kin ni Cha-cha nang pumasok ako sa bahay nila. Grade 1 student siya na naging malapit sa'kin dahil magkapit-bahay lang kami. Madalas ko siyang biruin noon na kapag nag-grade 2 na siya ay hindi ko na siya isasabay pauwi dahil malaki na siya. Binati ko ang kaniyang nanay at naghintay saglit bago siya natapos ayusan. Hinawakan ko ang kaniyang kamay at sabay na kaming lumabas ng bahay nila.
"Maaga ka pong nagising ulit, Teacher?" Tanong ni Cha-cha.
Ngumiti ako. "Sobrang aga." Hindi nga ako nakatulog.
"Ako rin po maagang nagising!"
"Gano'n ba—"
"Tri! Papasok na kayo?"
Sabay kaming lumingon ni Cha-cha sa tumawag sa'kin. I saw Helia a few steps away, standing near their van. Sasagutin ko sana siya nang biglang lumabas si Dax mula sa loob ng tinuluyan nilang bahay.
Wearing a white polo shirt and white pants, he looks so clean. Medyo basa pa rin ang kaniyang buhok na para bang kalalabas niya lang ng banyo at nakalimutan niyang magpatuyo. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kamay ni Cha-cha at pinilit na pinakalma ang nagwawala kong puso.
Agang-aga, umayos ka, Tri.
"Sumabay na kayo sa'min. Papunta na rin kami." Suggestion ni Helia at doon lang napansin ni Dax na ako ang kinakausap ng kaibigan niya.
Nagtagpo ang aming mga mata at sa halip na kumalma ang puso ko ay mas lalo lamang itong nagwala.
"Teacher Tri, ang sakit po ng hawak mo sa'kin."
Mabilis na bumaba ang tingin ko kay Cha-cha at nakitang mahigpit nga ang hawak ko sa kaniyang kamay.
"Sorry," I apologized at inayos ang paghawak ko sa kaniya.
"'Wag ka nang mahiya, Tri, hindi ka na naman bago sa'min—"
I sarcastically smirked at Helia. "Thanks for offering us a ride pero maglalakad na lang kami ni Cha-cha. We like taking morning walks."
Alam kong napansin ni Helia ang reaksiyon ko dahil mas lalo niya pa akong inasar. No wonder bakit nagkakasundo silang dalawa ni Allison.
"Gano'n ba? Si Doc din kasi gustong maglakad. He also likes taking morning walks." He uttered the last words meaningfully.
I glared at him but he only smiled at me.
"'Diba, Dax? Maglalakad ka na rin?" Tinulak niya si Dax na may hawak pang kahon at kinuha iyon sa kaniya. "Ako na ang mag-aayos, Doc! You can trust me! Go and take a morning walk with Teacher Tri!"
Ngumiwi ako. I want to curse him suddenly.
"Ay, may kasama pala kayong cute na bata!" Habol ni Helia.
Inirapan ko siya. "Let's go, Cha-cha."
"Nakakatawa po si Kuya Helia para po siyang clown."
May tumawa sa likod ko kaya naman nilingon ko dahil akala ko ay si Helia iyon. Umurong ang dila ko nang makitang ilang dipa lang ang agwat ni Dax sa'kin.
"Good morning." He greeted me with that familiar bright smile.
I awkwardly smiled and greeted him back. "Good morning,"
"Good morning po, Doc Dax! Sasabay ka rin po ba sa'ming maglakad? Maganda po maglakad dito sa'min tuwing umaga!"
Niyuko niya si Cha-cha at kaswal na nakipag-usap. It's obvious na ako lang naman talaga ang awkward dito.
"Talaga ba?" Biro niya.
"Opo! Tara po at ipapakita ko sa'yo!" Hinawakan niya kamay ni Dax dahilan para mapagitnaan namin siyang dalawa.
"Teacher Tri, ipakita natin kay Doc Dax ang dinadaanan lagi natin tuwing umaga!" Excited niyang sambit at sino ba ako para ipagkait iyon sa bata.
Sinubukan kong iwasan na tumingin kay Dax habang naglalakad kami at nagpapasalamat ako kay Cha-cha dahil walang preno niya itong kinakausap.
"Maganda po talaga dito maglakad pero kapag pupunta po kayong ilaya ay medyo maputik na ang daan doon. Doon po nakatira si Kuya Anong na estudyante ni Teacher Tri." Patuloy na kwento ni Cha-cha na nagpangiti sa'kin.
Inayos ko ang aking buhok nang humampas ang pang-umagang hangin. Nilanghap ko ang sariwang hangin at ito ang isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit gusto kong maglakad tuwing umaga. Bukod sa hindi pa masakit sa balat ang araw ay masarap sa pakiramdam ang pang-umagang hangin na dala ng maraming puno sa paligid.
"Hanggang kailan po kayo dito, Doc Dax?"
Sinulyapan ko si Dax nang itanong iyon ni Cha-cha. Nanlaki ang aking mga mata nang mahuli ko siyang nakatingin na sa'kin. I quickly looked away.
"Isang linggo ang plano namin pero kung matatapos agad kami sa lahat ay baka abutin lang kami ng ilang araw."
Kinagat ko ang aking labi at hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nasaktan sa sagot niyang iyon.
"Hindi na po kayo babalik?"
Nabalot kami ng nakakabinging katahimikan pagkatapos nang tanong na iyon. Nagpatuloy kami sa paglalakad ngunit hinihintay ko ang kaniyang sagot.
Pinigilan ko ang sarili na sulyapan siya kahit pakiramdam ko ay nakatingin na siya sa'kin.
"Babalik ako." Mahina niyang sagot pero narinig ko.
My heart started racing over something I was not familiar with. I did my best to hide the smile that was starting to form on my lips.
"Talaga po?!" Nagtatalon si Cha-cha at hindi niya 'ata napansin na pinagdikit niya ang kamay naming dalawa ni Dax.
Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. Nakangiti siyang tumango para kay Cha-cha pero nasa akin ang kaniyang tingin.
"Oo." He answered that for the kid but it felt like he was talking to me.
Nahihirapan na akong huminga kaya naman iniwas ko na ulit ang aking tingin. Kung hahaba pa ang titigan naming dalawa ay makakasigurado akong mababasa niya na ang nasa isip ko at malalaman niya na ang tinatago kong nararamdaman ngayon.
"Kung ganoon po, dapat sa katabing bahay ni Teacher Tri ka rin po tumira para may nagbabantay na kay Teacher!"
Hilaw akong ngumisi kay Cha-cha at tinapik ang kaniyang ulo. Sa ganitong pagkakataon ko hinihiling na sana ay hindi sobrang daldal ng mga bata.
Humalakhak si Dax kaya naman binalingan ko siya.
"Sige ba." Natatawa niyang sagot sa bata.
Naningkit ang aking mga mata pero bago niya pa mahuli na nakatingin ako sa kaniya ay ibinalik ko na ang tingin sa harap.
Volunteering in a medical mission isn't really out of Dax's character, but he's a busy person, and doing volunteer work might not be as beneficial as it was before for him now. But, look, he's here and it seems like he has plans of staying.
The only question is... for how long?
"I heard you built a clinic." I opened the topic.
It was just once a dream, but it's real now. I'm happy for him, but there's a bitter part of me that wishes I was there with him. I smiled faintly; I don't regret anything but sometimes I linger on the thought of what if things weren't that complicated before? Maybe things would have ended beautifully for both of us.
Or maybe... we haven't reached the end yet.
"It was a small clinic in town. I opened it a year ago."
"Congratulations. It's always been your dream."
He smiled shyly. "You know my dream."
Ngumuso ako. "You're competent and hard-working. There's still ahead of years and we can never tell, maybe you'll have your own hospital someday."
He chuckled genuinely, not in an offensive way. "It's not surprising that you still believe in my impossible dreams."
"It's not impossible."
He grinned and shrugged. "Never changed, huh?"
I rolled my eyes at him. He laughed.
"I'll start my specialty training in emergency medicine next year." He shared.
I'm not surprised, I counted years and I knew that Dax always wanted to specialize in EM. I know his plans and it seems like it hasn't changed. Dax's love for medicine and saving people's lives is something few would understand. Iniisip ng ibang tao, kapag nag-doctor ka ay dahil malaki ang sahod— dahil iyon ang expectations sa'yo. But Dax isn't like that. He pursued medicine because it was his calling. He was born to save lives, and even if he feels like he failed in some— or more— circumstances, it's not his fault. He's just a tool, some force we can't see has plans for us and we can't blame ourselves for the loss of lives we had in our hands when it's not our intention and doing.
I know Dax and I believe in his capacity to stand what the Emergency Room awaits for him.
"Second year na si Nabo. He's taking Education."
Tumango ako at ngumiti. "I heard."
Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na ang dating mga bata na tinuturuan ko lang noon sa kalsada ay nakakapag-aral na ngayon.
"I visited the kids last week. Nasabi ni Nabo na gusto niyang maging guro katulad mo."
My heart warm because of that. It's always been my goal to inspire other people but I never knew that it would feel like this. Umalis ako ng Cavite at bumuo ako ng panibagong buhay dito sa San Fernando ngunit kailanman ay hindi ko sila nakalimutan. Ang ibang mga bata ay nasa kanilang foster family and they are being treated well. Pero si Nabo, Angge, at Kenneth ay nananatiling nasa shelter na pinatayo nila Mommy. For the past eleven years, the shelter expanded and the donations are continuous. We also make sure na ang mga naaampon ay nasa mabuting kamay. The adopted ones are being visited once a month to make sure they are really safe. I'm happy to know that the kids who used to only live in the dirty corner of street are now being taken care of.
"You didn't give up on those kids. They are lucky they have you."
Tiningala kami ni Cha-cha dahil siguro hindi niya alam kung anong pinag-uusapan namin pero nanatili siyang nakikinig lamang.
I love kids. I found my purpose in teaching and want to live longer because I believe there are still many kids who need me. And I believe in the kids. Naniniwala ako na may magandang hinaharap na naghihintay para sa kanila. One of them, or maybe all of them, would soon make a very big change to the world. That's the reason why I don't like the idea of giving up on them. I have so much hope for these kids.
"They have you, too." Sa mababang boses kong sabi.
I turned my head to look at him and found him staring in front. Tipid siyang ngumiti at tumango.
Pagkatapos ng maikling na pag-uusap na iyon ay nagpatuloy kami sa tahimik na paglalakad. Hindi rin nagtagal ay nakarating na kami sa school. I went straight to my classroom pagkatapos kong ihatid si Cha-cha sa classroom niya while Dax joined his colleagues in the tent.
"Ma'am Tri, ako na po ba ang magpi-pray?" Salubong sa'kin ng isa sa mga estudyante ko.
"Yes po, ikaw na po." Sagot ko at binuksan na ang mga bintana sa loob.
Habang may medical mission na nagaganap sa labas ay nagsimula na akong magklase sa kanila. Nang mag-lunch ay sumaglit ako sa malapit na palengke upang bumili ng pang-merienda para sa aming mga bisita. Mas marami rin ang tao ngayon kaysa kahapon kaya naman hindi ko na rin nakausap si Dax at Helia.
While my students are busy answering their textbooks, sumaglit ako sa labas upang silipin sina Dax sa tent. Kumaway sa'kin si Helia nang matanaw niya ako at ganoon din ang ginawa ni Dax. Ngumiti ako sa kanila pero hindi ako sigurado kung nakita nila iyon.
I watched as he passionately does his job and I couldn't help but admire him more. I grew up believing that kindness is rare but Dax made me see that it wasn't. I am thankful for how much impact he had in my life; I am here, at this place, because he believed in me. He taught me to believe in myself. He helped me to be free. And he was there with me when I was finding growth.
"Ma'am, tapos na po ako magsagot."
Bumalik ako sa loob at naabutan ang mga estudyante ko na tahimik na naghihintay sa'kin. Maybe, I'm too emotional because the tears are suddenly on the verge of my eyes.
This is what I want. This is my dream. I have to remember that.
I knew he wouldn't stay that long here but when their last day here came, I suddenly wished he would never leave.
"Hindi kami magsasawang magpasalamat sa inyo, Doc. Hindi madalas nakakatanggap ng tulong ang lugar naming ito ngunit mabuti pa rin ang Panginoon dahil dumating kayo rito." Nag-uumapaw na pasasalamat ni Ma'am Zeny sa mga medical volunteers.
Nasa likod ako ng tatlo kong co-teachers at nasa pinaka-unahan si Ma'am Zeny. Nagpalitan pa sila ng pasasalamat ng ilang beses bago nagsimulang pumasok sa loob ng van ang iba at naiwan si Dax kasama si Helia.
"Tri, alis na kami! Mag-iingat ka dito, ha!" Malakas na sigaw ni Helia at lumapit sa'kin upang yakapin ako.
Meron din naman akong mga kaibigan dito ngunit hindi ko maiwasang maging emosyonal nang yakapin ako ni Helia. I only have a very few friends back in the City—si Allison, si Helia, ang kapatid ni Dax na si Denisse, at... si Dax. For seven days they were here, it felt like I was back at home because of them.
I just realized now that home and dreams are two different things. Home is where my comfort is; dreams, on the other hand, is the place I want to live out of my comfort zone. Home is where my loved ones are, but my dreams are rooted to where I am needed most.
Niyakap ko pabalik si Helia at hinampas ang kaniyang likod. Mabilis siyang nag-react at lumayo sa'kin, nagrereklamo.
"Isusumbong kita kay Allison!" Pagbibiro niya.
And, now, I suddenly miss my best friend.
Binalingan ko si Dax at naabutan siyang nakatingin na sa'kin. Lumapit siya sa'kin at inasahan kong yayakapin niya rin ako kagaya ng ginawa ni Helia pero hindi nangyari iyon. I don't know why but I got hurt.
"You take care of yourself," aniya at naglahad ng kamay.
Tinitigan ko iyon at hindi ako sigurado kung tatanggapin ko ba. Nang hindi ako gumalaw ay siya na ang kumuha sa'king kamay at hinawakan ito. He shook our hands like we just met.
"Bye, Tri."
Suminghap ako at iniwas ang tingin sa kaniya.
I don't want to say goodbye again.
"Mag-ingat kayo sa byahe." Tanging lumabas sa bibig ko.
He withdrew his hold on my hand and the pain in my chest only worsens because of that. Hindi na siya ulit nagsalita at tahimik na pumasok sa loob ng van. When the door closed and it roar to life, I knew, from then, that the future has changed. Siya na ngayon ang umalis at hindi ako.
I smiled bitterly.
He didn't leave because he was never here to stay.
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